[simply_sunny001]

Santa Singh Driving in US

As Santa Sigh was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife Banto's voice urgently warning him, "Santa, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the freeway. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Santa, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[condor]

@Saketnagpal, pls do search before you post - we do have a huge collection here.

The spielberg one has been done 3 times before:

http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/278157-post1459.html

http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/278157-post1234.html

and IIRC, http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/278157-post1446.html

cheers !

[Sam Kapasi]

[iraghava]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah fantastic one Sam!

[speedzak]

Oh my god!
What happened to your long hair Sam?? Or is it the tatooos!
I see those missing in the pic!

[saketnagpal]

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is
foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a
close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small
wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between
your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber
proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow
like everyone else does."

[saketnagpal]

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one
could go, and he will not return to Earth.

The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he
wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars", he answered,
"because I wish to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same
question.
He asked for two million dollars. "I wish to give a million
to my family," he explained,
"and leave the other million for the advancement of medical
research."
The last applicant was an Indian politician. When asked how
much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear,
"Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?"
the interviewer asked.

The Indian replied, "$1 million is for you, I'll keep $1
million, and
we'll send the American engineer to Mars."

[saketnagpal]

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside
a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists.” An Arab
salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked
where they were from.
"America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.
"She's not from the States."
"Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he
your husband?" "Yes." she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels
for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long
silence.” Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her
husband what took him so long to answer, to which the
husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100
camels back home."

[saketnagpal]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces
height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above
this field."
"You must work in Engineering or Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do," replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically
correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "you must be a Project Manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going,
but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were
before we met, but now it's my fault."

[benbsb29]

LAW OF THE JUNGLE

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger that looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes.

His friend looked at him "Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?"

I don't have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied. "I just have to run faster than you".

[moralfibre]

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and licking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and licked on my index finger..... Now learn to pay attention..."

[speedzak]

Did somebody see this?
Young girl claims she is Kalpana Chawla-India-The Times of India

[anarchist]

While going through various offers on travel to exotic destinations a sardarji housewife calls out to her hubby "Lets try Greece this year"
Our Sardar says "Oiee whats wrong with Vaseline???""

While returing home from work Santa while adjusting his underwear tells Banta "Aaaj ghar jaake Biwi ka underwear utaroonga"
Banta says" Oiee Ki haal hai, masti ke mood me lag raha hai tu ) aish kar"
Santa says "Are nahi paaji, galti se biwi ka chaddi pehneke office agaya aaj tho""

[benbsb29]

(Dont know if this is a repeat, but worth a read)

There was a good old barber in Bangalore . One day a
florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the
barber and the barber replies:
I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am
doing a Community Service.
Florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, there is a "Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his
door.

A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to
pay the barber he again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop.


The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, there is another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.


A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the
barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community
service.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, guess what he finds there......


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A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free
haircut... with Printouts of
Forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut.

[amitoj]

Amitabh - Han han mein chor hun, mein bazar mein kaladhandha karta hun, police ke record mein mera naam hai. Lekin mein akela nahin hun. Jao pahle ush admi ko msg de kar aao jisne mera baap ko chor kaha tha; Jao pahle ush admi ko msg de kar aao jisne meri maa ko gali deke naukri se nikal diya tha; jao pahle ush aadmi ko msg de kar aao jisne mere haath me yeh likh diya tha; Uske BAAD, Uske baad mere bhai tum jab chahoge tab mere m/c mein msg de dena.

Dharmendra - Kutte Kaminey, Agar tuune apni maa ki doodh piya hai to message chodde, warana mein tujhe jinda nahin chodunga.

AJIT's voicemail - Sari duniya mujhe white LION ke naamse janti hai, jabtak tum messages chhodoge hum bharat se bahut dur ja chuke honge, robert helicopter chalu karo !!

Ajit : "Smart move". Phone kiya aapne baaahot aaachha kiya Apka nam chod dijiye aur Mona apka phone louta degi ! Please Hiron ki aawaj sunte hi record karna !

Shatru : jis haram-zade ne call kiya hain ... mein us haram-zade ko zinda nahi chodunga... jaan se maar dunga

Shatru - AAahoy ! Ye Chenu ka answering m/c hai ! Seedhi taraha se message chhod de warna mai teri haddi pasli ek kardunga, ! haaa

Shatru - Apne Mangal ko phone kiya hai, koi phate hue tash ke tirpanve patte ko nahin ! Nam chod dena Ham patta khud jaan lenge !

Raj Kumar : Jaani. Shisheke gharome rahane wale pathar nahi pheka karate.Tum pathar mat pheko message chodo. Hum jara jaldi me hai.

Jaani yeh answering machine koi bacchon ka khel nahi. hum ko mita sake woh tumahre msg mein dum nahi.... hum se hain ye m/c .. m/c se hum nahi....

Pran - PATHAN ki ansering m/c.... HUM tereku bola msg chod de warna hum
pathan ka baccha tumara tangdi tod dega

Prem Chopra - hum woh hain jo shishe ko patthar se katate hain.... aaapke msg ki iit ka jawab patthar se denge.... BTW: Mera Naam hai Pre'm, He he Pre'm Chopra

KESTO - Ihhhiyaa ! saale message Chhod ! nahi to Batli de !! Ihhhiyaa! Jaldi kar HICH ! Apun ko janeka hai Ihhhiyaa ! ! hick! aay . hick! ye ansering hick! machine hick! msg ..

Asrani - AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAA ! Phone kiya ! Tune phone kiya RRRRREEEEEE! Message rakh ! AAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAA !

Asrani -- adhe log 1 press karo.. adhe log 2 press karo... baki msg rakho.hum angrezon ke zamane ke jailar hain hA HAAAAAAA.. msg angrezimeinrakho.. HA HAAAAAAA

BINDU - Mera nam hai shabnam, pyar se log mujhe SHABBO kehate hai...Tumhara naan kya hai !! Tina Mina, Anju, Manju Yaaa Madhuuu.

Shakti - aaauu lalita, Message chhod deee ! warna teri maa ki jaaan....Aaaauu lalita !! mera naam Balma... badriparsad lalanparsadmalapani... balma..Pyarasa... Nanhasa.. Chotasa ....Balmaa. Aur mere kane
Chaku hai?

Mehmood - Kya bula tu. Mereku kya bola tu. Seedhi tarah se message rakhaneko bola ... Aur tum muh pe kuphal daal kai baithta kya

Mehmood2 - ayyo dyevi . tum kitna khoobsoorat msg chchodta ji.. Aum yakdam pagal O jata ji, Aiyo Wanga, Ider Aana, ayyo BinduSSS

Gabbar - soovar ke bachcho . main ghar mein nahi hu. ab tera kya hoga re kalia? raat ko jab tej tej phone ki ghanti bajti hai to maa kehti hai msg chchod beta varna gabbar nahi sunega ... Yaad rahe Yaha se 50 50 mil ki
doori par jab koi baccha rota hai to maa kahati hai "beta so ja nahi togabbar singh ka voice mail Bolega...."

Basanti -yun ki hume jaada bukbuk karne ki aadat to hai nahi . agar mere liye msg hai to 1 dabana. agar mausi ke liye hai to 2 dabana . agar veeru ke liye hai to dono dabana . yun ki hume lamba msg rakhne ki aadat to hai
nahi... agar mere liye msg hai...to 1 dabana.......