[UPS_Guru]

Originally Posted by armaan_singh

...Looking forward to meaningful suggestions from the community...

Emotions and relationships are not black and white but shades of gray. You will never find a solution here, but by reading between the lines, you may discover a way to find a solution.

You have a bigger problem at hand. Today, it is the dog, and tomorrow, it will be something else. What do you want? Keep yourself happy or keep others happy.

The truth is, if you try to please all, you please none. Also, no matter what you choose, there will be consequences and damages. Therefore, if you are doing something for somebody, do it because you wanted to do it and not because they needed it or the circumstances demanded it. This ownership helps to make peace with consequences and damages far better than it would have turned out otherwise. Think about your long term happiness and well-being and decide accordingly.

[Spaced Out]

Originally Posted by armaan_singh

Fast forward a couple of months and my wife came over for the first time and she instantly disliked him, she told me then that she had a phobia of dogs as she was bitten by a stray when she was small, on asking why she didn't tell me earlier, she said she felt she was over it, but seeing small little Whiskey brought it all back. Things came to a point where she would sit on the kitchen counter when he was in the same room, and while he was basically just curious and wanted to sniff as do all dogs, she wouldn't have any of it. So yes life became rather unlivable.

Until around a week back when she went to visit her folks again and has this time given me the ultimatum that I need to either give the dog up or else she wont return. I've tried everything in the book right from keeping him on leash to dropping him off at my moms place for some time, but she has said she cant tolerate his presence and wants him out of the house. I've helped try to fight her phobia by containing the dog in my lap to get her accustomed but it didn't seem to work one bit.

We also got a lockdown puppy. My wife and I had agonised over getting one for years. We have a small kid as well and thought it will be good for him. While I love dogs instinctively, my wife was slow to take to our pup but now loves her.

I also make sure that I take the lead in all the cleaning and related activities for the dog, so its not an extra burden.

I guess what I am trying to say is that its best that your spouse is truly your partner in the decision making process in the house.

Its important that you reflect on what is going on in your situation, beyond the dog. The poor creature may only be a symptom of something else. As the BHPian I have quoted below suggests, you may want to think of family counseling - not for the dog but for any other issues.

I say this as its a bit of an extreme step for your spouse to not want to come back home.

Originally Posted by ashokrajagopal

It would be best for you to talk to a trained family counseling professional and take her advice.
IMHO, this is too public a space to discuss this.

[Raghu M]

It's a tough situation and I totally empathize with you. But, if someone doesn't like something and are very particular about it, it's always good to let go and reconcile. I personally am not a fan of dogs and seldom (read rarely) visit friends who keep pets (dogs!). I fear for my life when I see a dog barking in full strength. I immediately get a sense that it is ready to pounce on me and grab my bones. I jog daily and when I see stray dogs, I switch on my virtual rear view as well (I keep looking back) until the dog is out of sight. For people who are used to dogs and their company, it's a great feeling. For people like me, although I don't hate dogs, I fear them. And I fear them big time. The bigger the dog, the greater the fear.

I would suggest, you give the pup to a dear friend of yours who loves dogs. You can continue to visit and play with it while your wifey will be at peace. I am no expert but I don't think any psychologist would offer help here. For example, I don't think a doctor would help me with my fear. I have seen videos where friendly dogs have just bitten off people with whom they were friendly until then. The marks are for a lifetime and it definitely instills fear that a doc cannot help get rid of. I see only this solution to your problem. Am sure experts on the group can give you better solutions.

[JithinR]

I am not sure if enough people have realised that even the OPs wife didn't stick around to discuss this problem through. She basically went back home and gave him an old style ultimatum.

I thought independent women today were past this age old blackmail technique (I am going back to my parents home and you better sort this out before I get back, do you love that puppy more than me..etc.). She should have sat down and discussed with the OP on how to go forward.

Even a serious recluse like me (who always wanted a dog) would have got one for company during the lockdown (didn't have to since I had my family with me). Besides, it wasn't without informing the family before hand though I agree that ones partner should have been part of the process of choosing a new member.

Like an another member said this thread is also a reflection of the changing perception of marriage and what it entails. Can't believe people want this discussion to only be held behind close doors. We are not discussing infidelity so I don't see the problem as such.

Can't give you any decent advice OP ( I am not even close to getting hitched) but if it was me I would seriously want my spouse to consider my happiness too (I seriously don't subscribe to the notion that all men are supposed to be macho and make all the hard sacrifices in a marriage). But if she is inflexible well then it's up to you on how to go forward. I would give up the puppy to a loving family just for his sake. They have a short life...might as well make it filled with happiness.

