[Samurai]

Originally Posted by amitoj

hahahaa... that was hilarious, Samurai! Do u have a link or something to archived Stella awards?

http://www.stellaawards.com/

[mohit]

good one Samurai... reminds me of an incident recounted by my friend. A burglar was trying to enter a house from a roof opening. He fell in the kitchen and got stabbed by a knife that was lying on the counter which ultimately resulted in his death. The burglar's family successfully sued the home owner for negligence as he had not kept the knife in a holder!

[ajmat]

For the next time you get asked an annoying question about India......,

Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?


A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see,once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target....

Q. You're from India, aren't you? I have read so much about the country. All the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you still use elephants for transportation?


A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house. But later, we started elephant-pooling with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an "emission" problem.....

Q. Does India have cars?
A. No. We ride elephants to work. (Refer response to earlier question)

Q. Does India have TV?
A. No. We only have cable.

Q. Are all Indians vegetarian?
A. Yes. Even tigers in India are vegetarian.

Q. How come you speak English so well?
A. You see when the British were ruling India, they employed Indians as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the
British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born speaking English.

A variation to the above is a compliment ---"You speak very good English."
Response: Thanks. So do you.

Q. Are you a Hindi?
A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.

Q. Do you speak Hindu?
A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.

Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school.

Q. India is very hot, isn't it?
A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.

Q. Are there any business companies in India?
A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is a lot of hard work.

Q. Indians cannot eat beef, huh?
A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the
population of the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human meat.

Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly?
A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I
meditate like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things are so inefficient there.

Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the botton of our feet to make It hard so that we can walk.

Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A. I prefer it to coming naked.

Q. How do you celebrate Thanksgiving day in India?
A. By roasting an American....

[Sid Schumacher]

1. Some Basic definitions..

Engineering College : Place where you're punished for getting good HSC marks.

Senior : Guy who got ragged as junior and wanna get some payback...

Fresher : Guy who has to ask where the canteen is...

Really Dumb Fresher : Guy who asks a senior where the canteen is.

Really Really Dumb fresher : Guy who follows the senior to the canteen.

Ragging : The unfortunate fate of the previous idiot.

Evasive action : Watch the juniors when any seniors come nearby. (No one runs faster than a fresher. NO ONE.)

Lectures : Waste of time. Physical presence is a must...only meant for sleeping, completing assignments & general TP

Tuitions : What you take when you don't waste enough time....

Professor : Person paid to put students to sleep.

Vernacular Prof : Unusual variant of previous individual who comes packaged with his own brand of English ("Now you check me our journal." "You Out get from class." "Are you Understand, Beta?" )

Practicals : 60 to 90 minutes in which we watch the girls do our experiment, and usually destroy a considerable array of lab equipment.

Hopeless Practical : The practical in which there are no girls in our group simply look blankly at each other, fiddle with the equipment, and finally copy the readings.(from the girls of course...).

2. The Truth about exams....


Irony : The guy who copied your entire paper passes and you flunk.

Critical Calculation : Summing up the marks you attempted worth in the exam...

Re-verification : A cruel joke. (results of which come after you give the KT exam).

3. An engineer's 10 engineering commandments of Life
1. Thou shalt study only during the preparatory leave.
2. Thou shalt never write thy assignments thyself.
3. Thou shalt begin writing thy journals only on the morning of submission.
4. Thou shalt treat all marks above 40 as bonus.
5. Thou shalt have at least 70 per cent attendance in the canteen.
6. Thou shalt pass GRACEfully.
7. Thou shalt always be an OUTstanding student.
8. Thou shalt give thy attendance without being present...PROXY is a MUST
9. If thou can't convince them , confuse them.
10. Thou shalt start every sentence with a four-lettered word.

4. The Years of Engineering
F.E. Fond of Engineering
S.E . Sick Of Engineering
T.E. Tired of Engineering
B.E. ***** to Engineering
Engineers Anthem:
Hum Honge All Clear, Honge All Clear, Honge All Clear Ek Din, OH-HO, Mann me hai vishwas, pura hai vishwas, hum honge all clear ek din

Top two Engineering Rumors:
'Did you hear the results are being put up today at 5:30pm '
'Did you hear the exams are postponed by two weeks, its been put up at VJTI'

The most dreaded acronym for Engineers:
ATKT ( After Trying Keep Trying)

The most important criteria while selecting an engineering college:
Girl to Boy ratio ( if more than0 .025% then that college is engineers dream come true)

Engineers at work:
Assignments solved by one and then carrying out mass transfer operations throughout the class

The most important machine for Engineers:
Xerox Machine (Without which assignment completion wouldn't be possible)

The most important table in an Engineer's House:
The glass table ( to carry out GT operations, during Night Duty.)

The only queue an Engineer is familiar with:
Submission Queue

An Engineer's favourite watch:
Bird Watch !

Common Engineering Dialogues after a paper:
'What is this yaar, more than 70% of the paper was out of the syllabus'
'This was the worst paper set in the entire engineering history'
'I am failing....I got screwed royally'

5. Feeling after Completing Engineering:
Survived Engineering !!!!!!!!!!!

[ATL_BOY]

Originally Posted by nishant_kingpin

In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharatakatha to a class. he is at the krishnajanma' part of it. so let himcontinue instead of me...

