[wildsdi5530]

Mod Note: This thread title says 'A driver's satire' and is to be enjoyed as a hilarious read.

Team-BHP strongly discourages unsafe driving practices that put yourself and other road users at risk.

Riding in the city has many advantages compared to driving. Chief among them is the time saved. However there are some techniques to riding fast in the city which will make you reach faster or else you are still going to be as slow as a car. I'm putting forward a few tips and tricks based on my observations. Be informed that all these techniques, though endorsed by the traffic police (At least in Bangalore) are illegal and cause aggravation to other commuters. These tips and tricks are not limited to riders only, brave drivers also attempt several of them.
Disclaimer: It has been 10 years since I've ridden a 2-wheeler and none of these have been tested by me personally.


Wiggle and squeeze
This is an effective technique to make a driver give way. When overtaking a vehicle, ensure that you are in the drivers line of sight and then wiggle your mobike as though losing balance and about to fall. The driver will slow down and you can squeeze int the gap created. This is even more effective if you have a pillion overflowing the seat.

Nudge and Squeeze
In slow moving traffic, you want to move to the other side of a driver, this is what you do. You nudge your front tyre into the gap between the bumpers. This way you are safe from bodily harm, but the driver doesn't know that. Then as the vehicle ahead moves forward, you can move in more fully. This can be done over many lanes. (Auto-rickshaws with their narrow front end and bigger rear are better suited for this maneuver.)

Hanging off the mobike
This is not so much a technique as a medical necessity. This is practices by super bike riders too, but for different reasons. Sitting on a saddle is a pain in the rear, especially if you have coccygodynia or hemorrhoids. So the trick is to sit on one cheek.

wrong side riding
This technique is useful in city roads and on highways. There are 2 kinds namely - wrong side left vs wrong side right. In wrong side left, you stay close to the median for protection. Often used for short distances like to catch a green light or to cross a traffic jam. Lights and horn optional.
Wrong side right is used when riding for longer distances or where traffic is at a higher speed. Here you stay close to the pavement of the wrong side for protection. Light and horn essential.

Footpath riding
This is self explanatory. Pavements are made for walking. In the natural progression of evolution, Walking -> Riding -> Driving, you are eligible to use the pavement for riding your 2-wheeler.

Off-roading
Most 4-wheelers cannot climb a curb of more than a few inches. But a 2-wheeler can be lifted up and carried over any terrain. Hence 2-wheelers are better off-roaders. If stuck in traffic, Just get off the shoulder and ride away to the front.

Window shopping
In Market areas, there is a Hugh variation in prices of the same commodity, However walking to enquire prices is a very cumbersome process. So ride slowly in the middle of the lane to see the shops on both sides to see who has the better offer. Don't bother about the horns of vehicles behind you. Warning - Do not ride in the left or right side of the lane as you may have to turn to either side to park on.

Horn not OK please
Don't horn in traffic unless you have got the rhythm and feel like listening to a tune. In traffic, your horn is not audible enough and certainly not annoying enough to the driver in his air-conditioned 4-wheeler.

Overtake left, turn right
This is an essential technique. Also works as overtake right, turn left. Remember lane discipline is for drivers only.

Riding on one wheel
A simple trick to clear traffic ahead of you (a la Bruce Almighty) is to pop a wheelie in the crowded road. Magically a path is created for you.

Burrowing into Jam
This is very important in traffic dense roads. When vehicles are stopped at a traffic jam, Squeeze into the last available gap in any direction and then switch off your mobike. Remember to start only after the way ahead has cleared.

Torticollis syndrome
Torticollis is a congenital bend in the neck. In this busy lifestyle, where everyone needs to be on the phone all the time or crores of rupees will be lost, this is a life saving technique. This involves cradling your mobile phone in between your neck and Left shoulder. Do not use the right shoulder as we live in a country where we drive on the left side of the road and vision will be compromised. There are scientific reasons for all guidelines. It helps if you also have a squint. A less elegant method is to convert your cheap helmet into a high tech one by lodging a Mobile phone into your helmet again on the left side.

Staring at the sky
In hot weather, this is a life saver. This involves wearing a helmet in such a way that the chin guard is over your forehead. Your face is free to enjoy the wind blast. Seen from behind it looks as though you are staring at the sky and not the road, so no one will come close.

