[Fernang]

I'm not on any social media. And this is the only forum I'm registered on. Just thought I'll share few things. I usually go through several threads and I noticed that few of the guides and troubleshooting threads were started almost 14, 15 years ago. And the posts stayed like a record of the individuals contribution. In the end we would all like to be remembered I guess. So thought of just framing this post.

I’ve been a loner all my life. I did things for others, but never expected anything in return. I knew I was not going to be loved or taken care of. Never was taken care of so didn’t realise what I was missing. I never made friends as I was very bad at small talk. And this anxiety and inability of mine to engage was taken as snobbishness and arrogance by people I thought cared about me. I was not what you would call charming, and I’d come to accept the fact that I would be alone for the rest of my life. And then there was this amazing person who came into my life and she showed that I was somehow worth loving. So you devote yourself to her and then one day you realise that she’s gone and she took her love with her and you do not know what to do. And now your entire reality that was based on her love is nowhere and you are not certain what to do. You have certain things that binds you, that gives you purpose and clarity and that gives you some sense of foundation. One thing you can rely on, one thing that you know for certain to be the truth, that no matter what happens, it would be there for you... her fidelity and love was it for me and it is gone and I can't seem to find a grip on reality after that. It is like there is something heavy crushing your chest but you feel numb at the same time. And I’m now lost and I’m unsure of what to do. I was having lunch a few months back in the school cafetaria and I was surrounded by hundreds of teachers and students and I felt alone. So I stopped. I thought I liked things but I don’t seem to care about them anymore. People I devoted my love to found my likes to be too distractive. Everything I loved to do, being organised, loving driving and riding , loving to write with fountain pens, learning about things, movies that I loved watching... everything seemed to create resentment. And I’m just tired. I’m just tired. I think people want to be remembered if only for a little while after they’re gone. Lastly I’m reminded of a quote from Blade Runner, All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

[Red Liner]

Originally Posted by Fernang

I'm not on any social media..

Losing your love is a difficult thing. From your post, I gather you are young (atleast not geriatric like some of us). Have you ever traveled? To a place you have no idea about? Meet new people? New experiences. Travel alone…travel for travels sake. It will help you take your mind off what has happened recently. Who knows who you might meet…for new things to appear, the old must disappear…such is the way of the universe we live in.

Travel…and start a new log here. Maybe we will follow you on your journey.

[Chetan_Rao]

Originally Posted by Fernang

...I’d come to accept the fact that I would be alone for the rest of my life. And then there was this amazing person who came into my life and she showed that I was somehow worth loving...

For your sake, I hope you're proven wrong a second time.

[Axe77]

Originally Posted by Fernang

I'm not on any social media. And this is the only forum I'm registered on. Just thought I'll share few things.

I can understand your pain. But everything is temporary - whether its good times or bad - and this too shall pass. Painfully perhaps, slowly quite likely - but eventually it WILL pass. Hang in there and try to see the positive in each day.

It would also not hurt to see a professional counsellor who can simply help you deal with these emotions at this point in time and lend a ear. Please do consider this and share whatever you feel with the counsellor. It always helps to have that one person who can listen to you and navigate you out of times when you are at your lowest and most vulnerable.

If you love driving / riding, see if you can find a riding group. Its always great to find groups with common interests and meet new people. If those around you are not engaging you, find new friends. The world is a big place and you’ll find your comfort group sooner or later.

Take care.

[ninjatalli]

Originally Posted by Fernang

And the posts stayed like a record of the individuals contribution. In the end we would all like to be remembered I guess. So thought of just framing this post.

I’ve been a loner all my life. I did things for others, but never expected anything in return.

Now go ahead and do things for yourself. I'll second @Red Liner's suggestion - get out of your usual circles for a while. Take a long break (quit your job if needed) and go travel. If travel doesn't excite you, treat yourself to a quaint location (say a commercial beach side or hill station) where you will be treated well, even if you have to pay for it. You deserve it, for as long as it takes. And maybe in a different setup, you might find friends in the least expected places. Treat yourself this change.

And thanks for opening up - no matter what your local situation is, you will always have fellow bhpians on this forum to talk to.

[Sherlocked]

Just wanted to share this small video clip in the voice of Carl Sagan, which helps me to take my mind off the things that I sometimes take too seriously, that are apparently all in my head.

It makes you realize how tiny or small you are "in the grand scheme of things"

From the wikipedia page:

Pale Blue Dot is a photograph of planet Earth taken on February 14, 1990, by the Voyager 1 space probe from a record distance of about 6 billion kilometers (3.7 billion miles, 40.5 AU), as part of that day's Family Portrait series of images of the Solar System.

