[Explorer_Jassi]

When we returned from Ireland, My daughter was 7. She had no exposure to Hindi except the conversation that we use to have at home. Joining a school here was a cultural shock for her, the teachers became strict from caring. shouting and scolding kids is very common in Indian school irrespective of the external reputation of school. She hates the high pitch of teachers. Also, she absolutely hated Hindi periods and Hindi teacher. The thing that worked in my favour is that she has been very open to me. I connected with her teachers and asked them to be gentle with her this gave, my daughter, a feeling of safety that my father will take care of things if I bring my issues to him. We gave her a confidence that it is ok to fail in Hindi unless she is trying from her side and putting efforts. During Lockdown, when we went home, I discussed this with my mother and she started taking to my daughter, started telling stories on the topics that excited her in hindi and recommended her the books with similar stories. This helped her start reading, my mother helped her understand the meanings. Now we are back to Pune and she suddenly scored 38 out of 40 in Hindi.

To summarize, Below things worked for me.
1. Talking to teachers and asking them to be gentle, not sure if they changed, but it helped in strengthening the bond between us.
2. Giving her the confidence that failing in exams is ok if you put in efforts.
3. Taking help from someone with whom the kid feels connected. In my case it was my mother, you can look around and identify someone from your family. It can be her maternal grandparents, your sister, your brother, it can be anyone with whom she is happy to spend time and talks a lot.

Love her unconditionally and she would shine like a star.

[androdev]

@luvDriving, very sorry to hear about your loss. Please accept my belated condolences.

As many have shared here, this anxiety related to a particular subject/activity at school is very common and can happen independent of any happy/sad events in family. My younger son can go to any length to skip school - he even develops fever/temperature if he is very anxious about something. Unsurprisingly, even in our case it is the dreaded Hindi but it's not the only one. Nothing can beat the combination of a mean teacher + a subject that's hard to learn.

It was relatively easy to address in my case because he is very comfortable in telling us the reason behind his anxiety, etc. We just told him not to sweat about any subject or activity that makes his life difficult. He is free to skip school and his happiness and good health is the most important to us and everything else including school is a distant second. We promised him we would have a word with his teacher to excuse him from those activities. I also spoke to his teacher and explained to her that the most important parameter for us is that he enjoys going to school and everything else including performance in academics or sports, etc. is secondary to us. I was transparent and shared my conversation details with my son. Now he is very comfortable to go to school, etc. as he feels everyone is supportive. I would have changed the school without a second thought if the teacher was insensitive to this problem or thought we were being over protective of my son.

As parents, we continue to help him relax about things he is anxious about. We also spend extra effort to help him better prepare for those situations. It's an on going process and frankly very demanding as well but the most important aspect is the trust and bond between the child and parent.

The important thing is that your child should feel comfortable to share her problems with you. You have to be very conscious of this aspect as a parent and do whatever it takes to establish this trust and in most cases have to become a different person in life for their sake. Don't be a bossman at home. If your child is not asking you a ton of questions in day to day life, you probably have some work to do to establish that bond.

You can seek professional help. Though, I would advise you to go alone by yourself first. In all likelihood, the feedback and suggestions should be about how you can gain her trust and bond with her. You absolutely do not want to convey an impression like "everyone else is perfect and she has a problem to be addressed" which is more likely to happen in most such "see a professional" scenarios if not done right.

[ais]

Originally Posted by luvDriving

Her reason being she hates the subject Hindi and hates being the slowest hindi writer in class.

This situation isn't unusual and can be dealt with. First my background. Even though it's not a good idea to cite personal examples while counseling, her situation is uncannily similar to mine, so I will.

I'm a squash coach since 26 years and have coached in several schools for about 8 years. I monitored my trainees' academic performance too, so know what helps children perform at their best.

Further, I was a good student, scoring desired percentages at will, but hated studying. Maths was my nemesis, and Calculus my dreaded enemy. Hindi and I didn't get along either. Since through a couple of demonstrations I was able to convince my teachers that I could score what they wanted (realistically) when they wanted, they left me alone. In fact after a while they supported me in my squash training by giving exemptions from school assembly etc. This encouragement resulted in a career as a successful squash coach. It turned out I didn't quite need either Calculus or Hindi! I still pull my teachers' legs on this!

