[Gotham_City]

Originally Posted by Fernang

Everything I loved to do, being organised, loving driving and riding , loving to write with fountain pens, learning about things, movies that I loved watching... everything seemed to create resentment. And I’m just tired. I’m just tired.

Brother, I feel for you.

My 2 cents:
1. Get into strength training - start slowly and keep lifting more and more
2. Join some MMA class - a real punch in face is beyond imaginary therapeutic

Let's speak again after 3 months.

[manchandap]

Another gem of a thread.

Unfortunately, being alone or loner is considered a negative trait in our society. We are conditioned to have friends from childhood/school days. Remember teachers asking you who are your friends or telling your parents that their kid has no friends. There is not harm in having a small circle of like minded friends.

IMHO, blessed are the people who can spend time alone, do things on their own and don't crave for human interaction 24*7. To me it's a very positive trait and very few people have it. Society frowns on this behavior because we have been brain washed into believing that 'Man is a Social Animal' means that we should be in the company of fellow humans 24*7.

Sharing few learnings from my life based on half century spent on this planet and many personal and professional ups and downs:

• Take care of yourself. You are your best friend.
• Have a hobby, a passion outside of your work.
• Spend 25% of what you have (e.g. money, time) on yourself, doing what you like best. This is true especially for men, who tend to put the financial needs of their family first.
• Always chase success both personally and professionally. Remember the saying: People Salute the Rising Sun.
• Never become complacent after achieving success. Read Who Moved My Cheese.
• Especially for Men/Boys: Never Chase Women/Girls. Let it be other way round. Remember People Salute the Rising Sun.
• There is nothing like a soul mate in this world. Marriage is a partnership between two adults and their families.
• It's fine to feel low or depressed occasionally. Identify what made you feel that way. Learn from it to do the things differently next time.
• Always get involved in a physical activity. It is helpful physically as well as psychologically.
• Strive to be in the company of people who are younger and older than us. They provide valuable lessons.
• If you want to do something, do it. Don't worry about what people will think or wait for some company.
• Respect fellow living beings and strive not to create problems for anyone.
• Meditate. This is a spiritual thing and not religious.
• Gather knowledge but don't believe anything blindly. The second part is very apt in today's world of hyperactive social media.
• There is nothing wrong in having your opinions. However, share them wisely.
• Many people approach us with their problems. Most of the time they need a listening ear and are not looking for a solution/help. Identify the behavior and act accordingly. People don't appreciate free advice.
• Look for quality over quantity when it comes to friends. Remember not everyone with whom we interact is a friend. There are acquaintances.
• Introspect. Make it a habit.
• Parents: They are blessing. Don't ignore them.

[thenewsymbol]

Hang in there dude, life blesses everyone when you least expect it. You will be blessed, trust me. I was not having much of hope in my life and there were strangers giving kind words to me and it did help, later my life turned around when I least expected it. Your life will also be blessed, more than whether someone will remember after we are gone or not what matters is whether we had a good life or not. You will have a good life, hang in there.

[Ashwin Morey]

Originally Posted by Fernang

I'm not on any social media. And this is the only forum I'm registered on. Just thought I'll share few things. I usually go through several threads and I noticed that few of the guides and troubleshooting threads were started almost 14, 15 years ago. And the posts stayed like a record of the individuals contribution. In the end we would all like to be remembered I guess. So thought of just framing this post.

Firstly, i admire you to have the courage to share your feelings somewhere especially since you come across as an introvert from your post. It is really good to see you open up somewhere.

A lot has already been said and for the sake of all the lovely people here who have given some real good advice, I would really request you to at least reply back and let us know that you are hanging there and fighting the battle!

I pray that you see the light at the end of the tunnel and that you someday reply on this post again and laugh it off.

[emmenhr]

Originally Posted by Fernang

I'm not on any social media.

You have taken the first step - to open out what challenges you.
Now my two bits on it : Take professional help - Pyschatrists or Counsellor (am not professional to advise you which) or second - take up a hobby which helps you to meet new people, see new places etc.
Being alone is tough, especially after losing someone you love or someone's love.
Feel for you and this forum shall always be there for you to open out. I see the huge responses that you have elicited.
Be strong and hang in there - the worlds a beautiful place - only sometimes, its a game of the sun and shade.
Cheers and God bless.
Krish

[ajay0612]

Originally Posted by Fernang

I'm not on any social media. And this is the only forum I'm registered on. Just thought I'll share few things. I usually go through several threads and I noticed that few of the guides and troubleshooting threads were started almost 14, 15 years ago. And the posts stayed like a record of the individuals contribution. In the end we would all like to be remembered I guess. So thought of just framing this post.

