[ashis89]

Originally Posted by ABHI_1512

Firstly, this one sided post is not going to be of any help to anyone. Slandering your own parents for whatever reason is not what you should be doing in an open forum.
I suppose this forum is not an appropriate place to discuss such intrinsic and private affair. Regards.

There's a saying in Odia - "Ajaga ghaa dekhi huye nahi ki dekhei huye nahi" (A wound in a private part of one's body cannot be seen by self and yet, can't be shown to others). But what good is that privacy if we perish from that wound?

Many of us might have come across similar issues (with parents, relatives, in-laws, friends) but can't share it for our fear of ridicule. It takes great courage to open up and share it with others. It is upto us to support, mock or deride him further.



To the OP, as everyone has suggested, see if you can move out and create a new world of yours. Make some good friends, connect with relatives and hope you find a good life partner. They will help you overcome the bad memories that you have and help create new good ones.

Maintain some distance but try to be a dutiful child whenever they need you.

[deathwalkr]

Find a world to escape into when times seem dark and tough. I did not have abusive parents but during a dark 4yr phase of my life, it was heavy metal music that helped me get on with life.

Channel the sadness, compartmentalize it, fight it. Focus on the good in your life and let the darkness never envelop you.

Hope you have a good circle of friends to lend you a shoulder to lean on.

Life has a funny way of turning out right, so stay safe and let not the evil thoughts build cobwebs in your head.

OT: Am surprised to see a few justifications in here. Abuse is abuse irrespective of where it comes from. And asking for help is the first step in the right direction.

[rajeevsulu]

Hi
Firstly, abuse is abuse wherever it comes from. Seek a good psyschiatrist. He is a doctor of the mind. Make slow and planned decisions with a calm mind. You have a great life in front of you.

[GuriMond]

You are in a very toxic situation.
Believe me, no councilor, psychiatrist, relation, friend, etc., will be able to help. Situation and environment is not under your control and you will never be able to change your parents. The situation will worsen over time. No-one other than you will be hurt.

Do not tell them before going. Once you are gone, a letter stating the reasons will be enough. Once you get away, you need to ensure that you do not communicate frequently - and never by phone/video, etc. Only by letter once a month. Maybe after some time they may start thinking why you left; but believe me they will still blame you.

Remember, your relationship with your parents is only if you live - not otherwise.
If you want to live - walk away - without regrets.

[Roy.S]

Originally Posted by aan nhu mare?

...
I am not a doctor...

When you put up the post your occupation was listed as Doctor on your profile. Now it says Job. An honest mistake perhaps. Or are you studying medicine?
In any case I wish you the best of luck and hope you find the strength to get out of the situation you are in.

[ABHI_1512]

Originally Posted by V.Narayan

....similarly preaching to a person seeking help and struggling with a challenge is also something we may choose not to do!!!
And pray why is this forum not an appropriate place to seek help.

Being preachy is the last thing I would want to do on a public forum. It’s unfortunate that my post came across as preachy to you Sir. I am all for seeking help from a medical professional and get the required attention to the problem that OP mentioned and that is clear in my post too.

One can seek help without slandering someone as well, specially when we don’t know the other side of the story, just as you too have mentioned. I certainly wish OP comes out of this situation well.

Originally Posted by ashis89

Many of us might have come across similar issues (with parents, relatives, in-laws, friends) but can't share it for our fear of ridicule. It takes great courage to open up and share it with others. It is upto us to support, mock or deride him further.

Agree, only that I also mentioned the same in my post. Opening up to a medical professional is different from opening up to a world of social media. My only contention and which is not popular, is just keeping the slandering part out. My concern is that at some point when (pray that it gets sorted) OP gets over the ordeal and is living a happy life, this thread shouldn’t come across as a regret. People mature and look at relationships differently with time.

[EV NXT]

“Toxic parenting” is the phrase that refers to such a situation. There are kids in an otherwise normal household who are subjected to this treatment. Then there are kids of broken homes, kids born out of wedlock, kids born by mistake (failed precautions) who also face such situations. Those given up for adoption or left anonymously on the steps of adoption homes could suffer a lot more.

Originally Posted by ABHI_1512

I suppose this forum is not an appropriate place to discuss such intrinsic and private affair.

