[Badcheetah]

A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife stared at him and asked, "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

[Badcheetah]

We ve all heard of the US Air Force`s high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot`s story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn`t a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP`s surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[Badcheetah]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, so he calls his grandson to his bed.

"Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your Rolex watch instead."

"You liste to me. Some day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini. Am I right?"

"Yes grandpa, I guess so."

"Ok, so soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whada you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say, TIMES UP!"

[Badcheetah]

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I`m busy," he said, "I`ll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled. "Oh! I didn`t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

[Badcheetah]

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it`s me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It`s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What`s the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $70,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It`s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $375,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $325,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I`ll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone`s flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present,
"Okay... who`s phone is this?"

[Badcheetah]

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does.
But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don`t feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
"WHAT!?" says her husband.
The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can`t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth $200 each.
The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn`t care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says "You don`t even play tennis, but if you like it then let`s get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says to her husband, "I`m ready to go, let`s go to the cashier."
The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don`t feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife`s face goes blank. "Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode as her husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

[Badcheetah]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" she says.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."

[Badcheetah]

A blonde calls a mechanic 2 fix her car, he gets it goin in 2 minutes.
Blonde: What was the prob?
Mech : Just Sh*t in the air filter
Blonde : How often do I hv to do that?

One day, a minister decided that he would visit some members of his congregation at their homes to encourage them and find out how they were doing.

After having already visited several members, he arrived at the door of a poor, elderly widow. He rang.

She answered, and let him in. He was ushered into the living room where he and the widow sat down and began a casual conversation.

After a few minutes into his conversation, he noticed a candy dish, full of peanuts, on the coffee table.

Under ordinary circumstances, he would not have asked the question, but it was almost noon, and he hadn't eaten anything since his early breakfast and he was beginning to feel quite hungry.

So, he asked the widow, "do you mind if I have some of these nuts?"

"Help yourself," she replied. So, he did.

Well, they continued chatting, when the minister realized that he had finished all the peanuts in the dish.

He felt quite embarrassed for having gotten so carried away in his conversation, that he didn't even think to leave some in the dish for her.

So, shamefully, he said to her, "I'm really sorry. It seems that I've eaten all your peanuts - I didn't mean to finish them all. Please forgive me."

The poor, elderly widow casually waved her hand at him and said, "Oh, that's quite all right. Since I don't have any teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them anyway!"

[revtech]

Hahah this is too good

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was looking glum, and the second dog turned to him and asked, ''What are you in for''?

''I'm in big trouble,'' he said. ''My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats—he took me for a ride and I was so excited I peed on the seat, and now he's having put to sleep.''

''I know how you feel,'' said the second dog. ''My owner has a beautiful expensive oriental rug.The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself...I **** all over their nice carpet and ruined it.They're having me put to sleep too.''

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. ''So what are you in here for?'' they asked.

''Well,'' the third dog said, ''my owner likes to do her housework in the nude.The other day, she was vacumming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.''

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, ''So she's having you put to sleep, too, Huh?''

''No,'' said the other dog, ''I'm having my nails clipped.''


Rev

[revtech]

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.



Rev

[revtech]

This ones W-I-L-D

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a
young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you
able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well,
were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The
second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of
nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well,
were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the
two weeks," the young man replied.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf
and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was
over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome
in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Tescos anymore either."



Rev

[The Wolf]

Revtech, man where do you get all these hillarious stuff man?? Last 3 posts were simply ticklish ass stuff man!!!

[revtech]

hahaha dude dad sends me this crazy stuff and a lot more.but i only post the good ones !!


rev

[The Wolf]

Doctor looking at Mr Edwards dead body: Oh man!!! Mr Edwards really had one hell of a long long d!ck, worth showing it to the enthusiasts... Lemme start with my wife...
Doctor returns home,,,,;"Honie Ive got something to show you"...
Wife: What is it??? Oh my Goodness gracious!!! When did Mr Edwards die???