More than getting remembered, it is sense of contribution which drives one to spend hours in replying to queries, writing articles, making helpful videos, etc.

I’ve been a loner all my life. I did things for others, but never expected anything in return. I knew I was not going to be loved or taken care of. Never was taken care of so didn’t realise what I was missing. I never made friends as I was very bad at small talk. And this anxiety and inability of mine to engage was taken as snobbishness and arrogance by people I thought cared about me. I was not what you would call charming, and I’d come to accept the fact that I would be alone for the rest of my life.

Small talk attracts small talkers, not friends. Persons become friends due to common interest, mutual respect and needs. Being a loner is nothing to be ashamed off. Many intellectuals, scientists, thinkers are loners.

And then there was this amazing person who came into my life and she showed that I was somehow worth loving. So you devote yourself to her and then one day you realise that she’s gone and she took her love with her and you do not know what to do. And now your entire reality that was based on her love is nowhere and you are not certain what to do. You have certain things that binds you, that gives you purpose and clarity and that gives you some sense of foundation. One thing you can rely on, one thing that you know for certain to be the truth, that no matter what happens, it would be there for you... her fidelity and love was it for me and it is gone and I can't seem to find a grip on reality after that. It is like there is something heavy crushing your chest but you feel numb at the same time. And I’m now lost and I’m unsure of what to do.

You may not be good at expressing yourself verbally, but you do so well in writing. As said earlier, it is mutual interests and admiration which lays foundation of friendship.... and love. Staying together for longer period requires mutual understanding and space. Both need to evolve in a common environment fulfilling needs of each other and providing space too.

There is enough diversity in life to waste too much time sulking over one person. There will be many similar, worse and better options. Take it in your stride, be a better copy of yourself everyday. Time never stops for anyone. Just keep moving. That is the best option, the only option. You will find happiness sooner than later. Wish you all the best.

[harshaguduru]

Originally Posted by Fernang

I'm not on any social media. And this is the only forum I'm registered on.

I have been there and bounced back and went back there again and bounced back again. It's a dark place. I get you. But if nothing else have trust in yourself. The feelings of affection and joy you experienced, I'm sure prior to that you never felt you could experience that. That's the indicator that there's a level of joy and happiness you're yet to achieve. 3 years ago I was in a place of such shock and pain I never believed I could get out of. Felt like joy would forever elude me and the worst part is that most things happened for no real fault of mine. Then I bounced back. Was happier than I ever thought I would be. Then again back to back life dealt 3 blows. I honestly thought they were death blows. Once again my friends and family rose to the occasion. I stepped out of my comfort zone and connected with like minded people and realised that the darkness enveloped me only if I let it.
You're not alone and there is always someone having it worse. If you're healthy, able to afford to eat, you are in a position of power. Claw your way back from there. You'll enjoy the process, you'll find strength and empathy within you that will surprise the hell out of you.
If it's unbearable or unshareable with your immediate friends and family find a therapist. Pm me if you want good recommendations. But don't follow the comfort zone. That's where the darkness is and where it wants to keep you powerless and helpless.
It will take time, maybe 3 months, maybe 13months but remember that there are 8 billion others out there so there's a better someone for you, more tuned to your vibes. Find them. It's worth facing a 100 disappointments to find happiness. You've found it before, you'll find it again.
Stay strong buddy. Don't take the easy way out, it always leads to no where good
Regards

[voldemort]

Disclaimer: I'm not a mental health expert and I don't know what I'm talking about. What I'm saying is NOT medical advice.

Empathy is not my strong suit, but here goes.

Originally Posted by Fernang

I’ve been a loner all my life.

You should read the book Quiet by Susan Cain. It does a deep dive into introversion and is worth a read. The author has a TED talk which I'm linking below:

https://youtu.be/c0KYU2j0TM4

I was not what you would call charming

Most people aren't charming. I'm not even sure if that's a very useful attribute.

And then there was this amazing person who came into my life and she showed that I was somehow worth loving. So you devote yourself to her and then one day you realise that she’s gone and she took her love with her and you do not know what to do.

Did she die ? Or did you just get dumped? If it's the latter, don't worry. We all get dumped. Move on.

