[neofromcapone]

Please see a good psychologist, refusing to go to school is not the problem, that is the symptom of the trauma, your little girl is facing.

I would recommend Dr. Avinash DeSouza Link and seek his expertise for a specialist in Pune.
He is treating my autistic son and is good.
Google him.

And I am so sorry for your loss, please accept my condolences.
You will be going thru your own grief and overwhelmed by the situation.
May God give you and your family the strength to navigate this difficult time.

[PrasadS]

I want to point out something here. Before you seek help from a psychiatrist/psychologist/councellor, find out how your daughter views these occupations and her opinions about them
Kids these days have strong views (sometimes wrong) about said people and will hesitate or distance themselves as soon as these names are even mentioned around them.

I am a music tutor and educator and luckily have a very friendly bond with all my students regardless of their age. They end up talking freely with me about topics which they might not even discuss with their family, be it small fights or big issues. I love to share my life experiences with them and help them understand their own thoughts as well as the opposite parties side(a good mediator i am told).

Just a couple of days ago i had a talk with a student who's close to your daughter's age. She likes my class soo much that after shool, she just ran out from the rickshaw into her room and without even eating, started the online session. But looking at her face i felt something off as she seemed unusually too eager to do a class, as if she was running away from something. After prodding a bit, amidst a few tears she vented out her frustration about a couple of things.

Long story short, she's an achiever and too smart and educated for her age.
1: Lockdown crashed her sleeping habits and she's turned nocturnal. That's the only one problem with that kid.
2: She overprepared for a math exam but during exam got stressed due to time limit and made mistakes. Got lesser marks than expected and got in a foul mood and missed a not-so-important follow up exam and even a day or two of school(annual day preparations and no teaching at school so i better stay at home instead of getting bored there she said).
3: she was literally bored with the same school and ambiance and wanted a change of scenery so she mentioned a change of school to her parents(this was completely unrelated to any problems)
All the above things happened almost simultaneously and her concerned parents had a word and mentioned this to her teacher including the change of school topic. The teacher then took her to the school counselor and they had a 2 hour session (maybe the kid exaggerated the time to me) which put her off even further.

She mentioned all of the above to me and i patiently listened and just spoke to her and asked her about her take on all of this to let her gather her thoughts. She doesn't like to be treated as a kid, and told me it was a bad phase but she's over it now and she's learnt from it, but she's worried the teacher and councellor won't letting things go. She's an over thinker at this age. I reasoned with her and got her to laugh and share. She felt i did a better job than the councellor and i should get the job instead.

My understanding so far:
She just needed to vent out. She took a few silly decisions and learnt from it later.
I understand the parents worry that a kid who's not usually like this behaves in an unexpected way.
These kids are smart and already have shields up around some people, but i was lucky enough to be able to maintain a good rapport with my amazing students (proudly call them my bacchas) and can bypass this shield to reach them. And happy that they reach out to me when needed.
I see this happening with lots of kids now a days, especially after COVID. This generation needs special attention but in a different, non traditional way, as they are more intelligent than we were as kids. They are too hard on themselves and don't know how to relax( I blame social media or some people around them for unrealistic expectations of perfection, but mostly the former). They unfortunately lack the wisdom or life experiences to handle themselves or situations around them.

So just try to have a heart to heart talk with her, or if she's not that expressive, atleast gauge her thoughts before taking her to any professional help as this generations pre-prepared shields are too durable(almost 5* ncap rated).
Try to get her into new hobbies or better yet, both of you can try something together (learning music can be one, as it's an emotional bond with self and with others).
I'm not a professional on this and what i wrote above are all my experiences so far, just stating my thoughts without the proverbial penny.
Take care of yourself too as your stress on this topic might be perceived by your smart and amazing daughter. Wish you both all the best and all the happiness there is.

[IshaanIan]

Originally Posted by luvDriving

ICSE board school

As someone who studied in an ICSE school till 8th standard, I would recommend a change of schools. I understand other difficulties and am truly sorry to read about such a massive loss you and your daughter had to suffer and will refrain from giving advice on that matter since I do not pretend to know better in that regard. But just simply quit the ICSE schooling and place her in a school with IGCSE syllabus.

