|3rd March 2005, 17:37||#107|
Join Date: Mar 2005
Thanked: 0 Times
So finally we also get a DICTIONARY ...... tellin us what u guys say and what u really mean .... Thas soo cool isnt it Shubbhi????
Well this is cool......
Last edited by Rtech : 4th March 2005 at 16:51.
|3rd March 2005, 19:33||#108|
Join Date: Feb 2004
Thanked: 15,686 Times
Great joke Tabrez!
|4th March 2005, 12:00||#110|
Join Date: Nov 2004
Thanked: 2 Times
She could have just quoted his name and posted comments...
A time when real estate prices is on the high, she should have taken care of these stuff... LOL.
But that was a neat one tabrez.....
|4th March 2005, 17:02||#112|
Join Date: Nov 2004
Thanked: 2 Times
Cyber Age Movie Story
Hero is a software engineer. He does not have a life worth speaking of. He
spends eighteen hours a day in the office working and browsing the net.
Heroine is a software engineer in the same company. She does not have a
life either. She spends eight hours in front of her PC, thirteen hours in
front of the TV and the remaining, sleeping.
One day, Hero meets Heroine in a staff meeting. They argue endlessly about
the insanity of Microsoft applications.. especially Outlook
Couple of such fights later, Heroine is found drinking coffee with Hero in
"What is life?" asks the Hero looking at the vacuum right above her head.
"I've been wondering too." sighs the heroine.
"Why are we fighting over Outlook 2003?" Hero drinks his black coffee.
"And why are we not talking about Lotus NOtes" Heroine sips her Latte.
Hero shakes his head. "It's not about software products. It is about life.
I guess life is much bigger than OUtlook 2003."
Heroine nods. "I think it is. I am not sure though. Do you know that
Microsoft has come up with a fix to that bug you've been using to
prove Outlook is a worthless piece of garbage?"
"Heroine," Hero is now determined, "From this moment onwards, I am not
discussing anything remotely related to software."
"Fine Hero," says Heroine, "Good bye then."
Hero then returns all the Sybase manuals to the library and rents out "how
to live a life?"
Heroine meanwhile gets into an altercation with the villain during a
conversation on Sharepoint server. Villain vows to format the hard disk of
the heroine. Heroine takes her PC and runs away from the
cubicle trying to escape from the villain's evil intentions. Since it is
night shift, no one comes to her rescue.
Hero, who has been reading "how to live a life" very seriously,
suddenly finds out that he loves the heroine as much as he used to love
So hero messages Heroine on Yahoo Instant messenger. But there is no
reply. Hero does not understand it. He knows that the heroine is
supposed to be in night shift. What is she doing in Night shift if not on
Yahoo Instant Messenger? As far as he know that is what people are
supposed to do in night shift.
Hero senses trouble. He runs barefooted on the Information
Superhighway and reaches office just in time to see the villain snatch the
PC out of heroine's hands and type the command "Format C:\". When his
fingers get to the "Enter" key, hero delivers the killer punch on
villain's face. Villain is thrown back. But in the process he manages to
press the Enter key...
The world comes to a standstill. The sky roars. The Rain pours.
Heroine breaks down. Villain is on cloud nine. But our Hero isn't sad. He
is smiling. Villain cannot understand. Hero then says, "Villain, You
should learn DOS properly. Your grave mistake...". He shows the monitor to
Villain. The DOS command prompt says "Are you sure?". It is waiting for a
"Y" to commence the formatting operation. Hero then
simply presses "N".
Villain cries in frustration "Nooooooo" and charges like a bull. Then
follows a lengthy fight. Heroine meanwhile calls the police and they come
right after hero beats the villain to pulp. Without asking any questions,
the police understand who is hero and who is villain and take him into
custody. Heroine, tears in her eyes, takes her PC,
switches it on and jumps with joy when she finds her favorite Calvin and
Hobbs collection in tact in her C drive.
"You saved my data" she exclaims.
"No, you saved it yourself." hero says.
"No.. Jesus saves. I don't" she cries.
"Nothing happened na." Hero consoles.
"Let us get married" heroine sheds some more tears, "I want someone by my
side to protect the Calvin and Hobbs collection on my PC".
"I love you Heroine" says the hero.
"I love you Hero" says the heroine.
"So you agree that Outlook 2003 is a bad product".
