Confessions of a novice trying to imitate a Detailer!

Secretariat · 17th August 2014, 15:59

If I ever see Rudra Sen in the flesh, I will sock him in the eye ! For he is entirely responsible for my misery. His crime ?? He started this thread called “A superb Car cleaning, polishing and detailing guide" . I have no idea what hooked me on to this, but I must have read every one of the 8759 posts in the thread and wasted a few months of my life. How this happened to a guy who, two years ago, thought detailing was simply something that meant elaboration, remains a mystery ! And read on for what has ultimately happened to me.

Advice from gurus on Team BHP are simply meant to be taken immediately and at face value. So I went in search of the boy in the basement - he complete with a rag that was manufactured in 1629, and the loo bucket containing a black liquid of indeterminate origin – and immediately sacked him. His incomprehension was only heightened by my telling him that henceforth I would be “detailing” my car myself.

All the elaborate reading of the 8759 posts has armed me with enough knowledge for a post doctoral thesis. Witness the evidence

I am now capable of sneering at any cloth that is not a microfiber. Not even for the tyres mind you. The tyres might be more used to the close attention of every pothole in the land. That doesn’t matter. They cannot be wiped by anything other than a microfiber cloth as any other impostor will hurt their sensitive skin.

I can extol the virtues of Meguiar’s water magnet (costing Rs 1164 ). There was a tiny voice in my head that admonished me by saying that an idiot who buys a towel that feels like sandpaper and costing Rs 26.40 (after discount) for drying his own skin after a bath should not be lusting after “Water Magnets” for his car. That has been effectively silenced. Car paint can attract swirls you know – who cares about the human body.

Talking of swirls. I sheepishly admit that at first I had to turn to a dictionary to understand what it meant. Now I am a card carrying member of the Swirl Extermination Society. My first weapon in my “Detailing Armoury” was a powerful torch. You see, artificial light is better than sunlight to smoke out lurking swirls.

What about car shampoos ? NXT vs Sonax. I think I will take another month of intensive analysis before I definitely opine on this matter. Safe to say hair shampoos are to be confined to hell – they contain corrosive elements that will harm the paint. If that it so, why are you using them on your head - won’t they corrode you own head ? the tiny voice asks. (Statutory Warning - If you snigger that the head was corroded long ago you will be socked right after Rudra.) Car paints are sensitive you know. In any case, hair shampoos have long disappeared from yours truly’s bathroom on account of the fact that the item of the anatomy they are supposed to clean has also vanished.

My thesis defence for my PhD is going to be “The great conundrum – sealant first and wax on top or wax first and sealant on top”. For the moment I can extoll the differences between C 845 and C 915 and can warn you of dire consequences of even thinking of Teflon. I am however yet to attend Ultimate Detailerz’ course on CQuartz protection, which I reliably understand is the last word on the subject.

I know all the jargon. You have to dress the tyres. You have to prep the paint. You have to buff in the end (that foxed me for a good while. I had thought that “buff” meant shedding of clothes and I was unclear how the gloss of the paint would improve if I stared into it in the nude). You can’t drop a clay bar. Water beads. Etc etc

Any detailer worth his salt has to use abbreviations that utterly befuddle ordinary mortals. If a sentence does not have a liberal sprinkling of ONR, UWWP, LSP, AIO, UTTG, then you don’t cut it. Imagine forming sentences like “Using a Rotary or a DA with UC would give much better results. Also UC with hand applicator requires a lot of elbow grease. If small sections then hand application will work, make sure you spray the applicator with a QD after every pass. Large panels then use the DA.” – This from a real post that even foxed the mighty GTO.

So armed with all the knowledge and waving a piece of plastic, I acquired Jopasu Duster, Armor all Wash and Wax, Carpro Ironx , Elastrofoam Clay, Scholls A15 Polish, Scholls W6 crystal wax , Scholls neo, ONR Wash and Wax, Ultima Tire and Trim Guard Plus, Meguiar Gold Class Leather Cleaner, Collinite 845, Wash Mitts, Water Magnet, and 57 separate Micro Fibre cloths. For good measure, I also bought a suitcase (with wheels) to carry all this stuff.

Got up early in the morning for my first detailing attempt. I was unsure about wearing professional overalls, or wearing an apron over casual clothes (I had bought both). I was in favour of overalls, until a kindly soul warned me that the sight of me hunched over a car might attract comments like “Mera car bi kar dho – bees rupya doonga” from passersby.

Here’s the result of my maiden attempt

Confessions of a novice trying to imitate a Detailer!-tired.jpg

There are 642 muscles in the human body. Every single one of them is aching as I lie prostrate on bed typing this post.

