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Old 6th December 2022, 07:04   #61
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Re: Dealing with abusive parents

Reading first few lines of the opening post and I felt as if I am reading my own story!

Trust me, you are not alone, although the abuse has manifested in different ways for me at different stages of life. Schooling years were about getting hit for trivial reasons. Imagine getting hit because you happily came home early from school during exams and she thought I had not finished the test whereas in reality I found the test too easy and finished it an hour early! I was a bright student in school, but was pushed for perfection. I vividly remember getting hit for scoring 18 out of 20 in one of the unit tests.

Adolescence and college days were about verbal abuse and sarcastic comments on little things. Imagine a person whom you love the most telling some third person at some function this: 'The elder one is much better' (I am the younger one). This was when I was in 3rd year engineering and she was not joking, rather said that in a very serious tone. I had posted my story in the depression thread on how I once rode my scooter in anger to inflict harm to myself.

Having a kid now, at 35 years of age, the sarcastic comments, judging still won't stop Two years back I was hit (seriously again, not jokingly) because my 1.5 year son bit a little sponge off his squeeze-ball and I was told that we don't have any parenting skills. It gets real bad when you are an introvert. I have so many stories to write but that's beside the point.

How have I dealt with this?

- Understand and accept that whatever you do, they wont change, ever. So no point in expecting that they will change their behaviour or actions.

- We are a product of our experiences, she might have had her share of experiences which made her that person today. Remember it was a different world back then.

- So don't stop loving and caring for them, whatever they did, at least they fed you and ensured you remain physically fit so that you survive to explore the beautiful world

- Now to remain mentally fit, do maintain distance as most posts have recommended. Try to connect with them when you are in the best space of mind.

- (This I like the most) Be self aware, know beforehand when there is an impending abuse about to be hurled at you or that sarcastic comment which you know will trigger you. For example: I give ice cream to my kid in front of my mom, I know the first thing she will say is 'make him sick, that is what you are good at'. Or me and my wife wearing a dress she might not approve, I know she is going to frown. Once you know the demons, dealing with them becomes easier.

- If they push the buttons yet again, do not stay around. Leave the place immediately, we have lots of other important stuff to do than think about what has been said or done to us. Come back when you are in a comfortable space of mind.

- This one is especially hard (took a long time for me): Don't let the verbal stuff stick to you and affect your thinking and actions. Take a hard stand for yourself and learn to let go or even laugh it off.

- The only way you can do above is having a bunch of extremely close friends whom you meet regularly and to whom you can talk freely (just like you posted on the forum). Take their advice but it is you who will have to evaluate if their advices are rational. Find the best partner and see this happening: "Empty life - girl come - life reverse gear" [That funny line from the song 'Kolaveri'] Again, don't let your parents do this for you. It will be tough listening to their comments but nothing that a good partner and safe distance won't sort.

- You are human, despite of all the above, you will still lose your mind once in a while. So prepare for that, know what you need to do when it happens. I for example, would play video games or watch a movie or call a friend. With a kid now, all I have to do is play with him to ease up.

- Again, as you are a human, you WILL retaliate. Ensure that the retaliation is sensible and has a net positive effect. But note that it usually starts happening when they start getting old. My parents have started 'fearing' me now, especially my mom refrains from saying anything, although her face says it all, I am no longer triggered that often.

Lastly, don't carry this grudge to the grave. They will soon grow old, the world around them (their friends, close relatives etc) will start falling apart slowly. Try to make it less miserable. Think and talk about the good times you had with them, its not like you have had only bad experiences so far. Even if you are not around, have minimum provisions made for their good health. It is simply our duty, the question of whether we like doing that or not does not arise.

Last edited by NiInJa : 6th December 2022 at 07:12.
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Old 6th December 2022, 07:50   #62
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Re: Dealing with abusive parents

To the OP, you did the right thing by reaching out for help. Many of us do not have the courage to do so and suffer the consequences. Thank you for taking the first step.

On a separate note, I have found it very difficult to identify good therapists. Since people don't like to talk about mental health, it becomes very difficult to get a reference from someone you know. I feel that reviews on Practo and Quora etc are unreliable since they reflect the social media marketing skills of the counselor more than genuine feedback from patients.

