[FalconRed]

Feel for you mate.

But I like to defer from few members of this community who opinion that parents are the pillars, whatever they are doing is right for their child and we should respect them.

I'm sorry to say but this is plain bullshit.

Being a parent dosent give you the right to abuse your child physically and mentally.

As a parent you have decided to bring a child into this world and it is your responsibility to protect your child from the evil of this world. Just because you are parents doesn't give you the right to manipulate and belittle your kid.

As a human we have a tendency to belittle the other powerless creatures. We try to dismiss their opinion and feelings.
If you cannot give a free mental and emotional space to your own kid at home how are they supposed to go out and face the challenges of this world.

----------

Me and my wife both had an abusive childhood. My kid is the luckiest to have a very understanding and loving mother.

But I'm still plagued by my childhood trauma and very rarely I try to put the same kind of abusive parenting on my kid.
I'm immediately corrected by my wife and I'm learning to be a good father.

My two cents ...
1. Move out ASAP.
2. Get a therapy just for you so that you come out of this trauma.
Your parents should have been able to identify this toxic parenting and get help for themselves but they didn't, because they think that whatever they do is right.
3. Find a partner who can help you to get out of this trauma. If you decide to marry and bring someone into your family please be open about the kind of toxic parenting you had, share all the details much before marriage.

[sagarpadaki]

Originally Posted by aan nhu mare?

Have any of you ever had to deal with abusive parents? How did you cope with the mental agony and stress? Any help would be much appreciated

I empathize with you. I can feel the pain that you are going through.

You need to visit a good psychotherapist, who will help you to get on a healing path. You need help to acknowledge your trauma and come out of it. Childhood trauma has a profound impact on our minds even when we become adults. If feasible, disconnect from them and start living your life independently. Take professional help ASAP.

[FAIAAA]

Originally Posted by aan nhu mare?

Have any of you ever had to deal with abusive parents? How did you cope with the mental agony and stress? Any help would be much appreciated

Hi, neither a psychologist/ psychiatrist nor medically qualified , just a fellow traveller on this journey called LIFE.

1. First, let me commend you - it takes tremendous courage to open up and seek help. That's the first sign of maturity and self confidence.

2. We all need and seek help - just that some search outside and / or some search within.

3. Life is beautiful and too short/ random to be weighed down with negative feelings , towards which we are genetically and naturally pre disposed. ( sociology , psychology and medical science converge on this. Read about Amygdala etc)

4. May I suggest the following -
- first, focus on yourself ( as the safety instructions given on a flight prior to take off, " In case of emergency, do ensure you wear your oxygen mask before assisting others")
- in this case you need "oxygen" First . However, as the zen philosophy states, one cannot fill a full tea cup. So you have to let go first.
- suggest the following based on personal experience -Some actionsthat could help LET GO- therapy, attending Landmark Forum (which helps people deal with accepting or letting go their trauma, negative emotions/ thinking , achieving what you want through enrollment etc - PS: not associated with them in anyway) . Read " The courage to be disliked" Which among other things, talks about how we choose to hold on to our trauma and can let go off it if we really want to.
- suggest the following in parallel to fill yourself up with love, happiness and positivity
- meditation, yoga, spirituality/ philosophy, being in nature, travel and of course the very fact you are on this forum - DRIVE , go on road trips solo or with friends who will cheer you up.
In addition to all of the above, the BHAGVAD GITA became my number 1 go to resource, see it as a book of/ for life.

Once you have let go of what you can, accepted what you cannot change and changed what you could, then focus on
- if you could help your folks go through similar journey. You can only try, but dont influence the outcomes
- seek other meaningful relationships ( do remember unless you have been through healing yourself and seek love and offer love and not the negative emotions you find yourself in now, you may end up attracting the same sort of people that you are trying to avoid)

Wish you the best my friend !

[kapi]

Your mother is a Narcissist. The only way to make it stop is to leave.

Please look up Dr. Ramani on youtube to understand a lot more about what has been happening to you.

[sanjayrozario]

Originally Posted by aan nhu mare?

My mother is the most abusive person I know. She magnifies the most trivial, frivolous things in her mind and projects her negative feelings on those around here.
...
...

Hey buddy, while I had my own share but it wasn't as much as yours. But I do commiserate with what you're going through. But suicide is never the answer so stop thinking about it. I suggest that you move out to a different city (that's what I did). It worked - i guess distance makes the hearts grow fonder. & if you'd like to talk, I'm all ears.

