The Official Joke thread

condor · 14th July 2010, 22:09

Wife: What are you doing?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing.... ? You' ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband: I was looking for the expiry date.
------------ --------- --------- -

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------

Stress Reliever
Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl : Well that's because we aren't married yet.
------------ --------- ---------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
------------ --------- --------- -

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

aargee · 14th July 2010, 23:35

@Condor - The last 2 ones are absolutely hilarious

; I really laughed out loud. Thanks for the jokes.

prince_pervez · 14th July 2010, 23:43

^^The first 2 were absolute gems.

RajaTaurus · 15th July 2010, 09:41

I luvvved the Second one. What problem can be bigger than this one! I Burst out Laughing.

atrisarkar · 15th July 2010, 14:37

Quote:

Originally Posted by Newpunter

I think I know where this came from. This guy is a designer based in Adelaide and he replies to mails he gets in this manner and posts them on the site. Some of the mail threads are really funny . Check it out here

:

Go Away

This was one hilarious stuff. The permission slip article was too good.

bblost · 15th July 2010, 14:43

The cat thing is simply too good.
I got tears in my eyes from laughing so loud.

Newpunter · 15th July 2010, 14:48

Quote:

Originally Posted by atrisarkar

This was one hilarious stuff. The permission slip article was too good.

I like the one about the Pie Chart. That was the article that introduced me to this ste

.

anilisanil · 15th July 2010, 15:15

OK here is a comment on TOI about the new rupee symbol, look close you would LYAO

He meant to write annals which mean historical writings and ended up writing something else.

Well, once when I was auto checking the spell errors on out look, the spell check program corrected my name "Anil" as "Anal" and I overlooked and sent it, so the whole mail had the signature

With regards,

Anal

SILVERWOOD · 15th July 2010, 15:42

A Soap Misunderstanding

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London
hotel’s staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this
to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
—————————————————————————–
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened
little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the
shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,
S. Berman
—————————————————————————–
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day
off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.
The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your
Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3
bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3
soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy,
Relief Maid
—————————————————————————–
-
–
Dear Maid — I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little
bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3
little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here
in the hotel for two wee ks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won’t
need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when
shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
—————————————————————————–
-
–
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed, so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are
instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on
the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial
in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn’t remove the 3
complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for
all new checkins and which you did not object to when you checked in last
Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
—————————————————————————–
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called
him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have
assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any
past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I
can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
—————————————————————————–
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business
at 745 AM and don’t get back before 530 or 6PM. That’s the reason I called
Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr.
Kensedder if he could do anythin g about those little bars of soap. The new
maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she
left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her
regular delivery of 3 bars on thebath-room shelf. In just 5 day s here I have
accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
—————————————————————————–
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call
extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
—————————————————————————–
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call
the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
—————————————————————————–
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the
inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
—————————————————————————–
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I
want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap
in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size
Dial.
S. Berman
—————————————————————————–
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you
complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally
returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are
supposed to receive daily (s ic). I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere
Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps
so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don’t know where you
got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath
size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
—————————————————————————–
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of
today I possess:
On shelf under medicine cabinet – 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
On Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size
Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist.
On northeast corner of tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On northwest corner of tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly
piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a
tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and
will make an excellen t spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I
have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel
vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman

SILVERWOOD · 15th July 2010, 15:47

An Italian Mother

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner…who lives with a female roommate Maria… During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Anthony’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?
“Well, I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her, just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Momma,
I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the sugar bowl from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response e-mail from his Momma which read:

Dear Son,
I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Momma

Lesson: Never lie to your Momma

Archish · 16th July 2010, 16:36

Some Strips that were email to be by a friend.

BaCkSeAtDrIVeR · 16th July 2010, 20:14

Pray that RMS does not see that "I am Linux" one.

You will be subjected to a "GNU/Linux" vs. "linux" lecture.

BaCkSeAtDrIVeR · 17th July 2010, 00:16

SNAPSHOT-Indian policy highlights on Friday, July 16 | Reuters

Quote:

"We at the Ministry of Finance now compute the core inflation' (that is inflation in all items except food and mineral oils) to get a figure that is comparable to what most industrialised nations report.

Translation -

Quote:

"We have changed the method of computing inflation so that the figures reported are not the actual figures, but similar what the developed nations have".

SRK · 17th July 2010, 14:26

Not really a joke but a situation that happened with me.

I was driving my Dad's Ikon and at a junction I was about to cross when suddenly this guy in an Esteem comes at full speed and brakes hard in front of me. There was ample space for him to go by but he stopped there.

Next thing he does is, rolls downs his windows and points towards his head and says "Tere paas Hai kya"? (do you have it) I don't answer him.
Next thing he said was "SETH ka gaadi hai na? Bol Seth ka hai na?" (Your Boss's car na?)

I so wanted to answer " Nahi Baap ka hai" (No, its my Father's) but didn't.