In class XI and XII, I clarified to my school that I would skip Calculus and try my best in rest of Maths- I gave no choice to my school. I was as firm as a student as I am as a strict coach, and you may need to be as a Father with her school and her Grandma.

Finally, my parents never pressured me- just believed in me all along.

With this background here are my suggestions-

First of all, DEPRIORITIZE Hindi. If she just about passes in her board exams, that's good enough. Then convey this decision to the school Principal, and seek her/his support in handling the Hindi teacher. This bit is crucial. Without the Principal's support, it'll be uphill. Being good in other subjects, this should be easy. While this ought to be done by the school, you can take this as a golden opportunity to teach your child that we cannot be good at everything, so cherish what she is good at, and release the pressure of performance in what she isn't good at. If there is still a need to do well in Hindi, get a tutor who can make Hindi FUN for her, and teaches using visualization method. Sometimes it's the teacher, not the subject, that the student likes or dislikes.

Secondly, children go to school to be with friends. So don't change the school if that is her reason to go to school too.

Finally, try to find a confidante who can cross check if there is any other reason other than her dislike for Hindi for avoiding school.

As for her Grandmother being old school/strict/negative, please keep your foot down with her and prevent her or anyone else from being strict or attempting a negative approach. Your daughter does not need this at all. No way the Hindi teacher should make her wait after school or be strict at all. You said you will not blackmail or force her, but look for ways to reward her for each incremental progress in fields other than Hindi.

From your posts it is apparent that she has coped with a huge loss and excelled is some subjects. You have a winner here who needs to be treated like one.

[avaneesh.]

@luvDriving, I am very sorry for your loss.

I was an educator and am currently a researcher. As I used to teach slightly older kids than your daughter, I can resonate with some of the issues with my students while I was teaching. Please take my opinions with a pinch of salt as there might be many factors and situations that have led to this.

1. When a child is "lagging behind'' teachers might sometimes lose focus on that kid, as they have to tend 30 to 60 kids in a class. Although sometimes we feel guilty, we have to go with the flow of the majority as the other students might feel uneasy. Especially when the kid is in a "difficult situation" unless the teacher knows about it, it can be very difficult for the teachers to assess the thought and the needs of the kid, which results in scolding.

This scolding usually is not directed at the kid, teachers being humans sometimes cannot hold their emotions and to bring order in the class will have to take a stern hard stand to reduce the noise in the class.

A general solution would be to make the teacher talk to the student in your presence, and a teacher that she feels very comfortable with, if the issue is "Hindi teacher-centric".

P.S. Sometimes teachers also need to be told that they are making a mistake.


2. But given the situation, I don't think this issue is due to the language or the teacher. As other members suggested it would be preferential to seek some professional help. (Some teachers are also good counselors but I would rather go to an occupational counselor)

Children are complex but once they trust you it's very easy to deal with them.

[NiInJa]

If the child is introverted, they will not easily tell the reasons for particular behaviour or action. I can clearly relate:
My kid started his nursery schooling online during the pandemic and was responsive to the teacher, to the point that we were surprised how he could stare at the laptop and listen and obey. He used to look forward to the online session and would talk a lot with the teacher and other kids on zoom call. Then, once physical schools reopened back in January 2022, he went to school happily for first few days and one fine day he came back home and stopped talking about his school and the teacher. He stopped talking to strangers or even close relatives. He would only open his mouth to speak in front of me, his mom and grandparents. To others, he would use his hands or head to respond. He would be a bit reluctant to go to school.

We got worried as his primary school (a different one) started and all the teachers complained that he just does not speak or socialize. The new teacher called us once and told her concerns about not speaking, we explained that in reality, he is a parrot in the house and had no issues socializing with strangers until January 2022. We showed some old videos to his teacher and then she told us that something has happened due to which he is behaving in this way. She told us not to worry and that they would take special attention for a few weeks before suggesting a psychiatrist.