[Comrade]

All I can say is Prioritise yourself and move away from any relationship that is toxic to yourself! Also, It's really surprising that some bhpians are suggesting OP to re-evaluate his feeling! Parents can be abusive, under veil of discipline, without themselves realising that they are causing mental trauma. And this abuse will stay with the child forever!

[PrasannaDhana]

Originally Posted by aan nhu mare?

I keep thinking of suicide just to get away from this hell.

Oh dear!!

A suicide is a solution to nothing.

So my parents have abused you physically and emotionally, well, let me top them both by gifting myself the biggest abuse - stealing the privilege of living this beautiful life.


We always tend to believe our life is the only one that has abuse, sorrow, depression, embarrassments and pain. But the truth is, everyone breathing now has them all in their lives.

Now, before sounding too preachy, let me share a quote that made a profound impact in my life

Everyman has 2 lives, the second one begins the moment he realizes he has only 1

Believe me, I have battled for life after a major crash. Despite what your mind would want you to believe, the innate desire for our body as a whole to survive is almost unbelievably strong.

Let's focus on your problem

By your perspective, after reading what you have written

- Mom had a conscious tendency to hurt me physically or when I was a kid, and continues to hurt me by emotional dramas because she willingly wants to see me suffer

- Dad thinks I am no good in anything. He compares and never appreciates what I do

Now, what can be the solution - I would put it into 2 part's

1. Changing your perspective towards your parents' behaviour

It is not that they want to see their son suffer and go through pain. They are just reflecting how they were parented. A lot of children are being physically punished (even today) by their parents who believe physically punishment is the only way, because their parents did that to them. In their minds, they don't even realize it is a sin/crime to punish the kid physically. Their only intent is to see them grow disciplined and get good grades so that the kid will lead a better life in future.

Your dad might project his own insecurities, or the treatment his dad meeted out to him when he was your age.

If you could just step back from the "my parents hate me and want me to suffer" mentality and change to "my parents are just projecting the same bad parenting they received as a child and their intent is never bad", you might be able to resent them less and forgive them.


2. Move out

If you live together, politely ask them that you need space and time alone. And that you will keep in touch nevertheless. Find a 1bhk and start living at a distance. Most times, distance and space helps them realize their shortcomings as a parent.

3. Be better and set an example

This is your life and you should never be apologetic to make big decisions. Get married (ofcourse takes a lot of time and effort ) and start a family. Be a better parent and show them by walking the walk, that what you are doing is actual good parenting.


These are all challenging to do. But hey, nothing as challenging as killing yourself. Atleast the former is fruitful.

Suicide is a lazy man's route. Don't disrespect yourself and your creator(if you believe in God) like that.

I pray you get better.

Finally, found this on the net and thought this should be shared to all parents

[RedTerrano]

Originally Posted by aan nhu mare?

I keep thinking of suicide just to get away from this hell.

Huh?
Suicide is for quitters dude.
Surely you are made of far superior stuff. The fact that you had the balls to open up about such a topic on the internet, tells us about your fantastic mettle.
So banish that nonsense thought from your mind.
For ever.

You know who else was in a similar boat once upon a time?
Yakov Dzhugashvili
Son of Stalin (The Russian dude, not the current Indian politician)

If you read about it, you will find lots of Stalin's personality traits familiar.
Anyway, Yakuov grew up, found the love of his life, and one day announced to his dad, his intention to marry her. Stalin saw red and in his typical toxic style, berated his own son. So much that in a fit of despair, Yakov decided to commit suicide.
He took a pistol, and shot himself. And missed.
His father's response?
He can't even shoot straight.

Here is the same episode narrated by Yakov's sister.

My mother was terribly upset when Yakov tried to commit suicide in 1928,
or it may have been 1929. In despair over the attitude of my father, who
wouldn’t have anything to do with him, Yakov went to the kitchen of our
Kremlin apartment and shot himself. Luckily he was only wounded. My father
used to make fun of him and sneer, “Ha! He couldn’t even shoot straight!” My
mother was horrified. The shot made a deep impression on her; her own death later on may have been an echo of it. Yakov loved me and my mother’s parents.
He loved and respected my mother very much. My Alliluyev grandparents
looked after him as best they could. After his attempt at suicide, he went to
Leningrad and lived in Grandfather’s apartment.

Notice the words of empathy and concern in her description.
Terribly upset
Luckily
Horrified

Because that's how people who care, think.

Also notice what Yakov did next.
He walked out of that toxic environment.
That's exactly all of us are suggesting you do!

