[tsk1979]

As I have matured.....
've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the *** are permanent.

[manson]

And u say u hav problems.......


Once two men sat in a bar drinking. The first one said to the other ,"I
have a hell lot of family problems." The second one said ,"I'll tell
you mine. I married a widow having a young daughter. my father married
my daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my
father's
father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occured when I had a son. My son is my father's brother
and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son.
Now
my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have
become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems".

manson.

[DRC]

An elephant & an ant were in love. But, their families didnt agree. So Guess wat the ant said to her mom..?
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"Uska baccha mere pet mein phal raha hai......!"

[binz]

[2L8uLoose]

One day, a Russian couple are walking down the street, trying to find some black bread to go with there cabbage soup, when the husband says, "Did you just feel rain there?"
"No, I thought it felt more like snow", replied his wife and, as these things go in married life, it developed into an argument.
Just then, a communist party official walked by. "Lets ask Rudolph if it is officially raining or snowing today", suggested the woman.
So they asked. "Today it is officially raining", said the Rudolph, and walked away.
"I still thought it was snow", moaned the mans wife, to which he replied," Rudolph the Red knows rain dear!"

[condor]

http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/292838-post1514.html

Originally Posted by manson

And u say u hav problems.......

Once two men sat in a bar drinking. The first one said to the other ,"I have a hell lot of family problems." The second one said ,"I'll tell you mine. ... Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems".

http://homepages.rootsweb.com/~surna...owngrampa.html

Note the year of this one. Was a nice, funny song.


Many, many years ago when I was 23
I was married to a Wider who was purty as can be
This Wider had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her and soon they two were wed
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life
For my daughter was my mother cause she was my father's wife
To complicate the matter even though it brought me joy
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy

I'm my own grampa,
I'm my own grampa
It sounds funny I know
But it really is so
I'm my own grampa

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad
And so became my uncle though it made me very sad
For if he was my uncle then that also made him brother
Of the Wider's grown up daughter who of course was my step-mother

My father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run
And he became my granchild for he was my daughters son
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue
Because although she is my wife she's my grandmother too

I'm my own grampa,
I'm my own grampa
It sounds funny I know
But it really is so
I'm my own grampa

Oh if my wife is my grandmother then I'm her grandchild
And every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild
For now I have become strangest case you ever saw
As husband of my own grandmother I'm my own grampa

I'm my own grampa,
I'm my own grampa
It sounds funny I know
But it really is so
I'm my own grampa

[Technocrat]

Schumi and Alonso are in a desert.
Evening comes, they set up their tent.
Both go to sleep.
Alonso wakes up in the middle of the night.
Schumi isn't in the tent.
He can hear something coming from outside the tent.
Alonso peeps out and sees Schumi running around the tent like crazy, a big lion after him...
Alonso: Run faster, he's gonna catch you!

--
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--

Schumi: Don'tworry, I lead by three laps...

[Sam Kapasi]

OK chal I'm gona type out a joke i heard many years ago

Once this guy wakes up and comes down to the dining room and his wife looks at him and says "OMG! What happened to you" He says. "why? I feel absolutely fine" She says "You look awful, better sit, don't go to work today"

He gets annoyed, because he feels fantastic. Leaves for office, as soon as he enters, his secretary says "What happened sir? You look terrible!!!"
He says "but i feel fine, what is going on, what is everyone talking about" Looks in the mirror.

"I do look bad today" thought he.

Toh, he went to the doctor.
Doctor saw him, one look and he said "OMG!! You'd better ie down you look AWFUL!!"

"But i feel fine doctor!! In fact i feel great! What's wrong?"

"I don't know myself, let me refer to the big fat book all doctors must refer to"

(reading) "Look good, feel fine, no

Look good, feels terrible, no no no

AAAh Here is is Looks terrible, feels fantastic - YOU'RE A VAGINA!"

[speedzak]

SAM!!!! Please!! Man, I'm just

[furioussphinx]

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

[Technocrat]

Besides a repost it ainta true story I have this joke with different reasons(for two weeks parking) & with different cars including Rolls Royce

[2L8uLoose]

Cricket explained
You have two sides one out in the field and one in.
Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out and when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out.
When they are all out the side that’s out comes in and the side that’s been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When both sides have been in and out including the not outs, THAT’S THE END OF THE GAME !
HOWZAT !!!!!

The cricketer and the psychiatrist
The cricketer was visiting the psychiatrist.
Cricketer: ‘It’s terrible. I can’t score runs, I’m a terrible bowler, and I can’t hold a catch. What can l do?
Doctor: ‘Get another job.’
Cricketer: ‘I can’t. I’m playing for England tomorrow!’

Devils versus Angels cricket match
The Devils challenged the Angels to a game of cricket.
“But we’ve got all the cricketers,” said the Angels.
“Yes. But we’ve got all the umpires!” exclaimed The Devils

[condor]

* Actual Mail thread.
* All names have been edited
* Contains multiple smilies, as in the original thread.

Mods, pls edit / del if required


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: NCJ
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 11:45 AM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

Hi,
Can we have better coffee vending machines in Bglr DC like other DC's? I remember we had got this Horlicks/Bornvita Vending machines in Hyd-DC (one per building) which lot of people out there has appreciated. Can we hope of getting similar ones in Bglr DC .

