[Livnletcarsliv]

Well, it's great to see how people bounce back and take life as it comes and as it is planned. It's even more grateful to those who shared their experience. I will definitely try to get my hands on those specific books that are mentioned here.

Well, just to add more fuel to the fire, I am trying to find peace and balance between my passion for automotive and its practicality of it - The reason is that I am trying to find an appropriate replacement for my lemon Harrier (As some of you might have read my thread about selling my lemon Harrier). I am trying to find the right car which is reliable & safe while also can satisfy the enthusiast in me. After all, life is not all about money.

As a consumer, an enthusiast, a middle-class buyer, and finally a citizen of India, don't I have the right to freedom of choice?

[airguitar]

I'm probably going through that phase now. I have done reasonably well professionally ( though admittedly, not achieved as much as I could have if work and career remained my top priority, which it hasn't been in the last 3-4 years, especially around and after covid). I have ticked most boxes that an above-average achiever hopes to do by 40. Yet, at this age, I don't know if I should push harder on the professional front or if I should retreat a bit into focusing on my growing kids, my wife who feels that there hasn't been enough time for each other over the years.

Skillwise, I'm still very good; perhaps better than most of my peers and upcoming studs. But some of them have done better than me because they are way more driven than me and work remains their top priority; way more ambitious. Do I take a leaf out of their books to move towards the astronomic compensations they command and the titles they hold or do what I feel happy doing? Having seen 2 decades of IT industry, there is a sense of ennui in me. I still enjoy my chosen industry and my day to day work. But I don't see how it all matters in the end or atleast now if I should do something out of the norm. I haven't really been able to bring myself to believe that what everyone does is in the best interest of themselves and for others around them - cut throat competition with your own peers, office politics, doing things that accentuate your contributions as opposed to the actual work you do, not being receptive to advice, not owning up to mistakes and lack of decisiveness, unjustifiable deadlines and killing oneself living up to it etc. The industry would be a more creative and fruitful place if team work and true solution remained the priorities. Also, it hurts when an old friend turns up and says, "man, I expected you to have been so and so by this age given your potential, but how come you haven't?". It feels like potential gone unrealized.

On the other hand, if I compare myself to hedonists that have gone all out enjoying lives or people that have enjoyed life responsibly ( pursuing hobbies, spending time-money-energy-emotions on stuff they love/passionate about ) ; when I compare myself with them, I feel that I haven't enjoyed life as much as them.

Again, I have balanced my work and pursuit of pleasure quite well ; I don't feel like I have lost out on anything major, just that I feel way below my benchmarks in each of the category : a) high achievers professionally b)happy people in personal life. It feels a bit of neither here nor there. Interestingly I have never been a comparer of myself with others ever, not even as a child, a young adult etc. I have been the quietly confident type always. But around the 40 mark, I seem to trust myself a lot less; feel frustrated with the smallest of things not going my way ( e.g. a faulty product delivered by an ecomm site or a meeting getting canceled at the last minute ). It all feels new and miserable. A close friend who's a few years older than me said that it was pretty normal as you accept you begin to accept your limitations and manage your priorities at 40.

More than the financial aspects, it's the sense of purpose that is missing. Or is it simply a lack of energy and enthusiasm? What do I do ? Push harder at work or do what gives the maximum peace of mind? Is it wrong to deprioritize one's career (this is not the same as not doing a productive job, or not doing justice to it ) and focus on enjoying life at 40? Would I regret it when I'm 60 that I could have achieved a lot more professionally or would I be thankful for my younger self for having lived my life?

PS I read somewhere: "The only people who remember that you worked really late on your job are your kids".

[comfortablynumb]

Originally Posted by airguitar

What do I do?

You have echoed my thoughts (or as some people call them - my silent mental ramblings) perfectly. I don't have an answer that I can share with you, but it does feel comforting to know that there are others like me out there. Thank you.

When it all gets a bit too much, I remember these words from one of my many favourite poems, Desiderata, and feel a little bit better. Hope they help you too.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Cheers!

