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Old 24th November 2022, 17:01   #46
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Re: The Midlife Crisis Thread

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Originally Posted by Gildarts View Post
I'm 35 and I have been stuck in a midlife crisis for a couple of years now. I'm in a PSU and earn considerably. But my career is going nowhere and the work is monotonous. With 2 kids at home (one of them is my wife BTW), I'm engaged full time. Absolutely no time for any kind of Hobbies. No F1, No EPL, No MotoGP, No Tennis, No Novels. Only thing keeping me going is the expectation of getting a respite after a few years when I can get my kid hooked to her mother to keep her off me. Sorry for the rant.
Anybody here gone through similar scenerio? How did you handle this?
I can very well empathize, some options I could think off

Check with your employer if you can get a temporary posting to another location where you could spend the much needed time alone, the choice can be a town which your wife may not prefer to join you in.

Or perhaps find a good school for the kid in your native (assuming you are not in your native presently and relocate your wife and kid there citing good education, its a strong argument and you can visit on weekends).

Become religious and go on a pilgrimage, am sure family won't object and you will get your time.

Its important everyone gets their "me time" otherwise it will lead to other issues. Wishing you the best
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Old 25th November 2022, 09:30   #47
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Re: The Midlife Crisis Thread

I think majority of our depression comes from ambitions. There're two ways we actually go about it:
1. Ambitions get fulfilled but you start missing the basics of life.
2. Ambitions not getting fulfilled.

Can we maintain a balance? Can we fulfill ambitions while still having enough of family and fun time?
I'm 35, in a small city right now (previously, I've lived in Bangalore, Delhi as a child), doing a small time job as a college professor, married for some 6 years now, a 14 minute highway commute on Duke 390 everyday, 8 hour job, still in touch with my friends on real life basis on Sundays (not just online), still live in my parents' house, on their wish, and I can still fairly say that I'm happy with life.

So far even married life is treating me great. I think a marriage in the around early 30's was a good decision even if it was just a coincidence of life, and not a conscious decision.

But still, ambitions rule on my side of thoughts. I would love to have enough money to have a hypernaked bike, targeting a KTM SD1290R for now. But still nowhere close to enough money, I'll have to resort to ancestral wealth if at all it launches.
So, these ambtions do get the best of me. Even my Duke 390 (1.98 Lakhs on road in 2013) was partially funded by parents. Sad.
A car and a house, well this is something we already have as a family. Dad got a Tato Nano (ok, no laughing please, I'm not a cager, more of a biker).

At a salary of Rs. 19000/month, I'm definitely happy with life, but not even close to being successful or even completely independent. And in educational sector, there's hardly suffcient growth in small cities, unless you leave your parents and move out of course.
I guess there's no such thing as a perfect life. I just read many of your posts here, most of you seem to be from big cities.

And they all seem to echo one thing- there's no escaping from your fair share of boons and banes. Maybe we'll just count our blessings then?

Last edited by Samarth 619 : 25th November 2022 at 09:36.
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Old 25th November 2022, 10:09   #48
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Re: The Midlife Crisis Thread

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Originally Posted by Samarth 619 View Post
I think majority of our depression comes from ambitions. There're two ways we actually go about it:
1. Ambitions get fulfilled but you start missing the basics of life.
2. Ambitions not getting fulfilled.

Can we maintain a balance? Can we fulfill ambitions while still having enough of family and fun time?
I'm 35, in a small city right now (previously, I've lived in Bangalore, Delhi as a child), doing a small time job as a college professor, married for some 6 years now, a 14 minute highway commute on Duke 390 everyday, 8 hour job, still in touch with my friends on real life basis on Sundays (not just online), still live in my parents' house, on their wish, and I can still fairly say that I'm happy with life.

So far even married life is treating me great. I think a marriage in the around early 30's was a good decision even if it was just a coincidence of life, and not a conscious decision.

But still, ambitions rule on my side of thoughts. I would love to have enough money to have a hypernaked bike, targeting a KTM SD1290R for now. But still nowhere close to enough money, I'll have to resort to ancestral wealth if at all it launches.
So, these ambtions do get the best of me. Even my Duke 390 (1.98 Lakhs on road in 2013) was partially funded by parents. Sad.
A car and a house, well this is something we already have as a family. Dad got a Tato Nano (ok, no laughing please, I'm not a cager, more of a biker).