I too studied in an ICSE school between 5th and 8th standard (did a bit of home schooling and alternative schooling until the 5th standard) and I can attest that the system is very flawed. Mine was one of the more prominent schools in town as well but still my parents would get concerned that I was failing subjects left right and center until one day they met my physics teacher and he explained how he would mark my answers wrong if I depicted a battery pictographically without mentioning positive and negative terminals in written English beside the big and small lines he would mark a distance-time graph with a horizontal line running parallel to time, as wrong if I deduced that the object was not moving and claimed that I ought to write that the object is stationary instead. These are just some examples or atleast the most obvious silly examples but when I shifted to an IGCSE school I immediately rose to the top of my class in all subjects (except hindi but I was no longer struggling with it as much as I was in my ICSE school) not only because the faculty tends to get paid better so might posses better teaching skills but mainly because the text books were so brilliant; everything one ever needed to learn could be done from reading the text books for the subject. They were just that comprehensive and easy to understand at the same time. It was so much better to do math with a calculator because you would get to test your math abilities in more intricate and interesting ways or atleast get to learn it better. Geography went from being my least favorite to my most favorite subject because of all the cool case studies that one got to learn from instead of mugging all the names of all the estuaries of rivers in India Subject matter was simply better absorbed and more interesting at the same time across the board be it in math, science, or language subjects and I would encourage you to look into an IGCSE school as an option for your daughter.

[McLaren Rulez]

Originally Posted by luvDriving

Another thought in my mind is to change her school to another regular school or an irregular school which uses alternate teaching methods.
Actually I am at my wit's end. Suggestions / comments / thoughts welcome.

Condolences to you and big props on taking the smart route by finding the source of the problem and not simply forcing your daughter to go to class.

1. While your daughter has been through a lot of emotional anguish, her specific issue with Hindi classes and not school in general might be something to keep in mind.

2. Changing to another school is probably for the best, but ask her before you do that. There is the downside of losing the regular friend group. But giving her options and including her in the change of schools process will be better than springing a surprise on her.

Good luck and remember that even a full year spent in finding the solution is completely inconsequential when your daughter grows up!!

[Engine_Roars]

When I was in school, there was one teacher who just hated me for no reason. I was a very timid, shy kid who just existed. She used to hit me, insult me and what not, I never understood the reason. I was scared to go to school. I never got to know the reason but I had become a easy target.

Although, you have already spoken about it but try and dig deeper to see if the kid is scared of Hindi the subject or the teacher. If it is just the subject, how about taking help of a tuition teacher? Just for a while, for your kid to gain some confidence in Hindi. I hope both of you come out of this stronger. God speed.

[condor]

To add to the good suggestions above, (may even am duplicating this point):

Meet the principal and the teacher for Hindi. The key part would be the meeting with the Hindi teacher, on how the person interacts with you. If the teacher is the one who is causing the resistance in your child, then it will show though not overtly. Else the teacher can be your eyes and ears in the class as to why your child is not liking the class.

*

To add to what V Narayan said, not just children, sometime even adults are not able to understand what they are going through - especially after challenging life events.

*

I suspect something is happening in class. If the teacher is not causing it, then the teacher is the best person to see what is happening there - they will know what is happening, how each student is, and who is doing what.

[mayankk]

Before anything else, I have to commend you for having the mindset and understanding to ask for help where possible and necessary. My request is that you do not hesitate ever to ask for help, please continue to do so.
So many adults feel like they want to power through whatever life throws at them, on their own. Dont do that.
I have been reading your posts since you posted in the depression thread, and I cannot even fathom what you went through. Please take all care as you have been doing for so long.

As to you daughter not wanting to go to school, if you feel Hindi is a problem, look for a school with a board where its not compulsory. IB, I would suppose. Hindi is really not the end-all be-all to move forward in the world.
Moreover, she may also be wanting to dissociate from places which kick up memories.

