A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door,
there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 just to drop that towel that you have on”. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower “Who was that?”
“It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.
“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!
CORPORATE LESSON # 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal
a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember psalm 129?”
Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister, but the mind is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said,” Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory.”
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job; or, you might miss great Opportunities!
CORPORATE LESSON # 3
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly, Sir” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.” I just need one copy.”
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
CORPORATE LESSON # 4
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, “Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true.”
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE”. The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian’s turn, he did the same and shouted, “VODKA” and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, “BEER”. He was so contented with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, “SH**!!!!!!!………”
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Mind your language, you never Know what it will land you in.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days”.
Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!”
The woman continues, “and look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.
The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says,"You know, I
could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very
The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out
the window and make 10 people very happy."
Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I
could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses
back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make
56 million people ECSTATIC!
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
A man leaning against a big, nice building and smoking away,
another man, after having observed him chain smoking for the better part of two hours, walks up to him and says,
"Sir, i've been watching you smoke, could you tell me how many packs you go through in a day??"
The man says, "Ten",
The other man asks, "And how long have you been smoking for??"
"Twenty five years today" the smoker replies.
Sir don't you think if you had saved all that money, you would've been able to own that building you're leaning against??
To this, the smoker replies, "Do you smoke??"
No comes a prompt answer,
"Do you own this building?"
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word..he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf b***s.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thi nking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's b***s."
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when
the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants,
spread his cheeks
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of M ichigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Last edited by stararmour : 17th May 2006 at 21:23.
Henry Ford dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates, the angel tells Ford,
"Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car, changed
The world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, " I wanna hang out with God"
So, the guy at the gates points God out to Ford. When Ford gets to God,
Ford asks, " Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?"
God says yes.
"Well," says Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters at high speeds.
3. The rear end wobbles too much.
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm...", says God, "hold on." God goes to the celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. He then says to Henry Ford,
" It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the celestial
computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Last edited by nitinbhag : 18th May 2006 at 10:56.