[Fuldagap]

Originally Posted by bblost

In the past, people had to deal with negative toxicity from close family.

Now with the social media, it brings in all the judgements from complete strangers and in a relentless never ending flood.

https://x.com/Akshita_N/status/1792380078787305645

A child had fallen on a sun shade and was luckily saved. But the video went viral. With that started the trolling of the mother.

She hanged herself.

The world needs to introspect before writing anything on social media. Its not too much to ask.

The mother is gone. As miserable & sorrowful as it is, her suffering has ended. The grief the child would suffer life long is unimaginable and will shadow him/her forever.

[fawad0222]

The problem with the mental issues is that they belong to that organ of the body, which itself is responsible for deciding a suitable response to an event or an issue. When it is itself affected, it becomes very difficult to extract a regular response from it and here comes the responsibility of other people who should recognise the issue and take suitable action.

Now in our country when the problem is identified, next logical step is go to its expert and try to resolve it. Here is another great problem, as the mental health infrastructure here is grossly lacking and whatever is there, is seldom up to the mark.

So finally it all comes back to the people surrounding the affected person. who have to take the lead. Awareness is increasing but the frequency of the issues is increasing at a higher rate
Regards

[tchsvy]

Originally Posted by fawad0222

So finally it all comes back to the people surrounding the affected person. who have to take the lead. Awareness is increasing but the frequency of the issues is increasing at a higher rate
Regards

In most cases the affected person doesn't want to accept the problem because of the stigma, the word 'mental' in mental health itself is feared and people don't want to see a 'mental doctor'.

I have a close family member who suffers from anxiety, but they don't want to accept it, they have been told by several doctors and specialists that they suffer from anxiety and that physicians can't help them, but they are still looking for the doctor who will 'diagnose' the 'real problem' and give them the 'magic pill' that will put an end to their suffering. I think they understand, but they don't want to accept it because of the stigma or because they are afraid of the long road to recovery(?).

[fawad0222]

Originally Posted by tchsvy

In most cases the affected person doesn't want to accept the problem because of the stigma, the word 'mental' in mental health itself is feared and people don't want to see a 'mental doctor'.

I have a close family member who suffers from anxiety, but they don't want to accept it, they have been told by several doctors and specialists that they suffer from anxiety and that physicians can't help them, but they are still looking for the doctor who will 'diagnose' the 'real problem' and give them the 'magic pill' that will put an end to their suffering. I think they understand, but they don't want to accept it because of the stigma or because they are afraid of the long road to recovery(?).

They will understand only if they see the treatment making a difference in such condition. That's possible only if they read about the success of such treatment in real patients or come across such patients getting benefitted with treatment.

Regards

[KL01toKA03]

I'm writing my experience with life hoping to take some burden off my mind:

I was born in a family where almost all of my close relatives were extremely successful in terms of education and employment. The environment at home was extremely positive and there were hardly any fights. I was quite good at studies till I encountered a bad experience from a distant relative. Although I had the clarity of thought to not blame myself, I think I became an introvert after that. As a result of that, I liked to observe and analyze things.

I did not do too well in the tenth grade exam, and that was a rude shock for my parents. I was also sad for a few months, mostly because I felt that I had let them down. They got help from some friends and secured admission in the science stream. As expected (at least for me) I did not do too well there too. Meanwhile, my younger sister secured 10th rank in the state in her tenth board exam.

Against my wishes, I had to join engineering. I struggled throughout the course and somehow finished the course in 5 years. My sister also completed engineering (but she liked it), and started working in a reputed software company. After I completed my graduation, I obviously did not get any placement from college. My parents told me that I should go for higher studies. I had enough of studies, and I knew I wasn't interested in that. All I wanted was freedom. I spent one month travelling across the country, spoke to some of my friends and understood the options available. I managed to get a job in a software company in Gurgaon as a technical writer. I overheard my parents saying that I might not last a month there. However, I was determined to stand on my feet. To my surprise, I found corporate life quite enjoyable. I was soon making much more money than some of my classmates who were much better in academics.


At that point I thought, and I guess my parents thought that the worst was behind us. My sister got married and after a few years I also got married (both arranged marriages). I had a difficult time (or should I say I made my wife's life difficult). I had lost any interest in religion/god, and my wife is deeply religious. That caused some problems initially, but we got over that. My in-laws used to control my wife, and later when we had children they used to overrule decisions which I took for my children. I tried to control myself, but I couldn't stop myself one day. I had a big fight with my in-laws and asked them to leave the house. I still don't talk to them, but now my wife understood my perspective after my in-laws did the same thing in my brother-in-law's house and got thrown out from there also. They are free to visit our house and spend time with grand-children, but now they do not stay for months at a stretch.

Meanwhile, my sister went through a messy divorce, and I could see her and my parents struggle with the effects of that. They reached a point where they felt that the entire world was against them, however, unknown to them, I was also going through a bad patch in my family life and career. I can confidently say that I weathered the storm of my issues, but on some days I do wonder whether I could/should have done more to help my parents/sister. I still do not have answers for many questions in life, but I certainly feel strong. I had moments where I pondered ending life as a shortcut, but I could not do it.