[lamborghini]

Man, this is still a life we're talking about and it should have been discussed.
In my opinion, if you plan to give him away make sure you find a good forever home for him to make up for all the trouble he's had to go through.
Drop a PM if you need any help, I know a few people in Delhi - NCR who could help.

[whencut86]

Originally Posted by JithinR

I am not sure if enough people have realised that even the OPs wife didn't stick around to discuss this problem through. She basically went back home and gave him an old style ultimatum.

I thought independent women today were past this age old blackmail technique (I am going back to my parents home and you better sort this out before I get back, do you love that puppy more than me..etc.). She should have sat down and discussed with the OP on how to go forward.

I won't blame her though and won't comment on the ultimatum because it is between the couple and not to be discussed in a public forum. If she is scared and finds it disgusting to live with a dog (she has every right to have that opinion), then do you suggest that she live with disgust/fear in the same house. She opted for the safer way out to avoid living with the dog. We should not fault her for this.

Also see some people doing a character assessment of her based on this which is wrong in my opinion. I know people who are allergic to pets and have health concerns and won't even visit relatives houses having pets. They have every right to do so.

And I find this fad of comparing a dog with a child unrealistic with all these dog parent tags. Not to offend anyone here but having a pet or growing a child are two different things and can never be compared. A child is much bigger responsibility compared to a pet and is a part of life and generations to come. Can't say the same for a dog.

This is a very tricky situation and personally best way out maybe to find a good home for the dog where you can visit often and ask your wife to return home. A marriage is not just a relation between you but between two families and anything untoward happening here will cause friction between both families and common relatives or common family friends.

[tilt]

Originally Posted by armaan_singh

*SNIP*

Looking forward to meaningful suggestions from the community.*SNIP

I am trying to imagine the advice here if the roles were reversed - if you had provided an ultimatum to your wife saying "The expensive silk saree or me, pick one".

My take:

Your wife went back on her word.

You cared about your wife enough to consider ways to make her feel comfortable and unafraid - but she does not care about you at all, the proof is that she's willing to even dump you out of her life forever because of this. She does not even want to discuss and try to find a workable solution.

She gave you an ultimatum that's not open to negotiation. Today it's the dog, tomorrow it could be just about anything. She's the type who cares not about you or your wellbeing, only about her own, everything else and everyone else be damned. This is not someone worth spending any effort on. Why should you care about anyone who does not give a shit about you?

Happy wife is qual to happy life - for the wife. A wife is happy only when the husband is miserable.

Maybe you were hasty in your decision to get the dog, but that should not be a reason to throw such ultimatums.

People here are right - you need the help of a professional - a professional divorce lawyer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsOnXSuMXfU

Cheers

[88_TANK_88]

Hello Armaan,
You would be wrong in taking decisions based on opinions in this thread alone. With the varying opnions I read across the thread, I would like to say that this is your life, your wife and your household. This is not a poll where we vote to keep the dog or let go. This is not a car buying decision where we know the definitive pros and cons of each option.

To the other members of the forum, I would like to say that we should not put what we would do, or what we have done in similar situation and expect Armaan to wish for similar outcome.
Would we have same opinion if his wife had posted a thread that read 'my husband got a dog when I was away due to lockdown'?

I request mods to close this thread for further posts as almost all opinions are represented and any influence on our part may affect the married life of a fellow bhpian. The only people OP should listen to and have discussion with, are the people in his family.

Team-BHP is a community, but in this instance, we are just bystanders and onlookers.

[DigitalOne]

Originally Posted by 88_TANK_88

Hello Armaan,
You would be wrong in taking decisions based on opinions in this thread alone. With the varying opnions I read across the thread, I would like to say that this is your life, your wife and your household. This is not a poll where we vote to keep the dog or let go. This is not a car buying decision where we know the definitive pros and cons of each option.

Nothing much to add here to the excellent points mentioned above.

This is a personal issue; A young man should not base critical personal decisions on what is being opined on a public forum, however knowledgeable the members are.

Hope the OP gets the family support to get to a wise decision. And I hope the mods close this thread, before it does any damage.

[dragonfire]

It's for you to decide - The puppy or the marriage.

Seriously!

Am not implying that the marriage is more important than the pup, but this decision will go a long way in defining what the future of your marriage is.

Even if you let the pub go, you have to take a hard look on what the future holds for you. None of could be the judge for you, but you can.

Good luck!

[libranof1987]

I hope this thread gets deleted soon.

