[sumukha]

What are we discussing here? This is purely a personal and family issue and not to be discussed in the public domain. Many of us have taken the role of family counsellors and it is unfortunate. As a qualified and practicing psychologist I request the members please put an end to this discussions in the best interest of the couple. Leave it to the fmily to sort it out.
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[Vin76]

Armaan, you are not in a very happy situation and I wouldn’t ever want to be in your shoes. But here’s my two bit. We have a beagle and I can say that it’s the first year that a beagle is difficult (for a non dog lover). They can be nippy, curious, jumpy and chew everything and anything. Which is the case with most pups, but may be a bit extra with beagles. After that period ours has become absolutely docile. Since whiskey is June/July born, I would think that it’s a matter of few more months. Thereafter, it may not be as difficult for your wife to accept his presence, as it is now.
I have a friend, who has never had a dog and was in fact ver uncomfortable around even pet dogs. But after he met our beagle, he wanted to keep a dog.
If your wife still doesn’t like his presence, as they say ‘either the dog changes you or you change the dog’. All the best.

[JayPrashanth]

Originally Posted by armaan_singh

I apologize for my bluntness here but he isn't an "it".
Secondly, I would never have got him in the first place had there been any objections when I raised the discussion.
Its the equivalent to adopting a child and then giving it up because the family thought he/she was too dark/skinny/fat.

Dude, get a new spouse. Beagles are chick magnets. You seem to be young, and walking your beagle everyday will make a lot of chicks stop and pet him, and probably you too. And that's a foot in the door. You know what I mean. :-D

So, again, great opportunity to find a spouse who loves dogs, and then happily live ever after. Don't miss it!

PS: Ben adopted me - 2 years ago, and it's one of the best decisions of his life. He'll turn seven soon, and he's a beagle too.

Cheers,

Jay

[Samurai]

Originally Posted by armaan_singh

For now the only thing that comes to mind to me, is that I get a bigger house, I am currently renting a 2 Bedroom apartment, and I am contemplating moving to an independent house with a yard, and well as suggested by my wife that I should get railings etc installed on the Bed/sofas etc to prevent him from jumping on.

While my parents never had dogs/cats for practical reasons (transferable job), I was exposed to dogs and cats growing up at relatives homes in rural areas, where I used to spend all my vacation times. My brother and I never spent vacations at our home.

This was in the 70/80s, and all my relatives lived in either farm houses or individual homes with a big yard. The dogs were strictly outdoor guard dogs, there was no question of them jumping into the sofa since they were trained not to enter the house at all. You want to play with the dog, go outside and play with them. Playing didn't mean hugging and kissing, patting was allowed, but we had to wash our hands thoroughly after playing with dogs. Playing meant running with dogs in the field or forest, throwing sticks for them to fetch, etc. Aggressive dogs used to be kept leashed whole day, but left free at night for guard duty. My grandma once had a big aggressive dog whose bark used to give heart attack to people who hadn't heard him before.

Homes with cats had lots of openings apart from doors, where cats could squeeze in and out of the house any time they wanted. But even they knew they were not welcome on the sofas or beds. They mostly spent time in kitchen and dining room, where food was available. And they knew their primary duty, catching rats. Those cats never liked petting, they would show teeth or scratch the person who tried to touch them. The only touching happened when they rubbed their body against your leg begging for food.

In my teens we moved to Bangalore and I discovered indoor dogs, that were hugged, kissed and shared sofas and beds with their owners. My world went upside down...

If moving to individual home with a yard is an option for you, you can try outdoor dog option. Yes, most pet owners might feel it is cruelty to leave the dog outdoor. But those who grew up in rural areas know that indoor dog is a cruel concept. Dogs need to be free, they need to run wild, chasing birds or butterflies. This may be a compromise your wife might sign on to.

[GTO]

She appears to have agreed to it before, but still, for such a major decision of adding a member to the family, you should have kept her in the loop during the entire process. E.g. from the time you first saw whiskey's pictures and were thinking of bringing the dog home.

Has happened to me too. I might have agreed to something, but after actually living in the situation, I might change my mind. We're human. We do change minds.

I can empathize with her as I have no problem with animals, but absolutely cannot have one in the house. Absolutely 0% chance of that ever happening. If I was her, I would have expected to be a part of the entire process too, not suddenly surprised by it.

[poloman]

Originally Posted by jkrishnakj

This is a very personal and sensitive topic that must be retained inside the walls of a household. .

This is exactly the problem with many personal issues we face. We try to resolve everything inside 4 walls of household and it will explode.
There is no harm in seeking external advice or counselling on personal and psychological issues. We need to have an open mind about it.

This is also a very generic problem one face in marital life. Different tastes and priorities among the couple.

If there were proper consultations before the decision making all this pain could have been avoided. OP could have taken wife to the puppy for an introduction session to measure her comfort levels and then take the decision.

[lazy]

I feel it is good to ask opinion from a wider set of people, much better than taking inputs only from limited number of family members.

