[deep_bang]

As a parent of a 10 year and 15 year old, even between my 2 kids they are vastly different in how they react to situations. But here are some thoughts based on my experiences:
1. First and foremost, is to build the trust. Perhaps her mother was the only one who she truly trusted to say anything at all. Now that's not there. Perhaps a physchiatrist can play this role and understand the root cause.
2. One thing that's has helped in my case is to show role models (could be people around your family) and show how a certain person may not have done well in school but yet very successful. Examples to indicate that not doing well in Hindi is not going to change her future much. These examples strengthen their resolve that all is not lost.
3. It's ok to get less marks in Hindi - because sometimes it so happens that some people are good in some subjects and not so good in others.

If you see a smile come up more often than before, look at this as the positive step.

Also, since there is no right or wrong in these cases, it's always better to start talking to a physchiatrist and keep getting feedback. They may not only provide a neutral ground without bias, but they also would have a lot of experiences that can be leveraged quickly.

A note to you as well. Losing one's wife at such a young age could be very very hard on you as well. It may be a good idea to introspect if you could do things differently (I am not saying you should, but even grown up people may find it hard sometimes and there is no shame in getting help).

Also, the very fact that you are doing something to fix the issue is in itself a commendable thing.

[gauravdgr8]

Originally Posted by luvDriving

I know this is a public forum but it is one of the places I seek consul and value the opinions of its learned members. So here goes -

My daughter has begun to refuse to go to school. She is ten years old

No psychiatrist please. She needs to be spoken like a friend, someone who can understand her emotions, her state of mind. She has gone through a lot. What she needs is counselling. Does her school have a counselor (this is different than a psychiatrist).

PM me. My wife as a HOD for an International residential school, deals with all such cases. I shall talk to her and see how we can help. No

[sunilg33]

I would suggest you to look at Montessori schools
There is no urgency in this method of schooling. The child can learn at their own pace, go ahead in the subjects they love and take time in the ones they hate/dont like.

Some schools use this method of teaching only till 3rd grade and few all the way till 10th. My kid goes to such a school and he absolutely enjoys every day of his school.

[bullitt1]

Something similar happened with my kid couple of years back when we had to change the daycare mid year. After few days, she wouldnt go to daycare and make all reasons. After enquiring a lot with many means came to know some issues like kids not being engaged sufficiently--left for themselves, average food, not so hygienic washrooms, and sometimes impatient yelling teachers. Straight away changed the daycare.

Best is to talk to kid and get to know the root cause.

[LaRoca]

Very sad to know the plight of poor kids in India made to force feed a strange language down their throats from a young age and that too in the most unwholesome manner of making the kids race against time by mugging up.

Feel aghast and ashamed at this mode of education in India. Pathetic

[ike]

I'm sorry to hear about your wife, I hope you and your daughter gain the required mental strength to move on from such a setback.

While I never had to go through the trauma of losing a loved one at a young age like your daughter did, I also hated going to school(I wasn't a very bright student either but did reasonably well in some subjects that I liked like english, accounting). I was taken Psychiatrists, given counselling and all starting the same age as your daughter but nothing worked. I used to go to one of the better schools in the smalltown that I grew up in. My parents and teachers never helped either, I always had people judging me by my reluctance to go to school and my overall academic performance.

Finally I was moved to a govt. school after failing my 11th standard (I went for 13 yrs to the same school, LKG till 11th) and I changed for the better. I loved going to school and never threw any tantrums once I started going to a different school.

EDIT: I also learned hindi in school but that never helped in the real world. I'm somewhat conversant in Hindi as my first job took me to Mumbai and I learned enough Hindi to survive there. If children are allowed to learn what they like and not pursue what they don't, schooling would be much more enjoyable.

[Slowjet]

I think everyone has covered the possibilities. There are few things I would specifically like to mention:
1) Is Hindi / Hindi teacher the soft target. The problem may lie somewhere else and your child thinks that putting the blame on Hindi will make the problem go away
2) As many have mentioned, the loss of mother may have created a major impact on her. I suggest go out with her, visit friends, relatives etc so that she is able to mingle and comes out of the trauma. She may also open up and share something if there are some genuine issues. Of course this will take from few weeks to couple of months.
3) Someone in the school, school bus etc is bullying her or harassing her. Talk to her friends and see if you can get some information. Observe her behaviour and ensure she is not receiving undue attention from "others".
4) Try to watch some Hindi movies / channels with her. No, don't ask to sit with you. But for example, if she is returning from school / playing etc keep the channel to Hindi on TV (before she enters) and pretend watching and liking the show and observe her reaction/behaviour

[er.anupam16@gma]

To Start with it feels tough to hear what all kid and you as a single parent are going through, but at the same its very good that you opened up and you are seeking advice.

For Sure Changing school, letting your girl to open up more, all other advice mentioned by people on forum should be considered. Additionally, I would suggest you to take your kid for Prajñā Yoga sessions (One such programme is run by Art of living).