After a month or so, he started talking with his class teacher, then with all the other teachers and his friends and is now back to his old ways of being a chatterbox. In the last parent-teacher meeting, we were told that he is the most talkative kid and his chatter just doesn't stop! As a note, this primary school teacher told us that they don't scold kids or point at their specific behaviour as that has negative impact on them. This is exactly opposite to what his nursery teacher had done with him!

After 9 long months, we casually asked him when he was in happy mood that why he was not talking in the nursery school. He replied "That (nursery) teacher told me I talk too loud and too much, and asked me to stop". She had probably scolded him. That solved the whole mystery. He simply stopped talking as he thought he was talking too much and the teacher didn't like it! I realized how sensitive kids are and how a simple sentence or tone of talking can make a huge difference to them. And since he is an introvert, he tends to keep things to himself and needs a lot of prying to open up.

I just posted this story to let OP know that kids do come around, just make sure the environment they are in is comfortable for them. There is going to be some reason why she hates that particular class or teacher. Something must have been said or done inadvertently by elders that they won't even remember which might have triggered her in that delicate period of bereavement. The good part is they will grow out of it soon. They are small but very tough and these situations only make them stronger If a kid is smart, he will always stay smart, just make sure the surroundings are comforting.

My cousin went through a similar state back in 1997 when he was 8 years old. Lost his mom and had some very difficult time back then with his academics. Slowly, he improved on his own. He is in his 30s now, doing exceedingly well in his life.

[luvDriving]

Thank you very much for all the valuable suggestions and kind comments. I am really overwhelmed seeing the responses from all the members here.

I did speak to the class teacher and the hindi teacher and both are giving her leeway to deal with the personal crisis. I know the Principal since she was the one who called the doctor last year - while on a visit to the school for a PTM, I had a severe heart attack and I had to undergo angioplasty with two stents in place now. At that time, the Principal and all staff were very helpful in managing the incident.

As for my daughter, she does attend school on some days but that too very reluctantly. Someone suggested taking a break. We did have a small break last month when we visited my sister in Mumbai. She enjoyed it a lot. I have seen that attending school or mere mention of going to school takes away the smile on her face.

I do feel that maybe visiting a psychiatrist will do some good or bring out things which we do not know. I will keep posting my thoughts.

[ais]

Originally Posted by luvDriving

Someone suggested taking a break. We did have a small break last month when we visited my sister in Mumbai. She enjoyed it a lot. I have seen that attending school or mere mention of going to school takes away the smile on her face.

I do feel that maybe visiting a psychiatrist will do some good or bring out things which we do not know. I will keep posting my thoughts.

How about introducing her to a sport? Since I'm in Squash, I can recommend my colleague in Pune (for Squash or Tennis). That'll give her an avenue to balance the prevelant stress in school. This could work wonders, as I have seen quite often.

[sukhbirST]

Originally Posted by V.Narayan

The Hindi teacher may be the expressed cause; the root cause might lie elsewhere...

Agree with @ V.Narayan sir, Empathy is very important here. Very often we ourselves quote reasons which are apparent, obvious and acceptable. For example, many employees quote reasons for resignation or long leave which is not the true cause but is acceptable to all. Try to take professional/third party help. If I was to loose my mother at such tender age, I also would be in the same boat. Brave on your part to share and find solutions externally. Sorry to hear about the tragedy in your life, for some covid will never go.

[Ashwin Morey]

Originally Posted by luvDriving

Thank you very much for all the valuable suggestions and kind comments. I am really overwhelmed seeing the responses from all the members here.

Dear Sir,

First of all my condolences for your and your daughter's loss. There are many useful suggestions here posted by our community. I would urge you to give special focus to those suggestions which are pointing towards a counselor or child psychologist. Considering whatever you have described so far I believe the sensible and urgent solution is to seek professional help.

My guess is that maybe her mother was the one who was more actively involved in matters related to schools (usually one parent is more active than the other) hence her trauma maybe related to the fact that most activities related to school are reminding her of the time spent with her mother. It can be as trifle as preparing the tiffin box or fixing her hair however every little activity is a constant reminder of the huge loss hence it is understandable that she doesn't want to do any such little or big activity that constantly reminds her of the loss that she incurred. Hindi, I believe, is just a logical excuse that her innocent mind is using to hide her true feelings.

