Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

The 12 finest double-entendres aired on TV & Radio:

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah,isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox
of the
Oxford crew."

5. USPGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out
his *****
and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob,
where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were
laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the USMasters: "Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:"Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UKeclipse coverage remarked:
They seem
cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in
his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick
likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

21 things you CAN get away with saying at Xmas...

>1. I prefer breasts to legs
>2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
>3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
>4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
>5. I've never seen a better spread!
>6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
>7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
>8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
>9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
>10. Don't play with your meat.
>11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
>12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
>13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
>14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
>15. How long will it take after you put it in?
>16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
>17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
>18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
>19. I'm so full; I've been gobbling nuts all morning
>20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
>21. I do like a good stuffing.

__________________________________________________ ______________________________

Just wanted to let you know the New Homeland Security Bill has passed.
Things will be different now and Internet surfing as you know it will be
tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method." The FBI says you won't
notice anything different.

For a demonstration, click on the link below: '

http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

Tim decides to drive down from Brisbane to Melbourne. After a tiring drive down the coast, he reaches Sydney in the early hours. Hungry and tired, he pulls into the 24 hour McDonanlds to freshenup.

Walks into the restroom and takes an empty cubicle. As soon as he sits down, a voice from the next cubicle goes:

Voice : "Hey Mate. How're ya doin?"
Tim:(Thinks this is a strange place to start a conversation..)errr..I am good, thanks. How're ya?"
Voice:(Pause) So, where're ya off to?
Tim: Well, I am on my way to Melbourne.."
Voice:(Longer pause).Listen buddy. Will call ya later. There's an a$$hole in the next cubicle answering my questions...."

A Trek enthusiast wanders into the Northern territory wilderness and is trapped by the native aboriginals and taken to their chief. The chief says "Listen. This is sacred ground and you have trespassed. You can choose between death and punga punga as punishment. What will it be?". The poor victim thinks anything is better than death, so he chooses punga punga.

The tribals take him to a huge V shaped stick planted in the ground, tie him up in a bent over position and all the tribal me have their way with him. He is then let free. The poor guy, very very sore and barely able to walk, somehow manages to make it back home. There he shares his horrible experience with a close friend.

The second guy decides to go for the trek and he is also captured. The chief says "Listen. This is sacred ground and you have trespassed. You can choose between death and punga punga as punishment. What will it be?". Now this guy has information and exactly knows what punga punga is. So he chooses death.

The chief turns to his men, raises his boomerang, and bellows" Allright men. PUNGA PUNGA him to death.."

Quote:

Originally Posted by iraghava (Post 659460)

irags: Dude, these are amazing. ROTFLMAO rl:

Birla dies and goes to heaven. St Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and asks, ‘Who are you, please?’ ‘I’m Birla,’ he replies, slightly annoyed at not being recognized. St. Peter goes through his list of names. ‘B-B-Birla. I’m sorry, your name is not on the list. I don’t think you can enter heaven.’ Birla protests angrily, ‘I’m Birla, the industrialist. I must be on that list. Look again. B-i-r-l-a.’ St. Peter is taken aback by the man’s arrogance and says, ‘I don’t know anybody by that name.’ ‘By Jove,’ Birla exclaim, ‘everybody knows me—everybody. And you’re trying to tell me…’ Peter says politely by firmly, ‘Please, sir, don’t get excited. That won’t help you up here. Your name is not on the list. I’ve never heard of you, and I’m afraid that you won’t be allowed into heaven.’ For a moment Birla is crushed and falls into a morose silence. St Peter feels pity on him and says, ‘But perhaps you can provide us with a good reason why we should let you in.’ Birla immediately perks up and says, ‘I have helped the cause of many religions by spending millions upon millions for the building of temples, mosques and churches.’ St Peter replies, ‘That’s quite natural, all rich people do that: they want to become famous and save paying taxes. But that hardly qualifies you to enter the heavenly paradise.’ By this time Birla is feeling frustrated and shouts, ‘Now look here, my dear chap, there is nobody in the whole of India, maybe in the whole world, who has done so much for his workers and their families, built hundereds of hospitals, homes for orphans and the aged, schools and universities. St Peter says, I’m not sure whether that counts either. After all, these people have given their energy, their labor, their lives, so that you could become rich. No, no—none of that matters in heaven. What we ask, which is the real question: what have you ever done for God?’ Birla frantically searches his memory and finally brightens up, saying with satisfaction, ‘Well, sir, for decades we have been manufacturing the famous Ambassador car. And, whenever somebody opens the door to get into their car, they exclaim, ‘O my God!’”

Above joke is told by Jiddu Krishnamurti (more from the site: Jiddu Krishnamurti - Quotes, personal remembrances and history)

Changed Times

15 years ago.....

A program was..... a television show

An application was.... for employment

Windows were..... something you hated to clean

A keyboard was.... a piano

Memory was.... something you lost with age

A CD was... a bank account

If you unzipped in public you went to jail

Compress was something you did to garbage

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

Log on was adding wood to a fire

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

Cut you did with scissors

Paste you did with glue

A web was a spider's home

And a virus was the flu!!!

SURE TIMES HAVE CHANGED!