The Official Joke thread

Zappo · 22nd June 2007, 18:39

Two drunks are returning home late at night, marching along the railway tracks.

First: Bloody hell. There are just too many stairs here... They should have had a lift.

Second: Tell you what, even the hand-rails are too low.

appuchan · 22nd June 2007, 18:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zappo

Two drunks are returning home late at night, marching along the railway tracks.

First: Bloody hell. There are just too many stairs here... They should have had a lift.

Second: Tell you what, even the hand-rails are too low.

On hearing an approaching train...

First: 'Hey, isnt that like your mother in law is screaming at you?'
Second: 'Nah, this time I aint gonna budge!'

zakaaaaasss · 25th June 2007, 14:27

Most men like women. But, most men like beer too! So, for men it becomes a rather confusing choice between women and beer ! Following is a debate, developed by the University of Mumbai , in India.... to help you analyze which is better !

Here is the debate .......

A Beer is always wet, a woman is not !
1 point for beer !

Beer is horrible, when it is hot !
1 point for women !

A cold beer, satisfies you !
1 point for beer !

If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you. If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for sure and she might even not talk to you again !
Draw ! ( Depends on your point of view ... )

10 beers in a night and then you can't drive. 10 women in one night and you don't have to drive anywhere !
1 point for women !

The older, The beer is - the better, it is !
1 point for beer !

Many beers can make you see UFO's. Many women can make you see God !
1 point for women !

If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you are normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you are an alcoholic !
1 point for women !

For a beer, you pay taxes !
1 point for women !

If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry !
1 point for beer !

You can always be sure that, you are the first one " Opening " a beer !
1 point for beer !

If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself !
1 point for beer !

You know exactly how much a beer costs !
1 point for beer !

A beer does not have a mother !
1 point for beer !

You can do it if you want, but beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after !
1 point for beer !

So the Score is .......... Beer beats women - 9 to 6 !

If you are a woman reading this and getting angry ........ know that a beer would never get angry ! So .......... Another point for beer !
Now the final score is .......... Beer beats women - 10 to 6 !

maktags · 25th June 2007, 15:17

A young guy moves to Montreal and goes to a big department store
looking for a job.

The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give
you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you
might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. you get the idea?"
"Of course," the young man said. His first day on the job was rough but he
got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did
you make today?" The kid says, "One."The manager groans, "Just one? Our
sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The
kid says, "$101,237.64."

The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

The kid, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish
hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast,
so I told him he was going need a boat, so we went down to the boat
department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he
didn't think his Honda Civic would pulls it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."

The manager says, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you
sold him a boat and truck?!"

The kid, "No no no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I
said, "Well, since your weekend's already ****ed up, you might as well go
fishing."

benbsb29 · 25th June 2007, 16:01

One from me here:

This happened in Jeddah Airport in Saudi Arabia. One Indian passenger named Anantharaman Subbaraman arrived at Jeddah airport.

He ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hrs for the authorities to call his name...

Finally, he got wild and went to the Saudi authorities and shouted why they haven't called his name yet.

They retaliated & claimed that they have been calling him for the last hour and a half ......... and were wondering why he hadn't responded! Why??? think!! give up??

The reason was made clear when the Saudi immigration officer announced
his name again on the microphone as : 'Anotherman Superman'

highwayblaze · 25th June 2007, 23:18

Hope its not already posted -:

Once two men sat in a bar drinking. The first one said to the other ,"I
have a hell lot of family problems." The second one said ,"I'll tell
you mine. I married a widow having a young daughter. my father married my
daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's
father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occured when I had a son. My son is my father's brother
and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son.
Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have
become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have
family problems...

moralfibre · 26th June 2007, 09:58

Funny Jokes, Pictures, Bloopers and More: Innocent English Amazing english!

manson · 26th June 2007, 12:41

There was once a Gujarati Bhai Patel, owning a shop,
living in USA, and he was involved in a car accident.

At the hospital, when he awoke, he called for the nurse to find out
what had happened to him.

I'm very sorry, sir, but you were involved in a very bad car crash.
"Car crash! My Corolla!! Is my car all right?" he asked
hysterically.
"Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of your worries
- you lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to save
it," she said apologetically.
"I lost my arm? My Swiss Watch! My Swiss Watch!!"

"Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your worries. You are
in a very critical condition, but all your family is here to see
you."

He asked for his family to be called in. As they gathered around
the bed, he called for each of them by name.

"Alpa, are you here?"
"I am here dear, and I will never leave you", said Mrs. Patel.

"Diness, are you here?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Kalpess, are you here?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Kamless, my son, are you here?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Paress, my child, are you here too?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Well" said patel thoughtfully, "Alpa, Diness, Kalpess,
Paress and Kamless are here....... and if all of you are here,
.............. .......
.............. .
.............

THEN WHO THE HELL IS IN THE S(H)OP!!!!!? ???"

manson.

Mr.Bangalore · 26th June 2007, 14:15

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors; green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and made love with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."

ajitkommini · 27th June 2007, 11:53

normally_crazy · 27th June 2007, 16:08

One day Kuttappan's dad bought a robot.

The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.

Kuttappan returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, " Son why are you late from school?".

Kuttappan answered, "Dad we had extra classes today".

Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Kuttappan on his face.

His dad told him Mone (son) This robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, " Why are you late?"

"Dad I went for a movie", " Which movie?" "The Ten Commandments", Splatt Kuttappan got a tight slap on the face from the robot.

" No dad honest I went for the movie Hot Nude Queen."

Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things."

Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.

Hearing all this, Kuttappans mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying, "Athu pinne enginnenaa, ningalude monealle?" ( After all he is your son, he will be like you), to which the robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Kuttappans mothers face.

benbsb29 · 27th June 2007, 16:11

Gautam, nice one..!!! LOL !!!
How did u manage the Malayalam part?

normally_crazy · 27th June 2007, 16:23

Hehe - A friend from Kerela forwarded it.

msdivy · 28th June 2007, 11:12

normally_crazy · 28th June 2007, 11:16

msdivy - thats HOWLARIOUS maan. Nice find.

25th June 2007, 14:27	#2013
zakaaaaasss BHPian Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Augsburg - Pune Posts: 222 Thanked: 5 Times View My Garage	Beer & Women Most men like women. But, most men like beer too! So, for men it becomes a rather confusing choice between women and beer ! Following is a debate, developed by the University of Mumbai , in India.... to help you analyze which is better ! Here is the debate ....... A Beer is always wet, a woman is not ! 1 point for beer ! Beer is horrible, when it is hot ! 1 point for women ! A cold beer, satisfies you ! 1 point for beer ! If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you. If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for sure and she might even not talk to you again ! Draw ! ( Depends on your point of view ... ) 10 beers in a night and then you can't drive. 10 women in one night and you don't have to drive anywhere ! 1 point for women ! The older, The beer is - the better, it is ! 1 point for beer ! Many beers can make you see UFO's. Many women can make you see God ! 1 point for women ! If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you are normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you are an alcoholic ! 1 point for women ! For a beer, you pay taxes ! 1 point for women ! If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry ! 1 point for beer ! You can always be sure that, you are the first one " Opening " a beer ! 1 point for beer ! If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself ! 1 point for beer ! You know exactly how much a beer costs ! 1 point for beer ! A beer does not have a mother ! 1 point for beer ! You can do it if you want, but beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after ! 1 point for beer ! So the Score is .......... Beer beats women - 9 to 6 ! If you are a woman reading this and getting angry ........ know that a beer would never get angry ! So .......... Another point for beer ! Now the final score is .......... Beer beats women - 10 to 6 !

25th June 2007, 15:17	#2014
maktags BHPian Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Gurgaon Posts: 46 Thanked: 11 Times	salesguy A young guy moves to Montreal and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. you get the idea?" "Of course," the young man said. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One."The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?" The kid, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pulls it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero." The manager says, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!" The kid, "No no no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's already ****ed up, you might as well go fishing."

26th June 2007, 14:15	#2019
Mr.Bangalore BHPian Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Bengalooru Posts: 368 Thanked: 55 Times View My Garage	Never argue with senior citizen: An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors; green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and made love with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."

28th June 2007, 11:12	#2024
msdivy Senior - BHPian Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Bangalore Posts: 1,815 Thanked: 2,826 Times	Cumpleet Madical Chek Up

22nd June 2007, 18:39	#2011
Zappo Team-BHP Support Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 5,919 Thanked: 2,652 Times	Two drunks are returning home late at night, marching along the railway tracks. First: Bloody hell. There are just too many stairs here... They should have had a lift. Second: Tell you what, even the hand-rails are too low.