This got me thinking how do you distinguish between a driver and an owner?
I don't mind if people call me a driver or mechanic until I get to drive.
Have you ever faced a similar situation?

sidindica · 17th July 2010, 14:32

Sorry and apologies to anyone if anything offensive. Was doing both things at the same time.

YouTube - TV.wmv

14th July 2010, 22:09	#4216
condor Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Speed-brkr City Posts: 15,862 Thanked: 16,006 Times View My Garage	Shaadi mein .. Wife: What are you doing? Husband: Nothing. Wife: Nothing.... ? You' ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour. Husband: I was looking for the expiry date. ------------ --------- --------- - Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why? Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one? ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------- Stress Reliever Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles. Girl : Well that's because we aren't married yet. ------------ --------- --------- Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.' ------------ --------- --------- - A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

15th July 2010, 15:15	#4223
anilisanil Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Pune Posts: 1,420 Thanked: 291 Times	OK here is a comment on TOI about the new rupee symbol, look close you would LYAO He meant to write annals which mean historical writings and ended up writing something else. Well, once when I was auto checking the spell errors on out look, the spell check program corrected my name "Anil" as "Anal" and I overlooked and sent it, so the whole mail had the signature With regards, Anal Last edited by anilisanil : 15th July 2010 at 15:17.

16th July 2010, 16:36	#4226
Archish BHPian Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chennai Posts: 319 Thanked: 108 Times	Some Strips that were email to be by a friend. Attached Thumbnails

16th July 2010, 20:14	#4227
BaCkSeAtDrIVeR BANNED Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Kochi Posts: 2,522 Thanked: 752 Times	Pray that RMS does not see that "I am Linux" one. You will be subjected to a "GNU/Linux" vs. "linux" lecture. Last edited by BaCkSeAtDrIVeR : 16th July 2010 at 20:17.

14th July 2010, 23:35	#4217
aargee Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: TSTN Posts: 6,233 Thanked: 9,615 Times	@Condor - The last 2 ones are absolutely hilarious ; I really laughed out loud. Thanks for the jokes.

14th July 2010, 23:43	#4218
prince_pervez Senior - BHPian Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Redwood shores, CA, USA Posts: 4,210 Thanked: 51 Times View My Garage	^^The first 2 were absolute gems.

15th July 2010, 09:41	#4219
RajaTaurus Senior - BHPian Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Tenkasi, TN Posts: 1,119 Thanked: 473 Times View My Garage	I luvvved the Second one. What problem can be bigger than this one! I Burst out Laughing.

15th July 2010, 14:43	#4221
bblost Team-BHP Support Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 11,000 Thanked: 15,305 Times View My Garage	The cat thing is simply too good. I got tears in my eyes from laughing so loud.

15th July 2010, 15:42	#4224
SILVERWOOD Senior - BHPian Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: BANG-A-LURE. Posts: 1,197 Thanked: 4,657 Times	A Soap Misunderstanding Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel’s staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned. —————————————————————————– Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman —————————————————————————– Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid —————————————————————————– - – Dear Maid — I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two wee ks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won’t need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman —————————————————————————– - – Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed, so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn’t remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new checkins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty —————————————————————————– Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper —————————————————————————– Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don’t get back before 530 or 6PM. That’s the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anythin g about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on thebath-room shelf. In just 5 day s here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman —————————————————————————– Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper —————————————————————————– Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman —————————————————————————– Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager —————————————————————————– Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman —————————————————————————– Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (s ic). I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper —————————————————————————– Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: On shelf under medicine cabinet – 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. On Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. On bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. Inside medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. In shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist. On northeast corner of tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. On northwest corner of tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellen t spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman

15th July 2010, 15:47	#4225
SILVERWOOD Senior - BHPian Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: BANG-A-LURE. Posts: 1,197 Thanked: 4,657 Times	An Italian Mother Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner…who lives with a female roommate Maria… During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Anthony’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.” About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you? “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her, just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote: Dear Momma, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the sugar bowl from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response e-mail from his Momma which read: Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Momma Lesson: Never lie to your Momma

17th July 2010, 14:26	#4229
SRK Senior - BHPian Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Mumbai Posts: 1,201 Thanked: 524 Times	Not really a joke but a situation that happened with me. I was driving my Dad's Ikon and at a junction I was about to cross when suddenly this guy in an Esteem comes at full speed and brakes hard in front of me. There was ample space for him to go by but he stopped there. Next thing he does is, rolls downs his windows and points towards his head and says "Tere paas Hai kya"? (do you have it) I don't answer him. Next thing he said was "SETH ka gaadi hai na? Bol Seth ka hai na?" (Your Boss's car na?) I so wanted to answer " Nahi Baap ka hai" (No, its my Father's) but didn't. This got me thinking how do you distinguish between a driver and an owner? I don't mind if people call me a driver or mechanic until I get to drive. Have you ever faced a similar situation?

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