The Official Joke thread

Vid6639 · 2nd April 2007, 13:45

ok really really bad joke:

how do you get iron ore from hema malini?

you take hema out to drink get her fully drunk, she become hematite,

and there you go hematite = iron ore.

benbsb29 · 2nd April 2007, 14:21

vid, this is all i can say !!

Kaizer Sozay · 2nd April 2007, 20:33

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and
a goodcook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Marriages are made in heaven.
But so again, are thunder and lightning.

One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby.

A man owes his success to his first wife;
and his second wife to his success.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of
chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

When a man steals your wife,
there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is like a cage;
those outside are desperate to get in,
and those inside desperate to get out.

By all means marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage,the 'Y'becomes silent.

I had some words with my wife,
and she had some paragraphs with me.

Vid6639 · 2nd April 2007, 21:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by benbsb29

vid, this is all i can say !!

yeah I know really sick one that was. ok let me top it off.

What happens when someones sister swallows a roll of kodak film?

Photos-in-the-sis.

LOL!!! you guys are going to beat me up I'm sure.

Kaizer Sozay · 2nd April 2007, 22:34

Quote:

Originally Posted by normally_crazy

The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home.
He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling: CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!!

THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!

The wife is very upset: What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?

The husband calmly replies:This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am DRIVING and you sit next to me.

Boy oh boy, I loved this one its just like when my Mom sits in the back seat

theMAG · 2nd April 2007, 23:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by vid6639

yeah I know really sick one that was. ok let me top it off.

What happens when someones sister swallows a roll of kodak film?

Photos-in-the-sis.

LOL!!! you guys are going to beat me up I'm sure.

What did you inhale today thats making you this frisky?

moralfibre · 3rd April 2007, 16:00

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return
with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
buddy (-2)
Named Saloni (-4)
Saloni is a dancer (-6)
Saloni is single and is really beautiful (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You forget her birthday (-50000)
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawa iian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned __expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
Now what chance do you have???

DCEite · 4th April 2007, 15:03

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Indian Innings.

Where do Indian batsmen perform there best?
In Advertisements.

When would Agarkar have 100 runs against his name?
When he is bowling.

What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Indian batsmen?
The walk back to the pavilion.

How to increase the chances of Indian batsmen playing out the entire 50 overs?
Try giving them two innings to begin with, then try three and so on.

What is the Indian version of a hat-trick?
3 runs in 3 *****

What is the height of optimism ?
Sehwag coming out to bat applying sunscreen on his face.

Phone Call for Sehwag:
Indian Team Manager : "Hello"(over Phone)
Wife :"Can I talk to Sehwag, this is his wife."
Indian Team Manager:"Sorry,he is just going to bat"
Wife:"No Problem Manager, I will Hold on"

Some More...

Why do Indian babies cry and complain all the time?
They are practicing how to become Indian cricketers when they grow up.

What is an handcuffed Indian Cricketer called?
A cricketer you can trust.

What are the four words that will destroy any Indian batsman?
Did you bat today?

Why doesn't the crowd blink when Tendulkar goes out to bat?
There just is no time until he gets out again.

What is the difference between an Indian batsman and an Australian one?
100 runs.

What is the difference between batteries and Indian cricketers?
Batteries have a positive side.

How do you force Indian cricketers to run between wickets?
You place food on either end.

Q. What is Ganguly's favorite movie?
A. Gone in 60 seconds

V-16 · 4th April 2007, 16:55

This ones for the Soap Opera Fans:

Q : What does Ekkta KKapoor say to her lover when shes exited?

A: "Lets go to the bedroom and KKuck!!"

Steeroid · 4th April 2007, 18:46

What kind of motor vehicles are mentioned in the Old Testement?

Honda ... because the apostles were all in Accord.

Joz · 4th April 2007, 18:53

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steeroid

What kind of motor vehicles are mentioned in the Old Testement?

Honda ... because the apostles were all in Accord.

Mate, there were no apostles mentioned in the Old Testement.

elf · 4th April 2007, 19:32

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You do it again....?"

theMAG · 5th April 2007, 13:54

PROFESSOR : Gandhi Jayanti ke baray mein kya jante ho?

