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Old 24th October 2021, 00:35   #1
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Default Car enthusiasts | A satire

Karthik - Army man
Ria- karthik’s wife
Dilip hooda- karthik’s son
Anand mahendran - karthick’s father
Taran tata- anand mahendran’s younger brother


Karthik, an army man, who is a team bhpian, returned to his home for diwali holidays. He shocked his wife, when he appeared all of a sudden in the middle of the night.

Ria : (squealed with astonishment) This is such a surprise. Why did you not let me know you were returning home.

Karthik: My leave request was approved in the morning. And I want to keep it as a surprise.

Ria: (wrapping her arms around him) You look so lean. Do you eat or not?

Karthik:( In a sullen mood) The day has been long, honey. Let's talk in the morning

Next morning:

Karthik was sitting in the portico,reading newspaper. With a basket in her hand, Ria passed by him

Karthik : Honey. Give me the basket. I will buy groceries.

Ria: so nice of you sweetie. I am going to cook a non-vegetarian meal today. So buy your favourite chicken.

Karthik : Honey, I am no longer fond of chicken. I love beef now.

Ria : Beef!! Yuk. Buy it exclusively for you. Are the armed forces so bad at cooking chicken that you hate it completely.

Karthik : No honey. Beef had more ground clea…..(cough, snort, ahem. Mechanism that his mind uses like a rein to control his tongue) than chicken.

Ria: Ground what?

Karthik : Nothing. When will Hooda wake up?

Ria: Usually at 8.

Karthik: ok. I will return before he wake up.


Kitchen:

Karthik : (Entering ardently into the kitchen with a cheerful voice) Here’s the beef
(Suddenly Closing his eyes with hands) This kitchen looks so garish. (He said in a strained voice)

Ria: what do you mean?

Karthik : Why every utensil is silver in colour?

Ria: (Innocently) They will be changed as soon as you buy everything in gold sweetie.

Karthik : Let's just paint it matte black for the time being.

Ria faked her laughter with a confused face.

Karthik was watching Tv in the drawing room. Ria carried the notebook of hooda to him

Ria: Were you the one who taught our son to answer like this?

Karthik: (He read to himself the words written by his son. ABC) Yes. I am. He asked me to help him with that question.

Ria: In what way does ABC become an answer to this question? (Pinching his ear jovially she warned him) Don't let your play interfere with his studies.

Within five minutes of her leaving, Hooda came to karthik.

Hooda: Dad. Mom said you teach me the wrong thing.

Karthik: (Taking his son into his arms) No son. My answer was correct.

Hooda: (still in confusion) Let me ask you the same question again dad. What are all the three pillars of success??

Karthik: A pillar, B pillar and C pillar

Theatre.

Horror movie.
Premises was set and ghost was about to appear.
Ria saw her husband flinging his body.

Ria: Honey, why are you throwing your body around. Are you ok. Indigestion? I know. Beef was to blame.

Karthik: No. Not the beef. My cushion has poor under thigh support, which is not comfortable for me. Knee room is limited, and the back of front seats needs to be scooped out.

Ria: Don't complain like a kindergartener honey. Adjust for two hours.

In screen
A teenage boy was lured in by a shadow to the dilapidated house. The boy entered a room of the house to figure out where the shadow came from.

Silence all around in the theatre. The head of Hooda was buried in Ria’s chest who herself had her ears covered.

In screen
A moment after he entered the room of dilapidated house, the door automatically shut.

Karthik: Thats a Thud. Thats a thud. He is safe. I am damn sure he is safe.

Ria: Why are you shouting, honey? Have you seen that movie before. Audience do not like spoilers. Please be quiet.

5 mins later.
That teenage boy body was ripped open by ghost and his intestines were sprawled on the floor.

Ria: (With trembling lips, whispered to karthik’s ears) Poor boy. You said he was safe.

Karthik: (He muttered to himself) I heard a solid reassuring thud.

Having eaten dinner, the three went to bed. Ria was puzzled by her husband's eccentric behavior. She noticed that a dull, sulky face adorns her husband's face all day long. The restless Ria called Anand mahendran her father-in-law.

Anand mahendran: Hello Ria (in a groggy voice)

Ria: Uncle, sorry to bother you at this hour. your son is behaving weirdly. I dont know what
is wrong with him?


AM: karthik? when did he return?

Ria: This morning uncle. He was dull all day with occasional outbursts. Blabbering incomprehensible words.

