[docsr]

Thanks for all the support and sound advice. Truly appreciated.

[IamNikhil]

Glad to know that all of you are safe, Sir.

Can understand the jitters your daughter must be getting after this unsavoury episode. It's always more painful to be involved in an accident for no fault of your own.

You should try planning road trips with her and the family, with you driving yourself and let her ride shotgun. She should feel comfortable to be sitting in the car again, that is more important. You should allow her time to get acclimatized to the feel of being in the same car. Alternatively, if you have a second car, maybe she might feel more comfortable driving that to start regaining her confidence again. Baby steps.

At the end of the day, with the kind of rash driving prevalent across the country, one has to steel themselves mentally.

Hope she manages to get back into the driver's seat soon; she has many many years ahead of enjoying the true pleasure of driving. Take care.

[landcruiser123]

Glad to know there was no serious injury in the accident.

Give your daughter some time and space. At some point, she's bound to miss the freedom (peer pressure, college activities, visiting friends etc) and ask you/mom to help her regain confidence.

You are a doctor (I'm guessing) - maybe you can judge (better than most others!) for signs of PTSD (while she's riding shotgun) after a few weeks/months?

[karanddd]

She's right to be spooked, by the accident and by the manner in which police deals with people. It's fair enough she doesn't want to drive in this country, even I feel that more often than not. Nothing you can do about it I think

[tiagoatrix]

Confidence and fearlessness are must to drive in our country. If there's a fear to drive, then you are going to be intimidated by the rouge drivers on road.

We all faced a minor /major accident or at least a close call. It's only our confidence in our own driving skill that helps us hold the wheel again and again.

My suggestion is that your daughter should join a professional driving school. To gain her confidence and improve her skills.

Driving gives a person more independence in their life, if she doesn't want to drive again, then you should give her some time, slowly a need will arise where she might have to drive independently. Till then help her improve her skills.

[dgoyle]

I am not surprised at her reaction and she will slowly come to terms with it.

I write this post to let you know that I too have been through a similar situation. I had a 'could be fatal' accident on Jaipur highway (I had handed over the car to my driver 20 km prior to the site of the accident, just short of Amer Fort).

From an enthusiast, I became withdrawn and scared - traveling intercity by train and air - something I avoided before.

Soon after the crash a new replacement car was bought, a sedan, a sedate one (Etios) - demonstrating the impact on the psyche.

It took me time to recover - almost 2 years. The recovery started by taking the wheel again on the highway. Now I am out of it. Zip Zap Zoom all the way - trips to Leh, Himachal, Madya Pradesh.

In Airforces around the globe, crashes happen (it's a professional hazard, at times fatal too). In 12 - 24 hrs post-crash all pilots on the station are ordered to undertake a sortie (all pilots).

In hindsight, it would have been better if I took another car and went onto the highway the very next day. It would have healed me faster.

I recall these incidents to encourage proactive measures - some of which are listed in earlier posts.

Psychological help can be taken, if there are additional symptoms of regressive nature. Parents are the best psychologists and a word of encouragement from a father and mother goes a much longer way than anything else. Remain proactive and supportive.

[ArTigor]

I have been in a major accident on my classic 350 back in 2013, the crash was at 80 kmph on a highway due to dog suddenly running into my bike. It resulted in a broken collar bone, 4 broken ribs, damaged scapula, ruptured knee ligament, 1 major surgery, 2 months of being completely bed ridden, and restricted leg movement for life. After I recovered I used to be terrified by the thot of even riding a bike. Initially I used to ask a friend to ride my bike while I accompany as a pillion, but the moment bike used to gain speed, say 40-50 kmph, I used to be shivering. Eventually I started riding in slow moving city traffic in Bhopal, and only 8-9 months later did I start taking out my bike on highways, and even today I barely cross 60 kmph kn my Classic.

What I see is there is an emotionally sensitive scenario, yes your daughter would be frightened due to this episode, more than being terrified of driving, she is terrified of the roads it seems. As few members suggested, take her on long rides and possibly some short cycling and biking sessions, once she gains confidance of our road conditions, encourage her to drive within your locality. Let it go slow, she will eventually gain the comfort. Socializing & meeting up with friends frequently, plays a major role in coming back to normal after such events, but given current pandemic situation, the lack of social environments are an added burden to emotional recovery.

