The Official Joke thread

Jayabusa · 8th October 2010, 23:02

@SILVERWOOD: All those seem to be Chuck Norris facts with the name Rajinikanth inserted in place of Chuck Norris.

Now run before either of the two reach where you are!

dark_horizon · 9th October 2010, 16:34

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jayabusa

@SILVERWOOD: All those seem to be Chuck Norris facts with the name Rajinikanth inserted in place of Chuck Norris.

Now run before either of the two reach where you are!

You surely are not aware about this:

Rajnikanth met Chuck Norris once. The rest, as they say, is history.

driving_smartly · 9th October 2010, 17:29

Got this SMS from my friend

While many in India are busy pondering
where RAM was born,
the Australians are wondering
why LAXMAN was born

Safedriver · 9th October 2010, 22:19

A woman brought a very limp duck into a Veterinary Surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, Your Duck is Dead--passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the Vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador dog. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The Vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The Vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The Vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The Vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it is now $150." !!

Speed Pujari · 9th October 2010, 23:02

One guy went to a zoo. There on the main gate he saw people curiosly purchasing peeled peanuts. He asked the hawker behind so much of sale. The hawker said that there is an interesting monkey inside for whom people are purchasing these peanuts for.

Curiously this guy also bought peanuts for 2 rupees and went inside to check the monkey out.

He saw the 'special' monkey inside a cage. That man gave him one piece of peeled peanuts. The moneky without any hesisation took it, put it in his rectum, pulled it out, crushed it off and ate the peanuts.

The man gave him another peanut and the monkey did the same.

Surprised and feeling insulted, the man called the caretaker to know the reason behind this act.

The caretaker said, "Sir it is not your fault. Few months ago one gentleman like you came and fed dates to the monkey. The monkey had the dates but the seeds never came out. He is so much worried since then that he always measures the seeds before eating".

anonymous · 15th October 2010, 13:47

I hope Santa Banta Jokes are allowed. If not, please delete this
Santa - Mere pass gadi hai, paisa hai, bank balance hai, banglaw hai.....Tere pass kya hai
Banta - Mere pass bhi gadi hai, paisa hai, bank balance hai, banglaw hai.
Santa - Abe to Maa kiske pass hai.

Superstar Rajnikanth's Email Id
gmail@rajnikanth.com

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bapu

While on the topic of the Commonwealth games and Mr. Kalmadi.

Got this as a sms :

So many pullouts of the Commonwealth Games could have been avoided if Kalmadi's father had pulled out at the right time

This is

. I wish we had more than 2 smilies allowed

Note from the Team-BHP Support Team: Please use the "edit" button if posting within 20 minutes of the first post, instead of creating another back-to-back post.

silversteed · 16th October 2010, 02:04

A few things American movies have taught us:
1. The Chinese have nothing better to do than teach and practise Kung-Fu and Karate

2. More than 50% of the US population are FBI or CIA agents

3. If a man has survived a mishap with a lady, he's entitled to a (French) kiss no matter if he'd met that lady only on that day

4. The purpose of schools system in the US is to promote basket ball, baseball and rugby.

5. Aliens have a special liking towards the US while invading the earth.

6. You are the one responsible for the survival of mankind.

7. During a violent chase, the vehicles involved, including tyres are bulletproof

8. When you desperately need a bike to flee, you will find a super bike on the parking lot and the owner would've forgotten the keys on it.

A few things Indian movies have taught us:

1. One of the twins is always born evil.

2. If you decide to diffuse a bomb, you will always cut the correct wire. By the way, all bombs come with a timer display and two wires one of which is the fake fuse

3. A man won't show any pain while enduring violent blows but he would wince in pain when a female tries to clean his wounds.

4. An officer can solve a case only if he's suspended from office.

5. If you decide to start dancing on the street, everyone would know the steps properly

- Received as an SMS forward

akj53 · 16th October 2010, 02:15

Quote:

Originally Posted by vamsi.kona

I have heard of others but this one is zimbly

No. This one is a Googly from Google.

vivekiny2k · 16th October 2010, 04:49

Quote:

Originally Posted by silversteed

- Received as an SMS forward

more like an LMS forward. which carrier allows that

?

Jayabusa · 16th October 2010, 14:35

One guy to another guy-
Mere paas twitter, facebook, orkut account hai.
Tere paas kya hai?
(I have a twitter, facebook, orkut account. What do you have?)

Other guy politely replies-
Mere paas kaam hai!
(I have work!)

rohan_iitr · 17th October 2010, 12:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymous

I hope Santa Banta Jokes are allowed.

Yes Santa-Banta jokes are definitely allowed. But lets call them Mr. Santa and Mr. Banta (without using their surname), so that we don't offend people from any particular community.

A warning though - don't repeat any Santa-Banta jokes, or you'll be Condored !

Rohan

Jayabusa · 17th October 2010, 16:14

Wife: Shall we try a different position tonight?

Husband: Excellent idea!

Wife: U stand at the sink and wash dishes and I'll lie on the sofa and watch TV.

