The Official Joke thread

Fordmanchau · 30th July 2009, 12:20

Young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to
explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is
how he went about it...
" So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked
him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and
she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to
some national forest or something.... Since he was going, for like,
something like more than 10 years or so..... he decided to get his wife
and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out
together. But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary ****... really
man...they had monkeys and devil s and **** like that. But this dude,
Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.
But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his
babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and
and
also his bro, Laxman, pissed... all the gods were with him... So
anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of
monkeys... Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys...
just go along with me, ok...
So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's *** in his own
hood... Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest... and
anyways... it gets kinda boring, you know... no TV or malls or ****
like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home.... and when the
people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home...
they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice...
and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they
couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke
and ****... and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps
also....so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those
fireworks.... Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no
kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks.... you
know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you
know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."

mobike008 · 30th July 2009, 12:23

@Ford, you will be condor'd since this is a very old joke and must be there on the forum already

Fordmanchau · 30th July 2009, 12:25

Quote:

Originally Posted by mobike008

@Ford, you will be condor'd since this is a very old joke and must be there on the forum already

Is it ?

I guess I should better be careful .

Note : Mods Please delete the post if the joke already exists in this thread.

Fordmanchau · 30th July 2009, 12:27

Hope this is not there on the thread!!

travelwriter · 30th July 2009, 19:02

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fordmanchau

Hope this is not there on the thread!!

Why should this find a place in the 'joke' thread?

pulsar56 · 30th July 2009, 19:09

Quote:

Originally Posted by travelwriter

Why should this find a place in the 'joke' thread?

I guess the highlighted text is hidden by the Watermark.
Don't work too hard, Nobody notices anyway!

n_aditya · 31st July 2009, 10:35

Make hay while the sun shines.

Eau No! Perfume Spray Sparks Panic At Bank - Yahoo! News UK

I wonder who made the announcement on the PA for anyone feeling sick to leave the building.

Just another day at the bank.

s@tan2s@int · 31st July 2009, 21:10

Here's one that I got in the mail today...

A man boards a flight from Delhi to Mumbai and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a gorgeous woman boarding the plane.

He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right next to his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he asks 'Business trip or vacation?' She turns, smiles, and says, 'Business. I'm going to the annual Sexologists Convention.'

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him, and she's a sexologist! Struggling to contain his excitement and maintain his composure, he calmly asks, 'What's your business role at
this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she says, 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really?' he says, swallowing hard. 'What m-m-m-myths are those?'

'Well,' she explains, 'one popular myth is that African men are the best endowed when, in fact, it's the Tamilian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, whereas
actually it is the Bengali. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Sardar.'

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. 'I'm sorry,' she says, 'I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!'

' Venkatraman !' the man blurts out. ' Venkatraman Mukherjee ! But all my friends call me Joginder Singh!’

Nitin · 31st July 2009, 22:22

Some funny, some so-so..

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jay Rich

************************************************** *****
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

************************************************** ****
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking han most people..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

************************************************** *****
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

************************************************** **
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

************************************************** ****
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

************************************************** ***
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

************************************************** *****
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

************************************************** **
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite ex without spitting.> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

************************************************** *****
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

************************************************** *
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

Nitin · 31st July 2009, 22:25

Got these in the mail today..

[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says[/FONT][FONT='Times New Roman','serif']
No, really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?[/FONT]

anekho · 31st July 2009, 23:20

hmmm... where is condor these days?

Nitin · 31st July 2009, 23:36

I forgot to mention that in my post - 'if there were chances of being condored' !

travelwriter · 3rd August 2009, 10:50

A woman drove me to drink. And I didn't even have the courtesy to thank her.

milindajp · 4th August 2009, 14:38

It may seems funny, but I too used to do the same with a Godrej lock in my CBZ for 3 years. Very effective.

bblost · 4th August 2009, 14:42

Of all the locks I have seen.
This is my fave
Grip-Lock : Bright Security - Scooter and motorcycle lock

But the one above, wins for being the cheapest option.

The link is -> grip-lock

include the www and the .com parts.

Reusing this post to save some electrons.

30th July 2009, 12:20	#3736
Fordmanchau Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 1,666 Thanked: 338 Times	Young second generation Indian in the US Young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it... " So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something.... Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so..... he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out together. But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary **... really man...they had monkeys and devil s and like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine. But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and and also his bro, Laxman, pissed... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys... Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok... So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's * in his own hood... Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest... and anyways... it gets kinda boring, you know... no TV or malls or ** like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home.... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and **... and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also....so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks.... Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks.... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."