At a salary of Rs. 19000/month, I'm definitely happy with life, but not even close to being successful or even completely independent. And in educational sector, there's hardly suffcient growth in small cities, unless you leave your parents and move out of course.
I guess there's no such thing as a perfect life. I just read many of your posts here, most of you seem to be from big cities.

And they all seem to echo one thing- there's no escaping from your fair share of boons and banes. Maybe we'll just count our blessings then?
You are already quite self-aware and this is a very thoughtful post, so just a couple of things to add:
  • Often salary has nothing to do with value delivered and it most certainly has nothing to with the sense of worth of a person. Even those aware of this at times tend to conflate these, we need to be vigilant and avoid this.
  • There is this concept of thin desire and thick desire, thin desire is what we are externally (society, friends, family, marketing, etc.) influenced to want, and thick desire is what we really want. Life is too short to waste on the thin desires, best to focus on the thick desires without worrying about failure and giving it our best shot.
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Old 25th November 2022, 11:43   #49
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Re: The Midlife Crisis Thread

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Originally Posted by Samarth 619 View Post
I think majority of our depression comes from ambitions. There're two ways we actually go about it:
1. Ambitions get fulfilled but you start missing the basics of life.
2. Ambitions not getting fulfilled.
Ambitions are good. They keep you motivated and help you move on in life. Without ambitions we will run around aimlessly. Depressions are completely different and they cannot be related to fulfilling of ambitions. There is a separate thread where it is being discussed

I tend to believe that our ambitions tends to peak with age and career growth and then attains a plateau and then it stagnates. And there is nothing wrong with it. Do we miss out on basics of life due to our ambitions. Yes we do and that is a decision that we take. It is a Judgement call for a lot of us. For e.g. some of us have ambitions of working abroad or being our own master and because of this, we end up missing certain things in life. Are they relevant. For most part, i would say yes to this, but with a caveat that what is relevant then might not be today.

You say that you are hardly successful. I would suggest your measure of success needs to be changed. If success = money at hand to reach your materialistic ambitions, then none of us are successful. On the other hand, i would say you are probably more successful that a lot of us. You, my friend are shaping the minds of future Indians and that is a BIG step on the success ladder. When my missus started her business, she had a lot of challenges and success evaded her. After 6+ years, she has started making a bit of profit. And every time she feels a bit down, i keep telling her that keeping aside the profit, look at the fact that you are helping over 50 families meet their life's ambition. That is the measure of success. It may sound philosophical, but if you have been able to effect a positive change in 1 person, that is success.

If you look around you, you might see a multitude of successful people. But little do we know their complete story. So measure your success with your own scale rather than what society throws down upon us.

Last edited by Rudra Sen : 15th June 2023 at 08:53. Reason: quote content trimmed and typo edited
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Old 25th November 2022, 14:36   #50
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Re: The Midlife Crisis Thread

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Originally Posted by noopster View Post
Get rid of excess baggage. Declutter your house every year. Hang out with people who make you better and ditch the ones you have outgrown. Believe me, it's a damn relief! The great thing about being in your 40s is that you owe zero eff's to the world. Stop focusing on keeping up appearances and follow your heart. There are so many things wrong with our world but if we can find one small corner of it to take up as a project and leave in a better shape than we found it, then our life gets more meaning. This will also relieve you of the burden of conforming, and put you in touch with like-minded people.

Decide what is important to you as a person and focus on that. At the end of the day, contentment may well be an elusive goal but if you're reasonably happy most of the time, that's something.
Exactly my thoughts, though in a slightly abstract sense. And these came about after I read a passage from "Three Men in a Boat".


The Midlife Crisis Thread-img20221123wa00112.jpg

The Midlife Crisis Thread-img20221123wa00132.jpg



First published in 1889, the book even today manages to tickle one pink ! In the book, one comes across wisdom about life strewn in between witty and eminently readable prose. The book talks, sometimes in an abstract yet relatable sense about things that were true then, and remain true to this day ! Perhaps there's a lesson in there somewhere for those amongst us staring at a midlife crisis in the face.

Cheers !

Last edited by Ironhide : 25th November 2022 at 14:42.
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Old 25th November 2022, 19:50   #51
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Re: The Midlife Crisis Thread

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Originally Posted by subraiyr View Post
Ambitions are good. They keep you motivated and help you move on in life. Without ambitions we will run around aimlessly. Depressions are completely different and they cannot be related to fulfilling of ambitions. There is a separate thread where it is being discussed
........... might see a multitude of successful people. But little do we know their complete story. So measure your success with your own scale rather than what society throws down upon us.
The reason why I equated ambition with depression is because I've been facing this myself a bit. Everything else seems just awesome in my life- except for money.