AM: what is he doing now?

Ria : sleeping.

AM: Dont panic. I will be there in the morning.

Anand mahendran hung up the phone, saw the moon through the window, where the flashback exposed itself.

Teenage karthik: Dad. I am going to join army.

AM: I am proud of you son.

Teenage karthik: I'm planning to enroll in coaching classes to pass my exams.

AM: A friend of mine had been running a coaching center. Wait. (Searching his friend’s number in mobile) oh. I fear I lost his contact. Let me search in web.

Anand mahendran opened Chrome browser and as soon as he began typing the name of coaching centre, teenage karthik became furious.

Teenage karthik: (In a loud hoarse voice) Daddy, I told you to uninstall that browser. Why in the world you didn’t.

There was an eruption of hell. Karthik clenched his teeth. He began to hurl strong words at his father. His mother rushed over to console her son. She cast an angry glance at her husband from the corner of her eye.

AM: sorry son. I didnt meant to. (Karthik interrupts by yelling)

Teenage karthik: Shut the chrome up.

As dark clouds passed by the moon, dad returned to reality.

Next day.

By dawn, Anand mahendran reached his son's home in his Honda city. Karthik was still sleeping. Ria and Anand mahendran discussed stuff over a cup of coffee. Ria wanted to see a psychiatrist. Mahendran explained to her that, such behavior is normal for men her age. As she was adamant, mahendran accepted her request, half heartedly.

Ria: Will he come?

AM: (smirky smile on his face) I know how to handle him.

Karthik :No dad I am not coming. Its atrocious. What happened to both of you.

AM: (Shoving the keys into his hands) You drive.

Karthik’s face turned pallor in a positive way. Like a saint attaining enlightenment. He ran towards the car. Like a labrador running towards food.

Inside the Car
Ria occupied the back seat. Anand mahendran taking the passenger seat.
Karthik was all smiles driving the car which is not helpful to Ria. It further adds to her confusion.
The father and son were seen talking enthusiastically among themselves regarding the car characteristics, paying no attention to Ria.
As a Polo GT veered into the path of his car, karthik suddenly slammed on the brakes.
Karthik rolled his window down and howled like a wolf. ’You mother DQ200’.

Ria: Honey. What did you just say?

Karthik : Nothing.

Ria: This is the problem with him, uncle. He always blabbers inappropriate language

AM: Its not inappropriate Ria. It's a cussword for a small group of german cultists.
Ria looked down without replying.

Her knees were placed in her thighs as she held her head with her hands.


Hospital:
As the trio sat, except for Ria who gazed at the wall behind the doctor, the other two set of eyes were fixed on the floor. Minutes ticked by slowly.
Ria's bloodshot eyes and haphazard hair leads the doctor to think that the problem is with her. Doctor cleared his throat and started to speak

Doctor: Your difficulty in explaining this lady's condition is understandable, gentleman. Wait outside. Let me speak to her.

Baffled, The two gentlemen left their chair and sat in the visitor’s bench outside. Ria’s eye was still fixed to wall, unaware of whats happening around her.

Doctor: Madam. Tell me whats your problem.

Ria regained her consciousness and looked around for her missing relatives.

Doctor: Dont panic. They were waiting outside. Consider me your father and share your problems

Ria: My husband

She continued reciting for 15 minutes.
The doctor stared at the wall behind Ria, cursing his decision making mind. He mumbles to himself. 10 years into practice. Cant you even diagnose,who the patient was, by their looks.

The two culprits were called in.
They remained silent. Karthik didn't want to take questions from doctor, with wife by his side. So Doctor requested Ria and anand to wait outside. He also warned them not to enter until he approved. Approximately 20 minutes later, the doctor’s attendant appeared outside and rushed through the main entrance. He later returned with two tender coconuts and entered doctors cabin.

As Ria and Anand mahendran was waiting outside, a man who was happened to be Anand mahendran’s younger brother, now a hypertensive patient, crawled towards another doctor's cabin in a wheelchair. His left upper and lower limb was paralysed, with his head dangling by his side. Immediately before entering , Taran Tata , the paralysed man caught sight of his brother and throw the smiley yellow ball at him. The way, Lasith malinga throws at the batsmen.

Taran Tata: Where is he now? I will kill him. I will kill him. (He growled)

The attendants dragged him into the doctors' cabin by his chair.