Also if the above guess is true then perhaps the suggestion (posted by some) of changing the school would be extremely helpful. Her current teachers and principal maybe the best but not necessarily best for her in the current scenario. They maybe supporting her a lot but removing her from the school does not mean they are bad, it simply means that your daughter needs that change. If you do take up that suggestion in future, I would personally recommend that you put her in IB board where a talent like her will flourish even more.

May God give you both all the strength. Also a last piece of advice, please do take extra care of your own health since you are the pillar that your daughter is counting on the most now.

PS: I truly commend your decision to seek out help and advice in an open forum. Please continue to seek help and we would all feel glad when you post (in not so distant future) that this problem is now fully resolved.

[sagarpadaki]

Originally Posted by luvDriving

I do feel that maybe visiting a psychiatrist will do some good or bring out things which we do not know. I will keep posting my thoughts.

I suggest you take your kid to a child psychologist or a child psychotherapist and not a psychiatrist. Because your child doesn't look like she needs any medication but rather a deep friendly talk from a professional who can bring out the innermost feelings from the child

[ishan12]

Would highly insist to take her to a child psychiatrist. My guess is that her problem in not much with the subject Hindi but something deeper and her hate for Hindi subject in school is a symptom or manifestation of the real problem.

[COMMUTER]

People with prosopagnosia(face blindness) can cause aversion to crowd exposure. This is neither rare(affects 2% of the population) nor a disability( many eminent personalities across all the fields have this). This condition requires mild counselling and direction to deal with social interaction and is overcompensating with thr capacity to get obsessed over a path of action leading to performance beyond possible with any other person with similar talents.

Take your daughter to a clinical neuropsychologist and check for prosopagnosia.

I am a prosopagnosiac and it had been a liberating experience to know it.

[Pennant1970]

I taught students from 12 years old to 28 in a decade long teaching career before I moved on. Though your daughter is slightly younger than the age range above, I believe I hear issues in the school environment. Perhaps it's just the Hindi teacher alone that's the issue. Or maybe a couple of other teachers? I think it's more likely that there's some other problem involved. It could be bullying, peer pressure or health. And like someone already pointed out above, look for any abusive adults in the school. Counselling is a good option - but it's better to find someone who is not connected with the school. God bless and keep you both. And please don't let grandmother speak to her alone about these things - it will be very counterproductive. "Tough Love" is a myth.

[Piyush Kanthak]

I am extremely sorry about your wife, my condolences to your loss. Take a moment and speak with your daughter, (don't ask her), talk to her like a friend and assure her that you are always with her, she has gone through a lot at a very young age, don't force her on anything. Take her to a doctor who specialize in this field, tell her that the doctor is your old friend.
I know the feeling of not going to school.The school where i go verbally and physically abuse students, demotivate them and degrade them. In December of 2021 I had immense pain due to my medical problem,they didn't support much, last year I had to take leave due to pain , the principal used to mock my parents and even told them that they are lying even after producing documents. My parents didn't understand this until one day my dad came and discussed with me about what's going on and I told him everything, now they know what's happening.

[matchvan]

Originally Posted by luvDriving

I know this is a public forum but it is one of the places I seek consul and value the opinions of its learned members.

Greetings,

As a father of 14 year old I can totally understand and have been in same shoes for other reasons.
1) She is too young to be shifted to another school or take to a psychiatrist as this will only make her feel there's something wrong with her.

2) When I asked my daughter's principal when she was in 3rd standard way back in 2014, about her hand writing being bad, the principal told that the future is going to be digital and everything will be computer based learning and Covid proved it true.
I can quote a news article where an university in the UK has changed its exam pattern from a hand writing based essay type to a MCQ based exam as Professors had tough time understanding the hand writing!! https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/...w/60448623.cms

3) She can opt for another language if the school has an option.

4) As a professor working in a college, it's the teacher's responsibility to keep the slowest learner in school in mind and adapt the learning methods accordingly.

Your daughter is not a slow learner.

Everyone learns at their own pace ... don't push her.
Apologies if I spoke harsh or out of context.
Regards.