I wish you all the strength in the world, and we may all be keyboard buddies here, but do not hesitate to reach out.

[Mustang_Boss]

I (Male) am not a teacher but i can say the following based on my personal experience, when i was ~8/9 years:

What happened:
- I was scared of Hindi, just like all south indians. My parents are traditional south Indians and they don't knew even alphabets in Hindi. so, 0 help at home.

Dad was Govt Servant. We moved to a town where there are many muslims around, who primarily spoke hindi. All my friends used to speak hindi and Telugu, but being with them and the way they interacted, within 1 year, i was miles ahead in Hindi. Even today, i could be in the top 5% of fluent speakers in Hyderabad. Sadly all my skills were limited to speaking and i hardly got 50% marks in written exams. That's different though as it was ~30 years ago, when there were no TV's/Youtube.


If i could apply what i learned to your situation, i see the following:

- She is in pain (Familiy).
- She is not able to digest the loss and she is seeing a small uphill at school and she doesn't want to fight.


What i recommend:
- Hiring an educated woman who speaks your daughter's mother tongue and Hindi (Fluently).
- The teacher is just to interact and talk her through, partially in hindi, and slowly moving up the language complexity.

Why?
- Women have a different approach style when compared to men, so having a parent like, someone who can navigate through and to speak regarding her chores etc will help a lot.
- Do not introduce the new teacher as a Teacher. just as someone who will be there to help the kid when you are at work or something similar. She should start interactions in your kid's mother tongue and slowly move towards hindi.
- The kid should like the teacher a bit. The conversations will build the needed rapport down the line.
- Once you are comfortable driving on heavy traffic roads and highways, you would be eager to venture out into the wild and off-roading. You would not be hesitant. You would be looking forward to it. Is it not? Now coming to her, considering how good she is in other subjects, Could we apply similar behavior here?

[Raghu M]

Sorry to hear about your untimely loss of your wife. It must be hard on the kid. While I cannot offer any suggestion, I am closely watching the space as I have 2 kids and would like to know what kind of advice works for you. I was not keen on such topics earlier but since I am a father now, I can understand your pain. I am sure your kid will bounce back and do well in school. We as adults find it hard to cope up with so many situations that life throws at us and she is just a kid, she will need time to understand what is going around her and get back to normal. Please keep us posted. Good luck to you and your kid!

[SuperGirl_Dad]

Originally Posted by shankar.balan

Do not force the little one to learn Hindi as her second language. See if there are alternatives such as French and German and Italian and Spanish.
Hindi isn’t the be all and end all of life. There is a whole world beyond it. Even I hated the subject in school as many others in Southern India did and even now do. So as soon as I got a chance I ran to French. And Stand with your child in this. She will bless and reward you for it later.

Very sorry to the OP for his loss. +1 to the above. Do not worry about the language. Learning to effectively communicate is different from learning from a text book. I can narrate well, as I had difficulty learning even my own mother tongue - Tamil. I just passed the courses in school. Adding Hindi made it even more difficult in middle school. I learnt the Hindi alphabets for 3 years straight and still I couldnt manage to write them properly. That's how slow I was. I used to hate going to school for this. One way it worked for me was going to a extra coaching. I was given a choice - I could learn my favorite guitar lessons if I attend 1 hr extra Hindi class. Jumped to learn French in a heartbeat when it was made available at high school.

Kids these days are bright, give her an option of what she would like to do, maybe music, drawing, dancing etc. along with with extra Hindi class. Please talk to her and support her.

[The Rationalist]

Dear luvDriving,

As someone who lost his mother at age 8 (that too on my birthday) and have never ever recovered fully yet, please take her to a counsellor or child psychiatrist. It’s too traumatic to lose one’s mother at such young age. There’s a saying “when a father dies a family loses a livelihood, when a mother dies a whole family is destroyed”. Hope you are open to finding a new partner who can be a good mother to your girl.

