[Aditya]

A Team-BHP Fan would like to share this anonymously:

I'm 35 and have been married for 8 years. My wife is special to me. Ours was a love marriage. The thing is I'm not sure if this will go on and we'll continue to stay together. I'm depressed and negative and it's affecting me very badly. Let me explain.

My wife has had a harsh childhood. She was happy till her college days when her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer stage 4. She spent most of her college days shuffling between hospital and home, avoiding her friends and taking care of her mom. Her dad invested in some business, lost money, and was not able to take care of his wife's hospitalization, etc. He was never there. She has an elder sister, who at that point, was doing her own thing and didn't care much. Her mom passed away soon after. Her sister then moved to Dubai.

My wife was sent to Dubai with her sister. She worked and life was OK. Then, her sister got divorced and she remarried. Some of the blame was put on my wife. It was at this point that I got to know her. We fell in love and decided to get married. She quit her job and came back to India.

A bit about me. I had a very nice childhood. I have a younger brother who grew distant after college. I had a close circle of friends from my school/college days. My mom is a control freak. I fought a lot with her, reasoned with her and after a while, I grew numb and spent more time with my friends. My dad is a silent character and soft-spoken. He does not talk much. I was close to my grandparents. I'm not one for confrontations or talking back or talking much at all. I'm a quiet introvert. If there is any argument, I remove myself from that space. I have simple joys in life - cars, motorcycles, my friends, camera and photography. I don't bother about things that disturb me and have thick skin. I tend to ignore insults or accusations and don't react much.

I accepted my wife for who she was. She did too, initially. But later, I understood that she thought she could change me for the better and that's the cause of all my problems at present. My wife has strong disagreements with my parents - understandable because of my mom's character. She then had problems with my friends - she didn't like the way they teased her. Yes, they were being idiots, but they tried to make amends. For her, I've stopped talking to them or being in touch with them. She has problems with my brother and my cousins pretty much for the same reasons. She thinks they belittle her. It could've been true in some cases as well, I agree. I've argued with my parents and brother on her behalf. I don't talk to them now.

Her problem with me is that she's trying to get me to change into a version that she thinks is the ideal husband, defending her with each and every person if they even slightly make fun of her or tease her. For example, the waiter in a restaurant who is trying to be a wise guy; she finds that very upsetting and expects me to put him down then and there. At a late-night show in a theatre, there were a bunch of college guys in the back row being rowdy and talking nonsense. She felt they were talking about her and I should've defended her. She feels the only way to survive in this world is by being mean, high-handed, and a know-it-all with everyone, as otherwise, they will walk over you. I'm trying to get out of my introverted shell and do the things she wants, but I'm not being consistent. Sometimes I ignore snarky comments. I don't want to argue with the waiter. I'm just not wired like that.

I don’t know what to do. I need help.

[ninjatalli]

Originally Posted by Aditya

A Team-BHP Fan would like to share this anonymously:

Sorry to hear about this situation. I think if I was in the OP's shoes, I'd focus less on both (his/her) childhood based aspects and focus on the current relationship in hand and how to work on improving that. At the bare minimum, there seems to be a lack of communication - the OP clearly mentions he's a full-on introvert so direct confrontation will not be easy. On the other hand, the wife seems to be more of an assertive (possibly extrovert) so definitely there's vast differences in personalities.

Couples counseling / couples therapy would be a good way to go forward. If direct communication has not been happening at some level, the counseling/therapy might be a good way to get the ball rolling. Does she know you are not comfortable with what she's doing? Not only on a one-on-one basis, but even with the larger circle (family & friends) - the OP is inadvertently cutting ties with the larger circle and it is not clear if it is by plan or a side-effect; and that's not good.

To me the snarky waiter or the joking friends / belittling cousins are not the main problem, it seems to be the symptoms of a recurring core issue; and that needs to be understood by both. Get help from experts - that's the way I'd proceed.

[Axe77]

Originally Posted by Aditya

A Team-BHP Fan would like to share this anonymously:

Well meaning readers will give a range of advice and opinions, many with some degree of truth as well.

I too have my own little cup of gyan I could put forth from own life experiences. But in situations like this, I’d be inclined to offer only one suggestion:

Get Couples counselling from a well qualified and recommended professional.

Professional counselling is perhaps the only way to salvage this situation in a proper well advised manner so both can get the best outcome from the process, provide of course both go into it with a desire to make things better. If you turn to friends, family and strangers for help you’re taking a hit / miss approach to the problem.

[Gannu_1]

Originally Posted by Aditya

I don’t know what to do. I need help.

Dude, have a baby; all your existing worries would be sorted. (:

No really, I am not kidding. Both of you sit down, plan, go to a nice place, have fun and see what happens. You'll have more important things to attend to, leaving aside petty issues and arguments.

Don't think of it as bringing a baby into all these troubles. From what I gather from the instances you've quoted, most of them are trivial.

[libranof1987]

More than couples counselling, I believe your wife needs counselling to get over her trauma. Having to care for a parent single-handedly at an age you're supposed to be your most carefree, and then losing her, being blamed for a failed marriage, and - as you put it - being teased by your friends - must definitely not have been easy. And made a bad situation worse.

Get her help, first.

You can go through couples counselling parallely or later, as a professional psychologist would advise.

Also, from the very little you have disclosed, it does seem like that she has had good reason to behave they way she does with your circle. It doesn't seem like she's had a lot of support / people in her corner growing up. And then, your / your mum's nature probably made her more insecure?

All the very best to you guys!