I guess I just wasn’t meant to be a detailer !

deetjohn · 17th August 2014, 16:09

Quote:

Originally Posted by Secretariat

I guess I just wasn’t meant to be a detailer !

I am terribly missing the thanks button here.

No wonder Silver sells more!

condor · 17th August 2014, 16:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by Secretariat

You have to dress the tyres. You have to prep the paint. You have to buff in the end (that foxed me for a good while. I had thought that “buff” meant shedding of clothes and I was unclear how the gloss of the paint would improve if I stared into it in the nude).

Undress yourself before you dress the tyres ? Isn't that simple ?

hemanth.anand · 17th August 2014, 17:04

Quote:

Originally Posted by Secretariat

There are 642 muscles in the human body. Every single one of them is aching as I lie prostrate on bed typing this post.

I guess I just wasn’t meant to be a detailer !

This has to be the best joke of 2014 on TBHP.

I realised that I was not born to be a detailer long time ago and so happily pay 3M guys even though the prices seems high.

So is the basement boy with his rag manufactured in 1629 and a loo bucket with a black liquid of indeterminate origin back in business?
Get well Soon Secretariat

CrAzY dRiVeR · 17th August 2014, 17:50

Lol... Finally somebody uses the thread in a very creative manner. Never knew detailing was such a good workout for the body and mind!

Sent from my iPhone using Team-BHP

sagarpadaki · 17th August 2014, 18:52

Quote:

Originally Posted by Secretariat

Advice from gurus on Team BHP are simply meant to be taken immediately and at face value. So I went in search of the boy in the basement - he complete with a rag that was manufactured in 1629, and the loo bucket containing a black liquid of indeterminate origin – and immediately sacked him. His incomprehension was only heightened by my telling him that henceforth I would be “detailing” my car myself.
----------------SNIP--------------------

That was hilarious!

As a fellow detailer i can wholly understand your thoughts!

Get well soon

Guite · 17th August 2014, 23:17

Quote:

Originally Posted by Secretariat

What about car shampoos ? NXT vs Sonax. I think I will take another month of intensive analysis before I definitely opine on this matter. Safe to say hair shampoos are to be confined to hell – they contain corrosive elements that will harm the paint. If that it so, why are you using them on your head - won’t they corrode you own head ? the tiny voice asks. (Statutory Warning - If you snigger that the head was corroded long ago you will be socked right after Rudra.) Car paints are sensitive you know. In any case, hair shampoos have long disappeared from yours truly’s bathroom on account of the fact that the item of the anatomy they are supposed to clean has also vanished.

That's a hoot. Thanks for writing. Whether or not you finish thesis and get your doctorate in detailing, I will definitely confer you my non existent university's doctorate in creative humour writing.

yo222 · 18th August 2014, 01:12

Quote:

Originally Posted by Secretariat

If I ever see Rudra Sen in the flesh, I will sock him in the eye ! For he is entirely responsible for my misery. His crime ?? He started this thread called “A superb Car cleaning, polishing and detailing guide" .

...(Statutory Warning - If you snigger that the head was corroded long ago you will be socked right after Rudra.)...

That's without doubt "the post of the era till now" on this forum.

And am still wondering how Rudra would have been feeling after reading this post of @secretariat... I mean, who would imagine that something done with v.v. good intent can also have such side effects.

By the way, I have myself have had some bouts of enthusiasm when I start with all my vigor and energies for a car wash and then after having spent almost 45 min on the bonnet, i start experiencing creeks and whistles from different parts of my body. This makes me to start rushing through with driver's door, where I spend just 20min... and the time per area starts diminishing by the time I'm done with the overall cleaning.

The real pain kicks in when I have to start cleaning with a dry cloth and see the dried beads of water on the bonnet which again need to be rubbed off using a bit of water... and it doesn't end there... After all is done and when I get into the drivers seat to admire my effort, I get to see how I have missed out on the interiors

... expecially the door inners and floor of the car... I almost implode from within to see the clock ticking away showing that I have already spent 150 min and I haven't even touched the interiors.

I somehow do a namesake clean up of interiors and leave feeling totally dissatisfied with my effort but wearing a winner's smile at the time of entering home.

And to end it all, it pains like heel when in the eve, when I'm driving my family for a dinner, my dad would cheekily remark on the interiors being so very dirty.:banghead:

P.S.: for the info of those who are wondering why am i cribbing about a simple car wash effort once in a blue moon, it was all about washing my Xylo!

Prowler · 18th August 2014, 13:29

Quote:

Originally Posted by Secretariat

If I ever see Rudra Sen in the flesh, I will sock him in the eye ! ....complete with a rag that was manufactured in 1629, and the loo bucket containing a black liquid of indeterminate origin ...