In the photograph, Earth's apparent size is less than a pixel; the planet appears as a tiny dot against the vastness of space, among bands of sunlight reflected by the camera.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wupToqz1e2g

[deetee]

Originally Posted by Fernang

People I devoted my love to found my likes to be too distractive.

If you are not averse to pets, please start keeping a pet - a dog or something that which reciprocates love back. You will feel never feel lonely.
We can love gadgets and machines but they don't love back.
We can love people but they may not love back or break up.
We can love animals and they keep loving us back.

Who knows, may be your pet keeping habit can bring new love to your life.

[akshaymahajan]

Originally Posted by deetee

If you are not averse to pets, please start keeping a pet - a dog or something that which reciprocates love back.

Unless you know what it takes to keep a pet and the commitment that comes with it, I would not keep a pet - especially a dog.

[download2live]

Originally Posted by Fernang

I was having lunch a few months back in the school cafetaria

You are in college maybe?

Originally Posted by Fernang

I’ve been a loner all my life.

I would look at it the other way and say that you have not met that many people. I made many of my friends after college.

This is something I picked up from Reddit.
If you are lonely, don't look for friends, look for activities/hobbies and the friends will follow.

Hobbies are the key. Not the hobbies we pretend to have for MBA interviews. Real geniune ones. You connect with people and soon enough you are going to meet-ups and what not. I know my colleague who is part of cycling group and they meet up to cycle together.
One is a Remote control plane nerd and goes weekly to a place they book where they fly their expensive toys.
Then there is evergreen Badminton clubs which come rain and shine, are always available.

Key is to know that life is not only studies. Studies do not gurantee success in life. Being around people and working with them, helping them, getting helped to achieve common goals is the secret.

In short: Half of the work of having a good social life is just to hang around lots of people. You will soon figure out how to handle good bad and ugly.
This is something which was natural for our parents who grew up surrounded by people. Not with our generation of Nuclear families.

I see that you have a bug for Fountain pens. There are forums for that.

[adisan]

One profound truth regarding humans is that each of us is alone.

The natural tendency of the human mind is to avoid being alone. By going after relationships, career, entertainment, other pursuits. When something does not work according to its expectations, disappointment results. If the disappointment is mild, sadness is experienced; and depression if the disappointment is severe. The disappointment itself is proportional to the expectations one had.

The only problem with following this tendency of the mind to escape being alone, is that it is never-ending.

So what might be the solution? To understand that each person should drive their mind rather than be driven by it. To drive the mind, one needs to know oneself as being separate from one's mind, and of the mind being a tool. That is where spirituality comes in.


Disclaimer: I am not trained in medical practice, psychology nor psychiatry. The above views are based on observations and learnings from my life experiences.

[tchsvy]

I have suffered from depression and it hit me hard when you said you felt alone among hundreds, 'Mahfil me tanha', been there, survived that phase. When you are this down, it takes a bit of will power to come out of it, but never hesitate to take professional help, we can only offer you few words, our experiences, that's about it.

In my case, it was not the negative thoughts that were killing me inside, it was knowing that I was having negative thoughts. I wrote this in telugu during that time..

వెంటాడే నీడని చీకటి మింగుతుందని దీపాన్ని ఆర్పేసా, నీడని మింగిన చీకటి ఆకలంటూ నా వైపు చూస్తోంది!

(T: to kill the shadow that's chasing me, i switched off the light, now the darkness is looking to consume me.
Shadow = negative thoughts, darkness = void in my brain)

I know i need to get rid off the negative thoughts, but at the same time I was afraid that the void would consume me!

But understanding that the mere function of my brain is to 'think', and thoughts of all nature, positive and negative will sprout from the same damned mind, by trying to supress those thoughts, I am only complicating it! Then came the question what shall I do? Then somewhere I read a definition of meditation, it said our mind is a monkey, it jumps from one tree to another tree all the time, meditation is giving it a banana to keep it at one place.

This made sense to me, tried to find a banana for my mind. Putting thoughts to paper, converting thoughts into poetry ( doesn't matter if its good or bad, just putting it on paper mattered), water colour paintings, mobile photography were few of many bananas I gave my mind. I was not trying to be a pro in any of these, I just wanted to do these things, that's it. I also urge you to give some sort of banana to your mind, keep it occupied.

To be loved is a great feeling, but it has to start from us, we need to love ourselves first and foremost. You are too young to lose hope, just take some time off from everything that you are doing, do whatever you feel like doing, or don't do anything, if you feel like that. Speak to a professional when you feel comfortable about it.