[viXit]

I am eighteen years old and can understand the feeling. I rear ended a car day before yesterday and can't Stop worrying about the outcome. I'm sure I'm going to get a call asking to foot the bills for the repairs come Monday.

The first thing my dad told me was that shit happens. But 9/10 times, we can avoid it. By maintaining safe distances and defensive driving. That was my fault, I was too close to brake in time when he panic braked.

But more often than not, our roads are unforgiving. And getting a device like a dual channel dashcam to record everything, might give her some peace of mind. I don't have sweaty palms when I'm driving and know that everything is recorded in case an accident occurs.

Monetary Damage makes me feel guilty but that's what insurance is for right?

This might be the stupidest idea here, but if she's even mildly interested in tech, you should do the shortlisting for a dashcam together. It could be fun to learn and install it, and also instill some confidence in her that she's safe and an eye is watching. To prove her innocence in case an accident occurs.

Road trips on amazing roads that will make her want to be the driver can be step two. But we bhpians are a different breed. Touchwood, I have not been in a major accident, but I cannot think of anything that can shake my love for driving.

I crashed into a pillar in the parking lot once and cried because of guilt. But it didn't take me long to get back driving.
It will definitely take a while for anyone that's not as crazy as us.

[Newtown]

There is not time needed at all sir. Just get back at the wheel immediately.

The outcome would almost 99.99% be the same had it been any other driver or car combination. A 10 year old at the wheel with an inebriated elder person by their side is a recipe for disaster.

Please tell your daughter that this is a positive sign that no one was hurt and it just serves as one of life's lessons on the kind of people who drive. This has nothing to do with maturity or age or anything like that.

Chin up and hit the road again. It will all be okay.

[The Observer]

First of all, am glad no one was grievously injured.

Please congratulate your daughter on my behalf for keeping a calm head during the entire episode, sometimes even experienced hands can panic and make the bad move.

My dad took 6 months to drive again after his rather serious accident that by God's Grace wasn't fatal.

I humbly suggest to give your daughter enough time to regain the confidence and the desire to get behind the wheels again. It's not easy to figure out what goes on in one's head, I will even suggest some sort of therapeutic counseling if you haven't already tried.

Though to us it seems like all ended well, in her mind she might be going through many what if scenarios and that may be the reason why she s not ready to drive yet. Our brains are not as well understood as other organs.

We should give an individual the space and their own time while providing support and encouragement to recover, it's not black and white but in time, in her own time ( and not necessarily by how and when we feel is "normal") she will get back to it, she may even decide not to, but that is still her choice.

Happy parenting and safe driving.

[Jatin247]

I turned 19 recently and learned driving when I was 17. I don’t have much experience but few things which my dad told me when I was learning were :
1) Drive sedately, don’t rush.
2) You can always be driving carefully but you can’t trust others on the road. So, keep your eyes open.
3) You can’t prevent minor damages, a car is meant for road and it should be driven.
4) Don’t be overconfident.

I have been driving car for over 2 years now and in these 2 years I have had my share of collisions.
One time while reversing I didn’t see there was a car behind on the left and till the time reverse camera started, the damage had already been done, rear light broke and bumper had some scratches. Honestly, after this incident I have always been so much more careful while reversing. One always learns from experiences and I feel once you have had an accident(I don’t mean one should try) you become a better driver. All my friends too started driving more carefully after smashing their car once and that too when the mistake was theirs.
I feel you should encourage her and even take her forcefully to drive, if she doesn’t agree and do tell her as car is driven small damages/wear&tear is bound to happen

[ishan12]

This reminds me of the time when my father had just taught me riding a motorcycle. Since I was learning, whenever we went out together, he would always sit pillion and asked me to ride.
We were going to get some stuff for home. Me riding, dad sitting pillion and my little sister in the middle. I didn't understand the concept of waiting till the adjacent lane is clear to do an overtake, or may be I was just naive and ignorant or didn't understand how it's done. All the while I was riding, dad was guiding me from behind on what to do.
There was a speed breaker and an auto rickshaw in front, it slowed to a dead stop and before dad could say anything, I just proceeded to overtake it, totally ignoring a bus coming in from the opposite lane. We barely escaped hitting the bus, motorcycle stuck between bus and the auto, I was barely able to ride through with dad brushing his shoulders with the auto. My little sister screamed and started crying. I was extremely scared and shaken.

