The Official Joke thread

sster · 25th November 2005, 03:45

A blonde buys a box of laundry detergent, and it says on the box, "20 uses". A day later, the blonde calls the laundry detergent company and says" I bought your product and the box says '20 uses', but all it does is my laundry!

sster · 25th November 2005, 03:45

During a rock climbing expedition, an accident occurred, as some of the grappling hooks gave way. This left the eleven climbers clinging precariously to the wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on the Mountain. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks to give way and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. All ten blondes applauded.

normally_crazy · 25th November 2005, 09:22

An Indian , American and Arab were chatting .

the Indian says i have 10 children , 1 more and i have a cricket team.

The American says i have 13 children, 1 more and i have a complete rugby team.

The Arab says , I have 17 wives , 1 more and i have a golf course !

autopsyche · 25th November 2005, 11:40

Ek aadmi bank se bahar aake ek auto mein chada....autowala usko
uske ghar le gaya aur 100 rs liya. actually, it wouldn't have
costed more than 10 rs. Agle din, subah jab woh aadmi jagaa, he
was not able to see anything.kuch bhi nahin dikh raha tha But then, raat hote hi, uski aankh theekh ho gayi and he was able to see everything clearly.

WHY?

Kyonki autowaale ne us aadmi ko ULLOO bana diya tha!

--

Ek Gadha ped par chadha to oopar baithe haathi ne poochha:

Haathi: Tu kyun chadha ?

Gadha: Apple khaane

Haathi: Lekin yeh to Mango tree hai !!

Gadha: Maloom hai, main apple saath laaya hoon!

--

Champu and Pampu are 2 elephant friends. Champu is in love with Champi, the elephant beauty queen. Champu proposes to Champi and she rejects him for some other rich elephant across the river. Champu is very sad, so Pampu consoles Champu and asks him to play see- saw at the garden.

Suddenly the see- saw breaks... and they burst to a
song... guess which one...

"See- Saw ho ya dil ho.... aakhirrrrrr...toot jaata hai....toot jaata
hai...toot jaata hai... "

--

One day James Bond goes to buy a pan. The pan walla asks him 4
Rs. for the pan but James Bond gives him only 1.5 rs. When paan
waala asks him for the rest of the money... Bond replies .....?????

Dhai (2.5) another day!

--

Cheers!

Arush

ramkya1 · 25th November 2005, 13:09

This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all
seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer
peripheral problem.

'If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it
may need a ball replacement. Mouse ***** are now available as FRU
(Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse ***** should only be attempted by
properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse ***** by
examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic ***** will be
larger and harder than foreign *****. Ball removal procedures differ
depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign ***** can be
replaced using the pop off method. Domestic ***** are replaced by
using the twist off method.

Mouse ***** are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive
handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair
of spare ***** for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his ***** should contact the local
personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working *****
is an unhappy customer.'

---- Ramky

brainscooper · 25th November 2005, 14:20

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? !
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

sbasak · 25th November 2005, 15:37

Automobile abbreviation jokes

http://www.jokesnjokes.net/funny.jok...obiles.001.htm

Sam Kapasi · 25th November 2005, 17:52

Most of you guys bloody copy and paste your jokes - I sit and type them so i hope you like this one

Once a kid goes to the zoo with his mum and dad.
Dad's gone to the toilet.

Kid: Mummy woh kya hai?
Mum: What beta?
Kid: That loooong thing
Mum: Oh that, that is the elephants nose. We call it a trunk
Kid: pluch, mummy i know what a trunk is, THAT THAT, between his legs!
Mum: *blushing* oh that, it's nothing, chup chaap ice cream khao

Dad returns, mummy goes for soo-soo

Kid: Papa what is that looong thing
Dad: Beta, that is the elephants trunk
Kid: Pluch, dad, aage nahi, THERE between his legs
Dad: Beta thats the elephants penis.
Kid: Oh....
Dad: Why looking confused son?
Kid: Dad, when i asked mummy what it was, she said it was nothing.

Dad: *shaking head* Son, maine woh aurat ko bigaad diya hai
I've really spoiled that woman

Sam Kapasi · 25th November 2005, 18:35

Why are all tornadoes and hurricanes named after women?
When they come, they are wet and wild. When they go, they take your house and car with them.

revtech · 26th November 2005, 01:36

Hey sam the tornado joke was good.

One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife." They both laugh.

A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How are you feeling?"

The patient smiles and replies" You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home."

Rev

Sam Kapasi · 26th November 2005, 14:05

haha superb one about the headache.

