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-   -   Travails of the married guys!! (https://www.team-bhp.com/forum/shifting-gears/45669-travails-married-guys.html)

Hey guys,

Had this question on my mind for several months now but never thought that I will be actually posting it here.

However, having seen several other married men from office & my social cirlce being affected with the same problem that I was facing, I thought of throwing the floor open to this question.

The biggest challenge for a free drifting spirit (also called as a bachelor) who keeps visiting places before getting married is to convince his wife to allow him on adventures after getting married.

Hence, these free flowing spirits who wandered wherever they wanted earlier now face a challenge even to drive/go out to the closest adventure/nature spot because either their spouse is too worried about their safety or because the wives want to join too never knowing that guys sometime need to "chill" out once in a while with guy-talks doing the rounds at such outings.

So the big question is:

How do you convince your wife/girlfriend to let you go on a trip/trek where you cannot take her along & it's is going to be an all-guys tripcheers:

Last July I had a major challenge in convincing my wife to let me go to a trek in the Sahyadris. She was worried for my safety. She eventually let me go ahead but said that this is going to be my last trek(atleast for this year) whereas I used to have 2-3 treks a year when I was a bachelor.

I understand with marriage you also have additional responsibilities hence your outings may be rationed but I am talking about how to convince your wife on letting you go on such outings with minimum amount of effort.

Any inputs or tried & tested methodologies are welcome!!

we don't lol:.

seriously, you have to take her along everywhere you go. The last all guys trip i did was for drinks and food at hooters (good memories). but a day long trip for adventure is out of question. the best way is to take her along, and let her enjoy the scenery while you do your stuff. you will adjust better once you have kids.

Find her some girlfriends and encourage them to do their own thing once in a while. Usually the prefered activity is shopping and is known to wear out credit card.

you are asking a right question in the wrong forum -- you cannot convince your wife to let you chill out that too alone without her -- you have to take her along

I have the advantage of having seen both sides of the fence from both sides.

I think the first step is to enjoy things together.

Then the second step is to allow each other individual space. This is where your trek comes in.

There is no technique, to tell you the truth. It depends upon your communication as partners and the nature of your spouse.
The best you can do is explain to your spouse that you need a little space and would like to have an all-guys time-out once in a while. If you are clear and sensitive in your approach and offer her the same that you ask for, I am sure she will understand.

However, the spouse is a woman and women are simply designed to be complex and difficult in all matters. It is the way life is created.

Good Luck!

they never understand the phrase " all guys time out " - at least my wife doesnt.
girls day out however is a given men are supposed to understand according to her
as sam says - the species is complex..engines vengines,tyres wires,ICE VICE is simpler

i just work around "my guys night out" when she visits her parents

Also try planning a guys night out within a couple days of accepting a dinner invitation from your in laws.(before or after)
My wife generally is easy to convince then

shopping doesnt help. dont try it. Shopping iss just a temporary feel gooder for a day you screwed up!

other than that you will need to wait a couple years when she is more secure- kids will change things quicker(as a fellow bhpian has pointed out)

Universal problem, no silver bullet solution, just keep trying, some time you succeed and other time, you get a mental note of what not to do next time.

-Pramod

Well, there isn't any tried & tested method when it comes to relationships. As Sam said, you have try and include her in all the activities and then talk it out for a one off all boys sessions, which shall also apply for your partner.

And believe me, you ought to be extremely lucky for having your way all the time in relationships.

I have to agree.
Pack her off to her parents place. works like a charm everytime:D
and like magma said- shopping will not help much. its quickly forgotten.

when kids get there, we wont feel like going out with friends, we'll feel like staying home with the kids.
Atleast, thats how it is with me.

Your wife is your best friend, you can depend upon, bank upon and live the rest of your life with, (yes I am married for the past 10 years).

This isn't what i would call something which you can joke upon,yes it takes time, i did take a lot of time out when i used to work, unfortunately for my wife, I used to work night shifts, she used to work dayshifts, so my boys/colleagues night out used to be at the last end of night, twilight. And well since it was a love marriage, we were on a communication base as to what we wanted and did not want.

I would encourage you to first find the communication medium, yes its difficult, but then it seperates the men from the boys.

Hope this helps, it is more complicated than it sounds, however this the best way, say the truth and nothing but the truth. That's where you win. I hope your wife is not reading this also. :-)

cheers.

Dude, don't get married.

Oh wait, too late...

I am fully with you here! Empathy, openness and communication and one mutual basis - no matter how difficult it may seem in the beginning.

In a relationship / marriage you share moments, thoughts, feelings, LIFE! You are together because the other means something to you, because you mean something to the other. You WANT to be together, no? However, sharing one life together does not mean that you cannot do something separately. Each partner needs to be respected for who he/she is, needs to be treated as an individual at the same time.

Often two people view and perceive things differently. This is not something bad at all. It becomes a problem though if you do not talk about it and show the other what is really important to you and why. Everyone acts to his/her own best knowledge. If you are unaware of the partner's potential opposing needs and wishes and do not get the chance to understand the reasons behind them then you cannot change anything, of course. This is simply because of lack of communication and it will end in a vicious cycle!

You should tell your wife what you think and what you need, honestly. Try and make her understand why it is important to you to spend some time with your friends alone as well. It may help if you ask her in return why she is having difficulties in accepting this and what it is that you can do to improve the situation as well. Whatever her answer reveals can be worked out as long as you are open with each other. This wil be the first step to a longterm solution.

Thanks, and its not too late for me.

1)
I am not married.

2)
I find a similar situation with mom. She is too concerned about safety and wont allow me to have good outing. Going on bikes, you are too rough and its not safe. In car, you are too short tempered and put safety at risk. Even though I am not married, I have experienced limitation. But will take them positive and learn.

if you make 2x or 3x times the trips you wanna take for your leisure with her, and she is still persistent on refusing to give permission you are SOL.

most women do realize breathing down their husband/bfs neck will not help their relationship. so just make it clear to her and i don't think this would be an issue. Plus you want to go on treks which is a very healthy thing to which your significant other cannot say no to. :)

Sam has hit it spot-on! It is not necessary to enjoy everything together, heck each person has their own likes / dislikes. The key is to enjoy most things together (including the important ones), but also for each individual to indulge in some things alone (including a hobby or two). Your own individual space is very important to the longetivity of a relationship.

One tip : Never ever tell your girl how *wild* an outing like this will be. She won't let you go.