I guess I just wasn’t meant to be a detailer !

Got to hand it to you Mate - you really have a sense of humor.

It is evident from the number of Thanks your posts have accrued.

As a fellow wannabe detailer I know what a pain to detail our cars.

Thanks for lightening up our day. Do share more of your other activities as well.

Thad E Ginathom · 18th August 2014, 17:12

Secretariat. Just looking at that thread exhausts me!

Quote:

There was a tiny voice in my head that admonished me by saying that an idiot who buys a towel that feels like sandpaper and costing Rs 26.40 (after discount) for drying his own skin after a bath should not be lusting after “Water Magnets” for his car.

I use microfibre for both. I use microfibre for everything.

However, my microfibre bath towel cost about twenty times the price of my car cloths.

Oh dear, I forgot that when I was giving GTO reasons why Ishould not be a Distinguished BHPian. I'm sure the honour will be stripped, sanded, clayed or buffed off by the end of the week

~

arunphilip · 18th August 2014, 17:48

Quote:

Originally Posted by Secretariat

If I ever see Rudra Sen in the flesh, I will sock him in the eye ! For he is entirely responsible...

There are 642 muscles in the human body. Every single one of them is aching as I lie prostrate on bed typing this post.

Best. Post. Ever.

Chetan_Rao · 18th August 2014, 18:34

(Repeated) note to self: Do not read joke thread while consuming liquids. Choking hazard and injurious to well-being of electronic equipment said thread being read on

@Secretariat:

mallumowgli · 19th August 2014, 10:09

Quote:

Originally Posted by Secretariat

If I ever see Rudra Sen in the flesh, I will sock him in the eye ! For he is entirely responsible for my misery. His crime ?? He started this thread called “A superb Car cleaning, polishing and detailing guide" .

I guess I just wasn’t meant to be a detailer !

Oh my God!! I was planning to read this thread when I get some free time. I'll heed your warning. Poor Rudra does not need another man in line to sock him in the eye, you know

I think Secretariat's post would warrant a separate thread!!

mayankk · 19th August 2014, 10:55

Quote:

Originally Posted by Secretariat

If I -------------------------SNIP-------------- be a detailer !

You, sir, have created a legend here.
I propose, and most members here will agree, that this post should get a thread, and go for a battle for King of the hill with Mr. Hanky Panky.

PS: Also waiting for Rudra Sen's reply here. I'm sure its being drafted.

whitesquall · 19th August 2014, 13:14

@Secretariat: Now your eyes will be socked off if I ever see you! Your crime? Writing such a wonderful post that reflects all us wanna be detailer's thoughts and reading which, I was laughing uncontrollably in office and everybody thought I have gone bonkers due to work stress and suggested me to take a day of to rest!!

PS: BTW, I had purchased my first Elastrofoam clay bar yesterday itself and my wife thought I have gone mad to buy a piece of foam paying about 2k rupees!! That made me relate to your story even more!!

Yes, like everyone else, I am eagerly waiting for Rudra's response on this and yes, me too am missing that THANKS button big time!