Once Adam is sitting sadly in the garden of eden. God says "Sup Adam?" (well not really, but you know what i mean)
So Adam says "God, the Lion and lioness went into the jungle and coming back in a while, looking really pleased with themselves. Then the giraffes went in too and came back. The rabbits keep going in every now and then. They're all looking very pleased. I wonder what they do inside."

God: "Oh. Well adam, thats called sex."
Adam: "Sex? God what is sex?"
God: "Ummm... uhhh.... umm....*embarassed* you do one thing, you take Eve into the jungle and you will find out"

Adam takes eve into the jungle. 15 minutes later he is out.

Adam: "God? What is a headache?"

Badcheetah · 2nd December 2005, 03:54

ATM Withdrawal

How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM.

1. Park the car
2. Go to ATM Machine
3. Insert card
4. Enter PIN
5. Take money out
6. Take ATM Card out
7. Drive away

How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM

1. Park the car
2. Check makeup
3. Turn off engine
4. Check makeup
5. Go to ATM
6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7. Insert card
8. Hit Cancel
9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
10. Insert card
11. Enter PIN
12. Take cash
13. Go to car
14. Check makeup
15. Start car
16. Stop car
17. Run back to ATM
18. Take ATM card
19. Back to car
20. Check makeup
21. Start car
22. Check makeup
23. Drive for 1/2 mile
24. Release hand brake
25. Drive on.

Badcheetah · 2nd December 2005, 03:56

A Married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues.

Then 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."

Badcheetah · 2nd December 2005, 03:58

MEN_opause:

MEN_strul pain:

MEN_tal illness:

GUY_naecologist:

HIS_terectomy:

Ever noticed that all women’s problems start with MEN!!!!

MustangMan · 2nd December 2005, 11:44

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?

25th November 2005, 11:40	#679
autopsyche Senior - BHPian Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: New Delhi, Indi Posts: 1,519 Thanked: 33 Times View My Garage	Some really really out of the top PJs Ek aadmi bank se bahar aake ek auto mein chada....autowala usko uske ghar le gaya aur 100 rs liya. actually, it wouldn't have costed more than 10 rs. Agle din, subah jab woh aadmi jagaa, he was not able to see anything.kuch bhi nahin dikh raha tha But then, raat hote hi, uski aankh theekh ho gayi and he was able to see everything clearly. WHY? Kyonki autowaale ne us aadmi ko ULLOO bana diya tha! -- Ek Gadha ped par chadha to oopar baithe haathi ne poochha: Haathi: Tu kyun chadha ? Gadha: Apple khaane Haathi: Lekin yeh to Mango tree hai !! Gadha: Maloom hai, main apple saath laaya hoon! -- Champu and Pampu are 2 elephant friends. Champu is in love with Champi, the elephant beauty queen. Champu proposes to Champi and she rejects him for some other rich elephant across the river. Champu is very sad, so Pampu consoles Champu and asks him to play see- saw at the garden. Suddenly the see- saw breaks... and they burst to a song... guess which one... "See- Saw ho ya dil ho.... aakhirrrrrr...toot jaata hai....toot jaata hai...toot jaata hai... " -- One day James Bond goes to buy a pan. The pan walla asks him 4 Rs. for the pan but James Bond gives him only 1.5 rs. When paan waala asks him for the rest of the money... Bond replies .....????? Dhai (2.5) another day! -- Cheers! Arush

25th November 2005, 13:09	#680
ramkya1 Senior - BHPian Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Palakkad, Keral Posts: 1,826 Thanked: 431 Times View My Garage	Mouse *............ This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. 'If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse *** are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse * should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse * by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic * will be larger and harder than foreign *. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign * can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic * are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse * are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare * for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his * should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working *** is an unhappy customer.' ---- Ramky

25th November 2005, 14:20	#681
brainscooper BHPian Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Calicut Posts: 34 Thanked: 4 Times	One-liners 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick 8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.. 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?! The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? ! Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

2nd December 2005, 03:54	#687
Badcheetah BHPian Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: New Delhi Posts: 123 Thanked: 3 Times	difference in ATM withdrawal between Men &Women ATM Withdrawal How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM. 1. Park the car 2. Go to ATM Machine 3. Insert card 4. Enter PIN 5. Take money out 6. Take ATM Card out 7. Drive away How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM 1. Park the car 2. Check makeup 3. Turn off engine 4. Check makeup 5. Go to ATM 6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse 7. Insert card 8. Hit Cancel 9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it 10. Insert card 11. Enter PIN 12. Take cash 13. Go to car 14. Check makeup 15. Start car 16. Stop car 17. Run back to ATM 18. Take ATM card 19. Back to car 20. Check makeup 21. Start car 22. Check makeup 23. Drive for 1/2 mile 24. Release hand brake 25. Drive on.