[amol4184]

Originally Posted by Fernang

Everything I loved to do, being organised, loving driving and riding , loving to write with fountain pens, learning about things, movies that I loved watching... everything seemed to create resentment. And I’m just tired. I’m just tired. I think people want to be remembered if only for a little while after they’re gone. Lastly I’m reminded of a quote from Blade Runner, All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

Okay, this post is making me squishy and I really feel for you my dude.

I seriously think you should talk this out with a therapist and get counselling. No big deal and you will be AMAZED how much difference a professional can make in your life. I cannot give you many details here publicly but I have personally seen transformation in someone close after they started taking help (secretly. They were too ashamed of their own depression and asking for help). You may send me a PM.

I am unsure if you have anxiety or have just lost interest in everything but try this.
You don't even have to leave your room/home - the consulting sessions happen on video. You can find a counsellor/therapist on CureFit (its an app) and start looking for help. I am no way associated with them, just good experience of someone I know. There must be other apps like this.

[doxinboy]

Originally Posted by Fernang

And then there was this amazing person who came into my life and she showed that I was somehow worth loving. So you devote yourself to her and then one day you realise that she’s gone and she took her love with her and you do not know what to do.

Dude! Dude!

Listen up my man, I'm talking heart to heart with you just like your bro or one of the living fibers deep in your heart.

I completely understand what you are going through. It's as if you are caught in the tunnel and you see a fast train approaching very fast and don't know what to do. Life is over, all the things you did, every emotion comes rushing one last time. But it repeates. Every damn day.

When that unbearable emotional trauma hit me really hard, I almost decided to hang up my gloves. But in the dead of a night something within, a voice, if you would like to call that, told me some amazing things about life and existence. Life hits you hard, it tests you in innumerable ways. Life is not designed to be linear. It has a valley of despair and desperation before you climb the hills of greatness, joy and contentment. This is our time to be in the valley. Look ahead you can almost see the uphill. The moment you decided to share your story with us here, is itself a sign that you are ready to put your past behind and are looking forward for a brand new adventure.

If you look at bamboo plant, it hardly grows in the first five years and you feel like throwing the damn thing out. But something magic happens within the next six weeks. It shoots up almost 90 feet my friend. That's the magic of life.

I looked at my face in the mirror for the first time. I had forgotten who I was or what I looked like. Ho hoo! to my horror I looked horrible just like that damned filthy orcs . Next day I did something I never thought I do. Joined a gym and focused all my energy and became a best version of myself.

As yourself and fellow BHPian friend had mentioned in the above posts, this too will pass my friend, it will. Just like that tear drop lost in the ocean.

PS: the reason I am posting this at 4 AM I hit my gym between 5 and 7. Far better activity than the mushy mushy crap *puke emoji*

[mygodbole]

The pain you feel is your love. The ache is knowing you walk on, without your soul mate's insights and guidance and knowledge.

She is NOT lost, you are.

You need to figure out the next steps, without that specific 'opposition' she presented to all/any of you decisions.

Grief is personal.

Your partner is in a better place, no pain, no worries, no bills to pay, no 'khana kya khana hai', no petrol price hike worries, no ... ad nauseum.

Your soul mate is not gone, she lives on in you and in all those memories etched out on the hearts of all that knew her as your soul mate. Ask yourself, is this how she expected you to react?

Go, do things that you enjoy(ed with her). Drive, live to drive, do NOT drink and drive. Watch movies, sing in the shower, make a 'burnt water' tea, just live. Because that is what your partner taught you to do, live!

And remember, grief is personal, no one else experiences it the way you do. T-BHP is here, you run into any problem, we are here to help. Just tell us what you need.

[Memnon]

I am going to be honest. Although it might initially seem more depressing, once someone accepts it, it can become liberating.

A child who goes to school thinking that everything is going to be alright when he studies and gets a job. A young man who believes that life is going to be awesome for ever once he marries that sweetheart. Like a team bhpian who believes that life is going to be perfect once he gets that M340i. It is not.
Anything outside yourself is not going to be the real solution. Everything will let you down if you give it too much importance.
Whether it is your job or your wife or your children. Especially the children part is the one that really demolishes people, as in our culture we give too much to them. You can invest in all this and still be happy only if you know for sure that you expect nothing back. And that is hard.

I understood recently, that "death" is not a singular event that happens some day. From the minute we were born, the process of death also started. Some day, it will become "complete". And the fair part is that everyone is on the same boat regardless of whether they know it or not.

The only solution is to be grateful for all the "little" things around us. The air we breathe,the water we drink, the sunshine, the flowers, the trees, the birds etc. These things are more important than anything else, yet we are not aware.

My experience is that Life will change once there is true gratitude for the little things and a larger perspective that we are just lucky to be able to experience even the little things which actually no one owes us.