Team-BHP > Shifting gears


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Old 21st February 2024, 10:39   #46
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Re: Dealing with the loss of a loved one

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Originally Posted by rajeevsulu View Post
They said "Time Heals".
It didn't. It has not even dulled the pain.
Rajeevsulu
+1
I don't know what to say! I'll keep you in my prayers!
I lost my brother 2.5 months back and my life has never been the same since then.

Last edited by Latheesh : 21st February 2024 at 10:42.
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Old 21st February 2024, 11:26   #47
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Re: Dealing with the loss of a loved one

I lost my father two days back (19th Feb) to cancer. I opened my laptop today to take care of some work related things and opened TBHP as its my routine and saw this in Hot Threads. Don't know whether to call it a coincidence or something else. So I thought I had to post here. I have been making BNG-Chennai-BNG trips every 15 days in car (have also posted in the Bangalore-Chennai route thread) for the last 6 months for this. As told during Covid times, this is the new normal for me and my family, but now it looks very bleak. For last 6 months my dad wanted help with lot of things and me and my brother were so involved with him that our whole day revolved around him. Suddenly today morning I feel there is nothing to do, an empty void. Yes, this too shall pass, but the person sized hole left behind will be permanent.
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Old 21st February 2024, 13:08   #48
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Re: Dealing with the loss of a loved one

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I lost my father two days back (19th Feb) to cancer.
I am so sorry. My heartfelt condolences, dear friend. Stay strong, my dear friend.
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Old 21st February 2024, 14:32   #49
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Re: Dealing with the loss of a loved one

Three years have slipped by since I lost my father, and not a day passes without feeling his absence like a weight on my heart. His voice, once a constant presence, now echoes only in memories. Every morning and evening, without fail, he'd call, his first words always, "Did you eat something?" At the time, I brushed it off as parental concern, yet I couldn't shake the feeling that it meant more. It wasn't until he was gone that I realized the depth of his care, the unspoken love behind those simple words. I'd often skip breakfast, a habit formed during my hostel days, much to his dismay.

But now, in his absence, I understand. And so, every day, I find myself echoing his question, reaching out to my daughter, silently conveying the love and concern that my father once showed me.

Life's fragility hits home hard sometimes. A dear friend, a prominent figure here on the forum, has suffered a cardiac arrest. The pain of losing his mother, witnessing her life slip away, shook him to his core. But miraculously, he's bounced back, healthy and whole once more. It's a stark reminder for all of us to tread carefully, to hold life delicately in our hands.

Last edited by jeeva : 21st February 2024 at 14:59.
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Old 21st February 2024, 14:46   #50
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Re: Dealing with the loss of a loved one

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It's a stark reminder for all of us to tread carefully, to hold life delicately in our hands.
My heartfelt condolences, dear friend. It is indeed a very stark reminder. Stay strong, my friend.
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Old 21st February 2024, 14:56   #51
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Re: Dealing with the loss of a loved one

Last year had been a bit tough on me. Lost four close family members and a well wisher at regular intervals. While their departure didn't affect my day to day life, their sudden disappearance created a vacuum that has been rather difficult to fill in.

But every time I go into melancholy thinking about them, I take recourse in the timeless tale of Kisa Gotami's encounter with the Buddha and try to move on.
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Last edited by graaja : 24th February 2024 at 15:52. Reason: As requested
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Old 21st February 2024, 16:25   #52
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Re: Dealing with the loss of a loved one

Just yesterday I was reading the below poem and thought of sharing it here.

Source: Saba Mahjoor's Instagram Post
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Old 21st February 2024, 17:57   #53
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Re: Dealing with the loss of a loved one

This thread appeared at a perfect time for me. My mother passed away few weeks back while i was away for work. Rituals kept us occupied for two weeks but now the absence starts to bite.

Quote:
Originally Posted by amol4184 View Post
there is one comment that I found on Reddit that hit the nail on its head. Reading that comment was like turning pages back in my life after dad's passing. So accurate and so touching.

I am going to copy and paste that comment here for better visibility but the original text can be found here. Its beautiful.
The Reddit post is really nice, thanks for sharing. Me and my siblings found it cathartic and consoling.

