The Official Joke thread

ch.nathan · 11th June 2010, 11:45

Actually I did go through this thread from the current page(277) till page 218 and didn't find similar snaps.
I guess I have to finish going through all pages before posting anymore.

jkdas · 12th June 2010, 21:57

The Bihari this is great; lol. Nice find.

ch.nathan · 18th June 2010, 13:36

A collection of documentation statements actually found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records.

These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

* The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

* Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

* The skin was moist and dry.

* Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

* The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
* The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

* Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

* She is numb from her toes down.

* Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

* While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

* The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

* Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

* Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

* Patient was alert and unresponsive.

* When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

* On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

* Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

* Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

* The patient refused autopsy.

* The patient has no previous history of suicides.

* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

* Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

* Skin: somewhat pale but present.

* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

svsantosh · 18th June 2010, 16:40

I called my mum on her 34th wedding aniversary...

Me - Mum, Congrats on ur 34th aniv....
Mum - Thx dear, cant believe how time flies away - I have been married more than your age!!
Me -

crn12 · 18th June 2010, 16:53

That was a good one svsantosh, I just burst out laughing..

Pls wish your parents a very happy anniversary from my end too

bblost · 18th June 2010, 16:56

Good one Santosh.

In a similar life's like that moment. My co-brother and his 4 year old daughter having a discussion.
He has a small farm and recently got a cow and some goats.
The kid wanted to know what will happen if they fall ill.
He said they will get an animal doctor.

My niece's eyes grew big with wonder as she asked, which animal will be the Doctor become before coming to their farm.

sanjayc · 22nd June 2010, 09:19

This is serious, OK!

YouTube - ??????????? Chinese traffic accident compilation

sidindica · 22nd June 2010, 19:13

YouTube - Origin of Himesh Reshammiya

typeOnegative · 22nd June 2010, 19:24

@sidindica: Old one, but still I am ROFLMAO.

ExtremeTorque · 30th June 2010, 18:50

Mohammed, a Pakistani child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio (USA)
"What is your name?" - asked the teacher.
"Mohammed" - answered the kid.
"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" - asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"and she beat him. Then she called his father and he too beat him.The next day Mohammed returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?
Well madam, 4 hours after I becoming an American, I was attacked by two Pakistani's At home."

prince_pervez · 30th June 2010, 20:21

I was standing at the Walmart billing section and I had loaded the belt with my stuff and the lady was scanning the barcodes and I was scanning the chololate and gum rack just adjecent. Little did I realise that the lady had finished checking in the items in the bags and was waiting for me to give her my credit card/cash and so was another man waiting for his turn. Instead of saying "Boss, move on, we haven't got all day", he said "Yup, its a tough decision" and I burst into laughter much to the amusement of the billing lady. I asked him to bill his items. It made my evening or what was left of it. Grass root level people here are absolute darlings.

AvinashKeezh · 30th June 2010, 22:36

Quote:

Originally Posted by prince_pervez

I was standing at the Walmart billing section and I had loaded the belt with my stuff and the lady was scanning the barcodes and I was scanning the chololate and gum rack just adjecent. Little did I realise that the lady had finished checking in the items in the bags and was waiting for me to give her my credit card/cash and so was another man waiting for his turn. Instead of saying "Boss, move on, we haven't got all day", he said "Yup, its a tough decision" and I burst into laughter much to the amusement of the billing lady. I asked him to bill his items. It made my evening or what was left of it. Grass root level people here are absolute darlings.

Real nice experience this one!!!

PAVAN KADAM · 30th June 2010, 22:43

Quote:

Originally Posted by prince_pervez

I was standing at the Walmart billing section and I had loaded the belt with my stuff and the lady was scanning the barcodes and I was scanning the chololate and gum rack just adjecent. Little did I realise that the lady had finished checking in the items in the bags and was waiting for me to give her my credit card/cash and so was another man waiting for his turn. Instead of saying "Boss, move on, we haven't got all day", he said "Yup, its a tough decision" and I burst into laughter much to the amusement of the billing lady. I asked him to bill his items. It made my evening or what was left of it. Grass root level people here are absolute darlings.

What a joke.

I still could not laugh

SS-Traveller · 1st July 2010, 21:08

CLASSES FOR WOMEN....

Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
Topic 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
Topic 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
Topic 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
Topic 4. Bathroom Etiquette: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
Topic 5. Communication Skills : Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
Topic 6. Communication Skills II: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
Topic 7. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
Topic 8. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
Topic 9. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
Topic 10. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN !!! ALL ARE WELCOME!!!
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays: Step by step with slide presentation.
Topic 2. Toilet paper rolls: do they grow on the holders?: Round-table discussion.
Topic 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor: Pictures and explanatory
graphics.
Topic 4. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead ofturning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
Topic 5. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health: Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 6. Real men ask for directions when lost: Real-life testimonials.
Topic 7. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?: Driving simulation.
Topic 8. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife : Online class and role playing.
Topic 9. How to be the ideal shopping companion: Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 10. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late : Cerebral shock therapy sessions

prince_pervez · 1st July 2010, 21:24

Quote:

Originally Posted by PAVAN KADAM

What a joke.

I still could not laugh

Sorry my mistake, I should have put a disclaimer saying 'Read this only if you have visited a shopping mall ever'. My bad. Besides it was an experience not a joke in which 'I' laughed. No point in opening a thread for it right ? So it got a place here.