Also, whatever you're going through, remember that this time too shall pass. It'll get better eventually. And trust me, by the year 2063 it wouldn't matter.

Although you didn't mention it explicitly, I get the feeling you're in high school. To take your mind off of things, pick up computer programming or something. Look into contributing to big open source projects; it's cool to get your name written on the Linux kernel or Firefox or whatever.

Hit the gym and do cardio exercises. Once you start exercising (beyond a certain threshold), it releases all these nice chemicals and whatnot into your body, and you start feeling good.

[SolidusSnake]

Just writing to share my feelings. I am 37 years old, I am a single child, born to old parents. Though my parents loved me very much, but was never prepared for vagaries of life. I have 2 degrees from Delhi University and monetarily, professionally ok. I have always be a loner, never had more than few friends, a very introvert person. I got married in a arranged marriage setup and unfortunately that marriage didn't work out. Before that I never had a romantic relationship with any girl. Few years back my father passed away and I have only my old mother as family. I decided to seek a companionship that I always longed for and about a year back met a person that I always dreamed of as my partner, like a dream coming true. I fell head over heels for her and decided to get married, but then she called it off saying we both have different personalities, I did everything to convince her, but it felt like I was hitting my head against a wall and all my appeals fell on deaf ears, she switched off her feelings like a switch. It felt like a train hit me and I fell in a dark hole, a abyss. Now I can't do anything, even things I enjoyed passionately are seemingly meaningless. It feels like my story is over and without a companion to share life with, it is meaningless. I took many counseling sessions and I know and was told that moving on is the only option. But I simply have lost willingness to live, don't have any motivation to do anything, even doing basic things like paying credit card bill seems like a mountain. Have lost 12kgs, cannot sleep without pills, cannot do anything. Just waiting for my end to come. Had it not for my mother, I would have ended it myself

[srgntpepper]

Originally Posted by Fernang

st.
I’ve been a loner all my life. I did things for others, but never expected anything in return. I knew I was not going to be loved or taken care of.

Originally Posted by Fernang

So you devote yourself to her and then one day you realise that she’s gone and she took her love with her and you do not know what to do. And now your entire reality that was based on her love is nowhere and you are not certain what to do.

Based on your quotes, you felt you had no expectations and then you realized you did have them. You aren't the first or last one to go through this.

The problem with expectations is that they are a double edged sword. IF you truly have none, then you are like Spock, unfazed by happiness or sadness. Nothing matters. And then you could argue what's the point to life?!
If you have expectations, sometimes life will deliver, other times it won't. and that will bring great happiness or great sorrow. Why risk suffering?

Even happiness is transient. Once anything is in the past, its like it doesn't exist anymore. You could win the World cup one day, and lose the next match. if happiness was permanent, people would grab one happy moment and retire on it for the rest of their lives. It's why Federer still wants to play.

I think what works for me is not thinking about things that aren't in my control. Instead, focus on the things that I can influence. Shortlist the options, and pick the best one at that point and follow through on it. And do those things not to forget the past, but for the sake of those things. ie don't get a pet to forget about the past, get a pet because you want to take care of the pet. else two months later, you be unfair to the pet because you couldn't move on.

Forgetting the past isn't a switch or an app that you install. It's finding Netflix that makes you forget Tata sky existed, something that you couldn't live without 3-4 yrs back. And time will bring something new that will make you forget Netflix.

So to summarize, don't sulk or wallow about the past. Of course this is easier said than done. But believe that there is way, and just do something else, anything else, and help serendipity lead you on a new path.

[RajeevSharma]

I see that a lot of people get worried after well being of people who disappear after posting their thoughts. I feel it would do them good to engage here as we are willing to learn from their experience or offer some good advise. I see genuine concern here and some heartfelt suggestions as a result.

I feel strange that people are diagnosing their own problem but not seeking professional help for as long as it takes to get back in right frame of mind. It is like living with a broken leg without seeking medical help which can help through the healing process.

The onus of making friends is on us but that depends on what we want. It is worthwhile to indulge in other hobbies if making friends with other people is not an option not because one can’t make friends but burden of having them around or interacting with other people is too much. People with this trait can still live healthy by tapping into and spend maximum time doing what they love. People with mental health issues often times are not aware that they have such issues and those who feel such issues can do a lot of things to improve their situation.