While it is probably easier for us younger folks to move on with our jobs and other activities, i feel my Dad is finding it quite difficult to adjust. They were married for 50+ years and went through a lot of ups and downs of life together. Being a retired person forced to move to a new city to be with us, the lack of a social circle and ways to keep him occupied are a big concern for me now. Will keep looking for ideas to engage him.
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Old 21st February 2024, 18:35   #54
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Re: Dealing with the loss of a loved one

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Rituals kept us occupied for two weeks but now the absence starts to bite.
I went through this stage and it was very depressing, to say the least. From the hospital to the burial site and then onwards till the 13 th day ceremony, it was a blur. Also dealing with her office formalities, it kept the days tolerable. The problem used to start at night, all alone, only your memories for company, familiar spaces, but, missing the most important person.
I struggled to keep my emotions in check. I detest crying. When I lost my dad, I was 7.I never cried. To this day, I don't cry. I hurt.
Take care, be strong.
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Old 22nd February 2024, 13:04   #55
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Re: Dealing with the loss of a loved one

The void left by departure of parents is very deep and take time to fill. Maybe it can never be filled completely till you also go away. It is like an umbrella has been taken away and you are now faced with the hot sun of life. Their blessings are unseen protection and their going away makes one very vulnerable.
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Old 22nd February 2024, 13:11   #56
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Re: Dealing with the loss of a loved one

Dealing with loved one is heart wrenching indeed.

Eventually I'll sum up what I discovered (rather what was revealed to me by life) in a single line - "Way IN is the Way OUT!!"
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Old 23rd February 2024, 15:23   #57
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Adieu


Adieu


Dealing with the loss of a loved one-mumse.jpg

How do you thank someone who was responsible for your very existence? How do you express your gratitude to someone who lived their entire life with the sole objective of making your life better? There are times and occasions where words hardly seem to do justice to what you want to express and this is definitely one such occasion.

If we are what we are today and I take the liberty here of speaking for my sisters as well, it is because of our mother. ”Mumse” as I used to call her lovingly was by far the single most influential person in our lives. For as long as I can remember, she was the fulcrum around which all of us revolved, my late Dad included. In times of crisis, minor or otherwise, she was the person, to whom we all headed for a solution and we were never disappointed. She lived her entire life worrying about our well-being. Always standing by my father, as he discharged his duties to the extended family and on the rare occasion when she had a varied opinion, she nudged us in the right direction. “Far ahead of her times “- This term seems to have been coined just for her. She was so far head in her outlook of life, that many in the extended family, even the next generation, sought her guidance.

The last few months had been extremely difficult for her. In and out of the hospital, it broke my heart and brought tears to my eyes to see her lying in bed, with a multitude of tubes assisting her in that very fundamental of tasks, “breathing”. She, who was our ROCK, our pillar of strength at all times, needed our assistance for the very basic of activities. We were devastated to see her in that state. On the last such occasion, when she held my hand and requested me to take her home, come what may, my sisters and I decided that we had to go by her wishes.

The last few weeks, we nursed her at home, my sisters and I were by her bedside constantly, holding her hand and comforting her. Despite being in considerable distress, she kept on enquiring, if we had eaten. When I pleaded with her to sleep, the day before she left us, she told me that she was ok and asked me to go and get some sleep. How do you even begin to express your gratitude to someone, who despite being in such severe anguish, is still thinking about your comfort and well-being - just way beyond my comprehension and linguistic ability.

Life, post my mother’s demise, has been extremely daunting. Till the rituals were completed and there were a lot of people around, it was easier to deal with the pain of the loss. However, after the relatives left and since due to circumstances, I was left to fend for myself alone, it has been extremely difficult. To stay alone in the house that you spent more than four decades with your mother, brings a flood of memories at each turn. Every nook and corner has a story, nay many stories to tell.