Looking back, I think what helped me was the fact that I did not seek or expect any divine help. I did not have any false hope that my problems would magically disappear. I accepted the problems and fixed whatever I could.

Coming to the topic of depression, I used to ask myself if I was depressed. I think I was not depressed during my school/college life despite less than average marks and failures in multiple exams. I knew that it was only a matter of time, and that if I cleared an exam (say 10th board exams), I would start the next year at the same stage as my classmates who did well in academics.

Relationships were a totally different story. My wife and I had a bad start to our married life, and we tried to bury our differences. After my troubles with my in-laws reached a breaking point, we had a lengthy discussion and realized that despite all differences we loved each other. Since then, we have accepted each other and we have not fought ever since.

I think my parents/sister could be depressed considering what they went through. I know that they expected more from me, but I was fighting my own demons at that time. By the time my struggles were over, I have realized that we have drifted apart and that there is an ocean between us. We talk once a week, but I did not make an effort to volunteer to help. I think I formed a shell around me, my wife and our children and restricted myself to that. Everything else was secondary. I have a successful career, a happy family, and in a reasonably good state with respect to money/savings. However, on some corner of my mind, I know I could have done more for my parents.

[rakesh_r]

Originally Posted by KL01toKA03

I'm writing my experience with life hoping to take some burden off my mind:

Glad to see a fellow tech writer on tbhp, had been hunting for long but couldn't find.
What you have penned down is something almost similar to what I have gone through. We all have have been and still fight those inner demons from the day we stepped into this world. You either succumb or stand against the demons like a wall.
I think, you still have time to set things straight with your parents .

[KL01toKA03]

Originally Posted by rakesh_r

I think, you still have time to set things straight with your parents .

The only thing stopping me is a selfish fear of opening old wounds, and creating new problems for them. How will they react to things that happened in my life that they still do not know? Will they start blaming themselves and go down a slippery slope? While there are many incidents that I would rather not have in my life, I have found peace, and I have moved on. So, I don't think I might ever have an open discussion with my parents or anyone else about what I am going through. I am posting this here only because of the comfort of anonymity.

[am1m]

Originally Posted by KL01toKA03

I accepted the problems and fixed whatever I could.
...
After my troubles with my in-laws reached a breaking point, we had a lengthy discussion and realized that despite all differences we loved each other. Since then, we have accepted each other and we have not fought ever since.
...
I have a successful career, a happy family, and in a reasonably good state with respect to money/savings.

Each of these statements is an indication of maturity, a positive and practical attitude, and the true signs of adulthood. None of these are easy for a lot of people, so kudos to you.

You are living life on your terms, this is something most of us in India find very, very hard to do, even as adults. We're too enthralled by our parents and elders and think they know best always, and let them take all the decisions for us even as adults.

The reality is that they made enough mistakes as well and all most of them did was blindly follow what their elders did. Being an adult doesn't mean miraculously not making any mistakes. It means making your mistakes, not repeating those your parents made, and then fixing them yourself.

There is no 'perfect' version of life or even an ideal version of what your life can be (that's only for the marketing that 'life coaches' and fitness trainers do!) It's a continuous process and those that can take joy in the whole messy process, while it all happens, are the truly enlightened and contented ones.

Originally Posted by KL01toKA03

However, on some corner of my mind, I know I could have done more for my parents.

This is the guilt that we're all taught to carry throughout our lives. And no matter how much you do, it never ends. Certainly one does one's duty towards one's parents. But we should shed the guilt. It just leaves us open to emotional blackmail- "You will become a doctor", "You will marry only who I tell you to", "When are you going to have kids?", "When are you going to do this", "Oh look at those people, they have this and that, why don't you?" etc. etc.

[RunGaDa]

That is a very candid tale and appreciate you taking the effort to write it. Relationships are always difficult, particularly in a competitive world where only certain trades selected in education are fulfilling good salary to sustain. One cannot really make a living out of drawing, painting, history major, writing poems. The world is pitched in preparing more and more people to serve for some big companies, so that they will not decrease their profit share, no matter what.
The pressure is tremendous when it comes to all close relatives scoring top ranks in education. Here the parents must have not really forced you to take up some difficult graduation trade. But also understand the perspective of parents who want to see you having a good life in future.
About relationships and breakups - they happen and there are times when no one can stop a break up. One must just move on without keeping a grudge or guilt inside the head.
Wishing you the best.

[drsnt]

In my journey of life as a doctor and lawyer, having depression at one point in life to the extent of suicidal thoughts twice. I have come a long way. However, everyone has their way of dealing with situations. My experience is that overthinking is the biggest trigger for depression. The loop of "What if" is endless and causes wide fluctuations in the imaginary world inside one's mind ultimately leading to falling into a depression funnel.

As a parent, I would advise everyone never to close communication channels with their loved ones. Be it parents, siblings, spouses or children. Most things get resolved by a few minutes of empathy and love.

