Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

Quote:

Originally Posted by raihan

I saw this one in the times auto section in bangalore yesterday in the "My Drive" section
This Qn was asked to a kananda actor dont remember the morons name.

Qn: have u been in any car accidents??
Now what would a sane person say?? yes/no or am v careful hence no accidents till now but wait .........see what this moron had to say.

An:" I know a car engine so well so I don't need the clutch to change hears!! " lol:
Rai

Hillllarious piece of crap ive heard in years.....I just left my stomach alone!!!!was holding it all this while rl: rl: rl:

Im sure Im gonna be a victim of death by excessive laughter!!!!!

Terribly casteist but at Anoops request, here goes.....

U have to think twice b4 committing to a North IndianGirl

1. At the time of marriage, a north Indian girl has more boyfriends than her age

2. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.

3. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to movie theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.

4. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala,aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.

5. The only growth that you see later in your career is the rise in your monthly phone bill.

6. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde. Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that she applies to cover her gray hair.

7. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki saas bi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or cooking yourself.

8. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.

9. She always thought that Madrasis a state and covers the whole of south India until she met you.

10. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to "walk out"

11. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you have in your home town.

12. The only two sentences in English that she knows are "Thank you" and "How are you"

13. She thinks Govinda can dance better than Michael Jackson.

******WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL-FRIEND***********

Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or Madras /Anna University.

Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..."

She shudders if you use four letter words.

She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil Well Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract coconut oil from her hair.)

She uses the word 'Super' as her only superlative.

Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.

Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)

When she mixes milk and rice you are never sure whether it is for the Dog or for herself.

For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable while you are melting in your singlet.

She thinks Mohan Lal is the sexiest man alive.

Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.

Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation')

She bursts into songs with her cousins in every movie.

She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is based on.

You have to give her jewellery, though she has already got plenty of it..

Her thali (Mangal Sutra) weighs more than the championship belts worn by WWF wrestlers.

She is more educated than you.

Her father thinks she is much smarter than you...

> "Do not shout please. This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I
am
St.
> Peter, and you are in heaven."
>
> "WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too
young."
> said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
>
> "It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or
a
hen.
> You can choose on your own..."
>
> Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog
is
too
> tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running
around
with
> a rooster can't be that bad.
>
> "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.
>
> And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really
nicely
> feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna
> blow........then along came the rooster.
>
> "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it
feel?"
>
> "Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
>
> "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on.
>
> Have you never laid an egg before??"
>
> "No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
>
> "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
>
> Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'Plop'
>
> and an egg was on the ground.
>
> "Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and
>
> squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg
>
> on the ground.
>
> The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
>
> "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're ****ting all over the bed!"
>
>

ITS SOMETHING ABOUT THE TIME WHEN SADDAM HUSSIAN USED TO RULE OVER IRAQ BEFORE HE WAS CAUGHT BY THE UNCLE SAM.

ONE DAY ONE Mr. GURMUKH RANG HIM UP AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED ............

SADDAM HUSSEIN WAS SITTING IN HIS OFFICE WONDERING WHOM TO INVADE NEXTWHEN IS TELEPHONE RANG.

"HALLO, MR. HUSSEIN!" A HEAVILY ACCENTED VOICE SAID. "THIS IS GURMUKH FROM BANGA, DISTRICT HOSHIARPUR, PUNJAB. I AM RINGING
TO INFORM YOU THAT WE ARE OFFICIALLY DECLARING WAR ON YOU!"

"WELL, GURMUKH," SADDAM REPLIED, "THIS IS INDEED IMPORTANT NEWS!
HOW BIG IS YOUR ARMY?"

"RIGHT NOW," SAID GURMUKH, AFTER A MOMENT'S CALCULATION, "THERE IS
MYSELF, MY COUSIN SUKHDEV, MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR BHAGAT, AND THE ENTIRE KABADI TEAM FROM THE GURUDWARA. THAT MAKES EIGHT"

SADDAM PAUSED. "I MUST TELL YOU, GURMUKH THAT I HAVE ONE MILLION
MEN IN MY ARMY WAITING TO MOVE ON MY COMMAND."

"BLOODY HELL" SAID GURMUKH. "I'LL HAVE TO RING YOU BACK!"

SURE ENOUGH, THE NEXT DAY, GURMUKH CALLED AGAIN. "MR. HUSSEIN, IT IS GURMUKH, I'M CALLING FROM BANGA STD, THE WAR IS STILL ON! WE HAVE MANAGED TO ACQUIRE SOME INFANTRY EQUIPMENT!"

"AND WHAT EQUIPMENT WOULD THAT BE, GURMUKH?" SADDAM ASKED.

"WELL, WE HAVE TWO COMBINES, A DONKEY AND AMRIK'S TRACTOR."

SADDAM SIGHED. "I MUST TELL YOU, GURMUKH, THAT I HAVE 16,000 TANKS
AND 14,000 ARMOURED PERSONNEL CARRIERS. ALSO, I'VE INCREASED MY ARMY TO 1.5 MILLION SINCE WE LAST SPOKE."

"OH TERI ....." SAID GURMUKH. "I'LL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU."

SURE ENOUGH, GURMUKH RANG AGAIN THE NEXT DAY. "MR. HUSSEIN, THE WAR IS STILL ON! WE HAVE MANAGED TO GET OURSELVES AIRBORNE. WE'VE MODIFIED AMRIK'S TRACTOR BY ADDING A COUPLE OF SHOTGUNS, STICKING ON SOME WINGS AND THE PIND'S GENERATOR. FOUR BOYS FROM MALPUR HAVE JOINED US AS WELL!"