Despite being there beside her, the last couple of months, I am plagued with guilt. Did I do enough? Could I have spent more time with her? Did I miss out on something which could have made her last few days more comfortable, made her stay with us a bit longer? Have I discharged my duties as a son with some modicum of responsibility? As I walk around the house, which all of a sudden seems so silent and empty, I am only comforted by the thought, that as she had done all her life, for one last time, she, in her all-pervasive magnanimity and love for me, would graciously forgive my shortcomings and failings.

I miss you Mumse!!
.
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Old 23rd February 2024, 16:13   #58
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Re: Adieu

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Originally Posted by Ganapathy View Post

Despite being there beside her, the last couple of months, I am plagued with guilt. Did I do enough? Could I have spent more time with her? Did I miss out on something which could have made her last few days more comfortable, made her stay with us a bit longer? Have I discharged my duties as a son with some modicum of responsibility? As I walk around the house, which all of a sudden seems so silent and empty, I am only comforted by the thought, that as she had done all her life, for one last time, she, in her all-pervasive magnanimity and love for me, would graciously forgive my shortcomings and failings.
Nothing that I or any other bhpian can say will make any amends to the pain and grief you are going through. But I'd say this with guarantee without any any shred of doubt - yes, you definitely did all you could. But it is never going to be enough in your mind and that's something you will have to make your peace over time.

I'd suggest this outlook - she spent her last few days surrounded by her family and the people she loved and she herself was concerned the most about. Any day that's better than spending the last few days/hours in an hospital attended by strangers. By the limited details you have shared, clearly she's lived her life among her family and to the best case possible. In short, she's had a great life and the proof is in the span of impact she's had around her.

Cherish her memories, grieve her absence (it's good to do that) and hopefully time will very soon mend your pain. When possible, spend more time with your sisters and other close family members who would be in similar state of grief over the coming days. It will only help all of you move ahead.
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Old 23rd February 2024, 17:36   #59
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Re: Adieu

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Originally Posted by Ganapathy View Post

Adieu

I miss you Mumse!!
.
You have done all you can and more. These are the same questions that plagued me and still do at times. Did I do enough and at the right time? Well, we are never going to know, are we?. What I have learned over the last 15 months is to cherish the lovely memories that we have and to live as a decent version of the person they would have wanted us to be.
These are things that I learnt on this thread. Stay courageous.
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Old 24th February 2024, 10:26   #60
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Re: Adieu

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ganapathy View Post

Adieu



I miss you Mumse!!
.
I'm sorry for your loss, Ganapathy. It is so true that our world completely shatters when what we see through our eyes from our day 1, cannot be seen anymore. I myself lost my dad two years back. Being just out of my teens, it was quite hard to come into terms. Me and my dad had a weird dynamic. We never expressed our love towards each other, openly. I even never had the proper dad-son talks. We used to land in verbal arguments frequently, but they were only for those few minutes of outburst. My dad returns to normalcy pretty quickly, unlike my sister or mom, with whom I've kept mum for two-three days at a strech.

Being a late born child also had its cons as my dad never understood my thought processes, nor could I his. The turning point however was a surgery, which impacted his health severely. Post surgery, I got understand him a lot more. He was like an animal being caged. He's not used to being at home always. That was clearly visible in his irate reactions, towards the end. But, he was a happy-go-lucky guy. Everyone in my family adored him. He was so simple and genuine. Even till the eve of his death, he was merry in his ways.

His death was a shock to me the most. I was unable to express, or rather suppressed my emotions cause my mom and sister were a mess. I didn't want my mom to worry about me. I was numb for a couple of months post his demise. When things began to tone down at home, my shit hit the fan. All those emotions came out as a one giant wave. I used to cry myself to sleep somedays, or loose my train of thought when doing some work.

I've recouped my self bit by bit, but yet to recover fully. Infact, I believe I have posted in this same thread a while back.

It is ok to ask for help. It may take time to express your internal feelings , even to your near and dears. You can also reflect about yourself.

Do not stress about you whether what you did was enough. I'm sure being a loved one, you would've given the utmost attention and care. They will never fail to notice that. It's that, they acknowledge it silently.

Our well wishers will never leave our side, is what I like to beleive. When we are in distress, they work silently to see us being happy

Last edited by subie_socal : 24th February 2024 at 10:29. Reason: Missed out a para
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