I would be very thankful if I could get references to some good psychologists / therapists in Bangalore. Please do DM me if you think that is more appropriate.
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Old 6th December 2022, 08:28   #63
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Re: Dealing with abusive parents

Going OT here:
I think we need a separate thread on Team-BHP that lists good psychologists/psychiatrists possibly with patient experience in different cities of the country, something similar to this thread https://www.team-bhp.com/forum/shift...ultations.html (Calling doctors/dentists/specialists on Team-BHP to provide free consultations)

I tried looking for one but was not able to find anything quickly.
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Old 6th December 2022, 09:46   #64
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Re: Dealing with abusive parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by aan nhu mare? View Post
Unfortunately, I have been the victim at the receiving end of those projections for years. When I was small, she would take up my studies. I cannot remember a day when I didn't receive a knuckle on the head or a hard pinch on my arm. Sometimes it was a hair pulling. And whenever it was none of these, then it was a host of verbal abuses. I was berated to no measure when I got a 8/10 on a test and someone else had scored 10/10. I was made to feel ashamed for even existing because I was such an embarrassment to her.
I have always believed that the environment is one of the most powerful forces in our lives. If you find yourself struggling, take a close look at how your environment is driving your behaviour.

Last edited by GTO : 7th December 2022 at 11:49. Reason: Trimming quote
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Old 6th December 2022, 14:33   #65
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Re: Dealing with abusive parents

First, a quick and humble rebuke to some of the BHPians who have spoken of respect for parents etc. in plain naivete, and a big shout out to majority who have taken cognizance of the problem.

I work in the mental health space (I am a certified hypnotherapist). Parental abuse (I am not saying they do it intentionally), is a primary cause for adult mental health challenges. While helping people during therapy, in most cases, people's struggles have led me to their childhood and their way of parenting.

I am not sure how many people would be reading my post, but I would still leave a note on NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and related toxic behavior.

And I would leave a link to one of the best doctors, Dr Ramani, who keeps publishing on this topic -



Parents are a set of humans. They are a subject of their surroundings. Many of them are NPDs and don't know how to treat their children and loved ones in the right manner, rather treat them in a very toxic way.

So, first things first, while have empathy for parents and their toxic past, there is absolutely no reason to put them on a divine pedestal for the simple act of being parents.

Secondly, it is imperative to stop doubting a person who is saying he / she is facing abuse. There is NO other side of the story to this. Judging the abused is the worst thing one can do. And I understand a lot of those doing this is again inadvertantly doing it.

To the person who has initiated this post -
My heart goes out to you. It is not easy to have dealt with this forever and then come out in the public with this story.

See a counselor, but one who understands toxic parenting. Else you may end up following the wrong god home and have a severe antipathy for therapy.

NPD is not curable, mostly clinical. Many a times victims become the abuser. Which seems to be the case here in case of your mom. Whatever be her situation and excuse, you need to find a separate place and life for yourself. Give yourself a couple of years to heal from what you have gone through, else you may end up marrying someone like your mom. The person who has experienced abuse, finds an abusive environment to be normal and often end up with a partner similar to their parents.

Toxic parenting in India is in any case normalised. We don't talk about it and hush up the few voices who have the courage to talk about it, guilting them and shooing them away - something as a society we need to change. Especially since many of us are parents too.
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Old 6th December 2022, 15:11   #66
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Re: Dealing with abusive parents

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Originally Posted by DogNDamsel12 View Post
So, first things first, while have empathy for parents and their toxic past, there is absolutely no reason to put them on a divine pedestal for the simple act of being parents.

Toxic parenting in India is in any case normalised.
Thank you for stating something so obvious and that is apparent all around us everyday, but yet is rarely articulated, and like you said accepted and hushed up.

Don't have anything useful to add to this thread since I'm not qualified in any way to comment on what to do to help in this issue. But had to log in and say thank you to someone qualified for saying this.

