[NetfreakBombay]

How Not To Unveil A Car:

YouTube - Michelle Heaton Falls on The Apprentice

[BaCkSeAtDrIVeR]

NetfreadBombay, that is what is called "launched with a bang".

[SMK]

Originally Posted by svsantosh

INDIAN Husband (H) and Wife (W) driving along a Wesern Ghat Road give a lift to a European Lady (EL)tourist...

H - So what brings you here...
EL - Auyeveda, Indian Food, etc etc...
H - Oh great... so nice of you... blah...blah (20-30mins).
W - (mentally)-Grrr.. See a white woman and you are all over her (full Jealous...) Grrr...

H - So what abt ur family
EL - Nay, left my 'Girl Friend' back in Germany and am here by myself for a few months - miss her!!
H - (mentally) what?? OK - now stop looking @ my wife - keep talking to me plzzzzz
W - (after dropping her off)

-------------------
(Happened to me last week enroute from Coorg to Blore, abridged to fit this thread... cheers.)

Hey Santosh, Outside India friends would either be boyfriends or girlfriends. It does not necessarily mean they are the other way.
I had a similar situation to face when i moved here during early 2009, my collegue was referring her friend (who was a girl) as girlfriend and she was talking about she and her 'girlfriend' going out on a holiday all by themselves and all, but later i found that she was married with 2 kids!
I told her what it refers to in India and she was laughing her heads off!! he he he

[bj96]

My five year old is enjoying company of her grandparents, who are visiting us after a longtime. T & J playing on TV. I silently witness their conversation while browsing t-bhp on my laptop.

Grand Mom(GM): Yeh mickey mouse hai kya?
My Daughter (MD): keeps quite, watching...
GM: asks again and insists
MD: No, Tom and Jerry
GM: Who is this?
MD: Tom
GM: Tom kutta hai kya?
MD: gets up, walks to the drawer, finds a cello-tape and sticks one across at GM's lips.

For once, I find her very rightly inspired by T & J .

-BJ

[triedeverything]

Overheard in a wave pool
A short guy with thick glasses is having difficulties with the high waves, says "I don't know whether to hold on to my shorts or my spectacles"
Reply - Hold on to your shorts - the others in the pool don't need specs to see!!

[triedeverything]

I'm sure everyone here has heard about the kid who was born with a gold screw in his navel. This is an extension of the same.

For those who come in late, a couple are blessed with a baby boy, but they are surprised to find a gold screw in his navel. They ask the doctor who runs the regular checks and declares the baby healthy. There is nothing to worry about, just leave the screw alone he says.
Well, the kid grows up to be a handsome youth. One day while lying down on his bed, he wonders why only he has a gold screw in his navel. What the heck he thinks, lets remove it and check what happens! He gets a screw driver and removes the screw - nothing happens. Relieved he goes to bed. The next day when he gets off his bed, his butt falls off!

I told my mom this joke and she went, "My, that was one long GOLD screw"!

There's more! I work an afternoon shift and I narrated this joke to my friend. Later that night, when we were all leaving home, I had to stop my bike after a short while as the headlight had issues. And as I was making adjustments to the headlight, along comes my friend. He stops alongside and couldn't resist saying:
"Searching for your screw?"

"Forget the screw, I'm searching for my butt!!"

[recshenoy]

Teacher: bachho batao agar 2 aur 2 char hota hai to mere ghar ki tanki mein kitna paani hai
( to students : if 2 + 2 is 4 then tell me how much water is stored in my water tank )

Student: 80 litres

Teacher : Very good.. tumhe kaise pata chala
(how did u came to know that)

Student: Kyunki mere ghar mein aaj aalu ki sabji bani thi
(because today potato curry was made in my house)

[Spitfire]

Original ad : Need your lawn mowed? I own a Ride-on mower and offer professional mowing for an affordable price. Price is generally $30 per hour based on services. I offer discounts for larger plots of land. E-mail or call me to discuss.

Rob
*****at gmail.com


Reply:
Hey Rob,
My yard is 5 acres and I would like to work out some kind of regular mowing schedule. How much will you charge for five acres? Do you come weekly? Please let me know.
Thanks,
Mike

From Rob to Mike:
Hey Mike. Where do you live? Yes, I come weekly. I charge by the hour, but a rough estimate would be around $45 depending on if you want me to do trimming as well.

From Mike to Rob Rob:
Sounds good Rob. I'm located off of Naaman's road, near the 202 intersection. I would like you to trim around my sidewalk and patio, so I guess you should factor that into the price. I just need you to sign a waiver before you mow my lawn for the first time. Let me know when you would be able to do this.
Thanks,
Mike

From Rob to Mike:
Why do you need me to sign a waiver?

