Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

10. You change your name from Kenny to Pele
9. On tax return you list occupation: "Hooligan"
8. After you successfully toast an English muffin, you rip off your shirt and run around the house
7. Whenever the mailman shows up you scream, 'MAAAAAAAAIIIILLLLLLLLL!"
6. Have a tattoo of Czech striker Pavel Nedved on your butt
5. You replace your hairpiece with chunk of sod from Wembley Stadium
4. Aches, a rash and vomiting - - I'm sorry, those are signs you have Bird Flu
3. In accordance with league standards, you've inflated your pants to 8.5 pounds per square inch
2. Every four years, you walk around in a Brandi Chastain sports bra
1. You're not American

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33 1/3.
A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a man named Murphy.

The boss thought, "I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman," so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Murphy says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says,"What the hell's that?" Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine."

"Fair enough," says the boss.

Second question:
Using the same rules, represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Murphy says "Each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says "There ya go sir, 100."

The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."
He says, "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?"

Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agreed and again they made love. Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up."Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't.".

A Bit Nostalgic

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each
other's company very much and at the end of the
evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where
they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session
in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in
the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking
Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely
you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a
bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine.

1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
2) When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
3) Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
4) First draw your curves, then plot your data.
5) Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
6) Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
7) To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
8) If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
9) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
10) Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
11) Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
12) All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
13) No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
14) Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.

IRISH GAS STATION

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro
is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my B@lls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything

A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco and a bunch of Mensa members were lunching at a local café. They discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "We couldn't help but notice that pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker--"

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles, switched them, and said, "Will that be one check or separate?"

This guy approaches the Madam of a local brothel and says, “Madam, I’m ready to spend top dollar here, but I have some very specific requirements. Do you think you can meet them?”
To which the Madam replies, “Sir, you have come to the finest brothel in the area. Our Ladies are extremely skilled in pleasing a man in every way! Simply name your pleasure.”
“Great!” he says, “Now here’s what I want. I want a woman that doesn’t moan, or groan, or thrash around or even move at all. In fact, I want her to simply lie there like a cold, hard piece of wood.”
“Well!”, she says, “I must say that is a very unusual request, but I simply don’t understand. We have the finest, most desirable and exciting women in the world here. Why would you make such a request?”
To which he replies, “Well, I’m a traveling salesman that’s been on the road for a while, but I’m not really in the mood.. I’m just homesick!”

Tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians (so legend has it), passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government, education and the corporate world, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Giving horse and rider a good bollocking.
4. Re-structuring the dead horse's reward scale to contain a performance-related element.
5. Suspending the horse's access to the executive grassy meadow until performance targets are met.
6. Making the horse work late shifts and weekends.
7. Scrutinizing and clawing back a percentage of the horse's past 12 months expenses payments.
8. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
9. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.
10. Convening a dead horse productivity improvement workshop.
11. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
12. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
13. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
14. Outsourcing the management of the dead horse.
15. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
16. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
17. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
18. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
19. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And the highly effective...
20. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position