Regards,
NCJ
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: MRS
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 11:57 AM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject:

Yes please...both tea and coffee taste really horrible...the milk powder is no substitute for actual milk.. what with all kinds of bugs coming out of the machine too!

It would be really nice to have something like what is suggested here.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: SS
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:11 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

I agree with you that milk powder is no substitute for actual milk. Similarly old milk is no substitute for fresh milk.

So how about having a cow and a decoction maker in each building, so that we can get a nice flavoured coffee.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: A S S
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:14 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

Can we also have buffaloes please ???

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: ANT
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:23 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

Why don't we have goats too......?.

AA, are you listening?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: JG
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:37 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

I did not get this

Goats and then AA are you listening?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: RR
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:39 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject:

Can we have explanations?

RR
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: SK
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:50 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

Who is AA? Is it a goats name??

Regards,
SK

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From: AM
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:55 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

I think AA is the one who might arrange for the goats!!!!!!! (No offences meant) :-)

Can anyone make the arrangements for the cow and buffaloes please?
Also the tea and coffee plantations!!!!!!!!

;-)

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From: AA
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 3:09 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

No!

If you want I can sign a petition online beseeching the authorities to allow cows, buffaloes and good coffee vending machines in ****....

That's the MAX I am willing to do

Thanks and Regards,
AA

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From: A S S
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 3:12 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

What if some buffalo turns out to be a LeT operative ?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: NCJ
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 3:14 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: Re:Can we have better coffee vending machines?

Now we have to decide whether should buy Vending machines or milk giving animals like Cow/buffalo/Goat?

Regards,
NCJ

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: AM
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 3:26 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: Re:Can we have better coffee vending machines?

No need to buy the vending macines as CCD will provide them on loan I guess. Now coming to the goats/cows/buffaloes we have to purchase them, now the question is how many???? Should all building have one of each or should one building have only one animal?/? That is the point we have to decide on.

As far as the plantation goes I think the golf course is used no more, so we can have a tea and coffee plantation over there.

After all its about tea or coffee so we need the main ingredient fresh!!!!! isnt it????????

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From: SS
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 3:43 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

Guys ............. It was started with cow. Then people added buffalos and goats to the list. Check if anything else is missed out ( if its milk is useful or it is useful in some other way) before sending the suggestion to the concerned dept / authority.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: AM
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 3:53 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

Will the goats, buffaloes, cows and other animals have to follow the dress code ????????? And will they have permanent ID card???????/ After all security was questioned by one of us!

I think having ID cards will help ensure better security. + the dress code will make them look more professional

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From: SSD
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:03 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

Yes, 'Photo ID Card' is necessary!

Or we would need dogs if the animals look too similar for security guys to identify.

Baggage check is not in question right now, but may be some day, if we have plans to allow Kangaroos for some reason.

SSD

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From: AM
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:11 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

Yes thats true.

As cars or two wheelers are no more allowed inside the campus and the golf carts are only for the clients the ones who do not know cycling can use kangaroos for quick transportations from one place to another within the campus.

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From: CC
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:12 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject:

Can the milking of the cows, buffaloes and goats be outsourced since it's not a core competency that *** enjoys ?

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From: AS
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:14 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

Ya...and that will make devegowda happy too

AS

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From: ASC
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:19 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject:

Can we have a separate DC for their Training n production?
"Production People" - no they would called "Production Animals"

N they hv separate recruitment policy.

Can any one suggest their minimum criteria?

ASC

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From: SS
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:40 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

Yes we need to have very strict selection criteria so that only quality cows/buffaloes/camels/goats/sheep/llama/elk/elephants etc. are recruited for milking.

1) Should have consistently high 'milkademic' performance. Should have given more than or equal to 10 litres/day in the past.
2) Should have high 'dungamatic' quotient. Should not have passed dung on the premises more than 3.4 times per 1000 days.
3) Should be good team players and not kick the milkman while milking.
4) Should meet deadlines and allow milking at late-hours and night-shifts too for the foreign clients.
5) Should have no communication skills else can disturb the employees by ba-ba/moo-moo etc.

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From: AA
Posted At: Fri 1/20/2006 4:44 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

Ba-Ba Moo-Moo - ROTFL

What will the grazing grounds signboards say in that case? "Milking in progress, No mooing please?"

And will the cattle stock be taught to read these

Thanks and Regards,
AA
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: KK
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:53 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

wil our dear cows /buffaloos........................................e tc hav onsite oppurtunities as they wud surely want to know this in the interview...............

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From: AM
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:59 PM
Posted To: <Bulletin Board>
Subject: RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?

Yes certainly they should have, as **** is a global company!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perhaps after tasing the coffee and tea here the client might want to outsource their coffee and tea facility to ****
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[iraghava]

HAHAHAHAHAHA ROTFLMAO Man Condor that was Hilarious

And let me guess is the company Infosys by any chance??

[condor]

Company name is also supposed to have been edited - but 'devegowda's the mole that gave it all away ...