Take a deep breath, plan properly, become financially independent (if you are not already) and walk away.
I wish you the very best of what life has to offer

[Rehaan]

Working backwards from what needs to be addressed with the highest priority :

Originally Posted by aan nhu mare?

I keep thinking of suicide just to get away from this hell.

Just wanted to share this link that might be helpful if these thoughts arise again:

http://www.aasra.info/helpline.html


----------

Clearly in this thread you see a lot of mixed opinions. Some people who do in fact understand & empathize with you completely, and others who have had the good fortune to not even be able to relate to what you've been through.

You're on the right path - identifying that it's not you that is the problem - but instead it is your family. And then the next brave step of admitting it publicly and asking for help.

This also shows that you believe your life can get better, and it absolutely 100% can.

Taking some steps forward will feel uncomfortable, scary and foreign... but if you want to change your life you will have to also change your thoughts and actions.

Take it one small step at a time, at your own pace. You'll have bad days and good days, but the good days will show you that it's worth holding out and continuing on the journey.

Can you also share the city you're located in (via PM if you prefer) - will try to get you a professional contact to speak to, if you like.

[subraiyr]

Originally Posted by aan nhu mare?

Have any of you ever had to deal with abusive parents? How did you cope with the mental agony and stress? Any help would be much appreciated

Hey brother - you are not alone in this. Firstly as V Narayanan said, give yourself a big hug. You have navigated a lot of the abuse and have come out relatively unscathed.

Many of us do not realize the abuse we go through with parents/elders/family members. A lot of this starts right from childhood where the child is compared with her/his siblings, friends etc for any action or inaction that they perform. Then there is this whole concept of "In my time, I did not do this because of XYZ reasons". Further on, this continues as one grows up and once you hit your mid-twenties, the abuses can be more emotional. Look up the term Parental Gaslighting and you will understand the different levels of abuse that children go through especially when they start working. It is common in India, but we refrain from talking about it

I have seen this personally and I realized this only after a very long time. I worked with a coach who was both a coach and a counsellor and she made me understand this. Till then, I was under the impression that something was seriously wrong with me

My suggestion (not advice) to you is

1. Speak to a counsellor or a life coach. They can help you build up your positivity after having endured this amount of negativity

2. Distances make the memory fonder - I completely believe in this. I have lived away from my family for the last 35+ years and thoroughly enjoyed it. So much so that, I can never stay for more than a week to 10 days with my relatives. I guess I have flipped the other way of becoming too damn independent. But that does not mean that I don't care for my parents. After all, family is family and if as a child you committed a mistake, your parent would be forgiving. The same goes for them as well

3. Learn from others and yourself and keep this in mind as you start your family. It is easy for us to fall into the trappings of using the same parental style as we were brought up with.

4. Lastly, this place is like a sofa in a counsellor's office. So go ahead and feel free to continue the discussion. You will get an amazing perspective.

5. Life is to be lived and enjoyed and never wasted on ending it sooner. There is so much to live for. Go ahead and have fun

Cheers

[adwaith]

Originally Posted by aan nhu mare?

My childhood has been a series of such episodes in which I was always the villain. This was in addition to the arguments my parents would have, mostly started by my mother over some insignificant matter which she would magnify a million times.

I keep thinking of suicide just to get away from this hell.

Have any of you ever had to deal with abusive parents? How did you cope with the mental agony and stress? Any help would be much appreciated

I'm really sorry that you have had to go through this but something as drastic as suicide is not the solution. Please know that your feelings, emotions and opinions are just as valid as anybody else's no matter what you have been told.

While the ideal solution would be to cut off from such toxic company, it is not exactly practical in the case of parents.

I would suggest that you talk to a professional and in addition try and practise stoicism. Now the implementation of stoic principles are far easier said than done. It requires quite a bit of time and considerable effort to bring your perspective and emotions in line with stoic principles. It will also not solve all your problems but it will help quite a bit.

If there is something outside work that you are passionate about, try to take up that activity and it is likely that you will find friends who you can help alleviate your grief.

Most importantly, try to have some physical distance from your parents. Move away for work or to study. At the least it should be occasional travel so that you get a break from them. You will probably get taunts about how you don't have time for them anymore, but eventually the dust will settle.

Once you find your feet and become independent, you will have a confidence to stand up to them and they will eventually stop.

Sidenote: Suicide is not for quitters also. It is for no one. Terming victims of suicides as cowards or quitters disregards their struggles and their lives. Even if you quit, you can get back up again and sometimes its okay if you don't. However suicide will solve no one's problems. If you are ever bogged down with such thoughts please reach out to a helpline such as that of Kiran (1800-599-0019) which is run by the government. A quick google search will bring up other helplines that are available in India. You can also reach out to me and I will put you in touch with the few professionals I know.