We got to the shop bought stuff we needed to and when coming back I handed the key to dad and said, I am too scared to ride again today, you ride the bike and let me sit pillion.
To my surprise, he totally refused. He said, you bought us here, and you will take us back too. Things like these happen, and they happen even more so when you are learning. You need to get over the fear. During learning there could be times when you would even take a fall and get bruised. Explained to me what was it that I did wrong and how to avoid it in future. I rode back with both of them as pillions and never looked back.
I am glad that he didn't go soft on me that day and insisted that I ride the motorcycle back. I learned a valuable lesson. That shit happens, you just need to keep going and improving yourself.

[noopster]

Hi docsr,

You seem to be caring and sensitive parents and I laud you for it. One way of looking at this situation is gently explaining to your daughter that sometimes you can do everything right, play by the rules, exercise all due caution and still fail. That’s life.

Rather than avoid the problem, help your daughter face and overcome it. Others here have given practical advice on how she may become inclined to learn to love to drive again. My suggestion is: instead of avoiding long drives, do more of them. You drive and let your daughter ride shotgun. One day when she is relaxed and you sense the timing is right, pull over and offer the wheel to her. Do this in a quiet, familiar place where the chances of another mishap are low. Don’t fret or make a big deal if she refuses. But give it some time and repeat this- at some point she will agree.

I tried this approach when my wife, who was already an expert driver, refused to touch the wheel of our Vento for a long time citing she did not feel safe driving an automatic. Predictably, after refusing a couple of times she eventually actually asked to take over one time and took to it like a fish to water.

Your daughter’s case may be slightly more complicated because of the trauma involved but she will gradually get over it. Keep the positive affirmation on in the meantime: the kid is a good driver, she has great instincts and prioritises safety above all. These are all things to be praised, and vocally.

All the best!

[Babruvahanaaaaa]

Originally Posted by docsr

So how can I help her regain her confidence?

I think I'm qualified to answer this as I was in this exact situation 5 years ago.

Long story short, a huge asphalt carrying truck hit the right side of my Hyundai Verna in crawling traffic, wrecking my right rear fender, rear right door and front right door. There was no fault of mine. Thankfully no one were hurt. But, The truck driver , who was inebriated, went into fight mode. I was 18 and was travelling with my friends, but locals sided with me and cornered the culprit. I informed my family about the situation. Mother made a few phone calls and recovered some damage money. Claimed insurance and my car was spanking new again.

Post accident, my mother, obviously enraged, cut my car privileges. I too lost confidence and vowed to never drive again. Me being a petrolhead, felt really bad and went into sulking. It killed me when I travelled t by public transport. I had no 2-wheeler privileges either. It took around 2 months for me to get back my confidence. My mother, made peace with the mishap and boosted my confidence.

Bottomline is she needs time. She needs to understand that accidents and mishaps are part of the learning curve and are totally natural. Nobody is born a perfect driver. Such things happen to the best of us and the only way out is to accept the reality, kill the demons, pull yourself up and get back on your feet. Post this, there hasn't been a single scratch on the car except for stuff like biker side-swiping,or minor paint transfers (my apartment parking complex is designed badly). My mother and my family have been my biggest support to get through this. I too was urging to get back to the pedal, albeit with a more conservative mindset this time around. Since then, I've matured as a driver and am more mindful while driving.

Your support and encouragement will help a great deal. I'm pretty sure she will be back on her toes. Cheers!

[Gansan]

My son obtained his DL in 2019 December when he was 19. Within a couple of months Covid happened and there has not been much driving for him. However I make him drive at least once a week to remain in touch. I often drive my wife to her office,and make him drive every Saturday. Because he has online classes on week days.

In August 2020 when he was taking a U turn opposite the old airport in Chennai, a biker came straight at us from inside the airport on the wrong side and our car knocked him down. My son was watching to his left for on coming vehicles while entering the U turn and did not notice the biker coming from the opposite direction. Since the car was going very slowly no damage to either party.

But the experience unnerved him and I could see his confidence ebbing. I sharply ordered him to complete the U turn and proceed straight. I made him drive non stop for about 50 km and reassured him these things happen, and always to expect the unexpected. He calmed down. There should not be a break in driving, otherwise the confidence may be lost. I still don't allow him independent trips yet, but whenever we take the car out he drives.

Reassure your daughter and encourage her to drive as often as possible.