[bblost]

Originally Posted by SS80

Posting this on behalf of a friend.

Do not take advice on such issues on face value when given by strangers on the Internet.

Having said that and absolved myself of any feeling of responsibility, here is my take on it.

There are only 2 problems in this life.
Those that can be fixed by money, those that cannot be fixed by money.

Problems that can be fixed by money are the easiest to fix.
The other set are things like "xyz does not love me", "why am I so fat/short/tall/thin/fair/dark/whatever/however/blah/blah".

Luckily your friend has given the following:

I mean I feel like asking, what's the point of all this? Never-ending EMI, loan, credit card, Mon to Fri riding in traffic-ridden roads."

These are the easiest to fix as they are all about money.

Reduce expenditure by moving to a smaller home, cheaper car, change job and so on.

But then comes the spanner in the works.
He can't.

As a primary provider, he will need to do this for the next couple of years.
This is the "cost of living".

The price that all "family" men have to pay.

What do they get in return?

(Coarse Language Used)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsOnXSuMXfU

But in this, he also owes something to himself.

This is only and only possible for himself to find. Maybe its a hobby or a lifestyle choice or something. Why do yo think so many middle ages men suddenly get matching clothes and start running, cycling, affairs and so on.

He just needs to chose something and dedicate at least a few hours a week to himself.

There is no other option for almost 9 out of 10 of us.

[deepak_misra]

Originally Posted by rajeevsulu

How do you arrive at this? Please elaborate!
Cheers

I did not fully understand your question.
If you mean as to how did I arrive at my conclusion, it would need a lot more effort than I have
If you mean as to how to arrive at what brings you joy, it really needs reflection and think back on what caught your attention or flickered something within you. SOme book you read? Some type of movie you saw? Some game you played? Some place you visited? By the way these are not very good examples but I think you got the idea.
NOw if you cant think of anything that used to bring joy, then the problem might be deeper and need professional help.
If you dont have joy in anything now, you just need to try and bring joy. The best way to try that is to start with what you know gave some sort of joy. This is really very personal and difficult to give generic advise.
Hope it makes sense

[Fuldagap]

Originally Posted by SS80

Posting this on behalf of a friend.

While others have answered well to your query specially bblost, my humble comment is a quote by Winston Churchill "If you're going through Hell, keep going". Feelings are one's worst enemies. Keeping them in check should be top notch priority. May your friend cope well!

[Jeroen]

Originally Posted by Fuldagap

]. Feelings are one's worst enemies. Keeping them in check should be top notch priority. May your friend cope well!

Not sure what you mean by keeping your feelings in check? Most experts would tell you that not taken notice of your feelings is the worst possible thing one can do. At some point in time that is going to create problems.

For some reason in almost all cultures it is not cool for men to talk about their feelings. Whereas it would probably solve a lot of problems in the world if they did!

So, no I don't think feelings are your worst enemy. Your feelings are an important part of your emotional well being. Not listening to them, I would think, is pretty foolish.

Jeroen

[Fuldagap]

Originally Posted by Jeroen

Not sure what you mean by keeping your feelings in check? Most experts would tell you that not taken notice of your feelings is the worst possible thing one can do. At some point in time that is going to create problems.

For some reason in almost all cultures it is not cool for men to talk about their feelings. Whereas it would probably solve a lot of problems in the world if they did!

So, no I don't think feelings are your worst enemy. Your feelings are an important part of your emotional well being. Not listening to them, I would think, is pretty foolish.

Jeroen

Appreciate your comment sir. As far as I understand we are on the same page. In case we are not, then as it is said if two people agree on the same thing, one is not necessary. Therefore, here are my two cents, thanks for reading.

One's feelings are one's worst enemies.

Let me set the page first.

Feelings are the crucial reason for our psychological and physiological well-being (you already said that). They are the multi faceted aspects of our consciousness encompassing a wide range of emotions, sentiments and moods.

What do feelings do? Broadly they serve the following purposes:

• Communication:

They help us communicate non verbally with others and express our needs, intentions or reactions. For example through facial expressions, body language and vocal tones.

• Social Bonding:

They allow us to bond with others through positive emotions like joy, love and compassion contributing to a sense of community, cooperation and strengthening relations. Even with non-human beings. Cats, dogs, plants?!