To state that one should not start such a thread is like telling folks not to start threads on a particular problem because one does not face that problem and is not the right approach towards someone who is subject to a very traumatic situation.

Originally Posted by amartya_bhp

parents are the pillars who support us during our formative years and I am sure that their intentions are nothing but good.

People are victims of various circumstances. Try making the above generic statement about parents to a kid that has been abandoned in a adoption home.

@ OP - I hope you get a solution soon and the fact that you are not alone as depicted in this thread may help in finding a solution. No doubt counselling will help but the key is not to be emotionally dependent on folks that are not sensitive to you (easier said than done but will help a lot if achieved). Financial independence will help too.

Hope you get out of this trauma soon. We are with you!

[fordday]

To OP. Many have already suggested moving out of your home. This is a good idea to see the problem from a distance and have a relook at it. Maybe the distance will make things calm down and bring some reasonable resolution to your issue.

Next is take up some hobby and meet friends. That will keep the issue off your traumatized mind. Something like driving or riding in a group once a week or more. Even taking up daily cycling. Or even getting enrolled in the neighbourhood gym. You will get to meet people and feel better.

Please do not let suicidial thoughts come in. It never helped anyone.

[Indian2003]

I am a living example of an abused child. I had to take it lying down while the old man was alive. I was ridiculed constantly and my school grades were never good enough.

I did not get the best grades but was way above average and passed all my exams with credits. Idiot and good for nothing were what they called me.

Sometimes I walked with a limp as they always aimed for my knees. I never knew when the blows would come.
I was forced to wake up at 4 to pray for my exams and sent off to school saying I was going to fail.
When I passed they showered praise on a god.

When the old man died I was 14 and my mother was terrified. She had all the reasons to.

I let her know at 15 that I was a big boy now and marked it with a tight slap on her face. During one of our fights an older brother interfered and he hit me. Before long I retaliated. He too was frightened of me after that incident.
Since then I went on my own way, never talking to her if I did not need to.
She never dared to be in the house alone with me.

One day during a quarrel she got food in her windpipe and I just left the house. The neighbour thought I had killed her and found her gasping for breath.

I grew up being told I was bad luck and was pounced upon for whatever went wrong. A hindu wise man had told them I should be brought up in a strict manner as I was the eighth child.
At 20 I left that woman for good when I boarded a ship for India.

She asked me when she would see me again and I told her when I am 65.
True to my word I visited the country when I was 65 in 2014, 44 years later.

My parents were peasants from a village in Kerala. They had no parenting skills and they talked with a stick.

After I left she went weeping to my neighbour saying «avanpoi» meaning I had left and was told that she had killed me very slowly over the years.
I have no regrets leaving her. My only regret is that I did not advocate more for myself more before leaving, regardless of the means.

When I started on my first job I like a «good» son handed her a wad of cash only to rip it to pieces when she reached for them.
That was how much I hated her.

When I finally went back in 2014 I met the lady who was an old neighbour and she told me about the abuses before I was 5. A scar on my forehead that I was made to believe happened when I fell down the stairs was actually the old man who tripped me on top of the staircase. I was 3 or 4 then.

When younger I used to build model fighter planes and one day when I came home from school they were all broken «because I used too much time on them»

[MT_Hyderabad]

First thing first: Call this number, and talk to them about your pains. They will help.
"AASRA - We're Here To Help. 91-9820466726"

There are people who are judging you by what you have written and there are people who are judging your parents based on the facts/perception of them you have shared on the forum. This is a very incorrect approach.

Firstly, I can't judge you or your parents based on your perception of them or yourself. But, I can empathise with you as most of us grew in middle class families where resources were limited and relatives were plenty.

Our parents saw more bad than what we experienced and much more bad than what our children will see.

Growing in such families makes one an extreme personality; some children become very sensitive on the other hand some children become completely insensitive.

Sensitive children gets provoked by a simple comment from their parents or relatives, whereas insensitive ones are undisturbed even with a huge beating.
Relatives or society at large accepts people who are in the middle. The extremes do not attend any family gatherings and even miss big occasions of cousin's marriage etc by making lame excuses.

Once you understand this pattern, you start to think where do you stand and where you want to be. Running away or pushing through. Giving up or toughening up or just continuing.