17th August 2014, 15:59	#1
Secretariat BHPian Join Date: Mar 2014 Location: Bangalore Posts: 287 Thanked: 2,565 Times	Confessions of a novice trying to imitate a Detailer! If I ever see Rudra Sen in the flesh, I will sock him in the eye ! For he is entirely responsible for my misery. His crime ?? He started this thread called “A superb Car cleaning, polishing and detailing guide" . I have no idea what hooked me on to this, but I must have read every one of the 8759 posts in the thread and wasted a few months of my life. How this happened to a guy who, two years ago, thought detailing was simply something that meant elaboration, remains a mystery ! And read on for what has ultimately happened to me. Advice from gurus on Team BHP are simply meant to be taken immediately and at face value. So I went in search of the boy in the basement - he complete with a rag that was manufactured in 1629, and the loo bucket containing a black liquid of indeterminate origin – and immediately sacked him. His incomprehension was only heightened by my telling him that henceforth I would be “detailing” my car myself. All the elaborate reading of the 8759 posts has armed me with enough knowledge for a post doctoral thesis. Witness the evidence I am now capable of sneering at any cloth that is not a microfiber. Not even for the tyres mind you. The tyres might be more used to the close attention of every pothole in the land. That doesn’t matter. They cannot be wiped by anything other than a microfiber cloth as any other impostor will hurt their sensitive skin. I can extol the virtues of Meguiar’s water magnet (costing Rs 1164 ). There was a tiny voice in my head that admonished me by saying that an idiot who buys a towel that feels like sandpaper and costing Rs 26.40 (after discount) for drying his own skin after a bath should not be lusting after “Water Magnets” for his car. That has been effectively silenced. Car paint can attract swirls you know – who cares about the human body. Talking of swirls. I sheepishly admit that at first I had to turn to a dictionary to understand what it meant. Now I am a card carrying member of the Swirl Extermination Society. My first weapon in my “Detailing Armoury” was a powerful torch. You see, artificial light is better than sunlight to smoke out lurking swirls. What about car shampoos ? NXT vs Sonax. I think I will take another month of intensive analysis before I definitely opine on this matter. Safe to say hair shampoos are to be confined to hell – they contain corrosive elements that will harm the paint. If that it so, why are you using them on your head - won’t they corrode you own head ? the tiny voice asks. (Statutory Warning - If you snigger that the head was corroded long ago you will be socked right after Rudra.) Car paints are sensitive you know. In any case, hair shampoos have long disappeared from yours truly’s bathroom on account of the fact that the item of the anatomy they are supposed to clean has also vanished. My thesis defence for my PhD is going to be “The great conundrum – sealant first and wax on top or wax first and sealant on top”. For the moment I can extoll the differences between C 845 and C 915 and can warn you of dire consequences of even thinking of Teflon. I am however yet to attend Ultimate Detailerz’ course on CQuartz protection, which I reliably understand is the last word on the subject. I know all the jargon. You have to dress the tyres. You have to prep the paint. You have to buff in the end (that foxed me for a good while. I had thought that “buff” meant shedding of clothes and I was unclear how the gloss of the paint would improve if I stared into it in the nude). You can’t drop a clay bar. Water beads. Etc etc Any detailer worth his salt has to use abbreviations that utterly befuddle ordinary mortals. If a sentence does not have a liberal sprinkling of ONR, UWWP, LSP, AIO, UTTG, then you don’t cut it. Imagine forming sentences like “Using a Rotary or a DA with UC would give much better results. Also UC with hand applicator requires a lot of elbow grease. If small sections then hand application will work, make sure you spray the applicator with a QD after every pass. Large panels then use the DA.” – This from a real post that even foxed the mighty GTO. So armed with all the knowledge and waving a piece of plastic, I acquired Jopasu Duster, Armor all Wash and Wax, Carpro Ironx , Elastrofoam Clay, Scholls A15 Polish, Scholls W6 crystal wax , Scholls neo, ONR Wash and Wax, Ultima Tire and Trim Guard Plus, Meguiar Gold Class Leather Cleaner, Collinite 845, Wash Mitts, Water Magnet, and 57 separate Micro Fibre cloths. For good measure, I also bought a suitcase (with wheels) to carry all this stuff. Got up early in the morning for my first detailing attempt. I was unsure about wearing professional overalls, or wearing an apron over casual clothes (I had bought both). I was in favour of overalls, until a kindly soul warned me that the sight of me hunched over a car might attract comments like “Mera car bi kar dho – bees rupya doonga” from passersby. Here’s the result of my maiden attempt There are 642 muscles in the human body. Every single one of them is aching as I lie prostrate on bed typing this post. I guess I just wasn’t meant to be a detailer !
	(91) Thanks

17th August 2014, 17:50	#5
CrAzY dRiVeR Team-BHP Support Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Bangalore / TVM Posts: 17,174 Thanked: 73,464 Times View My Garage	Lol... Finally somebody uses the thread in a very creative manner. Never knew detailing was such a good workout for the body and mind! Sent from my iPhone using Team-BHP
	() Thanks

18th August 2014, 18:34	#12
Chetan_Rao Team-BHP Support Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Bangalore Posts: 5,879 Thanked: 24,039 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread (Repeated) note to self: Do not read joke thread while consuming liquids. Choking hazard and injurious to well-being of electronic equipment said thread being read on @Secretariat:
	() Thanks

19th August 2014, 13:14	#15
whitesquall BHPian Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Bangalore/Gulbarga Posts: 167 Thanked: 34 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread @Secretariat: Now your eyes will be socked off if I ever see you! Your crime? Writing such a wonderful post that reflects all us wanna be detailer's thoughts and reading which, I was laughing uncontrollably in office and everybody thought I have gone bonkers due to work stress and suggested me to take a day of to rest!! PS: BTW, I had purchased my first Elastrofoam clay bar yesterday itself and my wife thought I have gone mad to buy a piece of foam paying about 2k rupees!! That made me relate to your story even more!! Yes, like everyone else, I am eagerly waiting for Rudra's response on this and yes, me too am missing that THANKS button big time! Last edited by whitesquall : 19th August 2014 at 13:20.
	() Thanks