Traffic regulation in a 2+2 lane carriageway.
This is a skill perfected by older riders and sometimes fair riders. This involves riding on the center marking at your comfortable speed and performing a wiggle every time someone approaches on either lane behind you as seen in the rear view mirrors.

Guaranteed parking
When there is no parking available at the designated 2-wheeler parking area, go to where the cars are parallel parked. There is always space between 2 cars where you can park and the driver will not move for fear of damaging his bumper.


Hope this post was entertaining. Please feel free to add pictures and videos demonstrating these techniques. Also add your own observations.

[DicKy]

Originally Posted by wildsdi5530

Wiggle and squeeze
Nudge and Squeeze
Hanging off the mobike
wrong side riding
Footpath riding
Off-roading
Window shopping
Horn not OK please
Overtake left, turn right
Riding on one wheel
Burrowing into Jam
Torticollis syndrome
Staring at the sky
Traffic regulation in a 2+2 lane carriageway.
Guaranteed parking
Hope this post was entertaining. Please feel free to ass pictures and videos demonstrating these techniques. Also add your own observations.

Each point is SO AND

So frustrating that the two wheeled types just suck away the little driving pleasure that we can derive from our roads. In fact, we use to joke that when it rains or on the day of Attukal Pongal, or in the wee hours of night, our roads look just beautiful and a joy to drive.[/i][/b]

The unnecessary anxiety, the braking, gear changes, dents, scratches... could just go on.
And to make it worse, my place has more bikers than anything, even with a decent public transport.
In fact, was talking with my friend last night, and the topic of bikers came up.
Why, that India has way more considerable number of 2 wheelers, compared to places that have less purchasing power or even higher fuel costs.
Outside India, it is Taiwan, Vietnam and some areas in Africa, while China leapfrogged from bicycles to cars.

Possible reasons
1. Fuel expense, obviously.
2. Our road conditions before the 2000s.
3. Wide availability of cheap sub 200cc motorcycles.
4. Our license raj lead to low supply of cars in the market, and even more scarce affordable options in the used car market.

[dhanushmenon]

Ha ha ha. Hilarious post man.

This is something that's a gospel truth in Indian roads:
"I will ride in the opposite lane for 3 Kms to reach a break in median; But I wont ride 1 Km in the right lane. Lest I have to take a U turn and come back!"

Also, honking is an art which needs to be mastered before you take to any inch of the tarmac. You honk if there is a vehicle ahead of you, if there is no vehicle ahead of you, for a pedestrian crossing, at a dog taking a leak by the road side and even for the traffic signal when it turns red! I guess repetitive honking gives will power to traffic signals to change colour magically to green.

[ChiragM]

Each and every point is something all car drivers face everyday. And we have to hold our frustrations inside knowing that shouting at these people makes no sense.

It's always the car driver who is blamed regardless of who made the mistake.

The country needs to come with some strict rule enforcement and riding tests to reduce such incidences.

Regarding two-wheelers on footpaths, one must move out of the way. If the pedestrian does not move out of the way. He/she will be run over for sure. Some of these guys just don't care.

You can also add helmets meant for protecting the rider's hand instead of the head to the list.

[ArizonaJim]

Speaking of horn honking, there are several types of riders and each holds a unique title.

There is The Novice.

These are known for indiscreetly blowing their horns at every opportunity and without cause.
They sometimes blow their horns even when no living thing except themselves are around to hear it. Although this may seem strange, they are just practicing. Think of it as crawling before you can walk.
Because horn blowing is one of the easier things to do on a motorcycle and the beginning rider wants to look like they are a master of riding as soon as possible, they can’t wait to show the world what they have accomplished.

Then, there is The Apprentice.

These have mastered basic horn blowing so well that their finger rarely slips off of the button when they want to toot.
They have learned to limit the number of horn blows to less than 25 per kilometer when traffic is light.
They are beginning to learn that their horn has a limited life and after blowing it 8500 times it can fail. The Novice and The Apprentice keep horn companies in business and because of the high volume in sales and production, horns aren’t really expensive to replace.