Take last month's example, on my salary day I had approx Rs. 400 in my wallet, and about Rs. 257 something in ATM. All due to some recent heavy maintenance on my bike. Just a little event makes me fear the worst. I'm practically never ready for a big emergency.
My first salary was even more horrible. Just Rs. 7200/month about 10 years ago. Somehow I came this far.


Indeed, to some extent, I understand how I have influenced students and their lives. Pass out students come to meet me sometimes, from my first batch in 2012, one student has become an army officer, other a successful businessman, and so on. It is definitely a success of a kind though, you're right.
Still, when you're hardpressed to make ends meet, perceptions change, and when the same thing goes on for years, it brings a kind of depression.
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Originally Posted by wocanak View Post
You are already quite self-aware and this is a very thoughtful post, so just a couple of things to add:
  • Often salary has nothing to do with value delivered and it most certainly has nothing to with the sense of worth of a person. Even those aware of this at times tend to conflate these, we need to be vigilant and avoid this.
  • There is this concept of thin desire and thick desire, thin desire is what we are externally (society, friends, family, marketing, etc.) influenced to want, and thick desire is what we really want. Life is too short to waste on the thin desires, best to focus on the thick desires without worrying about failure and giving it our best shot.
Thanks for your insights. I certainly understand value of a person is not determined by the money he/she makes. Its very common for us, that a student's first salary often ends up being more than those of his/her professors. Just days ago, 3 BCA students were placed from my college at Rs. 18 LPA.

Still, money is a big variable in my mid life crisis. Everything else seems pretty much great- there's not much to ask for.

I guess my thick desire is to be an entrepreneur and then come back to educational sector to inspire students. I dream of this everyday, I want it to happen today itself. But again, practically its a long term goal so not much of a pressure there. After my PhD, its the first thing on my mind.
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Old 26th November 2022, 01:43   #52
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Re: The Midlife Crisis Thread

This thread has some great advice. Having already been through various stages of life and associated crises thanks to my overactive mind, I can safely say my thought processes have mutated beyond recognition over two decades. I am glad to see that my current thoughts concur with some of the advice here, though that might just be confirmation bias.

My unsolicited wisdom to everyone and no one in particular would be to spend a significant amount of time - a couple of hours a day, or half a day every weekend - working towards a social cause. There are a bunch to pick from - teaching children, helping out in animal rescue shelters, helping organise small NGOs - that need all kinds of help. From personally building shelters and cages if you're good with your hands, to helping with accounts / procurement / negotiation, or even designing websites, there is always somewhere you can contribute.

My experience from this has been wholly positive. I began when I was a very wayward college student, and it seemed to be the only useful thing I did for many years. It also serves as a great reminder for me to check my privilege, and be grateful (to the universe or random chance) for what I have been given. There is also immeasurable satisfaction in doing something to better the lot of another person (or living being), which I wager is ultimately what makes us human.

Three pieces of writing have always come to my rescue - Mary Schmich's 'Advice', which of course became a beautiful song, Max Ehrmann's Desiderata, and that horrible racist Rudyard Kipling's 'If'. If you can read a good version, the Bhagavad Gita and the Mahabharata are very instructive, and this is coming from an avowed agnostic like me. Each of these contains beautiful advice, blunt as well as nuanced, on living a fulfilling life.
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Old 26th November 2022, 10:38   #53
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Re: The Midlife Crisis Thread

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Originally Posted by Samarth 619 View Post
...
Still, money is a big variable in my mid life crisis. Everything else seems pretty much great- there's not much to ask for.

I guess my thick desire is to be an entrepreneur and then come back to educational sector to inspire students. I dream of this everyday, I want it to happen today itself. But again, practically its a long term goal so not much of a pressure there. After my PhD, its the first thing on my mind.
Heartfelt wishes for your dreams to come true.