Few highlights of the session (one in bold is why I think it might help your situation):
Improve intuition.
Enhance sensory abilities.
Improve awareness and foresight.
Increase confidence.
Remove fear of the unknown
Increase creativity and intelligence.

[PreludeSH]

My heartfelt condolences for your loss. I see many suggestions and its not time to experiment.

As someone who had a close person who went through depression, the best thing is visit a Psychiatrist. Even for smaller reasons where we dont know how to deal, professional help is ideal. They can give the right guidance.

[sanjayrozario]

I'm sorry to read your predicament. I'm no expert in this field.

I would first suggest to take her to a counsellor as losing a loved one (in your daughter's case, her mother, the closest one) is not easy on anyone & she's a child.

Parallelly, please check with her classmates at random (but outside of school, in a more relaxed environment) about their Hindi teacher - what do they think of her & how's her behaviour with them & your daughter in general.

It's extremely important to pinpoint the exact cause of your daughter's pain

[BRV]

Sorry for your loss and its very tough to deal with situations like this in life and admire you for reaching out for help.

I have had a similar situation couple of months back with my kid who is 3 grade. She complained of stomach pain. She complains on weekdays and not on weekends or holidays. Initially we thought it might be some food / water contamination in school or not maintaining hygiene while having food in school. We took her to a doctor and prescribed few syrups for a week. She didn't complain for couple of days after the course of medication and started again.

We went for ultra sound scanning to rule out stones and everything came normal. We then realized there is something she is fearing. We went to play and while at play casually asked here about few activities which are happening in the class and then she opened up. An activity which is happening in the class she was not able to pace up with other kids and not able to do the activity correctly for which her teacher asked to do her the right way, but she doesn't know what's the right way.

Kids express things in their own way. First stomach ache was genuine as we can see her pain later she took that as an excuse to avoid the activity in school due to fear of speaking / asking. Lets build confidence in kids that we are there for them and then they will open up.

We then spent time with her in doing the activity and encouraged her to ask questions in class if she is not understanding anything. Spoken with her class teacher regarding the same and the class teacher encouraged her to be vocal in class and she helped the child in the activity as well. Kid is now confident and she speaks up if there is anything she wants to know.

[ashish.uno]

My 8 years old daughter once asked me to allow her to stay at home as the substitute teacher used to punish the kids. I met the teacher and she didnt seem the type to do so, unless I got to witness first hand, where she kept a girl of similar age in a hands up position facing the wall with the kid looking distressed. Long story short, I sorted it out and things are okay now.

My point is that if it's specific to the Hindi, then its not so much the language but the teacher. Either change the section, or change the school, before the impact is permanent on her impressionable mind.

A little girl making excuses and crying for not going to school due to a 'subject' is to be taken utmost seriously.

And if I were you, I would ditch the ICSE course, its needlessly burdensome and suck the life our of young children along with their parents.

[COMMUTER]

I feel very sorry for what your daughter has to go through with the irreplaceable loss.

While sons imitate the father and are more receptive to instructions from the mother, daughters imitate the mother and are more receptive to instructions from the father.

I would suggest you both to taking a month long break to spend together to open up enough and discuss lies ahead in detail with a bulk of discussion around how best mom wanted her to be.

A year's break from school/job wont be of any significant consequence in this scenario.

[Gazole]

I recall my childhood days, and i had the same issues for a year in a particular school. It would be when i was at a similar age as your daughter.

I started by faking illnesses (stomach ache was my favorite), and then escalated to jumping off the school bus as soon as my father put me on it.

in my case, it was because i had an incident with a teacher - who punished me for something (dont recall) - but did it with more venom than needed and it really hurt my ego. I felt ashamed of what my friends would be thinking of me and then started "hating" school - leading to the excuses and stunts.

regardless of the specific reason, if i had openly spoken to my parents and shared my concerns, maybe they would have stepped in and helped fix it. Eventually i did tell them (a good 6 months later) and my parents changed my school and that fixed the issue.

Please talk to your daughter and encourage her to share her concern - it could be something like a strict teacher, bullying or even not wanted to speak about well-intentioned questions about her mother.

if you find it challenging to get her to open up to you, please seek professional help.

In my case once i opened up and shared my actual issue, things became better for me and helped build a bond of trust with my parents - that they listened to my issues and took action on my behalf.

You are a brave man, stay strong!

[casnov]

I don't much more than what other's have suggested but couple of points:


1. Maybe its not the Hindi language, or the Hindi teacher but the content that's being taught in that class. Maybe there are some lessons/poems which talks about mother or motherly love that takes her back in her past with her mom and that is what is causing her distress. I remember we used to have a story in school where a cow pleads a tiger not to eat her and she will feed its calf and then return so he can kill her. Something on these lines. Have a look at the material that's being taught in her Hindi class.


2. Why not just take a break from school itself for a year? In the larger scheme of things, one year for a child is nothing. Give her time to heal without her having to deal with school and everything that comes with it.