Even with this knowledge, the blasts of their horns usually just add to the din rather than adding any useful sound but because their honks are not done as often as the Novice’s, they are making progress.

The Rider.

The Rider has learned that blowing the horn when people and animals are not around is a waste of the horns life and because they have figured out what their horn sounds like, they rarely toot it unless they can see a person or a auto. Sometimes, old habits will kick in and they will give the horn a blast even if the person or auto is nowhere near them.
It does look silly to see a Rider honking at an unoccupied car but, progress is being made.

The Graduate.

Here we have someone who has mastered horn blowing so he almost never honks his horn unless there is someone or something in his way.
Of course, when riding in a city, there are always someone or something in the way but at least the horn blowing has a legitimate purpose.
The Graduate almost never blows the horn just to hear the sound.

The Master.

The Master never blows his horn unnecessarily. They reserve their horn for situations where there is truly a need and the cause of the problem can actually hear it.
Of course, because everyone is so use to hearing horns blow they will totally ignore the noise and continue to do whatever is causing the problem.

The PHD.

Here we have the person who has advanced far beyond The Master who not only doesn’t honk at every opportunity or for any reason but we have someone who has turned horn blowing into an art.

This is not easy to do but The PHD can turn horn blowing into a pleasant experience for anyone who takes the time to listen.

The PHD never blows his horn without first listening for the beat and tempo of the horns around him. He will then time his blasts to either reinforce the beat or he may choose to add his horns melody in syncopation with the blasts with his horn honking between the others basic honks.
Often, if you hear the Doctor of Horn Blowing’s additions you will even hear multiple smaller toots in syncopation and a major toot in time with the rhythm of the others.
This is all done with just one dexterous Digit, or, one exceptionally talented finger if you will.

This is truly rare but if you’ve been privileged to hear it, it will give you cause to expand on your own personal horn blowing talent.
Who knows? Maybe someday you too can become a Doctor of Horn Blowing.

[GKMahajan]

Originally Posted by wildsdi5530

Mod Note: This thread title says 'A driver's satire' and is to be enjoyed as a hilarious read.

Team-BHP strongly discourages unsafe driving practices that put yourself and other road users at risk.


Wiggle and squeeze

Nudge and Squeeze

Hanging off the mobike

wrong side riding

Footpath riding

Off-roading

Window shopping

Horn not OK please

Overtake left, turn right

Riding on one wheel

Burrowing into Jam

Torticollis syndrome

Staring at the sky

Traffic regulation in a 2+2 lane carriageway.

Guaranteed parking

Wow! Double Wow!!

Dear wildsdi5530,

First take a bow. You are very good at this. The contents are good. The presentation is also good. I like the fact that the Mods added a comment. However, after reading the whole thing, I felt it was not really required.

Anyway, let me add my two cents:

Vulture driving
In this style, just like vultures taking off or landing, the driver keeps two legs just one inch from the ground instead of on the foot rest. This way, insurance companies do not have to settle any claims for 'crash landing'! The fact that the rider has taken away place next to the vehicle also ensures that the rider gets more 'fresh' air!

High Beam Driving
In this style, the rider actually assumes that he needs to see the road for the next km or so, irrespective of what the others on the road can or cannot see! An additional advantage of this technique is that the insurance companies are saved money - after all the other have now reduced their average velocities resulting in lesser accidents! This style/technique is more or less equally effective in day on night!

I am sure that if I spend some more time thinking about this - my 'two' cents might become a 'dollar'! So, let me stop for now!

Girish Mahajan

[Lone Ranger]

Oh this is totally hilarious! It's so true that the best humour has strong roots in reality! I would like to add one more

The devoted parent
Drop your precious child to school everyday. Leave late from your house in order to teach your child not to waste his/her time on the road. After all, time is precious. Jump every signal on the way, therby teaching your child that in today's competitive world, you have to make your own rules and be a disrupter. If any other road user honks/admonishes you and interrupts your one on one time with your child, seize the moment to improve your child's vocabulary. After all, this is the language that will be more useful to him than whatever Shakespeare wrote 200 years ago.
Finally drop your ward off at school. Reach your place of work. Pass the time by chatting with colleagues on how how schools are doing such a bad job while fleecing you with scandalous fees.