As a recently struggling entrepreneur, let me add this bit on the expected value of money for high caliber hard working people:
  • Job: expected value of money = good salary amount at very high probability
  • Small business: expected value of money = reasonable amount at good probability - investment * moderate probability of losing
  • Scalable, VC fundable business: expected value of money = obscenely high at very very low probability - investment * high probability of losing
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Old 26th November 2022, 20:34   #54
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Re: The Midlife Crisis Thread

While going through this thread I realized my urge to buy a car might have been due to mid life crisis. From last month I feel depressed and envious of any car on the road. I have reached a state where I am thinking of taking loan with emi I can't afford to buy a car. My family is keeping me from making such rash decision. While mulling over this I came across this thread.

Did anyone purchase a car as a solution to their midlife crisis and did it solve their crisis? Or did it cause regret? (By the way I am thinking of buying tata punch pure Mt. Unfortunately it doesn't have CVT option.)
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Old 26th November 2022, 23:39   #55
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Re: The Midlife Crisis Thread

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Did anyone purchase a car as a solution to their midlife crisis and did it solve their crisis? Or did it cause regret?
Surrounded by middle aged men and women and serenaded by their queries regarding one issue or the other, I have discovered that shopping is one way of dealing with the midlife crisis.

Some have picked up new cars, a few are constantly on amazon, ajio or flipkart filling up their shopping carts with clothes, tools and gadgets; others have bought and brought in so many pieces of furniture that their rented houses look more like warehouses than living spaces.

Yet, they aren't content, or calm.

Work gives them a salary, not satisfaction; relationships provide them a shoulder to lean on, not a springboard to leap up from.

Having very less challenges and lesser threats (sarkari babus), life goes on: and on,: and on: and on...

The ability to purchase an asset or even the desire to do so perhaps acts as a dopamine generator and keeps their souls from slipping into self destruct mode!

Pertaining to your question, since crisis happens because, and towards the end of, a series of events and thought processes, subduing it is also a continuous internal process.

Flick a switch and the midlife crisis is gone cannot really happen.

You can't buy a car and end a crisis. But you can certainly begin one!
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Old 27th November 2022, 13:25   #56
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Re: The Midlife Crisis Thread

Someone rightly said that keeping the boat of life light is a good way of keeping anxiety out of our journey. We often value our pride, our esteem, our belongings way too much. One remark by the boss, one taunt by the wife, one dent in the car, one salary discussion with batchmates, etc. easily disturbs our inner peace. I think this is natural, but to let the disturbance linger is not healthy.

One way to stop this is by constantly reminding ourselves of the following points:

1. We are a mere peck of dust in the universe
2. Will anyone remeber this event/taunt 100 years down the line? Will this even be important? Does anyone remember what accolades or mistakes the second CEO of HUL or PnG gathered in his/her tenure?
3. We all are responsible for maintaining our own ledger of the karma. Neither can we debit nor credit in someone else's ledger. So why bother if your wife taunts. Keep calm and forgive her.
4. We have limited time on this planet. Cherish the small joys of life. Stop chasing the metrics which society uses to meausre our success. Devise your own metrics and try to achieve them. Once we are gone, the same society will forget us and move one.

One key mantra: Remember that we are not as important as our ego makes us feel.
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Old 27th November 2022, 13:47   #57
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Re: The Midlife Crisis Thread

Midlife Crisis is a negative word that I tend to avoid using. Majority of us will die without really striving for what really makes us happy. With this so called mid life crisis atleast people want to change their life or make adjustments or make decisions even if others feel they already have a perfect life. It's not about others.

For a lot of us life in the mid-late 30s is not what envisioned in our 20s. It can be better or worse, that's a seperate topic. It's also possible with our experiences we realized what Milestones we thought will make us happy, actually don't.

I think it's absolutely fine to make decisions as long as they'll make you happier in the short or long term. Without negatively impacting others close to you or dependent on you.

I really like this poem http://www.zenpencils.com/comic/60-r...oad-not-taken/

Last edited by vellatechie : 27th November 2022 at 13:49.
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Old 27th November 2022, 14:12   #58
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Re: The Midlife Crisis Thread

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Originally Posted by Livnletcarsliv View Post
this so-called "Mid-Life Crisis" is becoming a norm. Every one of us (with some exceptions) probably would have crossed (or) are currently in (or) are yet to encounter this life-changing phenomenon.
Actually, it is a far less frequent occurrence than often assumed.