(And when I read some of the posts, I'm amazed that people still put themselves in positions where they are subject to the same bad behavior from their "elders" even after becoming adults and financially independent. Just walk away!)

Last edited by am1m : 6th December 2022 at 15:13.
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Old 7th December 2022, 13:24   #67
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Re: Dealing with abusive parents

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Originally Posted by aan nhu mare? View Post
My mother is the most abusive person I know. She magnifies the most trivial, frivolous things in her mind and projects her negative feelings on those around here.

I keep thinking of suicide just to get away from this hell.

Have any of you ever had to deal with abusive parents? How did you cope with the mental agony and stress? Any help would be much appreciated
I hear you. I am sorry you are going through this. No one deserves it.

I have gone through a very traumatic childhood myself. I have even attempted suicide in my childhood. I even ran away from the house.

It took me a while to realise that my childhood traumas developed my adulthood patterns which led me to a very uncontentful life. Both professionally (while i was working for a big brand and earning good money) and personally (while i have had many many women in my life).

The best thing to happen to me was a mix of Therapy and Spiritual learning.
I have come to realize that its ones own journey to figure out what works best for them. There are many sources to help you through it.

Though i do not know your financial status or age, I do strongly believe that to begin the process, you could look at living separately. For me, i wanted to live alone and when i finally got to do that, my life did start making a change.

Even today, after over 2 years in therapy, i am working on myself. So please do not expect it to be a short process. In fact, overcoming our childhood traumas is likely to be a whole life's work. Also one of our purposes in life.

I hope this helps you in some way. Do feel free to reach out for sources for your reference.
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Old 7th December 2022, 14:23   #68
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Re: Dealing with abusive parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by am1m View Post

(And when I read some of the posts, I'm amazed that people still put themselves in positions where they are subject to the same bad behavior from their "elders" even after becoming adults and financially independent. Just walk away!)
This is not easy as one would assume. I know in some marriages, people cant walk away due to responsibilities and also fear of other person doing something with their life at the extreme. There might be similar things with abusive parents too. You don't want to see others suffer and try to think things might improve. We do see people change right ?

But for improvements everyone involved needs to be counselled/warned etc which never happens in our country.

I wonder if the OP can state the situation in front of elders with parents present if not with certified counsellors.
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Old 7th December 2022, 14:29   #69
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Re: Dealing with abusive parents

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Originally Posted by PreludeSH View Post
We do see people change right ?
Again, don't want to post on things I don't know too much about. But I've been privy to the ordeals that one family member and one friend went through each, who were in abusive marriages. And one thing that the counselors kept telling them was not to keep themselves in the trap, expecting the "other person to change". Distance yourself physically from the abusive situation/person first.

(Obviously we are talking about serious, crossing-the-line behaviors here, not saying people walk out of family relationships over small issues.)

Will leave it to more qualified (medically and counseling-trained) people to comment/clarify if that is indeed correct.

Last edited by am1m : 7th December 2022 at 14:32.
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Old 7th December 2022, 14:34   #70
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Re: Dealing with abusive parents

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Originally Posted by aan nhu mare? View Post

she was allegedly ill-treated by her mother-in-law and she vents here anger toward her on anyone else. That mother-in-law has been dead for nearly five years now. Why is this anger still alive?

Have any of you ever had to deal with abusive parents? How did you cope with the mental agony and stress? Any help would be much appreciated
I am also going through parents related stress at this point of time. Please be assured that you are not alone and this is a common problem throughout most households at some point of time.

There are mutiple factors at work here if you may analyze
1) Mother in law related pent up frustration
2) Empty mind is devils workshop - not busy enough
3) Aging related insecurity
4) Genuine medical problem

The best solution to this is to deal with this headon.
Be firm but be polite when they abuse.
Do not cut them off completely at any point.

Try to get them busy with things that they like, send them for a Yatra/ Tour which they like every 2-3 months.

If nothing works, seek intervention of people they respect.
If that does not work, medical counselling is the only option.
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Old 7th December 2022, 19:47   #71
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Re: Dealing with abusive parents

First of all, let me say that I am truly humble by the sheer quantum of responses to this thread.