Cheerio

[KL01toKA03]

Originally Posted by am1m

This is the guilt that we're all taught to carry throughout our lives. And no matter how much you do, it never ends. Certainly one does one's duty towards one's parents. But we should shed the guilt. It just leaves us open to emotional blackmail- "You will become a doctor", "You will marry only who I tell you to", "When are you going to have kids?", "When are you going to do this", "Oh look at those people, they have this and that, why don't you?" etc. etc.

In many ways, I was immune to direct pressure from the society. From a very young age, I was encouraged to question everything and not do anything based on expectations/pressure from society. Even in the case of the decision to choose engineering for graduation, I had a lengthy debate with my parents before I accepted their decision. Although my parents thought I was not trying hard enough in studies, they made a valid point. Getting a degree in engineering would open so many choices in the future. I could also agree that many other degrees that would be easier to study wouldn't have favorable career prospects. I had even thought of dropping out and pursuing something else in case engineering did not work out. Even at a point when I was failing more exams than I could clear, my parents kept encouraging and supporting me. I guess by that time they too realized that it was not laziness that was causing the bad results.

After I became financially independent, I stopped asking my parents for opinions about any decision that I had to take (though I would still inform them of many decisions). I knew that they would be okay with that.

Originally Posted by RunGaDa

The pressure is tremendous when it comes to all close relatives scoring top ranks in education. Here the parents must have not really forced you to take up some difficult graduation trade. But also understand the perspective of parents who want to see you having a good life in future.

While I cared about my parents' opinions about my education, I did not care about what the society thought about it. To be honest, I had the luxury to afford failure since my parents were quite successful (by the standards of the salaried class). Worst case, I would have become a parasite with limited needs, feeding off the pension of my parents. However, the urge to be independent was so fierce that during a time before I got my first full-time job I survived on Rs. 10,000 per month that I received from an internship in Gurgaon. That included food, travel, accommodation and all other expenses.

[sanjeevs]

That’s a brave and a candid writeup where you have penned all the life’s struggles and the battles. I must say that all these experiences have a made you a mature person and now you are equipped with the life skills to handle personal struggles. We all endure different experiences, and these experiences equip you with the skill sets and the confidence to face the adversaries.
In my humble opinion we all feel that we should have done more to our family members in the hour of need but remember that one also comes with this own baggage of troubles to deal with, and all these gestures cannot be weighed or counted. On the flip side note these points are well understood by the family members and if it’s not there one can take extra initiative to make them understand by speaking your point of view. In all the relationships, communication is the key to everything and note that speaking up is not the only option but the other person’s body language, behaviors can also be a good indicator. The only requirement is that the other person has to imagine being in some other’s shoes.

[ZenMaster]

Originally Posted by KL01toKA03

The only thing stopping me is a selfish fear of opening old wounds, and creating new problems for them. How will they react to things that happened in my life that they still do not know? Will they start blaming themselves and go down a slippery slope? While there are many incidents that I would rather not have in my life, I have found peace, and I have moved on. So, I don't think I might ever have an open discussion with my parents or anyone else about what I am going through. I am posting this here only because of the comfort of anonymity.

As someone who had gone through depression, facing your difficulties on your own while trying to keep up a brave face and a smiling facade for others, I understand the difficulty in opening up to your loved ones. Especially the ones you wanted to "protect" from your own burden.

But the truth is, a lot of what we feel is the result of our own overthinking. We spend too much time being in their shoes worrying about what they would think. All while, a simple hug would be all that enough to melt the ice. You don't always need to say things out loud. Those who love you will feel you. All they need to know is that you truly love them and that they truly love you. Its our overthinking and what I call "emotional simulations" where we subconsciously think over a million possibilities of what if scenarios in our mind which saps out all our mental & emotional strength.

Right now you are worrying about what you couldn't do for your family back then.

If you can't reach out to them now, in the future, you will end up in sorrow about not being their for them when they were alive.

You can love them only as long as they are in this world.

Considering that you are still in touch even if infrequently with your parents, its not difficult (even though I know its a huge iceberg in your mind). It will fill up the emptiness you still fell in your heart even though you have overcome the difficult stages in your life and are living "comfortably".

[Fuldagap]

With no disregard meant to any bhpian's comments above, things are not as simple to sort out once a person goes into depression. Every individual is unique, his echelon of feelings & emotions unique. If communicating or hugging would have solved most problems, it would be a godsend. Both communicating and hugging help, but they don't work with everyone. for some, communicating or hugging might even worsen it.

Sometimes things with people run so deep that nothing ever works again. Some commit suicide, some remain on therapy & medicines, some simply suffer everyday till the last day of their lives. The trigger or the cause might be trivial from somebody's perspective but the one who suffers, only he knows what he went through to reach the stage of depression. Sometimes the triggers or causes are huge events (from society's perspective at least).

Some people learn to live with it, some don't, some can't. Some really come out of it. Every individual's story and how he could or could not cope with it, is unique.

The only winner in the end is suffering. There is no escape.

On a lighter note, maybe Thanos was right afterall!