Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. It's a slow night and they're not getting much activity for the evening.

A very attractive blonde woman from Illinois arrives and bets twenty-thousand dollars ($20, 000) on a single roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells, "Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, "I WON, I WON!"

She hugs each of the dealers and then picks up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?"

The other answers, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral to this story:

Not all people from Illinois are stupid and not all blondes are dumb

.... but all men are men.

A man finally goes with his wife to church, after promising her for weeks that he'd go. Surprisingly, the man was so impressed with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.

"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMN fine sermon."

The preacher says, "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord."

The man says, "But preacher, seriously, I'm not a religious man, but that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard."

The preacher says again, "Sir, while I appreciate what you're trying to say, I must be blunt: DO NOT use curse words in the Lord's house again."

The man says, "Well, anyway, I was so impressed with your sermon that I placed $5000 dollars in the collection plate".

"No ****?" says the Preacher :)

Why one need to be carefull while sending any
communication?? Few
bellow explains!!!

TELEGRAM #1
A daughter sends a telegram to her father on
her clearing B.Ed
exams, which the father receives as :
Father, your daughter has been successful in
BED."

************************************************** ************************************************** ********************

TELEGRAM #2
A husband, while he is on a business trip to
a hill station sends a
telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here."
The message received by wife: "I wish you
were her."

************************************************** ************************************************** *********************

TELEGRAM #3
A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to
railway station to
return to her husband. At the reservation
counter, while her
turn came,it was the last ticket.
Taking pity on a very old lady next to her
in the queue, she offered
her berth to the old lady and sent a
telegram to
her husband which reached as:"Shall be
coming tomorrow, heavy rush
in the train, gave birth to an old lady."

************************************************** ************************************************** *********************

TELEGRAM #4
A man wants to celebrate his wife 's
Birthday by throwing a party.
So he goes to order a birthday cake. The
salesman asks him what
message he wants to put on the cake.
Well he thinks for a while and says: let's
put, "you are not
getting older you are getting better".

The salesman asks "how do you want me to
put it?"
The man says, Well put "You are not getting
older", at the top
and"You are getting better" at the bottom.
The real fun didn't start until the cake was
opened the entire party
watched the message decorated on the cake:
"You are not getting older at the top, You
are getting better at the
bottom".

************************************************** ************************************************** ********************

TELEGRAM #5
A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was
in her parent's house in
Delhi.When the man went to Ajmer,
he asked his servant to send a telegram to
his wife indicating
about his trip to Ajmer. He sent a
telegram.When the wife received
the
telegram, she fainte d. It was written:
'sethji aaj mar gaye ! (
Sethji Ajmer gaye ).

On a ship, the Generals of three nations were traveling with their
soldiers. They started an argument on whose soldier had more guts.

The American General called for one of his men and told him
to jump off and take a round swimming around the moving ship.
The soldier did as he was commanded. The American General
boasted of by saying, "See the guts!"

Now the German General called out for one of his men and
asked him to take two similar rounds around the moving ship.
The soldier did as he was told. When he came back from the
water the German
General said, "See the guts!"

Now the Indian General called out for his most courageous man
and asked him to take five similar rounds.
The soldier promptly replied, "Tere baap ka naukar hoon kya???"
The general proudly said, "See the guts!"

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "And as I have more time left, I'm rechecking my answers." rl:

Rev

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. Then replied, "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."

The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.

Lilly put up her hand. "Yes, Lilly?" asked the teacher.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lilly," said the male teacher.

He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

First, you have NOT done your HOMEWORK.

Second, you have a DIRTY mind.

And thirdly, I fear, one day in future, you are going to be sadly disappointed!" ;)

Rev

Inzamam’s interview after Pakistan’s loss

Rameez: So Inzy, disappointed with your performance today?
Inzy: Bismilla-e-rehman-e-rahim. Thank you allah.ya the indian batsman is play very good today. we is try very hard but is not win the game.
Rameez: Any words for Dhoni?
Inzy: Ya dhoni is play very well. He is hit his shot very hard in our gaps. In start, we is protect our gaps very well. the grass is also thick.. but dhoni is split our gaps with his bat.
Rameez: Another ordinary bowling performance?
Inzy: Ya our ***** is loose. the bowler is went for many run. Asif is bowled well. Also, after some shots the ball is out of shape. umpire is not give another ball.. it is tough to play with one ball.
Rameez: Dropped catches.. did that prove costly?
Inzy: ya the ball is not stick to our hands. we is practice a lot sticking our bat in our hands.. but now we is more practice sticking ***** in our hands.
Rameez: Any plans for the next match?
Inzy: ya India is on top but we is try to bounce on our back. Insha allah we is play better.
Rameez: All the best Inzy
Inzy: Thank is you.

[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=2]I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. [/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=2]While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor." [/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=2]"Yes?"
[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=2]"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I'm waiting for a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say "Hi Tom?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=2]About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][FONT=Verdana]A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It Was Bill Gates. "Hi, Tom," he said.

I replied, "Shut up, Bill, I'm in a meeting."[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]

John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of butter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.

John walked into the back room and said, "There's a bloody fellow out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter." As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager finished the deal and later said to John, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot. Which place are you from?"

John replied, "I'm from Mexico, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Mexico?" asked the manager.

John replied, "They're all just prostitutes and soccer players up
there."

"My wife is from Mexico," the manager said.

John replied, "Which team did she play for?"

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it besaid that
ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S)by
maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that
has never had an accident. ... Enjoy!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DMEvolume unbelievably loud.

S: DMEvolume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

P: IFFinoperative.

S: IFFalways inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last... (Without a doubt!!!!!)

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget