[famousshoes]

Originally Posted by luvDriving

Come 2022 or rather in late 2021, my daughter started to refuse to go to school on days when Hindi was on the agenda. I met her teacher and she had once asked my daughter to write faster or else she would make her wait after school........

Either she goes to the bathroom and refuses to come out or she refuses to get out of the car once we are at the school or she goes inside the gates and comes running out. In all three cases she is crying.

Does it not sound strange that an aversion to hindi can elicit such a strong reaction in your daughter?
There seems to be something more here than meets the eye. It would be a good idea to not limit your focus to hindi alone.

Another thought in my mind is to change her school to another regular school or an irregular school

It may be better to figure out the reason for this reaction and then make an informed decision. Other schools can also have similar or different issues. Once you have clarity on the root cause the solution will also present itself. It will elevate the relationship you share with your child and give
you both confidence to deal with the many challenges that life may have in store. Love and prayers

[Hispaniola]

Interesting thead. How about you read out some of the good/interesting comments on this post to your daughter? Why make it a serious topic? Let her be aware of what good or bad it brings if one loses command over a language. Find some genuine comments on this topic and read them out loud to her.

Maybe tell her how close this team-bhp family is to you and if she wants to share with us why she really hates Hindi let's hear her out through your post.

Even my brother-in-law who is in 7th hates Hindi. We have told him, no need to stand out in this subject, to bring passing marks, to know how to read and write simple Hindi text and that's it. Guess what his performance in other subjects has also improved now that he is not stressed about Hindi or Sanskrit.

[ZenMaster]

Originally Posted by luvDriving

I know this is a public forum but it is one of the places I seek consul and value the opinions of its learned members. So here goes -

My daughter has begun to refuse to go to school. She is ten years old and currently in the fourth grade. Her reason being she hates the subject Hindi and hates being the slowest hindi writer in class.

Some background - my daughter is a very intelligent child. She has won gold medals in English and Science olympiad exams and is generally in the top three ranks in school. In May 2021, her mother (my wife) passed away due to covid. That was the year of online school.

Come 2022 or rather in late 2021, my daughter started to refuse to go to school on days when Hindi was on the agenda. I met her teacher and she had once asked my daughter to write faster or else she would make her wait after school. But I was assured by the class teacher and the hindi teacher that given her mental situation, no teacher scolds her.

Now lately she has started missing school regularly. Either she goes to the bathroom and refuses to come out or she refuses to get out of the car once we are at the school or she goes inside the gates and comes running out. In all three cases she is crying.

I need some suggestions on how to encourage her to go to school regularly. I cannot do emotional blackmail or force her physically. I have asked her if there is any other reason for missing school and she empathetically says no.

Another thought in my mind is to change her school to another regular school or an irregular school which uses alternate teaching methods.
Actually I am at my wit's end. Suggestions / comments / thoughts welcome.

Dear @luvDriving,

Thank you for sharing your difficulty with us. You have shown the courage to seek help on this forum and please be assured that you will always find help from like minded people.

Before I comment on your situation, let me give a small window into the mind of the well adored Class Topper/Batch Topper who is also an introvert. I believe I am qualified to do that because I was that guy. (Introversion is a genetic trait for me that surprisingly surfaced visibly during my teens. I was a very talkative and energetic kid during childhood [like my mother] but as I got older I became more and more introverted [like my father] I progressively became more introverted during my college years when started living away from my family.)

People like me often have a bad habit of judging our self-worth constantly (more often than you think). We are constantly afraid of how we are being perceived by others and are overthinkers. And more often than not, the unit of measurement for this self-worth ends up being our achievements. For a studious kid like me it was mostly the test/exam scores and the good comments from my teachers/parents etc. If we fall back, we feel like failures/losers since being the best/topper is what makes us "feel valuable".

I was never satisfied if I didn't get 100% unless whatever I got was the best score. Whenever I fell behind in a subject, I was sad. Hindi was difficult for me also but since I was quite good at rote learning I always ended up getting more than 95% despite understanding very little. I was very good at Hindi exams, reading and writing but was very poor in communicating in Hindi and I never tried either.

Coming to you daughter's case:

There could to be 2 kinds of Reasons behind her behavior:

1. The fear of the subject/not being able to achieve the high standards she set for herself or what she thinks her family and teachers expect from her.

2. Something unrelated to studies.

and whatever the reason is, the untimely passing of her mother could have a big role in making the situation that much difficult for her to face and whatever the reason is she is not able to face it and she is unable overcome it. When one is in a sensitive state of mind - we tend to often run away from our problems/issues which we are too afraid to face or cannot overcome.

If its just her fear of falling behind in studies: Please remeember what I said about how I measured my self-worth based on my achievements. Not being able to achieve her self-imposed standards could wreak havoc to her SELF-CONFIDENCE. If this is the case what she needs is a assurance from someone she trusts that her performance in Hindi is absolutely fine. She needs to feel that not being the best is absolutely OKAY and that she will always be loved "AND VALUED" no matter what.
This is not something that need to said to her face-but something that needs to be felt through how the people in her life react to her current performance in Hindi or other other subjects. Purposely giving her a leeway mightnot always work out if she herself feels that not being the best is not an option.

If its some thing else - be it the sense of loss/loneliness due to the untimely passing of her mother or some other underlying issue at school like bullying or a bad experience from the teacher be it scolding/humilitaion or bad attitude/behaviour from the Teacher or something else- she needs to be able to open up to someone and lay down her emotional burden. (She probably doesn't know this herself).

As other members suggested: whatever is the real reason, I think its best to talk to a Counsellor/Psychologist (someone with expertise in child psychology).

I read people suggesting seeing a Psychiatrist - Please note that while they are qualified to deal with your child, Psychiatrists are meant to diagnose and treat people with Mental Illness and they usually operate out of Hospitals/Private practices like Doctors (they are doctors).

A Counsellor will have a more homely/comfortable set-up where your child as well as you will feel at ease. Some might be even willing to visit you at home

It is very important to get to the root of the matter rather than thinking its just a phase. If necessary please seek support from a counsellor to help your child open up and find what is troubling her. If its just studies then she'll get the help she needs to overcome that but if its an emotional would, its important to heal it now so that she doesn't carry in with her throughout her life.

May God give you and your wonderful kid the strength needed to overcome these difficult times and fill you with peace and hope for the future. She has a good future and you have too. You owe to yourself to seek for it.

And remember, Team-BHP members is always here to help.

[Rahul Bhalgat]

Dear luvDriving ,

My sincere and heartfelt condolences on the loss of your wife.

I haven't read all the posts except first few. I too think that loss of mother for your daughter and loss of wife for you might be the underlying cause. The advice from V. Narayan Sir seems perfect to me.

It is very important to heal her mind irrespective of the Hindi problem. Such an unfortunate event has potential to affect her nature and temperament. If unattended, it may affect not only her 30s and 40s but also the later stage of her life, when you may not be possibly there.

Mother's loss is irreplaceable. But at least make her grow amongst a number of close family members. If needed, change your location (maybe at the cost of some income) for this. Presence of other family members including the grandparents and cousins will help her to heal.

Is she the only child? Who all are staying at your home?

I am based in Pune. I am sending you my mobile number via PM. Do let me know (and feel free) if I can be of any help.

With the efforts in proper direction, I am sure she will blossom again. Best wishes for this.

[Fuldagap]

Seek professional guidance please and keep the child happier than ever before. Only love and care will work things out. If there is any other reason than just the Hindi factor, as some others have pointed out, it'll come out infront of somebody who the child thinks is a good one to speak out to.

If Hindi is indeed the problem, it is no problem. Hindi teachers are seldom good. Their Hindi is great but they are not.

I was in the same school till 10th standard. From 7th till 10th we were taught by 1 Hindi teacher. She used to abhor me. I was bad in Hindi. Used to score in 90s in all other subjects but only in 50s in Hindi. My handwriting in both Hindi and English was bad too. It was a convent school. English teachers were always fantastic to say the least. The Hindi teacher used all sorts of shaming methods to teach me a lesson. However, because I was ok in other subjects, it never bothered me and I didn't like the subject anyways. Only in the standard 10th she got to know that i was only bad in her subject. If she knew her students well she'd have known that earlier. Alas!

Although my Hindi grammar was good, never knew what went wrong with the literature part. Grammar comprised 40 marks and rest of the paper was 60 marks. Grammar used to save me from failing. I consistently scored in 50s till the boards exam in 10th standard. In the boards I scored a 75 out of 100 without any additional effort. Till date I'm confused whether my Hindi was really bad or the teacher just used to hand me low marks due to some reason.

Changing your daughter's school might or might not end the problem. Does she have good friends there, whom she likes and may not like leaving them? Engage her in creative activities for long periods of time. Read her Hindi books with her or other story books. Even reading a single paragraph everyday of any story from any book will do wonders. Point is to take her mind off the problem for even a short period of time, without her noticing.

Listening to girls at all stages of life is important and even going the way they want to go is mostly always relevant. Do what she wants to do, within reason that is. But do seek professional help. Love, care and professional help. If Hindi is not the problem, you need to somehow find out what's bothering her. She might or might not know about it too.

[download2live]

OP: You are going through a difficult phase in life. But rest assured it will pass and both you and your kid will come out with flying colors.

I can relate a bit. I had to learn a regional language as per the state education dept norms. It was if I recollect correctly, taught from year 5 till year 8. I do not want to think about that subject anymore.

Recently same thing happened with my kid who did not want to attend cultural classes going on in the school.

Turns out that the subjects get vilified in the schools. A subject is declared as non-essential, a waste of time and something which will never help in future. And this is done by the kids themselves. Should we blame them? No. We only keep telling them how important Science, Maths and English are for their future !

Now when I look back I realize that the regional language was vilified in the same way way back when I was in school. I looked upon it as a waste of time and something which will never help me in future. To be honest it has not. But then schools are places where we are meant to learn. Subtly the focus had changed by the time I was in school. Schools and Tutions were the places where we prepare for the battle called life ahead.

Check the friend circle of your kid. How they talk about the subject. Teachers have obviously failed in showing the subject in the right light. It is your job now to enable her to see language from the right perspective. Watch documentaries on history of languages. How languages evolved. How it was the biggest advantage humans had. The latest craze in town, ChatGPT is also all about language only.

I realize this now quite late in life that artists actually function at a mental level higher than engineers and scientists. Where science stops, art starts.

It is not about Hindi. Any subjects related to arts and humanities have been pretty much delegated to second class in any school where Indian diaspora is in majority !!

And also I do not understand the love for French language in India.

[ani_meher]

OP: I have no additional advice over and above the ones already given. I only want you to know that I sympathize with the situation and appreciate your decision to discuss with people rather than taking harsh or quick reactions. I hope the question reveals itself to be simple enough and you find answers and strength. All the best.

[suryaj1990]

If I were you, I would leave her to her comfort for a month. Take a leave from school at a planned time (when holidays are closing in or when school subjects are half way through)

Do not force her and let her be comforted with the fact that she can do whatever she likes. When she wants to attend, ask her not to and enjoy life. Let her clear her thoughts, spend time with her, let boredom creep in. Soon, she will reach a point where she will understand that all the kids are going to school except her and this will be turning point. Forcing her or compelling her to do something will offer nothing but resistance. Maybe the other way round helps you. I would not suggest visiting a doctor. Find your way organically with her.

[jijivishu]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I believe this is going to be a long post.*

This reminds me of a very similar incident I pulled of in 5th grade. On a Wednesday morning, I refused to get ready for school. My dad used to walk me to school as it was just a km away, and I still remember his surprised face. It was very unusual as I never(except one school where I felt claustrophobic, 4yo) hesitated going to the school even as a kid. They convinced me, and I got ready but became resistant midway. My dad tried to pull me as a traditional Indian dad, but me holding my ground pulled his hand back like a dog pulling leash on seeing a squirrel. All this was happening on the street, and I started crying out loud to grab some attention from the passersby, as I had observed that people generally used to be sympathetic with the kids. As good as my luck has been since childhood, there used to live a retired BSF uncle nearby. He saw us, gave my bag to my dad, and hung me on his shoulders to the school with absolutely zero empathy. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs throughout the journey. As the reason I told* at home was that my maths homework wasn't complete, my dad discussed it with the maths teacher upon reaching school.

Fast forward to the third period; my class teacher was absent that day, and a kind looking substitute teacher came. I approached him and complained that my head had an intense pain and made it sound like it would burst. Poor guy, out of fear, took me to our school doctor. I mentioned that I already had a tablet, and it didn't make a difference. After a brief check, they took me to the principal's office. She called my dad, who was already in the court by then, so she had to call my mum (who herself was a principal, some 50kms away). My mum came in an hour and took me back home.

What most of the people gathered was that either I was sick or I was afraid of the homework. My mum even asked me if I wanted a maths tutor after this.*

Actual reason: My mum used to be very busy, and by the time she was back home, I used to sleep. The only days we had together were Sundays and holidays. That Sunday, I don't remember, but probably it didn't feel like Sunday. Thursday was a holiday. I wanted to spend time with my mother and would have had two days straight if I didn't go to school. Children can feel on regular days what we feel on Mondays.*

The point being, children pull off various stunts, and unless we're in their shoes, we might have absolutely no idea of what is going on. I request that you start building a strong rapport with her by talking as much as you can. You are the closest person to her, and given that you believe she is very intelligent, I expect her to know exactly how your thought process works.

To get to the root of the problem, you will need to empathise with her. In order to empathize, you must observe most of her activities, from the very little subconscious gestures to the very substantial activities like her performance in subjects (rather her interest, performance is just a mere evaluation), the things that intrigue her and the things that distress her, her social life, her internet life if she uses it, and a lot more. Please do not interrogate but rather talk through some hobbies, as simple as reading the newspaper or stories with her and asking her opinions. The more you start making her feel like she has a friend in her father, the more she will be comfortable sharing her life with you.*Spend more quality time.

If you're short on time, a psychiatrist can do it any day and in a slightly better way, but the relationship you would forge with her during the process cannot be forged and transferred by him. As the bhpians already cited, it will take much more than a week to find the reasons. Changing schools suddenly sounds like building speed breakers to avoid accidents.*

I already apologise if it turns out to be true, but the hindi being the problem doesn't sound substantial to me, Hindi teacher can be but I still don't buy it. ICSE has an amazing Hindi syllabus, and having been an ICSE guy for a healthy 12 years, I can assure you that most of us take pride in our curriculum, especially Hindi and Social Studies. Talking to her friends can be an option, but again, children often share it back with the kid, so make sure it doesn't sound like you are being the surreptitious Sherlock there. I'd like to request that you take time and filter the advices from all the bhpians through what we UXers call an affinity diagram. It would help you to cite pros and cons and, in turn, provide you with an extract that might help.

I silently wish it's just those matras and pronunciations of Hindi.*

[Jaguar]

Originally Posted by luvDriving

My daughter has begun to refuse to go to school. She is ten years old and currently in the fourth grade. Her reason being she hates the subject Hindi and hates being the slowest hindi writer in class.

First of all, sorry for your loss and pray for you to get the strength to tide through this difficult phase.

As others have suggested, you need to take professional help to identify the root cause but I will suggest something that you can do immediately. Ask your daughter if she wants to go to a different section with a different Hindi teacher or a completely new school altogether. If yes, go ahead with it. Whether it will solve the problem is irrelevant, but it will instill some confidence in your daughter and she will get the assurance that you are trying to make changes.

Coming to Hindi, I believe it is usually the teacher who is responsible for making the students like or hate a subject. And unfortunately, a lot of the teachers lack sensitivity or any understanding of child psychology. I used to be a plump kid and one teacher told me in front of the class that I will die of obesity. Imagine the dent in self-confidence that statement would make on a 9/10th standard student. And mind you, I was the class topper in his subject. It still makes my blood boil two decades later.

[NetfreakBombay]

Originally Posted by IshaanIan

But just simply quit the ICSE schooling and place her in a school with IGCSE syllabus.

Do consider this. Two reasons :

• Hindi is not mandetory. It is nto a "graded" subject. So markes dont matter. It is not tought beyond 5th.
• Real reason might be something else. If it is related to bullying or something else with the environment; change of school might help.

[crashnburn_in]

I know some folks who have had transforming results via some children's meditation & self healing programs.

https://happyparenting.co.in

[rajeevsulu]

Brother, I hope you have taken some initiative and achieved good results regarding your child"s issue. I was one of the few who advised seeking professional help. As in my original reply, I had done two sessions with my counselor after my wife's passing away. Recently I had to go to her office to collect her personal belongings and also complete the office formalities. My wife used to work in Bengaluru and i live in Erode, Tamilnadu. She had kept a few very personal articles in the office and that triggered a lot of emotions. This was on Friday. On driving back, I met my counselor on Monday and i feel relieved. Am I overdoing it, I don't know! I am 52 and a surgeon, if I can't handle loss, how can a small kid? Their world is mother. I hope you and your child come out of this soon. If it is only a language or a teacher or a school that is causing these problems, life is very easy!

[prabhu7944]

Very sorry about the situation. Your daughter probably is unable to express her loss in words or cope up. She needs lot of love and attention. A mother can never be replaced. My wife lost her mother when she was in school and even after so many years she and her father still discuss about their good old days with tinge of sadness. Would suggest to put the child in a different school where pressure of studies is lower and few extra curriculur activities to keep herself busy. Please do spend a lot of time and keep talking to the child. Time will definitely heal but to an extent. God bless you and your family.

[yadunath]

Originally Posted by luvDriving

I know this is a public forum but it is one of the places I seek consul and value the opinions of its learned members. So here goes -

My daughter has begun to refuse to go to school. She is ten years old and currently in the fourth grade. Her reason being she hates the subject Hindi and hates being the slowest hindi writer in class.

Actually I am at my wit's end. Suggestions / comments / thoughts welcome.

Sir -

I think I can surely help you with resolving this problem. It's mostly psychological. It's sad that schools expect children to go through mechanical routines without regard to their strengths, likes and dislikes. She is obviously an intelligent girl, but she hasn't taken a liking to her second language.

The teacher is essentially a dumbo in this case. I say so not out of disrespect but I say so because she's only succeeding to create a fear in the mind of child rather than encourage an otherwise intelligent child to overcome her challenge.

It requires. two-pronged approach. You can use Silva method to get her to overcome her lack of confidence in Hindi and get her to improve her scoring in Hindi. Secondly, you can do parallel coaching for her in Hindi. It is also important that the Hindi teacher understands her psychology and starts treating her with dignity not by intimidating her. She's a bright student and she doesn't want to be insulted or punished (which the girl takes to be the equivalent of a weak student, which her mind vehemently resists. She is a sensitive girl and she is also missing her Mother). You must talk to her Hindi teacher.

I am happy to provide psychological help as I know specific techniques, which will work for sure. Please send me a private message if you would be interested in taking any help.