[aan nhu mare?]

My mother is the most abusive person I know. She magnifies the most trivial, frivolous things in her mind and projects her negative feelings on those around here.

Unfortunately, I have been the victim at the receiving end of those projections for years. When I was small, she would take up my studies. I cannot remember a day when I didn't receive a knuckle on the head or a hard pinch on my arm. Sometimes it was a hair pulling. And whenever it was none of these, then it was a host of verbal abuses. I was berated to no measure when I got a 8/10 on a test and someone else had scored 10/10. I was made to feel ashamed for even existing because I was such an embarrassment to her.

As the years went by, the physical abuse stopped but the emotional assaults continued. Just yesterday, she was fighting with her mother over how she was not given any jewelry for her wedding (which was over 30 years ago) and how she has always been treated poorly among her siblings. That is just one example of sudden outbursts that she has with no identifiable trigger.

The "reason" cited by her for these outbursts is that she was allegedly ill-treated by her mother-in-law and she vents here anger toward her on anyone else. That mother-in-law has been dead for nearly five years now. Why is this anger still alive?

I am not a doctor, but I suspect she is plagued by some form of schizophrenia. I do not feel an ounce of pity for her due to the way she has behaved and continues to behave with me and anyone else. But I am worried about my own mental well-being. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I am doing anything I can to postpone my marriage because I just know my wife (I don't even know who she is and it doesn't matter) will be subject to the same abuse.

My father subjects me to a different kind of abuse. Nothing I do is good enough for him. He makes these very thinly veiled taunts over the littlest of things. He belittles my opinions and mocks me, that too in front of others. It gets very embarrassing.

My childhood has been a series of such episodes in which I was always the villain. This was in addition to the arguments my parents would have, mostly started by my mother over some insignificant matter which she would magnify a million times.

I keep thinking of suicide just to get away from this hell.

Have any of you ever had to deal with abusive parents? How did you cope with the mental agony and stress? Any help would be much appreciated

[gauravdgr8]

Suicide is not the answer but getting therapy for your mother and yourself is. Why don't you think of taking up a work at a different location and moving away from the environment.

Try talking to your mother and explain how it is impacting you.

[nik0502]

Hi Buddy,

I feel for you. Without going into the details much the only thing I want to suggest you is move out and start living separately probably in a different city. Find a job in a different city, visit your parents once in a while but make yourself detached. That’s the only way to deal with it. While some may suggest counselling and stuff but one Indian parents are old school and they might never agree to it and second old habits die hard so I don’t know to what extent it would be helpful. Move out and find a partner who really cares for you. It is difficult than it sounds. When you are vulnerable in life you always end up making wrong decisions choosing wrong person. So be very sure of the person you choose and move on in life. Don’t think too much about how the society would behave or feel just think about what makes you feel happy and work towards it. It will be difficult in the beginning but eventually everything will work out just fine. Hope you see happy days in your life soon.

[Engine_Roars]

I have been fortunate to have a loving set of parents so i can not relate with your issue however i have had my fair share of struggles and it is an ongoing process so I do know a bit about feeling helpless and hopeless at times.
First and foremost, your life is precious, do not let anyone or anything affect it so much. There is no problem in this world bigger then a man's determination.

Have you explored the idea of shifting to a different city? Is it possible? I think some distance between you guys might do wonders. Apologies if i am just repeating something that you may have heard enough of but there is nothing else that i can think of.

Wish you all the best, stay put, things will get better, they always do.

[ABHI_1512]

Originally Posted by aan nhu mare?

Have any of you ever had to deal with abusive parents? How did you cope with the mental agony and stress? Any help would be much appreciated

I understand that you have had a tough time since your childhood and I sincerely feel your agony and stress. Request you to consult someone more competent from the field of medicine and counselling and talk to your near and dear ones who understand your situation. I am sure you will be able to come out a better person in near future. Suicide is not the solution for anything at all.

[Shreyans_Jain]

The only thing that can be said is that you need to see a psychiatrist. For yourself as well as for your mother. And there are no negative connotations or any kind of judgement in this. A psychiatrist is a doctor, just like a cardiologist or a surgeon or a neurologist.

[ajmat]

I feel for you.

I don’t know how old you are. I went through something similar. Best is to move out and find yourself. I finished my studies and moved away but fate saw me move back to Bangalore. I manage things by

1: Being totally independent - financially and emotionally
2: Having a supportive spouse
3: All will need to seek therapy

It took a lot of time and also having supportive relatives.
I remain a dutiful son but ensure a reasonable distance

Originally Posted by ABHI_1512

I suppose this forum is not an appropriate place to discuss such intrinsic and private affair. Regards.

It might not be but one cannot deny a plea for help

[anjan_c2007]

Reading the first hand, written narrative from you is quite disturbing to the mind.

Firstly, do please have some love and gratitude for your parents. After all, you are whatever you may have become owing to their support. Please also check out the positive side of their behaviour even if the negatives overwhelm the positives. They are parents after all. Brushing away the negatives aside, you can keep these as bad memories and bad dreams, at the most.

And if you feel you have some abnormal psychiatric deficiencies in your mindset, please do seek treatment by a good psychiatrist. You can take feedbacks from your very trusted friends on this matter asking them about your behavioural deficiencies, if any.

And a suggestion to you is to move out to a new independent home of your own. It could be a rented accommodation if you're unable to buy your own property at this juncture.

Start life afresh, try to find a suitable match and settle down.

And suicide, please delete it from your dictionary. It's cowardice and a sitting duck like surrender to the bad dreams that plague your mindset. Life must be lived to its fullest and enjoyed to the hilt by everyone.