25th June 2007, 16:01	#2015
benbsb29 Team-BHP Support Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Brisbane Posts: 9,963 Thanked: 13,152 Times View My Garage	One from me here: This happened in Jeddah Airport in Saudi Arabia. One Indian passenger named Anantharaman Subbaraman arrived at Jeddah airport. He ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hrs for the authorities to call his name... Finally, he got wild and went to the Saudi authorities and shouted why they haven't called his name yet. They retaliated & claimed that they have been calling him for the last hour and a half ......... and were wondering why he hadn't responded! Why??? think!! give up?? The reason was made clear when the Saudi immigration officer announced his name again on the microphone as : 'Anotherman Superman'

25th June 2007, 23:18	#2016
highwayblaze BHPian Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Chicago/Mumbai/Pune Posts: 771 Thanked: 2 Times View My Garage	Hope its not already posted -: Once two men sat in a bar drinking. The first one said to the other ,"I have a hell lot of family problems." The second one said ,"I'll tell you mine. I married a widow having a young daughter. my father married my daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occured when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems...

26th June 2007, 09:58	#2017
moralfibre Team-BHP Support Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: MH-12 Posts: 8,443 Thanked: 13,956 Times	Funny Jokes, Pictures, Bloopers and More: Innocent English Amazing english!

26th June 2007, 12:41	#2018
manson Team-BHP Support Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Bombay Posts: 3,934 Thanked: 4,169 Times View My Garage	There was once a Gujarati Bhai Patel, owning a shop, living in USA, and he was involved in a car accident. At the hospital, when he awoke, he called for the nurse to find out what had happened to him. I'm very sorry, sir, but you were involved in a very bad car crash. "Car crash! My Corolla!! Is my car all right?" he asked hysterically. "Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of your worries - you lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to save it," she said apologetically. "I lost my arm? My Swiss Watch! My Swiss Watch!!" "Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your worries. You are in a very critical condition, but all your family is here to see you." He asked for his family to be called in. As they gathered around the bed, he called for each of them by name. "Alpa, are you here?" "I am here dear, and I will never leave you", said Mrs. Patel. "Diness, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you." "Kalpess, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you." "Kamless, my son, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you." "Paress, my child, are you here too?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you." "Well" said patel thoughtfully, "Alpa, Diness, Kalpess, Paress and Kamless are here....... and if all of you are here, .............. ....... .............. . ............. THEN WHO THE HELL IS IN THE S(H)OP!!!!!? ???" manson.

27th June 2007, 11:53	#2020
ajitkommini BHPian Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Bangalore Posts: 490 Thanked: 124 Times

27th June 2007, 16:08	#2021
normally_crazy Senior - BHPian Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Mumbai Posts: 4,369 Thanked: 528 Times View My Garage	One day Kuttappan's dad bought a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face. Kuttappan returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, " Son why are you late from school?". Kuttappan answered, "Dad we had extra classes today". Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Kuttappan on his face. His dad told him Mone (son) This robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, " Why are you late?" "Dad I went for a movie", " Which movie?" "The Ten Commandments", Splatt Kuttappan got a tight slap on the face from the robot. " No dad honest I went for the movie Hot Nude Queen." Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things." Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot. Hearing all this, Kuttappans mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying, "Athu pinne enginnenaa, ningalude monealle?" ( After all he is your son, he will be like you), to which the robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Kuttappans mothers face.

27th June 2007, 16:11	#2022
benbsb29 Team-BHP Support Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Brisbane Posts: 9,963 Thanked: 13,152 Times View My Garage	Gautam, nice one..!!! LOL !!! How did u manage the Malayalam part?

27th June 2007, 16:23	#2023
normally_crazy Senior - BHPian Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Mumbai Posts: 4,369 Thanked: 528 Times View My Garage	Hehe - A friend from Kerela forwarded it.

28th June 2007, 11:16	#2025
normally_crazy Senior - BHPian Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Mumbai Posts: 4,369 Thanked: 528 Times View My Garage	msdivy - thats HOWLARIOUS maan. Nice find.