The culprit in most cases seems to be over reliance on romantic leanings and undercooked love without knowing the consequences or a method to process emotions arising out of feeling of rejection.

Mental is as important as physical health and we can improve both by doing a lot of exercise when everything else seems to lose meaning.

[ajay0612]

Originally Posted by SolidusSnake

Just writing to share my feelings....

Fact: We become what we practice, no exceptions. If one practices thinking negative or hopeless about himself, he will surely become so. Also whatever happens, happens as a result of current state inputs in function of evolution. Weird it may sound, but happenings are destined to happen the way they do.

Nevertheless we can decide to keep on trying to make positive contributions, be content with what we have, at the same time, be aware that whatever happens, happens for the better. If we look around happily, we will find that there are so many beautiful souls all around.

37 Yrs is not an age to get disappointed. For most, it is the start of the best phase of life. Think positive, positive things will happen. World is not as bad as we make of it. What we can surely do is to keep learning and improving on our skills (social, as well as professional) Wish you better times ahead.

[JediKnight]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zJGJGVicLkQ

[Rahul9229]

Ways to overcome depression had become happy again

I see so many people opening up here regarding their experiences. And almost everyone is sad because what they have faced in their lives.
But looking at it all from another angle, we should be more concerned as to why it happened to us, how to get back to our old happy state, and most importantly, how and why to move on in life , and ensure negative experiences don't happen again.
While most of us don't even dive deep into why it happened, a few who do, blame it on themselves, the other person , or destiny. It's easy to blame others, God or destiny, but very difficult to understand and accept how our thoughts and actions are responsible directly for everything good or bad happening in our lives. This understanding and acceptance is the most important part to ensure that similar things don't happen again, as everything is meant not to punish us but to teach us something, and till we learn our lessons, similar events will keep occuring and we can waste our whole lives fighting and facing it and not learning the lessons.
But it's all easier said than done, because after enduring this kind of incident in our lives , it's not easy to have a positive attitude initially and we suffer as per our destiny because of our past actions (Yes , karma).
During our suffering, we all have the power to change things, but it's our own personal choice to continue the mourning which is the biggest mental block to move on.
Depending on what one is going through, there are various things that can help a person to come out of this depressive state. Some are obvious, some are not, let me try and lost them all based on what i have learnt and what helped me recover from the darkest phases of my life.

1. Counselling is the most effective way, to come our of depression. But one must have an open and accepting nature, and follow the advice of their counsellors. They are highly trained individuals and are not just giving a personal opinion, they are not your family or wellwishers too, they are just professionals with expert knowledge and different scientific approaches to help you out of your particular situation. Psychological help is a very normal thing, and you are not mad if you are visiting a counsellor.

2. Spend more time with friends and family , till you find it easy to spend time alone happily and learn to keep yourself busy or occupied alone. If company is not available, take up reading, a hobby, physical activity, social work, etc to keep yourself engaged. Avoid company that is always trying to undermine your potential, don't let anything to affect your positivity, but be humble as well to accept your negative traits and fix them. Dont let others opinions impact your peace or happiness.

3. Try to understand meditation and take up a holistic practice like breathwork or yoga. These things have the power to transform your mindset and behaviour in a matter of months. Meditation can be as simple as staring at an object for a few minutes without any thoughts going through your mind. We can use this technique whenever we start getting negative thoughts, and take a few deep breaths to exhale the negative emotions out. It's difficult to start, but once you learn it, you will understand the importance of having the power to keep your mind in a meditative calm and relaxed state.

4. From an energy perspective, all negative emotions and experiences are stored as emotions in different energy centres (chakras) of our body, and any form of exercise, running, weightlifting, yoga, breath work, stretching, swimming, etc can help us release the emotional energy blockages from our energy centres which will promote overall wellness, disease free body and a more calm mindset if done correctly.

5. Grounding or earthing is another very powerful way to have a healthy energy body. Most common grounding technique is standing bare feet for a few minutes on green grass. This neutralizes the excessive unbalanced energy from our body back to the ground. The heaviness we feel in our body, or mind can go away if grounding is done regularly. Other grounding techniques, if done consciously, can be, taking a bath , submerging the body in a tub, pool or sea, sungazing, moon gazing, swimming, any form of artwork, singing, playing music, etc .

6. Superstition free worship is also helpful, irrespective of religion. Just ask forgiveness for your mistakes, and blessings of your lord as you move forward. We may not even realise or recollect our mistakes that has brought your current misery, but blessing of the God you worship can really make a difference in your life.