When air eased around. Ria opened her mouth.
Ria: uncle. Who is he?

AM: (In a flat voice) My younger brother. He turned into a psychopath.

Anand mahendran shifted his vision to a glass door , as a scene plays before him.

Anand mahendran, Marriageable age karthik and Taran tata sitting in a sofa. It were good times when Taran Tata’s limbs were in a perfectly working condition.

AM: Taran, It is now time for my son to get married. As a marriage broker, you were going to reduce my burden by half.

Taran tata: Never mention. Leave it to me. I'll get him a pretty woman. See this picture. He said picking a bride’s photo from his bag.

Karthik: Uncle, But I do have some conditions.

Taran tata: The boys of this generation were spoiled by cinema. Throw up.

Karthik: I am not concerned about appearance. But she should have a good heart.

Taran tata: You used the same dialogue while suggesting a car to me. Thats maturity my son. Dont worry. I'll check on her character and get in touch with you. I won't leave any stone unturned in this process.

Karthik : Thank you so much. Dont forget to send me her Test drive and Initial ownership reports.

Tube light flickered. Anand mahendran came back to present. Taran Tata was seen coming out of cabin, with saliva drooling from the corner of mouth.

Ria’s eyes were fixed at the handle of psychiatrist’s cabin door, waiting for it to open. Half an hour passed. Ria, losing her patience, opened the lock handle quietly and listened to their conversation.
Karthik was talking like a robot.

Karthik: The TSI + DSG combo is a lot of fun on the highway. Acceleration is brutal from a standstill, and the motor hungrily revs up to its redline. The engine note is so addictive that you can’t help but floor the accelerator whenever you see an empty stretch, ending up with a huge grin plastered across your face.

As she barged into the room, the conversation came to an abrupt end

Ria: doctor, what he is saying?

Shocked by his wife voice, karthik shouted.

Karthik: Infraction 0/1. Doctor, She entered without your permission. Infractions.

Ria : what infractions? Doctor,whats happening here?

Doctor: Nothing. I just asked your husband what he thinks about a car I am about to purchase. He is perfectly all right.

Ria: Nothing, nothing, nothing. Everyone saying the same thing over and over again. Arghh. With both of her hands, she pulled her hair violently and fell unconscious

Doctor: In a frantic voice. Nurse. check her BHP.

Nurse:??

Doctor: Biting tongue. Check her BP now.

Home:
In her house, Ria was lying on the sofa watching the fan after dinner. Inspite of her efforts, the puzzle has not been solved yet. Her Inner voice recommended calling her husband's army friend. She dialled.

Ria : Hi, Hope you are doing well. How is your son and wife.

Karthik’s Friend: Fine. Sadly, I was unable to get any leave during this Diwali. Anyway, sorry about your husband. Is he okay?

Ria: That's why I called you today. He seems strange. Did anything unusual happen at the army??

Karthiks friend: He is terminated from service

Ria: (The world comes to a halt. The sea becomes still. Birds feathers stop moving) Why? Wha. Who. (She finds difficulty in articulating her tongue) What for ?

Karthik’s Friend: For eveteasing a Field marshall. (He continued to tell the story)
The fight was fierce between India and Pakistan. Women and men from the Indian army were engaged in war, shooting. We were running behind our lady field marshall and getting orders. After three hours of continuous shooting from our side we relieved to find out that no bullets or bombs were fired at us, by our opponents.

Lady marshall: well done boys. Now its time for a surgical strike. You all wait here. I will enter the enemy territory in a camouflage dress to find out their base. Wait for my signal.

Karthik’s friend: (story continues)
saying this, She wore a camouflage dress and started proceeding towards enemy territory. It's unclear what happened to your husband at that time . Putting down his gun, he took his camera outside , ran behind her, and started taking pictures of Lady Field Marshal in camouflage , from all angles. He shouted as we dragged him by his arm, Leave me. I want to have a glimpse of interior” adding salt to the wound. In that process he risked everyone lives. He was immediately fired.

There was an eerie silence, save for the croaking of a frog by the portico , while Rua sat in the chair. She put her thoughts together and picked up her husband's strange words. Those words were typed in a firefox browser, which is the default browser in her home computer. Results redirect her to a video link. She clicked open the video. She waited impatiently for thirty seconds cursing the stock market ads. When the video started streaming, she opened her eyes and mouth widely in horror.