Here is another one. Try this time.
There is a common refrigerator somewhere at office apart from the free bevereages refrigerator where people keep their food items which need coolant attention. Milk, pizzas etc. My colleague, came up to me running once and asked me to open the fridge. There was an empty milk can on which the owner had written with a permanent marker:

"Oh! I'm sorry. Looks like you will have to buy your OWN milk next time."
'Own' was underlined and written in uppercase. I have a snap of it. Will post it later.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SS-Traveller

CLASSES FOR WOMEN....

Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
Topic 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
Topic 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
Topic 8. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN !!! ALL ARE WELCOME!!!
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

Topic 2. Toilet paper rolls: do they grow on the holders?: Round-table discussion.
Topic 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor: Pictures and explanatory
graphics.
Topic 7. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?: Driving simulation.
Topic 10. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late : Cerebral shock therapy sessions

These are absolute gems. Beautifully compiled.

18th June 2010, 13:36	#4158
ch.nathan BHPian Join Date: May 2010 Location: Bangalore Posts: 516 Thanked: 70 Times	Some medical statements. A collection of documentation statements actually found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals: * The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. * Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. * The skin was moist and dry. * Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. * She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. * The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. * I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. * The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. * Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. * She is numb from her toes down. * Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. * While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. * The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. * The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead. * Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. * Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. * Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress. * Patient was alert and unresponsive. * When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. * She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. * Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. * On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. * The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. * The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. * Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. * Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. * The patient refused autopsy. * The patient has no previous history of suicides. * Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. * Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. * Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. * Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. * Skin: somewhat pale but present. * The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. * Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. * Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. * Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

18th June 2010, 16:40	#4159
svsantosh Senior - BHPian Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Dubai Posts: 3,985 Thanked: 6,167 Times View My Garage	Slight effect of old age? I called my mum on her 34th wedding aniversary... Me - Mum, Congrats on ur 34th aniv.... Mum - Thx dear, cant believe how time flies away - I have been married more than your age!! Me -

1st July 2010, 21:08	#4169
SS-Traveller Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: New Delhi Posts: 8,162 Thanked: 27,120 Times View My Garage	Training Courses Available. Join NOW! CLASSES FOR WOMEN.... Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects: Topic 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before Topic 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits Topic 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits Topic 4. Bathroom Etiquette: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too Topic 5. Communication Skills : Tears - The Last Resort, not the First Topic 6. Communication Skills II: Getting What you Want Without Nagging Topic 7. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire Topic 8. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up Topic 9. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have Topic 10. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN !!! ALL ARE WELCOME!!! Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays: Step by step with slide presentation. Topic 2. Toilet paper rolls: do they grow on the holders?: Round-table discussion. Topic 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor: Pictures and explanatory graphics. Topic 4. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead ofturning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum. Topic 5. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health: Graphics and audio tape. Topic 6. Real men ask for directions when lost: Real-life testimonials. Topic 7. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks?: Driving simulation. Topic 8. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife : Online class and role playing. Topic 9. How to be the ideal shopping companion: Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques. Topic 10. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late : Cerebral shock therapy sessions

11th June 2010, 11:45	#4156
ch.nathan BHPian Join Date: May 2010 Location: Bangalore Posts: 516 Thanked: 70 Times	Actually I did go through this thread from the current page(277) till page 218 and didn't find similar snaps. I guess I have to finish going through all pages before posting anymore.

12th June 2010, 21:57	#4157
jkdas Senior - BHPian Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Thiruvananthapu Posts: 9,687 Thanked: 1,492 Times View My Garage	The Bihari this is great; lol. Nice find.

18th June 2010, 16:53	#4160
crn12 BHPian Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Bangalore Posts: 184 Thanked: 5 Times	That was a good one svsantosh, I just burst out laughing.. Pls wish your parents a very happy anniversary from my end too

18th June 2010, 16:56	#4161
bblost Team-BHP Support Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 11,000 Thanked: 15,305 Times View My Garage	Good one Santosh. In a similar life's like that moment. My co-brother and his 4 year old daughter having a discussion. He has a small farm and recently got a cow and some goats. The kid wanted to know what will happen if they fall ill. He said they will get an animal doctor. My niece's eyes grew big with wonder as she asked, which animal will be the Doctor become before coming to their farm.

22nd June 2010, 09:19	#4162
sanjayc BHPian Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Chennai Posts: 952 Thanked: 8 Times	This is serious, OK! YouTube - ??????????? Chinese traffic accident compilation

22nd June 2010, 19:24	#4164
typeOnegative Senior - BHPian Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Vikhroli, Mumbai, India Posts: 1,503 Thanked: 27 Times	@sidindica: Old one, but still I am ROFLMAO.

30th June 2010, 18:50	#4165
ExtremeTorque BHPian Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 379 Thanked: 20 Times	Mohammed, a Pakistani child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio (USA) "What is your name?" - asked the teacher. "Mohammed" - answered the kid. "You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher. In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" - asked his mother. "My name is not Mohammed. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny." "Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"and she beat him. Then she called his father and he too beat him.The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"? Well madam, 4 hours after I becoming an American, I was attacked by two Pakistani's At home."

30th June 2010, 20:21	#4166
prince_pervez Senior - BHPian Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Redwood shores, CA, USA Posts: 4,210 Thanked: 51 Times View My Garage	I was standing at the Walmart billing section and I had loaded the belt with my stuff and the lady was scanning the barcodes and I was scanning the chololate and gum rack just adjecent. Little did I realise that the lady had finished checking in the items in the bags and was waiting for me to give her my credit card/cash and so was another man waiting for his turn. Instead of saying "Boss, move on, we haven't got all day", he said "Yup, its a tough decision" and I burst into laughter much to the amusement of the billing lady. I asked him to bill his items. It made my evening or what was left of it. Grass root level people here are absolute darlings.