[Dyslexic_Typist]

According to the story, after every Qantas Airlines flight the pilots complete a a 'gripe sheet' report, which conveys to the ground crew engineers any mechanical problems on the aircraft during the flight. The engineer reads the form, corrects the problem, then writes details of action taken on the lower section of the form for the pilot to review before the next flight. It is clear from the examples below that ground crew engineers have a keen sense of humour - these are supposedly real extracts from gripe forms completed by pilots with the solution responses by the engineers. Incidentally, Qantas has the best safety record of all the world's major airlines.
(1 = The problem logged by the pilot.) (2 = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

1. Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
2. Almost replaced left inside main tire.

1. Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
2. Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

1. Something loose in cockpit.
2. Something tightened in cockpit.

1. Dead bugs on windshield.
2. Live bugs on back-order.

1. Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
2. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

1. Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
2. Evidence removed.

1. DME volume unbelievably loud.
2. DME volume set to more believable level.

1. Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
2. That's what they're there for.

1. IFF inoperative.
2. IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

1. Suspected crack in windshield.
2. Suspect you're right.

1. Number 3 engine missing.
2. Engine found on right wing after brief search.

1. Aircraft handles funny.
2. Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

1. Target radar hums.
2. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

1. Mouse in cockpit.
2. Cat installed.

1. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
2. Took hammer away from midget.

[ajmat]

Originally Posted by Sam Kapasi

Titty??? Titty????? HAHAHAHAHA Bet no man would want to give his daughter that name. Or worse, his son.

.

I know a lady of that name whose husband was the chairman of a famous german chemical company. I doubt she used that name in front of eminent guests. We, youngsters went off in peals of laughter, non verbally expressing her name!!

[revtech]

Jake was on his deathbed while his wife, Becky, maintained a steady vigil by his side. As she held his fragile hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to quiver with sound.

"My darling Becky," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep Shhh! Don't talk."

But he was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend and our next door neighbor."

Becky mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Jake, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"


Rev

[v1p3r]

Just FYI, (dunno if it's true), in Rainman, Hoffman mentions Qantas is the only major airline to never have had a crash!

[sanket12]

Mens Thesaurus

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim
by in
complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing.
It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD." Means: "I can't hear the
game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F
Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle
identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your
birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Means: "The
girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have
actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am
hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I
think of some pretty good reasons soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said,
and I am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you
don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Means: "I am used to the way
you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm
starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever
see us alive again."

[Sam Kapasi]

Originally Posted by satan_crazy

we had a guy called titty in our office

NO WAY!
hahahah NO WAY!!!

[jkdas]

Dyslexic_Typist that aircraft one was nice

[Dyslexic_Typist]

A sales-woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitch-hiking. Being a kindly soul, the sales-woman stops the car and invites the Navajo woman to climb in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown paper bag on the front seat between them. "If you are wondering what's in the bag," offers the sales-woman, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times, and says........
"Good trade."
(ack. C Byrd)

[iraghava]

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"



From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm ****ing
bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was ****ing bored, not ****ing stupid!


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this - I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."



A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany, Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern - we've already notified our caterers."



One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."



The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, - and I didn't land."


While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.


Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engagingthe irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[revtech]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."


"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"


St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his
entire life."


"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


Rev

[Dyslexic_Typist]

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I
just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in
an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry
about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your
neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you;
would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times
- Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you
out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this
world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never
get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when
you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come
running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow
up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out
just like you!"

[revtech]

A man and wife entered a dentist's office.

The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."


Rev

[n_aditya]

Originally Posted by anoops

anybody here intrested in tattoos or have any on themselves???

I've got 2 tattoos. Pink Floyd Pulse album cover photo on my arm and a tribal design on my other arm from elbow to shoulder.

[Sam Kapasi]

Originally Posted by n_aditya

I've got 2 tattoos. Pink Floyd Pulse album cover photo on my arm and a tribal design on my other arm from elbow to shoulder.

Umm... I have a heavily tattooed leg. How is that supposed to be funny and if not, what's it doing in the Joke thread?

[n_aditya]

Originally Posted by Sam Kapasi

Umm... I have a heavily tattooed leg. How is that supposed to be funny and if not, what's it doing in the Joke thread?

pls see the original post.... by anoops.... no harm in replying huh? yeah and there IS no joke in it.... except that ur leg is heavily tattooed.... thats the joke...

hehehe