In video, she saw a prison in a far way island where the prison inmates wearing blue dress. They were walking like a zombie muttering MQB-A0-IN platform, TSI, GNCAP, ISOFIX to themselves. There were badges on everyone's chest that read newbie, senior and distinguished along with their names. Wiping the sweat dribbling down her forehead she switched off her her computer.

Opening the front door, she went outside, breathed in fresh air. She saw her father in law’s Honda city standing majestically. She walked towards the car. Its chrome grill was painted matte black. She remembers what her husband says in kitchen “paint utensils in matte black”. The car was kept in such impeccable condition that even in moon light she could see her face in it. She caressed the doors and glanced at the rear bumper. ‘Honda’ she read to herself. Hooda appears on corner of her mind. The pieces were coming together. There was a sticker, smiling at her, in the lower right corner of the bumper, that reads

Live to drive
Anand Mahendran
Distinguished bhpian
.’

The words she saw on the dress of inmates of island prison.

She backed off and fell to the ground beside the car realising her father in law is a previous inmate of the Island prison hospital, now on parole. She understands how her husband got the contagious disease. She also realised why her mother in law ran away divorcing him.

For the sake of saving her son and sending both men to Island prison hospital she scurried into the house and opened the yellow pages in search of Island prison hospital warden’s number. She entered the ten-digit number and hit the call button. True caller presents itself on the screen “Calling GTO.
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Old 24th October 2021, 13:00   #2
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That was quite the read!

I never liked puns but as I grow older, I really find them hilarious.

Also, 'Ria' pretty much signifies all the non-car people in the lives of Bhp-ians poor folks.
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Old 24th October 2021, 14:29   #3
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This write-up made my Sunday afternoon.

Your post was a delight to read. I was smiling throughout.

Your post makes me realize that the mumbling of us enthusiasts of the automotive terms is truly mumbo-jumbo for the non-enthusiasts, no I don't pity them.
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Old 24th October 2021, 15:30   #4
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That's a thud, he's safe!!!
And the camouflage!!!!
Man that was something else!!!!

Last edited by Chetan_Rao : 24th October 2021 at 18:48. Reason: As requested
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Old 24th October 2021, 16:56   #5
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Wonderfully composed and great humour

DQ200, thuds, matte black, camouflage and those 3 pillars were hilarious!
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Old 25th October 2021, 08:58   #6
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I hope my situation is not this bad but it doesn't look too far fetched! I may never be able to look at the stuff in our kitchen without thinking about matte black :-) I enjoyed reading your Kodia thread and this.
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Old 25th October 2021, 09:28   #7
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What a hilarious kick off for the week… This has a wider grin plastered on my face than the ivtec pleasure�� You have a brilliant narration style mate, kudos! I am still laughing about the camouflage and view of interiors!
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Old 25th October 2021, 10:06   #8
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Honda >>>> Hooda .
That was a reassuring thud.
Check her BHP.

Hilarious
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Old 25th October 2021, 10:27   #9
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Shut the chrome up!

That is some pure gold writing there, not matt black
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Old 25th October 2021, 10:54   #10
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I didn't expect it to be this hilarious. Skodas, VWs, spy shots and matte, door thuds and platforms and motors that pull, all of this drives the other ones mad.

Last edited by Gannu_1 : 25th October 2021 at 11:00. Reason: Typos.
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Old 25th October 2021, 11:06   #11
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And Ria >>>> Kia?

This was a hilarious read! Thanks for the write-up!!!
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Old 25th October 2021, 11:28   #12
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This would've been the perfect response but I didn't and quoting the most hilarious(IMO) line from your story
Quote:
Originally Posted by Torque250 View Post
Infraction 0/1. Doctor, She entered without your permission. Infractions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Torque250 View Post
The pieces were coming together.
This para was beautifully written and concluded the story, well done
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Old 25th October 2021, 13:03   #13
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Eagerly waiting for Episode 2!!

I can already foresee that this will be my future. (25yo & Bachelor now)
All other non-car-enthusiasts/ car-enthusiasts in my family need to read this.

Going to forward this to my Ria!! She needs to brace herself.

Lovely and cheerful write up mate! This post has painted my monday Matte-black. Thankyou!

-NA
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Old 25th October 2021, 13:15   #14
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Hilarious read. Camouflage was epic!
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Old 25th October 2021, 14:03   #15
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I have no wordsBut where does his son Dilip Hooda fit in though, is there a part 2 to all this? If so it'll be great
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