From Mike to Rob:
The last couple of dumb landscapers I had working for me sued me for injuries that were their own fault. I am just covering my backside so I don't have to deal with these damn settlements anymore. As long as you use common sense, the waiver won't even have to come into play.

From Rob to Mike:
Forgive me for asking but how were they injured? I find it peculiar that you have been sued by landscapers.

From Mike to Rob:
Well, let me just say that I inherited this property from my grandfather when he passed away. He was a war veteran and a little bit eccentric when it came to guns. Long story short, he buried a bunch of land mines in his backyard. I had no idea until the first idiot mowing my lawn ran over one and it exploded. He lost his right leg and then sued me like a little whining baby, claiming it was my fault.

The waiver pretty much says you won't sue me if you hurt yourself by detonating a mine.

From Rob to Mike:
Why would anyone in their right mind agree to that? He had every right to sue you. There is no reason for land mines in Delaware.

From Mike to Rob:
Like I said, just use common sense and don't run over the mines. They are Valmara 69 mines, so you can see a bunch of little prongs poking out of the ground. Just drive your lawn mower around any if you see them. There might not even be any left. Some could even be duds - these are very old mines. Just forget about the mines and sign the waiver. I don't work on Wednesday, we can meet then to sign the papers.

From Rob to Mike:
I will never agree to this. Not in a million years. I don't know who you should call but it is definitely not a landscaper.

From Mike to Rob:
You said you had a ride-on mower, right? These are anti-personnel mines, not anti-tank mines. Meaning your mower can probably withstand the blast. The mines weren't made to disable enemy German lawnmowers. The jackass that blew his leg off was using a self-propelled mower. How about this: you can just sign the waiver for personal injury. I'll cover the cost of repairs if the mine ends up damaging your mower.

From Rob to Mike:
I value my life, so no thanks. If you ask me, I think you are dumb for expecting anyone to mow your lawn given the circumstances.

From Mike to Rob:
Apparently they just don't make landscapers like they used to anymore. I remember when landscaping was a real man's job, and there was no lawn that couldn't be mowed. Now everyone is such a little twit about everything. "Waaaahhh! I dont want my wittle wawn mower to bwow up!" Would you sue me if a bee stung you while you were mowing my lawn, or if you got mauled by fire ants? Do I have to go to court if you forget to wear a jacket and catch a cold while mowing my lawn? C'mon man, get up and do your job.

From Rob to Mike:
Dear Mike,
GET LOST.
Rob

Got it as a mail forward.

[BaCkSeAtDrIVeR]

I know this is not a joke; received this in email, do not rememer seeign it posted here, and it is funny.

Enjoy.

Can I reach it??



Oh sure, I can.



So here were go.



Attaboy!!! Go ahead.



Up...



Up... up....



And away!!!!

[Klub Class]

^^

Lol..!! Very funny...Nice catch

[smooth]

I have searched the thread and didn't found these posted. Sorry if it is already posted

An American, Japanese, and a Sardar were sitting in the sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly."

That's my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.

The Sardar felt low-tech and inferior. He didn't know what to do to be as impressive as the American & the Japanese. He decided to take a break in the toilet. When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a piece of toilet paper got stuck and hanging from his backside.

The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" Instead of being embarrassed, inspiration struck his mind.

The Sardar explained, "I'm getting a FAX. The other two fainted .
************************************************** *******

A Sardarji and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road,
they're tired to continue, and they decide to stop for rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The Sardarji explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to Sardarji, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them', the Sardarji complains.

Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

But we didn't go to any of those shows,' Sardarji complains again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have', the Manager replies. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the
Sardarji replies 'But we didn't use it'. The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the Sardarji finally gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
'But sir,' he says, 'this check is only made out for $100.' 'That's right,' says the Sardarji,

'I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well,' the Sardarji replies, 'she was here, and you could have.'

[smooth]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One has a cross in front of him,
the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money
into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country.

People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David turns to the beggar with the cross and says, "Batuk , look who's here to teach the Gujarati Brothers about marketing !"

[jasonbourne]

Originally Posted by smooth

A Sardarji and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road,
they're tired to continue, and they decide to stop for rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The Sardarji explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to Sardarji, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them', the Sardarji complains.

Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

But we didn't go to any of those shows,' Sardarji complains again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have', the Manager replies. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the
Sardarji replies 'But we didn't use it'. The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the Sardarji finally gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
'But sir,' he says, 'this check is only made out for $100.' 'That's right,' says the Sardarji,

'I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well,' the Sardarji replies, 'she was here, and you could have.'

This was already posted. Gonna be "Condored"!

[bivin]

if you guys listen to the black eyed peas, you might find this funny!! i know i did!!

YouTube - I Gotta Feeling Parody

Cheers!!

[bivin]

and here is something for all you Jeremy Clarkson fans..

YouTube - Harry and Paul - Clarkson Island

Cheers!!