Coming to the language thing, my daughter doesn’t like our mother tongue Malayalam. She says it’s difficult to ‘draw’ the Malayalam letters! She says Malayalam is your mother tongue and English is her mother tongue. She used to talk to us in English from small age due to Youtube influence, even though we used to talk to her in Malayalam! She barely can read it. I have put her in an IGCSE school, yes its expensive, I had to let go of the plans of buying a expensive car. But as it was my decision to bring a human being into this world, I have to take the responsibility of doing the best possible from my side.

Please free to message or call up if you need to talk. I don’t how much that will help, but that’s the least I could do. Hope your baby comes out of this and have a happy life. We are all out there to help you and your daughter, hugs for that beautiful girl.

[edunata]

Please immediately consult some psychologist. Exactly same situation happened to the son of a very close friend of mine. The end was very pathetic.

This generation is very sensitive. As, she is very good in other subjects and ahead of her peers, she can not cope with the fact that she lagging behind of her peers in Hindi. So, she wants to avoid it. This originates depression, which can yield some disastrous result. The death of her mother added some more depression in her life.

So, again I request you to immediately consult some psychologist and to spend time with her, as much as you can.

[AltoLXI]

The doctor in video is giving shots to baby without making it cry.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mROekpzSgEY

Similarly a teacher, if they can understand the kids - as they are supposed to, should inspire and motivate the kids to learn without learning becoming a burden. Every kid is different and a "real" teacher should be able to discern this and connect with the kids in their class.

[anjan_c2007]

I found it a bit disturbing to read the OP. The child must be having some very, very genuine grievances of her own of which she has revealed a few. The shocking fact is that her mother is no more and the child must surely be missing her the most. The main grudge is the subject "Hindi" and the teacher who teaches. The teacher appears to be somewhat cruel, when it comes to pronouncing a punishment saying the child will have to remain at school, post the school timing. Please try to get her reveal to you and her closest relatives whatever she has in her mind, understand her sentiments, feelings and how her slow speed of writing Hindi is creating such a situation where her teacher reprimands her. If the problem is that simple, do please try to resolve it at the family level with elders, whom the child trusts. And if there is something that needs a resolution beyond the family level, do not hesitate to consult a reputed psychiatrist. In the latter case, please do your homework to get feedbacks about such a reputed psychiatrist.

There are suggestions here about talking to the Principal of the school to bring it to his/her notice which I feel is a right step, if you find the attitude of the Hindi teacher biased against the child. I believe such tiny tots need to be handled with kid gloves as they happen to be very sensitive and that's what the Montessori, BEd or MEd syllabuses are all about. And schools need to sensitize the teachers regarding their demeanour with children.

The Hindi phobia of your daughter and her not wanting to go to school is also related to her level of intellect and accomplishments that include gold medals in English and Science Olympiads and her ranking among the top three students in the class. And if for such a subject like Hindi that she may or may not choose after the Tenth Board exams, she is subjected to reprimands, the child will naturally feel hurt. She will slowly develop a hatred for the subject and fear, whenever she thinks about the Hindi teacher. This is avoidable and unwanted.

Changing her school is OK but there should be no compromise about a school's standard and regularity. The new institution needs to be a regular school like the one she is attending.

Another option is to additionally engage a good, private home tutor for Hindi to boost her confidence, understanding and mindset about the subject. Home tutor because children get strained these days attending school classes and hopping to a tuition class after school hours needs to be avoided. I have preferred home tutors for my child and that worked very well.

Lastly, please take immediate control by following suggestions that you feel are logical and that which can be tried successfully. The child's predicament can still be mitigated with prudence and logic by following the most practical suggestions.

[iamahunter]

A little different solution from the above, take a break/vacation, let your daughter open up and you also open up to her. Try and understand the her situation and be open to listening. I think you both need a chance to overcome the huge loss.

Once back from the break when you both are much mentally comfortable with each other try the consulting with a psychiatrist, it should be more effective.

Hindi class seems to be just a channel thru which the emotions are coming up.