Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

Young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to
explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is
how he went about it...
" So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked
him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and
she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to
some national forest or something.... Since he was going, for like,
something like more than 10 years or so..... he decided to get his wife
and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out
together. But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary ****... really
man...they had monkeys and devil s and **** like that. But this dude,
Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.
But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his
babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and
and
also his bro, Laxman, pissed... all the gods were with him... So
anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of
monkeys... Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys...
just go along with me, ok...
So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's *** in his own
hood... Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest... and
anyways... it gets kinda boring, you know... no TV or malls or ****
like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home.... and when the
people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home...
they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice...
and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they
couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke
and ****... and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps
also....so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those
fireworks.... Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no
kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks.... you
know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you
know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started.":deadhorse

Here's one that I got in the mail today...

A man boards a flight from Delhi to Mumbai and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a gorgeous woman boarding the plane.

He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right next to his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he asks 'Business trip or vacation?' She turns, smiles, and says, 'Business. I'm going to the annual Sexologists Convention.'

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him, and she's a sexologist! Struggling to contain his excitement and maintain his composure, he calmly asks, 'What's your business role at
this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she says, 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really?' he says, swallowing hard. 'What m-m-m-myths are those?'

'Well,' she explains, 'one popular myth is that African men are the best endowed when, in fact, it's the Tamilian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, whereas
actually it is the Bengali. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Sardar.'

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. 'I'm sorry,' she says, 'I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!'

' Venkatraman !' the man blurts out. ' Venkatraman Mukherjee ! But all my friends call me Joginder Singh!’

Some funny, some so-so..

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jay Rich

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking han most people..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

************************************************** ****
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

************************************************** ***
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite ex without spitting.> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

************************************************** *****
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

************************************************** *
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

Got these in the mail today..

[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says[/FONT][FONT='Times New Roman','serif']
No, really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?[/FONT]