• Decision-Making:

Gut feelings for one allow us to assess the potential outcomes of our decisions and weigh choices.

• Adaptation and Survival:

Emotions like fear provide us with the much needed response to threats and dangers.fight or flight?

• Motivation:

Feelings motivate us to desire something. That top notch job, a balanced life or becoming a successful businessman. They make us pursue goals.

• Self-Awareness:

They make us self aware about the things to do for self improvement and understand our own thoughts.

• Coping and Adaptation:

Anger or sadness prompts us that something is off or wrong and we need to address a certain issue or seek support.

• Memory Enhancement:

Feelings enhance our memory. We associate a good drink with friends or a dinner with family to good times. A favourite song played continuously while preparing for a goal, studying or doing a particular important activity triggers the same memory decades later when the same song is played for example.

• Aesthetic and Creative Expression:

Feelings inspire us to become creative artists, singers, writers and what not.

Classification of feelings (broad categories, sometimes overlapping):

• Primary Emotions:

Joy, sadness, anger, fear, disgust, surprise

• Positive Feelings:

Happiness, Joy, Love, Gratitude, Contentment, Excitement, Satisfaction

• Negative Feelings:

Sadness, Anger, Fear, Disgust, Guilt, Shame, Envy

• Neutral or Ambiguous Feelings:

Boredom, Apathy, Indifference, Ambivalence

• Mood States:

Cheerful, Anxious, Irritable, Energetic, Melancholic, Relaxed

• Coping Emotions:

Hope, Resilience, Acceptance, Determination

• Social Emotions:

Embarrassment, Pride, Sympathy, Empathy

• Self-Reflective Emotions:

Regret, Remorse, Self-compassion

• Physical Sensations:

Hunger, Thirst, Fatigue, Pain

• Intellectual or Cognitive States:

Confusion, Clarity, Certainty, Doubt

• Existential or Spiritual Feelings:

Wonder, Awe, Transcendence

Feelings are complex, overlapping and interconnected. For example: a stray dog might invoke feelings of compassion in someone while fear of getting infected with rabies in someone else. Culture, one’s experiences and social strata among numerous other factors influence feelings or perception of feelings.

We feel a lot, even while sleeping. Not keeping a tab on them or not keeping a check goes a long way in making illogical decisions, to the point that more often than not they become detrimental to one's own well being while sometimes adversely affecting others or the surroundings.


Consider these scenarios:

• Communication:

Expressing one’s feelings is crucial for interpersonal understanding and building a healthy relationship. Constructive communication is vital. Deliberate and regular procrastination of a job to be done mostly ends up in a big time goof up. Unexpressed love doesn't usually have a way to reach out to your loved one.

• Self-Awareness:

One needs to know why he or she is feeling a certain way. Suppressing or ignoring them without acknowledgement leads to long term consequences. Somebody committing suicide due to the loss of a loved one.

• Emotional Regulation:

Expressing and acknowledging feelings should be moderated lest a harm is warranted to self or others. Excessive drinking, smoking, enjoying worldly pleasures feels good, or does it?

• Context and Timing:

Feelings expressed out of context are often harmful. Feeling like having an ice cream after a funeral procession. The body not wanting to have a ‘cool down’ after a brutal workout.

• Respecting Boundaries:

Expressing feelings even while others want space. Going to a friend’s house when they wanted to be left alone because you felt an urge to provide company.

• Healthy Coping Mechanisms:

Not feeling like speaking to others when feeling low continuously. Not speaking out your fears when you are fearsome. Not announcing happiness when the time demands so. Suppressing challenging feelings instead of talking it out with friends/family.

• Self-Reflection:

Reflecting upon the self, trying to go to the root cause of feelings enhances the moderation of feelings. Being angry at small things for example often when one is hungry is a known and common phenomenon that usually goes unnoticed.

• Impact on Mental Health:

Negative emotions have a tendency to persist. They overwhelm with dire consequences. I feel like quitting this job with a boring, repetitive and mundane work profile. Goes unchecked and voila the man resigns from work leaving him with no source of income for months.
A trained soldier during war is in a dilemma whether to fire or not and harm a fellow human being.
That's not the time for feeling compassionate.

What’s the context of all this with the OP?

