Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oxy (Post 2635897)

Take 2:

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France In the early 60's when Charles De Gaulle, the French President, decided to pull out of NATO.
De Gaulle said he wanted all US military out of France As soon as possible.
Rusk responded "does that include the 180,000 who are buried here ?"
De Gaulle could not respond.

............ You could have heard a pin drop

Take 3:

Robert Whiting, an elderly US gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur ?" The Customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously." Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports On arrival in France !" the Customs officer sneered.
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long, hard look.
Then he quietly explained ... " Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach, at 4:40am, on D-Day in 1944, to help liberate your country, I couldn't find a single Frenchman to show a passport to. ... "

............ You could have heard a pin drop

These compilation were made during the time France refused to join Bush's War on Iraq to find the non-existing WMD. They turned out to be right. I was living in US when the anti-France wave swept across the country. Like calling french fries as freedom fries, etc. The Americans who compiled these either didn't know or convenient forgot the contributions of France to USA.

American war of independence was mostly funded by France, in gold, guns, canons, ships & soldiers. This was done with no expectations in return and by risking a fresh war with Briton. Nobody had really expected USA to win at that time.
France was the first country to recognize USA a new country during the war, without which no country would start trade with USA. USA would have gone bankrupt without trade during the war.
Lafayette, enough said. His contribution is so high, there are numerous towns, roads, ships, and what not have been named after him in USA since 200 years.

Pregnancy FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions)

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How likely is it that my husband will be there to help me as my pregnancy progresses?
A: You can completely trust him to be there at the time of conception.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after conception.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes everything anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

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A bright young Scottish lad named Shamus had the opportunity to go to university in London. So he packed his bags and said good-bye to his mother and left the highlands for the big city.

After the first week his mother called to see how her boy was holding up.

“I love it here Mother,” Shamus told her, “but these English students are the oddest people ever! Why the boy who lives in the dormitory room next to me bangs his head against the wall until midnight every night. And the boy in the room above me stomps around until midnight every night. And the boy right below me blasts his stereo until midnight every night.”

“Why don’t you complain to the Dean of students?” asks his mother.

“Well, it doesn’t bother me much,” answers Shamus. “I’m usually up until that time quietly practicing my bagpipes anyway.”

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed.

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed.

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

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A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in cargo bay to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"