"No I don't. Why not we talk about Lotus nOtes?"
|4th March 2005, 17:05||#113|
Join Date: Nov 2004
Thanked: 2 Times
"Have you heard about the object-oriennted way to become wealthy?" - "No..."
The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you
see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about
warnings, we only worry about errors."
In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.
C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree
object to tie it to.
With C you can shoot yourself in the leg. With C++ you can reuse the bullet.
A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake
without ketchup and mustard.
PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or
Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
Because it is below C level.
Software Development Cycle
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...
A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for a
living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had
said and demanded an explanation. Billy's dad said, "I'm actually a system
programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems.
How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Unix is user friendly. It's just very particular about who it's friends are.
CIA - Computer Industry Acronyms
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can't See It
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS: Defunct Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP: Plug and Pray
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
CA: Constant Acquisitions
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
|12th March 2005, 13:00||#114|
Senior - BHPian
Join Date: Feb 2004
Thanked: 404 Times
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: Five percent said it was to get a glass of water. Twelve percent said it was to go to the bathroom. Eighty-three percent said it was to go home.
|18th March 2005, 14:07||#115|
Join Date: Jun 2004
Thanked: 2 Times
How to identify cities in India?
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and
they start arguing about who's right.
You are in Kolkata
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and
walks on. That's Mumbai
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make
peace. The first two get together & beat him up.
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along
and quietly opens a chai-stall
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes he writes a software
program to stop the fight.
But the fight doesn't stop b'cos of a bug in the program.
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes and
quietly says that "ANNA" doesn't like all this nonsense. Peace comes
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their
friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting. You are
DEFINITELY IN PUNJAB
|18th March 2005, 15:10||#116|
Join Date: Jun 2004
Thanked: 2 Times
Inflight Coffee !
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but
while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
front of my pants!"
A female passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see
the back of mine!"
There's no SANTA CLAUS !
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 1) in the world.BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's atleast one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.
On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Liner "Queen Elizabeth 2".
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.
Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.In conclusion -
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
This inquiry is based on the premise that there is only one SantaClaus.
The calculations work out more realistically if you assume some form of parallel processing. A thousand Santas (1 kilosanta) or a million (a megasanta) or more, working in parallel, could perform the same number of visits in the same allotted time with less advanced technology (and fewer vaporized reindeer).
Who does the air traffic control for a megasanta? A million sleighs and 12 million reindeer occupy a significant amount of airspace.
If we assume that each reindeer team, sleigh and Santa needs no more than 5 feet of vertical airspace (which, given that known species of reindeer with antlers are quite nearly five feet tall, leaves very little room for error), then a megasanta requires almost 947 miles of vertical airspace. This also disregards the fact that each Santa must make frequent landings.
The airspace at chimney level will be in high demand and disproportionately crowded, particularly as Christmas-celebrating households tend to be densely clustered in the same geographic areas. It seems likely that a megasanta, while perhaps avoiding vaporized reindeer, would suffer huge casualties from mid-air collisions.
So there you have it.
|18th March 2005, 15:12||#117|
Join Date: Jun 2004
Thanked: 2 Times
Airline Anecdotes !
Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not
remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!"
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your
seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of
a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
|19th March 2005, 02:24||#118|
Join Date: Feb 2004
Thanked: 26,368 Times
Hahaha...nice on Arjit,
Believe it or not i was on a SouthWest airlines flight to Long Island on which the stewardess said a lot of the stuff listed above and more! It was definitely the most entertaining announcement i have ever heard on an airplane and i couldnt really believe she announced some of the things she did!
|22nd March 2005, 20:14||#119|
Join Date: Sep 2004
This one's car related
A lady walks into a Ferrari dealership and browses. Suddenly she spots the
most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends
forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart
escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if
anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
But, as she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a
pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing
had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the price of this
Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say
if you farted just touching it, you are gonna **** when you hear the
|22nd March 2005, 22:04||#120|
Join Date: Sep 2004
This one's my all time Favourite!!!!
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur
Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "since you've been such a good
man and your motorcycles have changed the world,your reward is, you
can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.
"Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented Harley motorcycles, eh?!"
Arthur said, "Ya, that's me..."
God commented, "Well, whats the big deal about inventing something
that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run
without a road!"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, Excuse me but
aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Ah, yes." Well said Arthur, "professional to professional,
you have some major design flaws in your invention. "
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours."
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|Time for a Holiday Joke?||Steeroid||Shifting gears||9||24th December 2005 20:51|
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