To be honest, I'm appalled at some posts that suggest that his wife is in the wrong, or that he should divorce her. Who are you, who are we to impose an opinion on someone's private life, especially something as significant as marriage. Yes, the OP clearly asked for it by posting this thread, but can't members maintain a basic amount of decency?!

Sure, pets are lovely, the pup seems lovely and going by the OP's account, he is blindsided by his wife's move. But, that's between them. You don't know the whole story, her side of the story, why she feels so. You, we don't know anything.

So, let's calm down and let OP figure this out within his family. Enough mud-slinging on a respectable forum. Poke your nose in your own business please. I'm ashamed of the liberty some have taken to express their opinion and suggestions on the OP's family and character.

[SideView]

Originally Posted by armaan_singh

As you all must have read from the title and it might seem like not a very big deal, but we petrolheads at times are a super passionate bunch and passions come in all forms and figures so here goes.

Prologue : Growing up, I always wanted a dog but was denied one by my folks as is the case in many Indian households, suffice to say I used to be content with the annual visits to cousins who had pets, I would end up spending hours with their dogs and only gave customary greetings to the ones whose house we were visiting. So I had decided that if an when I am independent and get my own home, getting a dog would be on the top of priority list.

Reading the post I feel that it is more than just the issue with the dog here.

I am not going to blame you here. YOU asked and were given a go ahead. If there were even a iota of issue, wife should have highlighted this to you.

Whatever happens to the dog situation, just for future you need to have a heart to heart with you wife, once a decision is taken after both parties have agreed one cannot back out. (Make it clear that this holds true for you as much as your wife)

When such big decisions are taken please do it after discussion in person rather than via calls/virtually, I see that as the only issue on your side.

Married life is not easy is what I can say. Good Luck buddy.

[arvind71181]

Originally Posted by libranof1987

I hope this thread gets deleted soon.

To be honest, I'm appalled at some posts that suggest that his wife is in the wrong, or that he should divorce her. Who are you, who are we to impose an opinion on someone's private life, especially something as significant as marriage. Yes, the OP clearly asked for it by posting this thread, but can't members maintain a basic amount of decency?!

Sure, pets are lovely, the pup seems lovely and going by the OP's account, he is blindsided by his wife's move. But, that's between them. You don't know the whole story, her side of the story, why she feels so. You, we don't know anything.

So, let's calm down and let OP figure this out within his family. Enough mud-slinging on a respectable forum. Poke your nose in your own business please. I'm ashamed of the liberty some have taken to express their opinion and suggestions on the OP's family and character.

+1.

This thread needs to go. Even if the OP and his wife come to a decision, if the OP's wife happens to read this thread anytime in the course of their married life, it won't lead to a happy outcome.

I know the OP asked for advice, but I don't think anyone here in the forum knows all sides of the story to give proper advise. Hope this thread is deleted before it does too much damage.

I have always liked the wide variety of non-automotive topics that are discussed in this forum, but I would like to make a strong exception to this one.

[nirmaljusdoit]

A common predicament i have come across,

Please take some time and google about Hachiko, the legendary japanese dog and the loyalty shown by him long after his owners unfortunate passing. You will get an idea why a dogs loyalty is rated above a humans in many cases and why Hachiko is revered throughout Japan and the world and why millions have visited the spot at Shibuya train station in Tokyo.

There have been numerous cases where dogs have proven their loyalty time and time again.

Getting a pet is equal to having another family member at home equal to a child of your own marriage. You just have to visit a pet cemetry to understand more about the bonds owners share with their pets.

In case your wife doesnt want to understand this and cant work towards this love of yours, your marriage will have more and more issues down the line. I have seen this played out time and time again in such cases.

Move on, and lead a fulfilling life with your beagle or any other pet you choose to get. You can always find a willing partner who will share your love towards animals. You will come back and thank me for this advice years down the line

[K_Drive]

Dear Armaan,

I know lots of emotions going through your head and you did a right thing by seeking help. Sharing do help. But we are not experts in dealing with human emotions. My honest advice will be get a family counseling through a good psychologist. First, you alone consult psychologist. That will help you for sure. Inform her that you felt really void and consulted psychologist for help. Temporarily take the blame on you so that she will be ready to co-operate with psychologist. Most of the families consider consulting a psychologist a taboo. So presenting the whole idea itself should be done in utmost care. You are hardly 1yr married and there are a lot of things you people needs to understand each other. A professional third person like a psychologist can bring more clarity between you two. If possible don't involve other family members. There is a high probability that things will go out of your hand. Take decisions wisely(Yeah, I know it is easier to say and hard to do). Sometimes there may be simple solutions for our complex problems.

Take care.
KD