How does one heal the soul? How does one learn to let go of someone who has been a childhood sweetheart, the reason you learnt to smile again & the passion which has kept you going for 11 years?
Guys, this thread is not about cars or bikes or anything on wheels, but simply an attempt at venting my feelings out & trying to feel better. And with no intention leaving any sort of suspense, this is about a guy who is suffering from the pain of a great relationship having turned bad & then worse & finally reaching an end. It’s about me failing to come out of this black hole, this void in my life that has been created ever since I was dumped.
It started about 11 years back, I had lost my mother to depression. It’s one thing seeing somebody you love dying of a medical condition, but it’s very different seeing them in pain when everything on the surface looks fine. At times in our lives, there are incidents which get burnt in your memory & no matter what you do, you always have to live with that burden. One such burden is that I could never say good bye to my mother or tell her one last time that I love her.
I was shattered by her untimed & sudden death. I think I had stopped living my life after this tragedy, but I was fortunate to then find this girl. We were school students (not the same school) then & we slowly graduated to being friends & then best friends & finally a couple.
We made promises to each other, had even made plans of getting married. Her parents came to know about our relationship while we were both in college & they did not approve of us. We were still able to continue the relationship with the hopes & belief that some day, we would be able to make them understand when the right time comes. The only thing that matters is whether or not the individuals involved in the relationship are committed to each other. I believe that after a certain point, ever thing else fades away & what matters is the desire & commitment to be with each other & it is this desire that makes or breaks a relationship. Ours has been a long distance relationship for the major part but we have still been able to have a beautiful relationship for almost 9 years that she has been abroad.
However, since the past one year, things started deteriorating between us. The thoughts that were mutual till now suddenly started becoming different, not on one thing but most minor or major decisions that we had taken. America & UK became the ideal places to spend your life, when earlier she was happy to settle down in India. A bigger car & house have gained importance now, when even a scooter was good enough earlier. Our conversations started looking like an assignment to her when earlier she would die to speak with me & slowly, I was “phased” out.
I don’t understand, how can such things happen? How can people change like that so drastically? I was living my life, but then if she couldn’t believe in love, then why was I lied to & shown a rosy picture of a family together? There are so many questions that I have & it seems that they would always be unanswered, & even if they are answered, she is gone. I can never get her back, & I won’t even get a chance at trying to do some thing to get her back. I have been left with the same void in my life. And it hurts a lot because despite this being a long distance relationship, I know in my heart that I have been honest & loyal. I know that I have done things in my life which ensured that our relationship would not have to face any hardship. But what did I get out of it? Is this what feelings & promises are today? Just a commodity, is it? Is love measured in terms of career or our bank balance? May be it has always been this way, but the way I have grown up, I have believed otherwise. I am a person who believed that love prevails despite any thing, & one can endure all if love/family is by his side.
I have not been able to let her go, & accept the reality. And it kills me each day, so much so that the spirit of life is dying inside of me. I know most of you would feel that a girl isn’t the end of the world, & all girls are not like this. All I can say is maybe, because I did consider her my entire world, my family & I dreamt of spending my life with her. We were so close, but look at where we ended.
I have my dad, but I don’t know why thinking about him also is not able to make me forget her or reduce the pain. I do live on, but I am not living. I am just passing my time, with no real aim or purpose & I feel lost.
I can go on & on writing about this, but I am not sure if any body would even read this far. I am not even sure whether I am doing the right thing by posting this on TeamBHP, but TeamBHP is a part of my life & automobiles are the only thing that are still able to bring a little peace to my soul.
Please excuse the writing, if it wasn’t too interesting, & that’s maybe because I have jotted down my thoughts as they are coming in my heart. And I don’t have a reason to write it here, definitely not to gain sympathy. But when I started writing this, I did want to share this story with all of you thinking that it may make me feel better. But I am not sure if I am feeling better.
I will close this post now, & once again, for any of you who have read so far, thank you with all my heart. I just hope I am not judged or taken in the wrong way.
Take care. |