But of course, decision needs to taken collectively by yourself and spouse. Unfortunately Whiskey cannot speak, but we know what he's going to choose.


You made a mistake, accept it - now that you're married, never ever ever take such decisions alone. Or even something like which car to buy, or even much more mundane, get what I mean.
And in this case, you both (pet parents) should have been involved throughout the process, not just initial discussion.

As to what next, I'll second what many have suggested -
1. try to find a win-win situation by talking to your wife - what can be done so that Whiskey can stay?
2. go to a counsellor - the entire story does indicate some other issues (hopefully I'm wrong)
3. How #1 and #2 go, will tell you who goes and who stays

cheers
lazy

[Behemoth]

Hi Armaan
Thats quite a difficult dilemma you are in. Unfortunately not all people are dog lovers and some people will carry their Phobias for life.
Your spouse is your better half and I would not recommend distancing yourself from them for this matter. What will be better is if you could give your puppy up for adoption and let some other loving family adopt him. If you are fine with this, even I would be keen (we are based in Gurgaon and our family loves dogs. Our beloved Labrador passed away last year at age 14 and we haven't got another to replace him yet but were planning too.)
Having been married for 19 years now, I can tell you that marriage does come with its compromises and it does take time for people to adjust to each other and it is a lifelong bond which is built on understanding and love.
Do send me a PM in case you need help.

[sumukha]

This has already exploded in the Public forum and the learned members have gone to the extent of advising Armaan to get a new spouse. Are you serious ? there will be differences between husband of wife, always, agreed. But with whom and where you discuss makes lot of difference.If the wife reads the sugesstion of getting a new spouse, how would she takes? This is not ok in our culture.I practiced in USA for 25 years, even there this is not OK. This is a minor issue and Armaan could not solve it and the forum members giving basket full of suggestions ! and this is exactly the problem.

[am1m]

Originally Posted by sumukha

Many of us have taken the role of family counsellors and it is unfortunate. As a qualified and practicing psychologist I request the members please put an end to this discussions in the best interest of the couple. Leave it to the fmily to sort it out.

Great advice and that too from a professional. Have seen this in my married life as well- if you ask for advice from everyone...you get everyone's advice, even if they have no clue about what is going on!

Marriage is a series of adjustments and compromises, this situation is no different. Apologize a lot, nothing to be lost there- I love dogs but would be very ticked off myself if my spouse went and brought one home when I was not around!

Work at it and take decisions with the long term in mind, but most importantly work it out between yourselves!

During the initial years of our marriage, my wife and I fought a lot, crazy overnight verbal arguments (and that was even after knowing each other well for 12 years before getting married! Living with someone is an entirely different thing). Now, 11 years later, we don't even remember what those 'serious' arguments were for!

So am sure this can be worked out in a way where your wife accepts the dog. I know couples that have worked through the loss of a child, through terminal illnesses, serious religious differences, infidelity. So this is really a minor issue compared to some of those. Might take time but work at it, the techniques that you both will learn through this and the measure you both get of each other will stand you in good stead when the more serious life issues come up later. Enjoy the process!

[jkrishnakj]

Originally Posted by poloman

This is exactly the problem with many personal issues we face. We try to resolve everything inside 4 walls of household and it will explode.
There is no harm in seeking external advice or counselling on personal and psychological issues. We need to have an open mind about it.

.

When I say inside the 4 walls, its not exactly meant that way. It is definitely to converse and seek help / opinions from others, close family and extended family etc..But certainly, not in a public forum like ours.

Fully agree, no harm in seeking external advice, but definitely hoping that the OP doesn't take some advice coming here in our forum asking him to dump his wife for the Beagel. This is the problem in going extreme external and that's what I meant.

[srishiva]

Originally Posted by armaan_singh

I apologize for my bluntness here but he isn't an "it".
Secondly, I would never have got him in the first place had there been any objections when I raised the discussion.
Its the equivalent to adopting a child and then giving it up because the family thought he/she was too dark/skinny/fat.

I like your bluntness
I love pets. I have 2 in my street that we look after. But never inside house. Thats the way its been even in my village. They cant enter inside.

Maybe you should talk to her in presence of some elders and find a solution. Maybe there is something from your side for being so obdurate ?

On the other hand, I never expected members in this forum to give such drastic advice

[AMG Power]

I am a dog lover and have grown up in a house where we always had wonderful dogs as pets.

I have been to a house in the UK where they had 3 dogs, a pet tarantula, a couple of pet scorpions, a poisonous snake and a large weird lizard - all of these moving around the entire house without restrictions. While the dogs were adopted by the family the rest of the pets were brought in by the son and very reluctantly agreed to by the rest of the family.

I have visited that house a few times and would always enquire as to where the rest of the "pets" were before I paid them a visit.

Do I need to go to a therapist to accept those animals as pets? Debatable, but I certainly don't intend to.