[mohansrides]

I am not going to offer an opinion on the OP’s predicament. If I did, then this would deviate into a discussion on my views and remain less about offering the OP the help and advise he needs.

But I will say this about whether or not this is the appropriate place for the OP to share his story.

This forum offers three benefits.

a.) Anonymity. Of course, there are people connecting offline through the forum and thereby forfeiting their anonymity; but that is purely on their own initiative.

b.) Everyone who is here is a real person. So no bots (hopefully).

c.) The members here have been chosen after some due diligence. Our roster consists of educated people who are responsible, and contributing members of society. So there are no chapris here whose only job is to troll online.

Keeping the above three points in mind, I am going to go on a limb and say that this is EXACTLY the place to come to with your problems (whatever those may be) when you feel hemmed in and helpless.

Thanks.

[sunnysideup_]

Originally Posted by aan nhu mare?

Have any of you ever had to deal with abusive parents? How did you cope with the mental agony and stress? Any help would be much appreciated

Hello, I hope you are doing well, OP. I am extremely sorry you had to go through this growing up, and while I can't relate entirely, I empathise wholeheartedly. Nobody deserves to go through what you have, and I think you are extremely strong for having endured this all this while. Sending you lots of love and support from my side.

As many BHPians have stated above, please consider moving out to another city for work, or at least to another part of the same city, perhaps to a PG closer to work. It is much easier said than done, I am aware, but taking the first step is always the hardest, it will only become easier from there.

Similarly, do seek therapy. Ideally, family therapy along with individual therapy would be great, but I am inclined to make the assumption that your parents won't be receptive to the idea. At the very least, start seeking therapy for yourself. You need not visit a counsellor's or a therapist's office in today's age (if stepping out to seek therapy would raise questions from your household and might be met with resistance).

I have a list of online resources- counsellors and therapists that offer their services on a sliding pay scale, or even pro bono if finances are an issue- which I had compiled for my college's magazine a while ago. Most of it ought to still be relevant, as the document I have is links to sheets and resources that are regularly updated. Please DM me, I will send the document to you. Take the first step of online counselling, as it will ease you into the world of therapy and see where it takes you from there. Anybody else who wants to access the document, feel free to DM me as well!

I wish you all the best! Please take care of yourself!

[PatienceWins]

First of all, you should get a psychologist help if you are getting thoughts of suicide.

Coming to your situation with parents:

1. As others have pointed out, try to move out for now and start a family as your parents are not dependent on you. But this would not be a long term solution as your parents get older, or passing away of one of them etc, would make them dependent on you and bring back the old problem.

2. Get your mother consulted by a psychiatrist. This is the long term solution. Our society considers mental illness as a taboo and that prevents many families from getting help and keep living in pain.

3. Do not tie your self esteem to their behaviour or respond to them: They have control over the stimuli, but the response is entirely in your hand. All of us have challenges with relationships, and what I have learnt is the best response in many cases is Silence. You do not have to respond to stupidity.

[venkat_partha]

Hello,

I read through your initial post and feel your pain.

(Disclaimer: My life experiences are nowhere near this level of sadness).

You first need to place yourself first.

Heal yourself first. How you do that is totally dependent on what your perspective of life is. If you are religious, get out of your home everyday, visit a place of worship, vent yourself to the voice above. If not, connect your self to nature, go for a walk, jog, cycle. Just get out of the house first. Get lots of sunlight. Improve your physical wellbeing first. Your mental wellbeing will also improve with it. Or, do both.

Make friends and allies. Friends, primarily to have a/some confidant(s) with whom you can unburden yourself without any fear of your secrets being used against you. Allies, specifically among relatives, to support you against this 'war' against your parents.

Create a backup fund, specifically one that is unknown to your parents, that you can fall back on when you are ready to detach yourself from them. This is specially useful if you are financially still dependent or quasi dependant on them. As you are doing this, secure your important documents where they cannot be held over your head as a threat later.

As many people have suggested, look out for a job/study opportunity away from your current location. The farther away, the better.

If you are constrained through circumstances beyond your control- if there is no way for you to escape/get out of this situation in the near future, prepare yourself by getting a thicker skin. Avoid direct confrontation. Bend to their will as much as you can. But, keep preparing for this escape.

Why this advice, Indian parents cannot be changed nor reasoned with. NEVER. Your salvation lies in distancing yourself from their influence.

Live life to the fullest. All the best.