What is also interesting is to note some remarks on Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midlife_crisis

Quote:
Studies indicate that some cultures may be more sensitive to this phenomenon than others; one study found that there is little evidence that people undergo midlife crises in Japanese and Indian cultures, raising the question of whether a mid-life crisis is mainly a cultural construct.
From CNN: https://www.cnn.com/2019/10/14/healt...ess/index.html

Quote:
The idea adults in midlife face a dark night of the soul -- or desperately escape from it, hair plugs flapping in a convertible's breeze -- is deeply rooted. Studies show the great majority of people believe in the reality of the so-called "midlife crisis," and almost half of adults over 50 claim to have had one. But is it actually real?

Middle age may be dislocating for some but there is little evidence it is usually a period of crisis and despondency. Psychologically speaking, things tend to get better. If there is a small dip in how people evaluate their lot -- even if it is objectively no worse than before -- this is understandable. Our attention shifts from time past to time left, and that requires a process of adjustment.

However we define midlife, do crises concentrate in that period? One study suggests not. It indicates instead that self-reported crises simply become steadily more common as we age. Among study participants in their 20s, 44% reported a crisis, compared to 49% of those in their 30s, and 53% of those in their 40s
Interestingly studies in Chimpansees have also shown signs of mid life crisis. Obviously, Chimpansees don’t worry about jobs, career and such.

I can’t say I have had a mid life crisis, nor can I think of friends who have.
That doesn’t mean it is real for those who do of course. But many of the studies show that it tends to related to some major occurrences in oneslife rather than age. E.g. divorce, death of a parent/partner/child, loss of job etc.

There is no real medical definition what constitutes a mid life crisis. But the American physiological Society talks about a clear and abrupt change of personal habits. E.g.
Neglect of personal hygiene
Dramatic chance in sleeping habits
Significantly weight loss or gain in a short period
Pronounced change of mood.
Withdrawal from personal relationships.

These symptoms are very similar to having a burnout. Again, there is no medical definition. But in both cases the person life is heavily impacted by it to the point where medical attention is required.

Now on the upside. Most people who have gone through a midlife crisis, self proclaimed or medically diagnosed, report life will ultimately get a lot better!

With people who suffered massive burnouts that is less likely.

No matter what the definition is, when you struggle with life, you have my sympathy. I am no doctor, but if you suffer from some of the above mentioned symptoms you really ought to see a doctor.

For many going through this phase of life, it is likely you will be able to sort it out by yourself and support from your partner/family/friends.

All the best

Jeroen
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Old 27th November 2022, 15:27   #59
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Re: The Midlife Crisis Thread

This might be a little off-topic and I speak purely for myself when I say this, but i feel lucky that I put off any talks around a marriage / settling down with my partner until I was over 30. I personally felt that I needed to mature and feel settled, as compared to actually being it. Another thing was that i finally got to what I felt was a very decent salary in a reputed organization (basically more than sufficient for all my needs, investments and EMIs), and then it was time to focus on what enriched my life instead.
Life kind of mellowed me down after 30, i have a more pragmatic outlook on life. I have my hobbies like car rides and collecting anime figurines, but i am at an age where I enjoy only within my limits.
Very recently, i rented an Audi just to drive it between two metros, and just for the heck of it. Enjoying within my limits.
Is this the early stages of coping with mid-life? Probably, but it has never been a crisis for me and i would like to keep it that way.

Last edited by Small Bot : 27th November 2022 at 15:29.
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Old 27th November 2022, 17:16   #60
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Re: The Midlife Crisis Thread

I made a mid-late career shift because of a leap of faith a dozen and more years ago. That changed me and my life.

I watched the movie Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara when it came out. I love that film. It really helped direct my head towards what is really important in life.

Then I had a bradycardia incident a few years ago and luckily came out of it. That further bolstered my resolve to look at life differently. And act upon life also very differently.

And then this year (exactly mid-year) I looked in the mirror one day and that made me resolve that I would change my lifestyle further for the better. This has made me act even more differently in my daily life.

So I think, more than all this ‘mid-life crisis’ and all, one encounters what one may consider to be, ‘defining moments’ in life. Those moments when suddenly the ‘light dawns’ upon one.

And one must very quickly and smartly react to those blinding flashes like Moses did, to the Burning Bush in the Wilderness.

To me, the one single all important quotation that has immense relevance and will always have such immense relevance is; “There is a tide in the affairs of men. Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune” - as Brutus says to Cassius in Shakespeare’s Immortal Julius Caesar.

‘Carpe Diem’ (Seize the Day), because after all, Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara.

No one else can do it, but you.

Last edited by shankar.balan : 27th November 2022 at 17:37.
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