SADDAM WAS SILENT FOR A MINUTE AND THEN CLEARED HIS THROAT. "I MUST TELL YOU, GURMUKH, THAT I HAVE 10,000 BOMBERS AND 20,000 FIGHTER PLANES.

MY MILITARY COMPLEX IS SURROUNDED BY LASER-GUIDED, SURFACE-TO-AIR
MISSILE SITES. AND SINCE WE LAST SPOKE, I'VE INCREASED MY ARMY TO TWO MILLION!"

"TERI TO..." SAID GURMUK, "I'LL HAVE TO RING YOU BACK."

SURE ENOUGH, GURMUKH CALLED AGAIN THE NEXT DAY. "KIDDAN, MR.
HUSSEIN! I AM SORRY TO TELL YOU THAT WE HAVE HAD TO CALL OFF THE WAR."

"I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT," SAID SADDAM. "WHY THE SUDDEN CHANGE OF
HEART?"

"WELL," SAID GURMUKH, "WE'VE ALL HAD A LONG CHAT OVER A COUPLE OF
BOTTLES, AND DECIDED THERE'S NO WAY WE CAN FEED TWO MILLION PRISONERS."

Quote:

Originally Posted by raihan

hey Vin,
I don't remember his name but he I could look it up if u really wanna know his name? But I guess we can safely call him a moron lol:
By the way I was wondering why most kannada actors behave like morons? cause of their ridiculous dressing, hairstyles etc.... & when they open thier mouths u can surely have a good laugh. :p
what say??
cheers,
Rai

agree:

Ya, somehow i dont find any good kannada actors.. Seriously, name one person who is good.. May be Raj kumar, Vishnuvardhan, Ananth Nag and may be a couple more.. The rest, especially the present brigade is all crap.. Not a single one!!

Dont know if you guys feel the same about the malayali actors.. But we sure have real good talent...

No wonder the kannada film industry is doing bad!!

[P.S: No offense intended, please take it sportively]

dudes.. do read this its gud... Old Jokes probably !!

The Prime Minister of China called President Bush to
console him after the attack on the Pentagon:

" I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big
tragedy.

But in case you are missing any documents from the
Pentagon, we have copies of everything."

================================================== ==============

Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:

Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my
condolences to you.

It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great
bldgs...

I would like to ensure that we had nothing in
connection with that........

Bush: What buildings? What people??

Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?

Bush: It's eight in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!

================================================== ==============

Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks
in and asks the

barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"

The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks
over and says,

"Hello, what are you guys doing?"

Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14
million

Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"

Vajpayee turns to Bush and says,

"See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14
million Pakistanis!"

================================================== ==============

Pakistani on the moon:

Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q:What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?

A: ..... Problem Solved on the earth!!!!

:)

_rG.

The following is an actual question on a University of Washington chemistry paper. The answer was so profound that the professor marking the paper decided to share it with colleagues via the internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of reading it as well.

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyles's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed), or some variation on this theme.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. Thus, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the World today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls to increase exponentially.

Now we must look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle' s Law states that in order for the temperature in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a faster rate than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being. This explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God, oh my god"

The student received the only A grade awarded.

A Dictionary of Male Speech Patterns

What he says - the lie: "I can't find it"

What he means - the truth: "I can't see it, it didn't fall into my
hands, so it must not exist"

What he says - the lie: "It's a guy thing"

What he means - the truth: "There's no rational thought pattern
connected with it. It also explains my unjustifiable behaviour"

What he says - the lie: "Can I help with dinner?"

What he means - the truth: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

What he says - the lie: "I'm getting more exercise lately"

What he means - the truth: "The batteries in the remote (for TV) are
dead"

What he says - the lie: "We're going to be late"

What he means - the truth: "I have a legitimate reason for driving
like a maniac"

What he says - the lie: "Take a break honey, you're working too hard"

What he means - the truth: "I can't hear the television over the
vacuum cleaner"

What he says - the lie: "That's interesting darling"

What he means - the truth: "Are you still talking?"

What he says - the lie: "We don't need material things to prove our
love"

What he means - the truth: "I forgot our anniversary again"

What he says - the lie: "It's really a good movie"

What he means - the truth: "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and
naked women"

What he says - the lie: "You know how bad my memory is"

What he means - the truth: "I remember the words to the theme song of
Gilligan's Island, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the
registration number of every car I've owned, but I forgot your
birthday"

What he says - the lie: "I was just thinking about you and got you
these roses"

What he means - the truth: "The girl selling them on the corner was a
real babe with great curves; I wanted to take a close up"

What he says - the lie: "Call an ambulance! I think I'm dying!"

What he means - the truth: "I cut my finger"

What he says - the lie: "I heard you"

What he means - the truth: "I haven't the faintest idea what you just
said, but you can stop talking now."

What he says - the lie: "You really look terrific on that outfit"

What he means - the truth: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm
starving"

What he says - the lie: "I missed you"

What he means - the truth: "I can't find my socks, the kids are
hungry, and we're out of toilet paper"

What he says - the lie: "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are"

What he means - the truth: "No one will ever see us alive again"

What he says - the lie: "Nice dress"

What he means - the truth: "Nice *******"

What he says - the lie: "I do help around the house"

What he means - the truth: "I once threw a dirty towelnear the
laundry basket"

What he says - the lie: "She's one of those militant, feminist
lesbians"

What he means - the truth: "She refused to have *** with me"