While I have no authority to comment on his position or what could he do to improve it but with the limited information that we have about the friend, his thoughts and his feelings, it is but necessary to acknowledge that he is getting resentment towards various things in his life. His family is doing great, he is earning good, the child is being cared for. But his feelings are overwhelming him to feel otherwise. What’s the point of the ‘mundane’ tasks of paying EMIs et al. Is he doing enough for the kid? Is he being too much into giving advice to people?

I say, he is doing great and needs to calm down and understand the root cause of his feelings. Open his heart to family and friends. There’s his ‘job’ as a provider and caretaker and he needs to keep going bravely as he already is. We feel low, sometimes extremely low with could haves, should haves or what's the point of carrying on. Our feelings are our worst enemies when they hinder our progress towards the well being of ourselves and the near and dear ones. If a goal is to be achieved, one needs to keep a check on the feelings and focus on the outcome. One needs to do what has to be done. Period. Cud the chew and spit it out.

Worst enemies, really?

The blows come from within not without. Checking the regressive feelings is key unless we want those feelings to betray us and bring us down. The heart is a little naughty so to say, it needs to be tamed in time and brought under control, not at the cost of losing oneself but finding a way to steer clear of negativities of life, keeping the oil burning and involving oneself with thoughts and deeds that fall in line with the desired outcome.

An anecdote from the great book Papilon by Henri Charrière:

Three friends try for very long and daunting years to escape prison. They never give up despite life threatening incidents. They keep trying and trying. After the brutal life that they went through and the never-give-up lessons that their story teaches, the trio finally sail a boat towards a shore for embracing freedom. Out of the three, one cannot contain his happiness or eagerness for the sense of freedom that his bravery and never give up attitude is about to render. Instead of holding his horses a bit longer he jumps out of the sail boat in order to just run to the shore, the sea water being too shallow now to just remain in the boat. The main character Papillon tries to stop him from being overwhelmed with happiness but he fails to stop his old friend from jumping out of the sailboat. Little did the friend imagine the shore was rife with poisonous shrubs and he steps and falls on those thorny stems and dies.

(I hope someone corrects me on this anecdote if found factually incorrect, the last I read the book was in 2005.)

[am1m]

I find that at times I'm quite easily triggered. By the grace of god, or luck, I really don't have any serious life issues to feel down about. So I think there is some element of depression involved. I don't have any medical qualifications, but just wanted to share a couple of strategies that help me.

* Physical exercise and a weekend hobby involving physical activity. This is an instant mood lifter. It takes a lot of effort and rearranging the rest of my life around enabling this, but I can't do without it and I've seen it helps immensely. One needs to be careful that it remains fun and enjoyable though. The moment it becomes a 'chore', competition, for posting online/showing off, then it just becomes another stress-inducer and counterproductive.

* "Stress is not something that happens to you, it is your reaction to something that happens." Seems like such a throw-away line, and something I would have ridiculed if I read it online. But heard this from an older friend, who actually has been through a few things that would stress anyone out in life, so began to think about it. Naturally there are some things in life that warrant stress. But for most of the rest, I found that managing my reaction to them (and being aware that it is just a reaction) goes a long way to reducing that reaction, or for acceptance.

I used to get triggered by almost anything that didn't fit in my version of a 'perfect' situation. Now I find I'm doing a lot better.

(Again, obviously not medical advice. Sometimes one will need to consult a professional for depression.)

[Fuldagap]

I have a very good friend of mine since college. He is a professor, an avid auto enthusiast, a great photographer, food buff and a very social person who is easy to talk to even for strangers. He changes his cars quite frequently, the bigger the better and keeps upgrading something or the other on them. He is quite a motorcyclist too. The list of hobbies he has is long. Has a great family.

Few years back I used to feel the urge to call or text him almost every other week and we used to have a chat like we used to do in college.

Now we speak sporadically owing to personal lives and related obligations. A week back I was on WhatsApp with him and he suddenly revealed that he attempted suicide during the time a few years back when I used to call/text him. I give it to the textual nature of conversation on WA that he revealed this even now, I don't think he would have still revealed it on a voice/video call. Never did I get even a slight hint that anything was wrong with him during those years.

We did not discuss what reason(s) he had that caused it though. That's reserved for when we meet next.