To all of you who took the time to write, I want to say Thank You.

To those of you who don't understand my plight, I am glad you don't. Because that means that you didn't go through anything similar in your lives, which is only a good thing.

I realize that this probably isn't the ideal forum to post about such topics. But writing this out actually was quite cathartic. Somehow it gave me some clarity of thought and now I have a better idea of which direction I should take a step in to make an effort to make things better.

Once again, thank you so much for your kind words.
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Old 7th December 2022, 20:12   #72
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Re: Dealing with abusive parents

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Originally Posted by aan nhu mare? View Post
I realize that this probably isn't the ideal forum to post about such topics. But writing this out actually was quite cathartic. Somehow it gave me some clarity of thought and now I have a better idea of which direction I should take a step in to make an effort to make things better.
I would say it was brave of you to open up. You might have read through the posts where several members have acknowledged the problem and shared their own experiences too. And not just you, anyone who has not been able to share their plight yet, will also get some idea of the direction they should take in life.

All the very best to you

Last edited by ashis89 : 7th December 2022 at 20:13.
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Old 7th December 2022, 20:26   #73
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Re: Dealing with abusive parents

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Originally Posted by aan nhu mare? View Post
I realize that this probably isn't the ideal forum to post about such topics. But writing this out actually was quite cathartic. Somehow it gave me some clarity of thought and now I have a better idea of which direction I should take a step in to make an effort to make things better.

Once again, thank you so much for your kind words.
There is no wrong forum to discuss mental health. Every forum is the right forum. We need to get out of the taboo and support each other. In the end, we are all humans who have only got each other's backs. I'm very glad that you opened up and sought help. That's half the battle done. Seeking help is the hardest step one takes towards better mental health.

Shall I give you contacts of some good therapists? We could start from there. But definitely also visit a psychiatrist. If you're from Bangalore, I'd be happy to tag along if you need the nudge to go.

Also, a note for BHPians who have shared that 'suicide is not a solution to anything'. Sometimes suicide seems like the only plausible solution to problems. I have been through suicidal phases in life and it can be very hard. I understand it when you say it's not the solution, but that's not helping anyone isn't it? We need to empathise with the OP, regardless of whether they're suicidal or not. Acceptance is the first step towards healing.

To the OP: regardless of what you feel, accept your feelings as a valid reaction to the situation you are in. 'What to do' is a question for later. The first step is acceptance. Accept your feelings as they arrive, and let them go once you've felt what you needed to feel. Feelings are like air, you can't catch one and hold on to it. Just like you wouldn't hold on to some air, don't hold on to feelings. Feel it and then let it pass.

Last edited by vedirah : 7th December 2022 at 20:48.
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Old 7th December 2022, 22:27   #74
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Re: Dealing with abusive parents

Quote:
Originally Posted by aan nhu mare? View Post
First of all, let me say that I am truly humble by the sheer quantum of responses to this thread.

To all of you who took the time to write, I want to say Thank You.

To those of you who don't understand my plight, I am glad you don't. Because that means that you didn't go through anything similar in your lives, which is only a good thing.

I realize that this probably isn't the ideal forum to post about such topics. But writing this out actually was quite cathartic. Somehow it gave me some clarity of thought and now I have a better idea of which direction I should take a step in to make an effort to make things better.

Once again, thank you so much for your kind words.
Glad that we were able to help and now you have a bit more clarity than before.

BTW, you have a good hand at writing (typing ) and may be that is also something that you can indulge more in, if it gives you solace.
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Old 7th December 2022, 23:54   #75
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Re: Dealing with abusive parents

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Originally Posted by aan nhu mare? View Post
But writing this out....
By doing so, you have already won half of the battle. It takes courage to come out, kudos to you. Just keep going, there is nothing wrong in reaching out, seeking help. More than friends, family who care about you, you need you. Be there for yourself, your future self will thank the present courageous you!

https://www.team-bhp.com/forum/shift...ml#post5416281 (The Depression Thread: Let's openly talk about this elephant in the room)

Last edited by tchsvy : 8th December 2022 at 00:01.
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