30th July 2009, 12:27	#3739
Fordmanchau Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 1,666 Thanked: 338 Times	Don't work too hard... Hope this is not there on the thread!! Attached Images

31st July 2009, 21:10	#3743
s@tan2s@int BHPian Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 129 Thanked: 130 Times	Men will be Men ......killer Here's one that I got in the mail today... A man boards a flight from Delhi to Mumbai and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a gorgeous woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right next to his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he asks 'Business trip or vacation?' She turns, smiles, and says, 'Business. I'm going to the annual Sexologists Convention.' He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him, and she's a sexologist! Struggling to contain his excitement and maintain his composure, he calmly asks, 'What's your business role at this convention?' 'Lecturer,' she says, 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.' 'Really?' he says, swallowing hard. 'What m-m-m-myths are those?' 'Well,' she explains, 'one popular myth is that African men are the best endowed when, in fact, it's the Tamilian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, whereas actually it is the Bengali. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Sardar.' Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. 'I'm sorry,' she says, 'I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!' ' Venkatraman !' the man blurts out. ' Venkatraman Mukherjee ! But all my friends call me Joginder Singh!’ Last edited by Jaggu : 31st July 2009 at 22:39. Reason: Removing [Font] tags, please preview before you hit post and avoid using external font editors, Thanks

31st July 2009, 22:22	#3744
Nitin Senior - BHPian Join Date: May 2006 Location: Houston, Texas Posts: 3,299 Thanked: 18 Times View My Garage	The value of a drink! Some funny, some so-so.. The Value of a Drink "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jay Rich ************************************************ * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra ********************************************** WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking han most people.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman ********************************************** * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright ********************************************** WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke ************************************************ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin ********************************************** * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry ************************************************ * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell ********************************************** WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite ex without spitting.> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: ************************************************ * "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." ************************************************ * WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

31st July 2009, 22:25	#3745
Nitin Senior - BHPian Join Date: May 2006 Location: Houston, Texas Posts: 3,299 Thanked: 18 Times View My Garage	Wise journalists? Got these in the mail today.. [FONT='Times New Roman','serif']Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says[/FONT][FONT='Times New Roman','serif'] No, really? Ya think? Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far! Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy! Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works any better than a fair trial! War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect! If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?! Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought! Enfield( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something! Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge! New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren't they fat enough?! Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans! Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken? Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again! Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall! And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right?[/FONT] Last edited by Nitin : 31st July 2009 at 22:33.

30th July 2009, 12:23	#3737
mobike008 Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Seattle, WA Posts: 11,162 Thanked: 11,201 Times View My Garage	@Ford, you will be condor'd since this is a very old joke and must be there on the forum already

31st July 2009, 10:35	#3742
n_aditya Senior - BHPian Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Namma Bengaluru Posts: 5,232 Thanked: 2,881 Times View My Garage	Make hay while the sun shines. Eau No! Perfume Spray Sparks Panic At Bank - Yahoo! News UK I wonder who made the announcement on the PA for anyone feeling sick to leave the building. Just another day at the bank.

31st July 2009, 23:20	#3746
anekho Senior - BHPian Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: . Posts: 1,995 Thanked: 669 Times	hmmm... where is condor these days?

31st July 2009, 23:36	#3747
Nitin Senior - BHPian Join Date: May 2006 Location: Houston, Texas Posts: 3,299 Thanked: 18 Times View My Garage	I forgot to mention that in my post - 'if there were chances of being condored' !

3rd August 2009, 10:50	#3748
travelwriter BHPian Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 276 Thanked: 88 Times	A famous quote...don't know by who A woman drove me to drink. And I didn't even have the courtesy to thank her.

4th August 2009, 14:38	#3749
milindajp BHPian Join Date: May 2009 Location: Highway Posts: 213 Thanked: 204 Times	It may seems funny, but I too used to do the same with a Godrej lock in my CBZ for 3 years. Very effective.

4th August 2009, 14:42	#3750
bblost Team-BHP Support Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 10,614 Thanked: 11,665 Times View My Garage	Of all the locks I have seen. This is my fave Grip-Lock : Bright Security - Scooter and motorcycle lock But the one above, wins for being the cheapest option. The link is -> grip-lock include the www and the .com parts. Reusing this post to save some electrons. Last edited by bblost : 4th August 2009 at 14:52.

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