7. A healthy diet is equally helpful as a healthy lifestyle. What we eat, directly affects our energy levels and our psychological growth. the energy our brain needs , comes mostly from the food we eat, and eating holistically healthy, preferably vegan food , is best for us, and if it's organic, or home cooked, it's even better. We should try to avoid processed foods totally , as they don't give us the needed nutrition and the preservatives and chemicals can increase any mindset related issues. Non vegetarian food should also be avoided as nowadays, the meat is heavily Laden with chemicals and growth hormones which enter our body and can disturb our hormonal balance, and affects our mindset as well. But once in a while, don't restrict yourself from eating that amazing unhealthy food that can make you happy.

8. Take a vacation alone, and learn to enjoy your own company. Once we are happy with our own company, we will not depend on anyone else's presence to feel happy.

9. Try to find the deeper meanings of life, soul, existence and our challenges and purpose here as a civilization. Let's try to look at the bigger things that are affecting everyone else as well, and not just our own problems.

10. Understand the secrets of law of attraction, law of manifestation, etc, and work on raising your frequency and vibration so that you attract better in your future , compared to your past experiences. Irrespective of how positive or negative we are, there is always scope of improvement that can make our lives more enjoyable and better.

11. Do some form of social service of charity if there are no monetary issues. Helping others without any personal motives helps us feel better in more ways than 1, and can also ease any karmic backlogs we have, due to our past actions.

12. Lastly, Wish better for yourself and everyone else. Don't wish bad for anyone. This is the biggest reason, a lot of people are still stuck, as they have not forgiven the person who hurt them. Forgive and move on, the other person probably already has. Until we forgive and forget , it's difficult to move on and get out of depression. And manifest the positive experiences that you want in your life. If your vibrations are positive, and you can work hard enough to match the magnitude of your dreams, you will start manifesting really fast, whatever you want will be yours.

I have not done any course on psychology or counselling, these are things i have learnt on my own solo trip through darkness. I had lost everything at a point of time, but it just took less than a year to make my life better than it used to be , before the negative things happened. I'll be very happy if a single reader benefits from this, and makes his life better from this state of depression, because I've been there, and know how bad it feels. I hope together, someday, we can make this world depression free.

[Fuldagap]

Originally Posted by Fernang

...and I’m unsure of what to do.

You do not come across as somebody who needs advice from others about what to do about your problem, if you want to call it a problem. You are just going to take time to pass this phase of life. This too shall pass, is true for good and bad times. And I hope you come out of this phase of yours sooner than later.

Originally Posted by Fernang

Lastly I’m reminded of a quote from Blade Runner, All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

How true is that!

Some members have advised keeping a pet. It is a fantastic idea. Whether one considers himself to be happy, sad, depressed or anything else should not matter.

A little anecdote. Years back I was posted somewhere in the north of Pir Panjal and had come there after a stint abroad. While abroad, a male cat used to visit me almost everyday. Whether I give it food or not, it would sit at my window for a couple of hours and then go back to the street. Slowly he became a friend and allowed me to pet. It would pur for as long as I would pet him. I learnt a bit how to keep a pet for the first time, thanks to that cat. Once it got injured and I made sure to get him treated properly at a vet. The cat was not seen afterwards. To this day I wonder what happened.

After exactly 21 days another cat appeared and I thought it to be the same cat. This was a similar looking, but quite young and shy cat. The earlier one was very bold. Long story short, I became so hooked to the 2nd cat that I resolved to bring her back home. But sadly, couldn't due to various reasons.

Come Kashmir and I find this small puppy lying injured in a drain, both hind legs broken, body covered with fleas and ticks. It is a very long story too but to cut short, I got her to full health, thanks to a good vet. It has been 3 years now. She was around 15 days or so old when I picked her up.
Children in the vicinity funnily began calling her 370 (reference to the revocation at that time) in English and Punjabi and the dog began responding to that name. That's when I gave her a proper name, after a few months or so. This time I properly learnt how to keep a pet and what all responsibilities come along with it. I'm inclined to post a picture of my dog here but that would be totally contrary to this thread. It is not a thread for pets.

I'm sure you already must be aware of pets and pet keeping, unlike me, but if you don't then don't get a pet just for your own sake. It is a BIG responsibility. Not to mention it is a big blessing too! Your enitre life changes and they make you their slave and you realise it only when it is too late already.