BaCkSeAtDrIVeR · 17th October 2010, 18:49

Boss:- Do you believe in life after death?

Employee:- "No; certainly not; there is no proof of it!!!"

Boss: "There is now. After you left yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you".

McLaren Rulez · 17th October 2010, 18:57

Dunno if this has been posted here but search the term "recursion" using Google.

Nice one by Google!!

BaCkSeAtDrIVeR · 17th October 2010, 19:08

McLaren, hope you mean the "Did you mean ...." link!!!

8th October 2010, 23:02	#4381
Jayabusa Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Mumbai Posts: 2,448 Thanked: 69 Times	@SILVERWOOD: All those seem to be Chuck Norris facts with the name Rajinikanth inserted in place of Chuck Norris. Now run before either of the two reach where you are! Last edited by Jayabusa : 8th October 2010 at 23:04.

9th October 2010, 23:02	#4385
Speed Pujari BHPian Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Bangalore Posts: 429 Thanked: 396 Times View My Garage	One guy went to a zoo. There on the main gate he saw people curiosly purchasing peeled peanuts. He asked the hawker behind so much of sale. The hawker said that there is an interesting monkey inside for whom people are purchasing these peanuts for. Curiously this guy also bought peanuts for 2 rupees and went inside to check the monkey out. He saw the 'special' monkey inside a cage. That man gave him one piece of peeled peanuts. The moneky without any hesisation took it, put it in his rectum, pulled it out, crushed it off and ate the peanuts. The man gave him another peanut and the monkey did the same. Surprised and feeling insulted, the man called the caretaker to know the reason behind this act. The caretaker said, "Sir it is not your fault. Few months ago one gentleman like you came and fed dates to the monkey. The monkey had the dates but the seeds never came out. He is so much worried since then that he always measures the seeds before eating". Last edited by Speed Pujari : 9th October 2010 at 23:04.

9th October 2010, 17:29	#4383
driving_smartly BHPian Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: MH43 & MH14 Posts: 518 Thanked: 305 Times View My Garage	Got this SMS from my friend While many in India are busy pondering where RAM was born, the Australians are wondering why LAXMAN was born

9th October 2010, 22:19	#4384
Safedriver Newbie Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Bangalore Posts: 10 Thanked: 0 Times	A woman brought a very limp duck into a Veterinary Surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the Vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, Your Duck is Dead--passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the Vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador dog. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The Vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The Vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The Vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The Vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it is now $150." !!

16th October 2010, 02:04	#4387
silversteed Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Electri-City Posts: 2,335 Thanked: 2,194 Times	A few things American movies have taught us: 1. The Chinese have nothing better to do than teach and practise Kung-Fu and Karate 2. More than 50% of the US population are FBI or CIA agents 3. If a man has survived a mishap with a lady, he's entitled to a (French) kiss no matter if he'd met that lady only on that day 4. The purpose of schools system in the US is to promote basket ball, baseball and rugby. 5. Aliens have a special liking towards the US while invading the earth. 6. You are the one responsible for the survival of mankind. 7. During a violent chase, the vehicles involved, including tyres are bulletproof 8. When you desperately need a bike to flee, you will find a super bike on the parking lot and the owner would've forgotten the keys on it. A few things Indian movies have taught us: 1. One of the twins is always born evil. 2. If you decide to diffuse a bomb, you will always cut the correct wire. By the way, all bombs come with a timer display and two wires one of which is the fake fuse 3. A man won't show any pain while enduring violent blows but he would wince in pain when a female tries to clean his wounds. 4. An officer can solve a case only if he's suspended from office. 5. If you decide to start dancing on the street, everyone would know the steps properly - Received as an SMS forward

16th October 2010, 14:35	#4390
Jayabusa Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Mumbai Posts: 2,448 Thanked: 69 Times	One guy to another guy- Mere paas twitter, facebook, orkut account hai. Tere paas kya hai? (I have a twitter, facebook, orkut account. What do you have?) Other guy politely replies- Mere paas kaam hai! (I have work!)

17th October 2010, 16:14	#4392
Jayabusa Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Mumbai Posts: 2,448 Thanked: 69 Times	Wife: Shall we try a different position tonight? Husband: Excellent idea! Wife: U stand at the sink and wash dishes and I'll lie on the sofa and watch TV.

17th October 2010, 18:49	#4393
BaCkSeAtDrIVeR BANNED Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Kochi Posts: 2,522 Thanked: 752 Times	Boss:- Do you believe in life after death? Employee:- "No; certainly not; there is no proof of it!!!" Boss: "There is now. After you left yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you".

17th October 2010, 18:57	#4394
McLaren Rulez Senior - BHPian Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Mysore Posts: 3,387 Thanked: 5,097 Times	Dunno if this has been posted here but search the term "recursion" using Google. Nice one by Google!!

17th October 2010, 19:08	#4395
BaCkSeAtDrIVeR BANNED Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Kochi Posts: 2,522 Thanked: 752 Times	McLaren, hope you mean the "Did you mean ...." link!!!