[am1m]

Originally Posted by Gannu_1

Dude, have a baby; all your existing worries would be sorted.

I can't make out if this was meant to be a joke, but I think this is probably the worst thing that could be added to the mix, right?

Originally Posted by Gannu_1

Don't think of it as bringing a baby into all these troubles.

That's exactly what that would be, right? A newborn, while certainly a reason for joy and hope is also a lot of work, late nights and stress. If already the situation at home is stressful, wouldn't this add to it all?

I'm going to refrain from giving advice on what needs to be done, that is best done by a professional. But I think having a baby is something that should not be done to solve some other problem.

[Red Liner]

Originally Posted by Gannu_1

Dude, have a baby; all your existing worries would be sorted. (:

No really, I am not kidding. Both of you sit down, plan, go to a nice place, have fun and see what happens. You'll have more important things to attend to, leaving aside petty issues and arguments.

Don't think of it as bringing a baby into all these troubles. From what I gather from the instances you've quoted, most of them are trivial.

The issue seems more psychological than being something trivial. Its her mind at work more than anything else. Because of all the trauma she has faced, she has built a big wall to protect herself from anything or anyone which might cause further trauma. Now, she wants her husband to help beef this wall up - which is par for the course for anyone in a marital relationship anyway.

They don't need couples counselling, She needs counselling to help her get over past traumatic episodes - who knows if she is even suffering from some form of PTSD? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I find it very unsettling that in India we treat all such things as trivial and unsound enough for intervention (not aimed at you Gannu ).

I had this "wall" up as well as a child growing up. It took a few girl friends (bless them) and lots of emotional and physical empathy from each of them to help me cross over. I have childhood friends talk to me even today, and we discuss this "wall" I had. It was that obvious to people around me.

The BHP'ian in question needs support and counselling on how to deal with a spouse with possible PTSD. Divorce, kids, running away is not the answer. I thank god that people who loved me stuck around long enough to see me over as a better person.

[ajmat]

Originally Posted by Gannu_1

Dude, have a baby; all your existing worries would be sorted. (:

No really, I am not kidding. Both of you sit down, plan, go to a nice place, have fun and see what happens. You'll have more important things to attend to, leaving aside petty issues and arguments.

Don't think of it as bringing a baby into all these troubles. From what I gather from the instances you've quoted, most of them are trivial.

This is a thoughtless immature distraction to a toxic relationship. You might divert the issue for 10-13 years but believe me, babies pick up on the negativity and underlying stuff and this would only continue down the lineage. Both need to go through counselling and resolve issues.


What do I know?

My brother in law had a bad marriage and they went along with the suggestion that they have a baby. They were separated within 6 months. The "baby" is now touching 30 and is better for that separation. My sister has also brought her up and my mother spend time with her.

[bblost]

Originally Posted by Aditya

A Team-BHP Fan would like to share this anonymously:

The wife has followed a simple plan of isolating the husband from his family and friends.

The guy cannot win over his wife by being NICE to her. He will NEVER be good enough for her as the goalpost will keep shifting every time. Love can never thrive in an environment where he is constantly being put up on a test. Even if he wins a level, he will find its just a start of a new one.

He would be much better off understanding that the manipulations by his wife are not worth it and be thankful there are no kids in this equation.
A break up for a couple of months away from each other might really help both of them.

[digitalnirvana]

Originally Posted by Gannu_1

Dude, have a baby; all your existing worries would be sorted. (:

Yeah, no. Don't do this.

Adding a baby doesn't actually solve things. It only amplifies their existing relationship outcomes. If its good already, it'll get better. If it's bad, it'll get worse.

And if they plan to separate in the future, having a third wheel will make things complicated.

They first need to sort themselves out.

[ajayc123]

By no means I am an expert on this subject, but my observation is that depression is a bit more prevalent in folks who are introverts, and have a high gap between expectations and reality. Maybe lowering one's expectations could address this problem to some extent.

And yes, thinking too much also my be a cause. Keep super busy to stay away from the d word.

[tchsvy]

Before marriage, the wife might have liked the OP for what he is, an introvert who listened to her, she perceived him as someone who she can dominate. Now that the OP is hers, she wants him to dominate others. Her past might have made her like this, where you need to be vocal in every situation to protect yourself and to get things done. For me if the OP wants to stay in the relationship, therapy will be a good start.

[condor]

I can be wrong, but the OP's wife could be feeling extremely insecure, and is not willing to step out the limitations she has set for herself. It is a difficult situation, because for that a person has to trust at least one person fully while being willing to come out of it. However the first and paramount step would be to recognize the insecurity and fear - and want to come out of it. This cannot be easily communicated to the person either.

Originally Posted by ajayc123

By no means I am an expert on this subject, but my observation is that depression is a bit more prevalent in folks who are introverts, ...

Not necessarily. Even an extrovert can be going through depression. Just that, due to their extrovertedness, the internal state of mind doesnt show up that easily. Do check - there are stories of loneliness that such extroverted people are experiencing.

[chinchu.c]

The iCall helpline of TISS Mumbai has a directory of mental health professionals curated from inputs given by clients. It can be Googled to find a mental health professional.

Relationship Counseling can be helpful to resolve some of the issues presented here.

[tirumalavoleti]

Originally Posted by Aditya

A Team-BHP Fan would like to share this anonymously:

There seems psychological issue, the symptoms looks like Paranoid personality disorder, where everything and everyone is doubted for insulting the person. The person expects an aggressive response

I hope I am wrong, consult doctor yourself and try to take medical advice.