MUNNA BHAI :Gandhi bahut zabardast aadmi tha, Baap. Maa Kasam, par apun ko yeh nehin maloom ke yeh Jayanti kaun hai.

-----------

CIRCUIT : Bhai, Bapu ne bola tha ke kabhi jhoot nehin bolna mangta hai. Apun aaj se kabhi jhoot nehin bolega Bhai.

MUNNA BHAI : Aye Circuit, woh Sabrina ka baap aya hai tere ko dund rehla hai.

CIRCUIT : Bhai usko bolo apun gaoon gayea hai, kheti karne ko.

MUNNA BHAI : Par Circuit, abhi to tu bola kabhi jhoot nehin bolega.

CIRCUIT :Bhai, apun jhoot nehin bolega, par tum to bol sakta hai na.

-----------

CIRCUIT :Bhai, woh apnay bachpan ka dost aarehla hai aaj raat ko dinner pe. Mera sara chain collection apnay kamray mein chupa do na please.

MUNNABHAI :Kyun tera dost chor hai kya?

CIRCUIT : Nehin Bhai, woh apnay chain pechan lega.

--------------------

MUNNA BHAI : Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?

CIRCUIT : Bhai, gaadi hai.

MUNNA BHAI : Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?

CIRCUIT : Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi.

-----------------------

CIRCUIT :Oye Short Circuit yeh light bulb pe baap ka naam kya likh raha hai?
SHORT CIRCUIT : Apun baap ka naam roshan kar rehle hai.

------------------

PRINCIPAL :Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200 Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500.

MUNNA BHAI :Boley to Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu

vivekiny2k · 5th April 2007, 20:07

Quote:

Originally Posted by moralfibre

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.

your whole perspective is wrong. you set out with a goal to win the argument? what were you thinking.

the goal should be to end the argument ASAP and return to the beer, chips, and the game on TV

nevertouchme · 6th April 2007, 19:30

This is a good one....

Cheers,
Jai

2nd April 2007, 20:33	#1833
Kaizer Sozay BHPian Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Melbourne Posts: 333 Thanked: 5 Times View My Garage	Marriage Or a Mirage Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a goodcook. But the law allows only one wife. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby. A man owes his success to his first wife; and his second wife to his success. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Marriage is like a cage; those outside are desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher... Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,the 'Y'becomes silent. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Last edited by Kaizer Sozay : 2nd April 2007 at 20:35.

4th April 2007, 19:32	#1842
elf BANNED Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Bombay Posts: 1,039 Thanked: 13 Times View My Garage	Encore...? An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You do it again....?"

5th April 2007, 13:54	#1843
theMAG Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: May 2006 Location: Avon, CT Posts: 7,217 Thanked: 1,807 Times View My Garage	Munnabhai jokes PROFESSOR : Gandhi Jayanti ke baray mein kya jante ho? MUNNA BHAI :Gandhi bahut zabardast aadmi tha, Baap. Maa Kasam, par apun ko yeh nehin maloom ke yeh Jayanti kaun hai. ----------- CIRCUIT : Bhai, Bapu ne bola tha ke kabhi jhoot nehin bolna mangta hai. Apun aaj se kabhi jhoot nehin bolega Bhai. MUNNA BHAI : Aye Circuit, woh Sabrina ka baap aya hai tere ko dund rehla hai. CIRCUIT : Bhai usko bolo apun gaoon gayea hai, kheti karne ko. MUNNA BHAI : Par Circuit, abhi to tu bola kabhi jhoot nehin bolega. CIRCUIT :Bhai, apun jhoot nehin bolega, par tum to bol sakta hai na. ----------- CIRCUIT :Bhai, woh apnay bachpan ka dost aarehla hai aaj raat ko dinner pe. Mera sara chain collection apnay kamray mein chupa do na please. MUNNABHAI :Kyun tera dost chor hai kya? CIRCUIT : Nehin Bhai, woh apnay chain pechan lega. -------------------- MUNNA BHAI : Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai? CIRCUIT : Bhai, gaadi hai. MUNNA BHAI : Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai? CIRCUIT : Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi. ----------------------- CIRCUIT :Oye Short Circuit yeh light bulb pe baap ka naam kya likh raha hai? SHORT CIRCUIT : Apun baap ka naam roshan kar rehle hai. ------------------ PRINCIPAL :Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200 Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500. MUNNA BHAI :Boley to Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu

2nd April 2007, 13:45	#1831
Vid6639 Team-BHP Support Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Bangalore Posts: 17,730 Thanked: 43,475 Times View My Garage	ok really really bad joke: how do you get iron ore from hema malini? you take hema out to drink get her fully drunk, she become hematite, and there you go hematite = iron ore.

2nd April 2007, 14:21	#1832
benbsb29 Team-BHP Support Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Brisbane Posts: 9,968 Thanked: 13,223 Times View My Garage	vid, this is all i can say !!

3rd April 2007, 16:00	#1837
moralfibre Team-BHP Support Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: MH-12 Posts: 8,451 Thanked: 13,973 Times	Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed (+1) You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5) You check out a suspicious noise at night (0) You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5) You pummel it with iron rod (+10) It's her pet (-10) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party (0) You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2) Named Saloni (-4) Saloni is a dancer (-6) Saloni is single and is really beautiful (-80) HER BIRTHDAY You forget her birthday (-50000) You take her out to dinner (0) You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1) Okay, it's a sports bar (-2) And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3) It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10) A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie (+2) You take her to a movie she likes (+4) You take her to a movie you hate (+6) You take her to a movie you like (-2) It's called 'DeathCop' (-3) You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15) YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15) You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawa iian shirts (-30) You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000) ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT] You hesitate in responding (-10) You reply, "Where?" (-35) Any other response (-20) COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned __expression (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50) You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500) She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000) Now what chance do you have???

4th April 2007, 15:03	#1838
DCEite Senior - BHPian Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: NCR Posts: 3,417 Thanked: 2,559 Times	What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet? The entire Indian Innings. Where do Indian batsmen perform there best? In Advertisements. When would Agarkar have 100 runs against his name? When he is bowling. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Indian batsmen? The walk back to the pavilion. How to increase the chances of Indian batsmen playing out the entire 50 overs? Try giving them two innings to begin with, then try three and so on. What is the Indian version of a hat-trick? 3 runs in 3 ***** What is the height of optimism ? Sehwag coming out to bat applying sunscreen on his face. Phone Call for Sehwag: Indian Team Manager : "Hello"(over Phone) Wife :"Can I talk to Sehwag, this is his wife." Indian Team Manager:"Sorry,he is just going to bat" Wife:"No Problem Manager, I will Hold on" Some More... Why do Indian babies cry and complain all the time? They are practicing how to become Indian cricketers when they grow up. What is an handcuffed Indian Cricketer called? A cricketer you can trust. What are the four words that will destroy any Indian batsman? Did you bat today? Why doesn't the crowd blink when Tendulkar goes out to bat? There just is no time until he gets out again. What is the difference between an Indian batsman and an Australian one? 100 runs. What is the difference between batteries and Indian cricketers? Batteries have a positive side. How do you force Indian cricketers to run between wickets? You place food on either end. Q. What is Ganguly's favorite movie? A. Gone in 60 seconds

4th April 2007, 16:55	#1839
V-16 Senior - BHPian Join Date: May 2005 Location: mumbai Posts: 4,594 Thanked: 950 Times View My Garage	This ones for the Soap Opera Fans: Q : What does Ekkta KKapoor say to her lover when shes exited? A: "Lets go to the bedroom and KKuck!!"

4th April 2007, 18:46	#1840
Steeroid Senior - BHPian Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: N.A Posts: 7,046 Thanked: 2,751 Times	What kind of motor vehicles are mentioned in the Old Testement? Honda ... because the apostles were all in Accord.

6th April 2007, 19:30	#1845
nevertouchme BHPian Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Bangalore Posts: 302 Thanked: 62 Times	This is a good one.... Cheers, Jai