2nd December 2005, 03:56	#688
Badcheetah BHPian Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: New Delhi Posts: 123 Thanked: 3 Times	NEVER Fight with your WIFE A Married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. Then 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

25th November 2005, 03:45	#676
sster BANNED Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: mumbai Posts: 11 Thanked: 0 Times	A blonde buys a box of laundry detergent, and it says on the box, "20 uses". A day later, the blonde calls the laundry detergent company and says" I bought your product and the box says '20 uses', but all it does is my laundry!

25th November 2005, 03:45	#677
sster BANNED Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: mumbai Posts: 11 Thanked: 0 Times	During a rock climbing expedition, an accident occurred, as some of the grappling hooks gave way. This left the eleven climbers clinging precariously to the wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on the Mountain. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks to give way and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. All ten blondes applauded.

25th November 2005, 09:22	#678
normally_crazy Senior - BHPian Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Mumbai Posts: 4,369 Thanked: 528 Times View My Garage	An Indian , American and Arab were chatting . the Indian says i have 10 children , 1 more and i have a cricket team. The American says i have 13 children, 1 more and i have a complete rugby team. The Arab says , I have 17 wives , 1 more and i have a golf course !

25th November 2005, 15:37	#682
sbasak BHPian Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: CCU-LTN Posts: 608 Thanked: 14 Times	Automobile abbreviation jokes http://www.jokesnjokes.net/funny.jok...obiles.001.htm

25th November 2005, 17:52	#683
Sam Kapasi Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Mumbai (but wat Posts: 6,997 Thanked: 2,378 Times View My Garage	Most of you guys bloody copy and paste your jokes - I sit and type them so i hope you like this one Once a kid goes to the zoo with his mum and dad. Dad's gone to the toilet. Kid: Mummy woh kya hai? Mum: What beta? Kid: That loooong thing Mum: Oh that, that is the elephants nose. We call it a trunk Kid: pluch, mummy i know what a trunk is, THAT THAT, between his legs! Mum: blushing oh that, it's nothing, chup chaap ice cream khao Dad returns, mummy goes for soo-soo Kid: Papa what is that looong thing Dad: Beta, that is the elephants trunk Kid: Pluch, dad, aage nahi, THERE between his legs Dad: Beta thats the elephants penis. Kid: Oh.... Dad: Why looking confused son? Kid: Dad, when i asked mummy what it was, she said it was nothing. Dad: shaking head Son, maine woh aurat ko bigaad diya hai I've really spoiled that woman

25th November 2005, 18:35	#684
Sam Kapasi Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Mumbai (but wat Posts: 6,997 Thanked: 2,378 Times View My Garage	Why are all tornadoes and hurricanes named after women? When they come, they are wet and wild. When they go, they take your house and car with them.

26th November 2005, 01:36	#685
revtech Senior - BHPian Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Bombay Posts: 1,992 Thanked: 38 Times View My Garage	Hey sam the tornado joke was good. One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife." They both laugh. A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How are you feeling?" The patient smiles and replies" You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home." Rev

26th November 2005, 14:05	#686
Sam Kapasi Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Mumbai (but wat Posts: 6,997 Thanked: 2,378 Times View My Garage	haha superb one about the headache. Once Adam is sitting sadly in the garden of eden. God says "Sup Adam?" (well not really, but you know what i mean) So Adam says "God, the Lion and lioness went into the jungle and coming back in a while, looking really pleased with themselves. Then the giraffes went in too and came back. The rabbits keep going in every now and then. They're all looking very pleased. I wonder what they do inside." God: "Oh. Well adam, thats called sex." Adam: "Sex? God what is sex?" God: "Ummm... uhhh.... umm....embarassed you do one thing, you take Eve into the jungle and you will find out" Adam takes eve into the jungle. 15 minutes later he is out. Adam: "God? What is a headache?"

2nd December 2005, 03:58	#689
Badcheetah BHPian Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: New Delhi Posts: 123 Thanked: 3 Times	For WOMEN ( MEN = PROBLEMS ) MEN_opause: MEN_strul pain: MEN_tal illness: GUY_naecologist: HIS_terectomy: Ever noticed that all women’s problems start with MEN!!!!

2nd December 2005, 11:44	#690
MustangMan BHPian Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: New Delhi/Indore Posts: 231 Thanked: 9 Times	Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?