[haryan]

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed
woman sitting on a bar stool alone.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going
tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says,
"I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it
doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding?
What law firm do you work for?"
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Why won't a rattlesnake bite a lawyer?
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Professional Courtesy.

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A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive
country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I
can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "But remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no
more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more
country club. We'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller
homes, and you'll probably need to get a job. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman
on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her
husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[haryan]

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
you then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
market them world-wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

A CANADIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy some potatoes and beer. Have a Bar-B-Q.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...

[haryan]

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

[haryan]

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in English, in his
own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a real strange,
perhaps coded, message:370HSSV-0773H.

Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condi Rice.

Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No
one could solve it so it went to the CIA, then to NSA. and then to all the worlds Intelligence agencies ..

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked India's RAW ( Research and Analysis Wing ) for
help.
RAW cabled the White House: "Tell the President he's holding the
message upside down."

[haryan]

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the redhead, and the bronze to the blonde.

As they placed the medal around her neck, the blonde whispered, " I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think the other two used their arms."

[haryan]

A woman took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car
after a while there is this terrible smell. It never happens when I am on my own."
This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is". Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on
both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty. They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now; there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?"
"Smell it? lady, I'm sitting in it".

[revtech]

One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!

So he goes up to his grandpa and says "Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?" His grandpa replies "Yes Jimmy, I do."

Jimmy then says "Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?"

His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds "Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea."


rev

[revtech]

Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

hahha


Rev

[turbofreak]

Best Break-Up Letter Ever

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home.
It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since
you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky..............

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky

[rev_hard]

still laughing my @$$ awaylololololololololololololololololololololol
.......

Originally Posted by speedsatya

The Bishop was buried the next day

[Zappo]

Originally Posted by GTO

The magic question - Is he running away from his wife, or to his wife (and away from the mistress)?

GTO

Is that a rear wheel drive? I wonder... the front wheels look almost stationary while rear ones are spinning themselves wild!

[speedsatya]

What did the gangsters son tell his dad after he failed in his exams.


"dad they questioned me for 3 hours ,but i did not say anything "...))))

[elf]

"In a press release last week, Michael Jackson's spokesperson stated that he had stopped playing with children, & had chosen another way of amusing himself, which was to blow bubbles in the bathtub."

Michael Jackson's pet chimpanzee is called Bubbles. ... !!!









-...-

[karthik247]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his
teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five
birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would
be left?" "None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you
are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were
three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone,
the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which
one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one
sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding
ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."

[karthik247]

A lawyer who works in Texas receives news of an out of town emergency which requires him to fly out of the state for a short period of time. He doesn't even have time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going. The maid answers the phone but is hesitant to put his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of cajoling, she admits that his wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! Now the man is furious, and would rush right home, but of course there is this emergency to take care of, so he tells the maid to go get the gun from his desk drawer, and kill both his wife and the mailman. She protests, but he explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and the lawyer can hear the sound of two gun shots, the screams, some loud bumps, and, finally, some splashes. The maid comes back on the phone. The lawyer asks ``did you kill them?''. ``Yes'', she replies. ``What did you do with the bodies?'' ``I threw them in the pool.'' ... pause ... ``Pool? ... Say, is this 555-8234?'