I am a researcher who designs medicine. I can tell that all this is basically a play of some neurotransmittors. If given a free hand, these medicines {which contain neurotransmittors} can make you love someone whom you will never love when you are not under the influence. Some can make a normal person commit suicide. Lack of some neurotransmittors/hormones can transform a child into a hardened criminal.

So what do you do? Asking for help is the first step. You may be prescribed some deficient neurotransmittors if you don't have them. Your parents may be prescribed some in case they lack a few of them or you may be counselled by a professional. It all depends on the medical conditions one has. If prescribed a medicine, or a set of medicines, the full course lasts usually a few weeks and a person who lacks only a small amount of these neuritransmittors will not need another course untill they become deficient again.

My perception of the world is all in me. My brother may perceive a different world. The good part is, we can shift these perceptions with some expert counselling or medicines. One should be open to explore these interventions, they exists for one's good.

[antz.bin]

There is an easier way to get away from this hell. Move out, under a different roof.

It's easier than you think if you are already making some money. There is no need to subject your future wife to the same trauma that you have suffered all your life.

Putting some distance between you and your parents should help mitigate the situation and maybe help you look at the bright side.

I don't know if you understand Hindi or not but if you do, this guy has some gems of wisdom that I would want to share with not just you but this entire group.

I am not aware of the entire specifics but for your specific situation, maybe this one should help.

https://youtu.be/MZLhcd6bQPY

Even if it doesn't, try some of the other videos. Watch it at 1.5x/2x but do give it a watch. This guy is a gem.

[dailydriver]

It will take some time to process the pains being shared here. However, if there is one thing that can instantly be done by the posters on and readers of this thread is to introspect and evaluate if we ourselves are, even in the remotest way, candidates fit to be categorised as abusive parents/partners - now or in the future.

It takes a lot of time and effort to heal the pestering wounds of the past; not inflicting new ones just needs some self evaluation.

Without prejudicing anyone's right to share their travails, i feel that it would be in the best interests of the community if we could stay clear of introducing the tit for tat/revenge dimension in the narratives.

The world is not fair. It will never be.

But insisting on an eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.

[GRAND23]

I really feel for you man.

But suicide is not the answer for this. Who knows, you might have to start new life again with similar or more abusing parents?
So my suggestion is not to think about the suicide at all.

There is saying "Get busy living or Get busy dying" in Shawshank Redemption movie and I very much believe in this.

Get busy living your life. As many BHPians suggested, move the job location and find better life partner, things will fall in place for sure. Everything has to end someday and who knows, your good days are just about to start. You have come long way and you are just there. So please bear and keep pushing life, you will come out of this strongly.

Incase if you couldn't move the job, then just keep yourself busy in many things that you won't get thought of suicide and other evil stuffs. Remember! Empty mind is Devil's mind.

I wish you that you get out of these scenario's quickly and hey always reach back to this community, we will provide you all moral support you need.

[Sheel]

You can not do much about your family, be it parents, siblings, cousins or neighbors. But, you can choose your friends and do something about your life.

Engross yourself in acamedics, excel there, get a job somewhere far and take a break. Also do pursue your hobbies and do take some time out & visit nature, even if it means going to the terrace or nearby park for a stroll.

If they do not like you, confine yourself, do not offer opinion / advise.

Someone I know closely, did not like the parents, parents did everything, still, a stint (for 4 years) away and the person is home sick now, does not want to leave home.

Get away & build your world.

[dsuman]

SUICIDE is not the answer.

I appreciate you thinking about your prospective bride getting the same treatment that you are receiving. If your relationship start on that note then you both can never settle in life. I know you have a plan in mind but looking for options.

I understand your situation. My cousin and her husband also fights everyday on Petty issues and Egos and they have been married for 30+ years. The fighting is loud and abusive. He even hurls expletives that a father would never do on own daughter.Their daughter is 20+ and I know her condition is similar to yours. She is mentally drained. she wants to complete her MBBS and Marry and get out of the house.

She is diverting her mind by hanging out with friends and sometimes visiting my house and playing with my kids.

My suggestion to you is - Find a Job in a different State and move out. After your Marriage your Bride will live with you and away from negative influence. You can make her understand slowly about your Parents behaviour.

Your parents will not change their attitude (Sorry Mate). It's better you escape.