Masterji : to bachcho, so kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8thchild is goin to kill him. he was furious.he ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars.first son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning second one is born and kansa throws him off the mountain peakthird one is born....now Ramu who is smartest of the lot puts up his handmasterji (sounding nervous n confused)

Masterji : Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in Mahabharata n how come u have one?

Ramu: masterji, if kansa knew that devaki's 8th child was goin to kill him,why the hell did he put vasudev and devaki in the same cell?? :

thats gotta be JOKE of the year !

[Scuderia]

A continuation to Sid's post... I guess engineers will be able to relate more to it.. especially the classic

Best dialogues of engineering

On being Late

> > "I thought it is a monday" (lab starts at 10:45 on
> > monday)
> > "I was searching for the Classroom"
> > (classic) " Train was late"

During Lecture

> > "Sushil ka assignment 2 tere paas hai??"
> > (classic)"Heads, we go home, Tails, we go home
> > now!!!"
> > (classic2)"Journal sheet hai??"

Lab
> > "Expt. 2 likha??"
> > "Attendance ho gaya??"
> > (classic)"Karna kya hai??"


Unit Test
> > "Oh F***!!! Itna syllabus cover ho gaya ?"
> > (classic)"Aaj kounsa test hai?"


For attendance
> > (less attendance isliye attendance badane ke liye bahane)
> > "I was late , so watchman dint let me in"
> > "I forgot the I-card , so watchman dint let me in"
> > (classic)"Utsav (college festival) marketing"


Late submission of assignments
> > "Maine X ko bola thaa ki copy karke mera assgnment bhi saath mein submit kar dena"
> > "Electronix ka last date extend hua thaa"
> > (classic)"I dint know the last date"


Late submission of Journal (for printouts)
> > "Format pataa nahi thaa"
> > "Printer is not working today"
> > (classic) "Friday ko light nahi thee"


VIVA (after exam)
> > "yeh bhi syllabus mein thaa kya?"
> > "achha !!! ye aise hota hai kya?"
> > "ye subject ka reference book kounsa hai"
> > "Vidyalankar mein to alag hai"
> > "Oh!!! to exam mein yeh likhna thaa kya..... (may be
> > 37 now!)"


> > VIVA (b4 exam)
> > "submission ab tak hua nahi hai , VIVA kya ghanta doonga"
> > "Dekh Boss !! external bhi aadmi hai. Usko pata hai students ka ab tak preparation nahi hua hai......


VIVA (general)
> > "Dekh , tu jo bhi padhega , woh (external) tereko woh nahi poochhnewaala , then watz the point"
> > "Roll no. 1 aur 2 ko wapas bulaaya hai"
> > "External is asking Bermuda Triangle ka Magnetic force kitna hai"
> > "Ye kounse subject mein aata hai"
> > (Classic) "Aaj kounsa Viva hai?"


Submission
> > " Ye bhi chhapna hai kya??"
> > "Iska bhi print-out lena hai kya?"
> > (classic)"Tujhe Harale ka sign aata hai kya?"

> > (classic conversation)
> >
> > A: Ye tune kya likha hai / teri handwriting aisi
> > kyun hai?
> > B: 1.Jo word samajh mein aa raha hai woh likh , jo
> > nahi samajh mein aa raha hai uska drawing nikal
> > 2. maine C se likha hai, mera assignment check
> > ho gaya , tu bhi wohi kar.

[binz]

A man and his girlfriend were drivine on the highway and the irate girlfriendwas getting bugged that her guy was goin too slowly.So she told him,''ill take off one article of my clothing for every extra 10kmph that you do''.He willingly obliged and at 60 she took off her top.At 70 off went her bra.At 80 she started taking off her pants.At 90 the guy could barely keep his eyes on the road,lost control and landed in a ditch.He was stuck in the car so his girlfriend went to get help.She took one of his shoes to cover her (u know wat )She then went on the highway and stopped one of the passing trucks and told the driver that she needed help as her boyfriend was stuck.He looked at the shoe and replied,''Holy jesus,im afraid if hes stuck so deep i wont be able to help!!!''

binz

[Sam Kapasi]

Originally Posted by ajmat

"You speak very good English."
Response: Thanks. So do you.

lol, I have actually been using this one for many years. Puts an end to the conversation immediately.If I had a Rupee for every time a european or american asked me this question....

Originally Posted by ajmat

Q. Do you speak Hindu?
A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.

This one I am going to use NEXT time.

[revtech]

hahah this is too good !!

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. It was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "ohh god !! I'm cuming, I'm cuming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"


Rev

[revtech]

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55
mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at
him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years,
but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60
mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of
it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his
anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up,
and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's
up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward
a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything
you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
"I've got the airbag!"


Rev

[revtech]

A woman goes to Mozambique to attend a 2-week, company
training session. Her husband drives her to the
airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you
like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "A Mozambican girl!!!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and
asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for- the Mozambican girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could; now we
have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl



Rev

[ATL_BOY]

Originally Posted by revtech

A woman goes to Mozambique to attend a 2-week, company
training session. Her husband drives her to the
airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you
like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "A Mozambican girl!!!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and
asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for- the Mozambican girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could; now we
have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl



Rev

hahahaha .....

[brainscooper]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If Toyota had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, TOYOTA issued a press release stating:

If Toyota had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only fivepercent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Hi,

Haha so funny.
You forgot one Skoda = so keep on doggling around.

Thanks.

[adya33]