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-   -   The Official Joke thread (https://www.team-bhp.com/forum/et-cetera/2439-official-joke-thread-512.html)

This came as a forward. Experienced BHPians, please share your views. :D

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Some global opinions on marriages .....
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-Lee Majors

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Al Gore

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Mike Tyson

The great question.. which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
-George Clooney

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Bill Clinton

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
-George W. Bush

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
-Rudy Giuliani

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
-Michael Jordan

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." The third gave me more children!
-Donald Trump

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Shaquille O'Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
-Kobe Bryant

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Alec Baldwin

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Barack Obama

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-Tommy Lee

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
-Brad Pitt.

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive

All these funny lines are either anonymous or spoken by lesser known people. The celebrities (Mike Tyson, Bill Clinton etc) never said these lines - those names have been appended to the funny lines to make the joke sound funnier than it actually is!

Another one doing rounds these days:
Marriage is like a workshop, the husband works and the wife shops :-)

God: Yes Adam?
Adam: I just noticed that you created all the animals in pairs.
God: "Yes, Adam. One kind is male and the other is female."
Adam: "Why is there a male and a female of each species ?"
God: "So they can mate and procreate. This will ensure the continuation of the species."

20 Mins later:
Adam: "Hey, God."
God: (sigh) "Yes, Adam."
Adam: "Which am I?"
God: "You, Adam, are a male."
Adam: "Oh ok.. I've noticed that most of the males are mating and they really seem to be really enjoying themselves. If it isn't too much trouble, do you think....you could make one for me?"
God: "All right, Adam. I will. Go to sleep & by the time you wake up, I would have created your mate."

2 hrs later Adam wakes up:
Adam: "Hey, God."
God: "Yes, Adam."
Adam:"Did you remember to do what you promised ?"
God: "Yes, Adam. While you were sleeping I created for you a mate. Her name is Eve. She is next to the Banyan tree"

Adam rushes off to find Eve.
Two mins later, he comes back.
Adam: "Hey, God."
God: "Yes, Adam. NOW WHAT?"
Adam: "What's a headache?"

Lotus F1 team have built custom steering wheel with additional buttons for the F1 Car Kimi Raikkonnen will be driving.
Here is a pic of the same. :uncontrol

: )
You should search for the picture of the full wheel. There's some more, Er, gadgetary on there that's missing here.

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW out the car sales room. Taking off down the motor-way, he floored it to 90, enjoying the wind blowing through his hair. Amazing he thought as he flew down the Motor Way.

Looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him, blue light flashing, siren blaring.

''I can get away from him - no problem!' He floored it to 130, then 140 then 150!

Suddenly, he thought ''What on earth am I doing ? I'm too old for this nonsense!'' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch said, ''Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes, Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason I've never heard before for why you were speeding, I'll let you go".

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied ''Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back."

The Cop left saying ''Have a good day, Sir!"

No clue about the authenticity, but good stuff.


"In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3 a.m., one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, with North Dakota plates, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into ''drive'' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.

Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled, "Pull over!"The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine.

Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says troopers don't have a sense of humor?"

Scene 2 Act 1 contd...


2 hrs later Adam wakes up God:
Adam: "Hey, God."
God: "Yes, Adam."
Adam:"You cured her headache but now she is giving me one with her nagging"

Haha, this is in response to a picture of a guy sitting in the engine bay of a nano(the hatch area of most cars) and selling Paan, i bet that guy was making his own CNG( compressed "natural" gas) version of the nano with direct fuel injection and a turbo too :D.

Its interesting to see how many people actually read and how many like/comment just based on the picture! :D

A twitter joke:

Drunk Santa hits a policeman while driving, policeman dies. As a good civilian informs police. He calls 100 and tells - now you are 99.

this valentine's day send your girlfriend a 22 carat diamond ring via flipkart!
(cash on delivery) :D

A Boy loved a girl but
Never proposed her.
One day he decided to tell
Her at 1:00am at Night..!!
He type:
.
.
.
"I Love You"
And sent it, after a few seconds
He got a msg but he
Decided to
See it the next day for
Surprise and slept..
.
.
.
Next day, he read the msg
And so shocked because,
It was written..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Dear Customer,
Msg sending failed due to
Insufficient balance.
Please recharge your account.:D

Was searching for a used nokia E6 in olx and found this offer.

This guy is fed up with the mobile box and its kids too I guess!