A dog bite can be as fatal as that of a tarantula or a scorpion if it is a rabid one. A person with a fear of dogs will always assume the worst after being bitten by one. Sure one can always argue that the dog is at home and is not meeting other dogs so it's safe. However a person with a fear of dogs doesn't have to put herself through this torture in her own home where she has until now been enjoying complete freedom just because her partner fulfilled his selfish need of having pets.

Adopting a pet needs to be given the same level of care that is done while adopting a kid - you can't just call up the wife and say "Hey, I'm adopting a kid, are you okay with that?" While legal procedures also do not permit that flippant attitude, a similar care should have been exercised with a dog too and it can't be discussed and agreed over a call with a person who has a clear dislike for dogs.

I have seen folks who are neutral towards dogs morph into total dog lovers after witnessing their unconditional love. I have also seen that persons who hate dogs do not change. They may tolerate them with conditions such as an agreement to keep the dog in a small kennel outside the house. That isn't an ideal situation for the dog or the rest of the family.

A solution to this problem will need quite a bit of compromise - what and by whom is going to be the decision point.

[SPIKE ARRESTOR]

Originally Posted by lawdgawd

Two things. I work with some animal NGOs, and also have quite some experience with psychologists and therapists.

1) Your wife backtracked on her initial agreement AFTER you got the beagle. This is not a good sign.

Originally Posted by knrn

Before my father passed away he ( though gave me many pearls of wisdom) said- 90% of all the happiness or sadness in your life comes from your life partner.

Originally Posted by bigron

So you either give the dog away or keep it and face the consequences. She will make it extremely difficult for you if you do plan to keep the mutt.

Originally Posted by armaan_singh

and well as suggested by my wife that I should get railings etc installed on the Bed/sofas etc to prevent him from jumping on.

Might not work in the long term.

Originally Posted by poloman

Many spouse can take this to 'dog important for you than me' kind of thinking and from this a return is very difficult.

Originally Posted by bblost

Put an advertisement in FB etc to find a new home for the cute dog.

Originally Posted by armaan_singh

Things came to a point where she would sit on the kitchen counter when he was in the same room, and while he was basically just curious and wanted to sniff as do all dogs, she wouldn't have any of it. So yes life became rather unlivable.

Until around a week back when she went to visit her folks again and has this time given me the ultimatum that I need to either give the dog up or else she wont return.

As a lot of learned members here have given their valuable inputs, I would keep it short and add my few cents.

Have quoted some posts and marked some comments in bold, please read these several times, this for me personally is like playing with fire.

1. Happy Wife == Happy Life
Sad / unhappy / angry / disgruntled / unsatisfied wife == Ruined Life.

2. Look for a new home for your Puppy, if you cannot find a home for him within your family / extended family (if your Puppy is within your extended family, you can always visit him). If you plan to go against your wife's wishes, you might get into A LOT of troubles in future. Since you are from Delhi, I've an advice for you, which I will send through PM.

I'm not of the opinion that this thread should be deleted, I'm pretty sure the kind of varied advice, perspectives he has received here on the forum, he would not have, had he limited it to within his family / close friends.

Good Luck Bro.

Spike

[roy_libran]

The polarised opinions on this thread are possibly representative of a generational mindset gap pervasive in our society!

On one hand there are people that place marriage and partnership on a pedestal and are asking the OP to seek counselling and what-not, even up to sacrificing Whisky to protect a civil union! This after he did whatever reasonable he could have done doing lock-down times.
On the other hand there are those (of us) that realise that the partner in question is possibly exhibiting symptoms of being unaccommodating, unreasonable, blackmailing and controlling, which makes such a union untenable in the longer run. Whisky is just a causal agent here, the disease runs deeper in all probability.

Moreover, while we happily post statuses, reels etc. that if someone is facing a problem should reach out and we will lend an ear, here the OP has done exactly that! He has reached out to the forum for advice, laid out the sequence of events, given the facts, tried to explain his position, and we have people asking him to take this conversation back behind closed doors; why? Then we have people asking him to involve elders - like seriously WhDF! Elders are as equally third party to this conversation as the forum is.

As a 43 yr. old guy into his 15 yrs. of a (reasonably) happy marriage, I can safely say that marriage isn't that halo-ed thing that society makes it into - both me and my wife whole-heartedly agree with this. It sucks getting stuck with the wrong partner. It sucks even more breaking up or divorcing after investing years of your life and youth into an unrewarding relationship. Even worse when you have kids involved.

Younger people nowadays know what they want and how they want to live. If compatibility with one partner is becoming an issue they move on and seek other partner(s) and that is absolutely the right thing to do. It's a dog today, it will be that female colleague tomorrow, that motorcycle the day after, that jeep next, that trekking excursion next and so on....

All the OP needs to find out is if there is a deeper compatibility and mindset issue here, which will be easily exhibited by how willing his partner is to make reasonable accommodations and seek mutually acceptable solutions, and based on that decide his next course of actions.