It was quite bizarre and unpalatable what he told me given the kind of great personality he has.

He clearly told that he used to brush off his depression as nothing and did not even give slight attention to it, let alone discussing it with F&F. He can't put a finger to the time when depression engulfed him to the point that he was about to take a fatal jump. Once he realised and controlled himself, he went to seek professional help where he got treated for depression. He left India, got married and doing absolutely fine now, although it took him years.

He also said that even if he had realised that he was in depression and discussed with F&F, most probably it would have been brushed aside as nothing. The most sane decision he took was to head straight to his doctor, all by himself.

[am1m]

Originally Posted by Fuldagap

He changes his cars quite frequently, the bigger the better and keeps upgrading something or the other on them. He is quite a motorcyclist too. The list of hobbies he has is long.

Am not a medical professional, so take this with a lot of salt, but from what I've seen, a lot of times such things are a means of escape or diversion from some underlying thing. Especially if the pursuits keep changing frequently and the point of them seems to be to seek validation from other people, especially online. A content person will do something for the sake of the pursuit itself. Just an observation, I have no qualification to back this up apart from what I see around me and also analyzing why I do some of the things I do.

[Fuldagap]

Originally Posted by am1m

Am not a medical professional, so take this with a lot of salt, but from what I've seen, a lot of times such things are a means of escape or diversion from some underlying thing. Especially if the pursuits keep changing frequently and the point of them seems to be to seek validation from other people, especially online. A content person will do something for the sake of the pursuit itself. Just an observation, I have no qualification to back this up apart from what I see around me and also analyzing why I do some of the things I do.

He has these and other hobbies since childhood or teenage but started buying cars only when it became financially feasible. He has been an avid photographer since he was in 5th standard. Also he is one of the most humble, genuine and helpful persons I know. He told me he started excessive smoking during his troubled time but quit completely after about 2 years he got into smoking.

Another friend is going through a severe depression phase and your observation fits the bill there.
Cycling, hiking, horse riding, dancing classes, skating, social gathering, workaholism, are just a few weekly activities associated with that person. Almost nobody outside the very close friend circle can tell about the real state of the person.

Life becomes strange when seemingly cheerful, creative and talented friends reveal this depression thing. It is hard to believe yet true.

[fawad0222]

Hello Everyone,

Like the human knowledge in every sphere of life, knowledge about depression is also incomplete. It is true that many times there are certain aggravating factors due to which a person goes into depression but it is not necessary that such should be the case everytime. sometimes it happens without any reason and that could be because of the way the person has been brought up since childhood days, his ability or inability to cope up with day to day issues or major stressors in life. sometimes it may be just a chemical imbalance in brain neurotransmitters. this is coming from someone who is a doctor and who has been through depression and has had madicines too, so I have knowledge and I have experience. Therefore in my opinion any person who comes in contact with someone who seems to show signs of depression or says that he is depressed, then he has to talk to him. you cannot leave that person alone, you have to talk to him. like someone few posts above said that he didn't ask the reason for depression. I don't think that it was the right response. Though in this case the person didn't have depression at that time he was already treated but still asking him about his problems would not have really made him feel bad about it. Might be he wanted to talk to him about his issues. In my opinion one should never lose an opportunity of sharing sometime or thoughts with someone else, specially if the other person is trying to open up.

Regards

[Samurai]

I saw this report of slightly different kind of depression...

https://www.moneycontrol.com/news/tr...-12524321.html

I first I thought he was not having any female interaction, as the title implies. So, I wondered how IITK not have any female students.

However, when you read the article, he is referring to lack of girlfriend. If this a genuine cause for depression, this can be a pandemic.

[fawad0222]

Originally Posted by Samurai

I saw this report of slightly different kind of depression...

https://www.moneycontrol.com/news/tr...-12524321.html

I first I thought he was not having any female interaction, as the title implies. So, I wondered how IITK not have any female students.

However, when you read the article, he is referring to lack of girlfriend. If this a genuine cause for depression, this can be a pandemic.

In our country, the culture, upbringing, want of opportunities, all this lead to lack of interaction with the opposite sex and this might lead to mal adjusted behaviour, misconceptions and frustrations. Depression might happen because of any reason including this