[amartya_bhp]

Originally Posted by anjan_c2007

Reading the first hand, written narrative from you is quite disturbing to the mind.

Firstly, do please have some love and gratitude for your parents. After all, you are whatever you may have become owing to their support. Please also check out the positive side of their behaviour even if the negatives overwhelm the positives. They are parents after all. Brushing away the negatives aside, you can keep these as bad memories and bad dreams, at the most.

And if you feel you have some abnormal psychiatric deficiencies in your mindset, please do seek treatment by a good psychiatrist. You can take feedbacks from your very trusted friends on this matter asking them about your behavioural deficiencies, if any.

And a suggestion to you is to move out to a new independent home of your own. It could be a rented accommodation if you're unable to buy your own property at this juncture.

Start life afresh, try to find a suitable match and settle down.

And suicide, please delete it from your dictionary. It's cowardice and a sitting duck like surrender to the bad dreams that plague your mindset. Life must be lived to its fullest and enjoyed to the hilt by everyone.

I agree with the above - parents are the pillars who support us during our formative years and I am sure that their intentions are nothing but good. It is true that oftentimes, we are unable to find reason for their actions, but in their heart, they are always thinking about their children's well-being.

Please talk to an experienced professional and I am sure that life has beautiful things in store for you.

[AltoLXI]

Toxic people - whether they are parents, spouse, co-workers, children - do no good for one's well being. Always keep away from them. Remember we are born only once on this planet and we have a right to live our life in a happy and meaningful way. No point in becoming a target for other person's frustrations. Neither can we go back in time and help one in overcoming their frustrations, whatever they maybe, nor can we live happily trying to live somebody's life.

[CliffHanger]

Just because somebody is mom or dad doesn't mean they cannot be toxic, almost everyone is going to play that role one day.

From Indian culture standpoint, you cannot leave home when you turn 18. Once you become financially independent, just move to some other place in the same city or where you like, do not overthink about shifting out near or where you like. Love and support your toxic mother, but from a little distance. God has created her that way, she is not to be blamed for her mental illness and at the same time you don't have to bear the wrath of her mental illness when it is affecting you severly.

[sunilch]

Originally Posted by aan nhu mare?

Have any of you ever had to deal with abusive parents? How did you cope with the mental agony and stress? Any help would be much appreciated

Not here to share my personal life but I have faced perhaps 20-30% of what you have mentioned here.

But, now you are grownup and a Doctor by profession (your profile says so). So simply do this:

1) Start living independently first, as soon as possible. This will require you to earn and do things on your own for yourself.
2) Develop a hobby to distract yourself from daily routine. You have already listed cooking and traveling. Explore more of those.
3) Do not entertain toxic relations. Simply smile at them when you meet them, say hello if the need be and move on.
4) Find a partner (not desperately though).
5) Consult a physiatrist, if needed. But better to communicate, talk and develop relations with people other than the toxic ones in your current life.
6) Be grateful of your parents of what they have provided you. There are people on this planet who may even not have what you have had. Then move on.


Life will be a bliss after all this.

[libranof1987]

Originally Posted by aan nhu mare?

Any help would be much appreciated

Not sure what stage of life you're in: still studying / working i.e. dependant on them or self-sufficient, but do consider signing up for therapy. If not anything, it'll be at least a safe space for you to share your thoughts vs keeping them bottled in.

In the off chance you cannot afford it (for whatever reason), let me check with wife if she has any contacts that she can refer.

Posting it here has been a very commendable step, and do remember that we're ALL rooting for you.

Wish you the very best.

[m3t4ph0r1c]

This does not really come as a surprise, because atleast 50% of the millenials in India including me have gone through something similar including the suicidal stuff. My parents had turned me into a Tushar kapoor from movie Gayab during childhood with literally no self-confidence. When I moved out, it was like a butterfly coming out of the coccoon, and there is a gigantic difference in my personality compared what I was during my childhood..

The biggest question i have towards you is, why are you still staying with your parents? You can make up thousands of "polite" reasons and move out, live independently.

Being born in a abusive family is not your mistake, but after growing up and still continuing to take their abuses well that is on you..

[V.Narayan]

Originally Posted by aan nhu mare?

My mother is the most abusive person I know. She magnifies the most trivial, frivolous things in her mind and projects her negative feelings on those around here<----->

First give your self a hug. We all need love. Start by loving yourself. Next pat yourself on the back for acknowledging this issue {note its an issue not a problem} and seeking help. Now do one step better and seek help from a qualified psychiatrist. You owe it to yourself. A psychiatrist is a doctor trained to deal with and help us when we are mentally stressed.

As others have correctly advised get financially independent and move out. You are entitled to live with peace of mind. Your post covers only half the story. You'll have to share the full thing with the psychiatrist if he/she is to assist you.

Parents, children and spouses come in all shapes and sizes from the adoring to the toxic. The psychiatrist will want, rather need, to know your mother's point of view too or else he/she cannot do his/her job of helping you build your mechanisms to cope. Also when we are teenagers many of us have serious clashes with our parents I was certainly no exception. Over time we learn to cope better and be kinder.

My best wishes go with you.

Originally Posted by ABHI_1512

Slandering your own parents for whatever reason is not what you should be doing in an open forum.

....similarly preaching to a person seeking help and struggling with a challenge is also something we may choose not to do!!!

I suppose this forum is not an appropriate place to discuss such intrinsic and private affair

And pray why is this forum not an appropriate place to seek help. Within minutes of posting he has received a post from a BHPian whose wife is a psychiatrist and has offered to help connect him. Any source of help is better than no help at all.