[airguitar]

Originally Posted by comfortablynumb

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Cheers!

I'm going to make a poster out of this and frame it and put it up in the foyer. What a lovely, timely solace!

[download2live]

Originally Posted by airguitar

I don't know if I should push harder on the professional front or if I should retreat a bit into focusing on my growing kids, my wife who feels that there hasn't been enough time for each other over the years.

My father had some colleagues who were so career driven that they just came home to catch up on sleep ! I will not go into how the kids turned out.

My parents say that the biggest blessing they had was that their kids turned out well and are well settled.
Do understand that kids move out and most of them never bother to look back at parents. But that is what being a parent is all about.
So what stays back with you? Health.
Start working on your health. I try. In bits and pieces. Drive is not there. Intention is.

[V.Narayan]

Originally Posted by airguitar

I'm probably going through that phase now. <----->PS I read somewhere: "The only people who remember that you worked really late on your job are your kids".

Thank you for bringing up this topic. I'm sure it is on the minds of several young & middle aged readers. I won't preach to you as there are several posts already on do's and don't's. Let's start with the end game. When in a quandry over a long term matter my approach is to start with the answer or end game.

I'm 63. I was the youngest but one in my MBA batch 4+ decades ago. Ours has been an exceptionally close knit batch and today almost all are retired or retiring except a few in business or a couple settled abroad or two who are Chairman of their respective big companies. The rest are back to being 21-year olds we once were. We have quite a few big shots from both Govt and industry in our alumni group mind you but do you think any one of us gives a damn? It simply has faded to irrelevance. When we had our 25th year get together there was fierce sense of competition of who was where in the race to the top and today all that has faded into complete irrelevance. Only one of us took a long while to grasp that showing off about your achievements is now out of fashion with this group.

After you are done with your first career at say 60 or 65 there will still be a 20+ year life ahead of you and possibly a second career often more meaningful than the first. At that stage what will matter is - your health, how your children turn out, your children's relationship with you, your relationship with your life partner, your financial stability in that order. As I wrote in my thread on cancer that nothing like a life threatening disease to put paid to all your titles, awards, news clippings and what not.

Mind you I didn't get this formula down to perfection. I worked like a dog to build my career/business, earn material wealth, chased awards & status relentlessly, loved seeing my name in the papers et al. The only thing I got right was spending time with my kids each evening, attending to their studies class 6 onwards and being home every Sunday with no emails/conference calls. The kids were okay with me coming home at 8PM so long as I was consistent in spending 8PM to 9.30PM with them exclusively. And today as adults they remember that. If we lose the opportunity to build bridges when the children are young we can never ever catch up with that lost foundation later on.

Best of luck with your endeavours.

[vivek.ks]

I created a wallpaper from the lines of desiderata. These are some powerful lines to be read everyday.

[subraiyr]

Originally Posted by airguitar

More than the financial aspects, it's the sense of purpose that is missing. Or is it simply a lack of energy and enthusiasm? What do I do ? Push harder at work or do what gives the maximum peace of mind? Is it wrong to deprioritize one's career (this is not the same as not doing a productive job, or not doing justice to it ) and focus on enjoying life at 40? Would I regret it when I'm 60 that I could have achieved a lot more professionally or would I be thankful for my younger self for having lived my life?

PS I read somewhere: "The only people who remember that you worked really late on your job are your kids".

Mid life crisis is not a financial crisis. It is an existential crisis. Most of us go through it, but on the surface we equate it to financial crisis. I am at cross roads in my career. I work with a renowned consulting firm and like the work i do. But in the last few years, i went through the existential question of what am i doing here. And i had a transformational moment while contemplating on life. Now i am pursuing an advanced coaching program which will help me do what i love to do. Work with people.

My priorities have changed now. I have been in this for the last 2 years and not for a moment have i regretted my decision. I have slowed down at work. I was on the brink of a promotion and i had the courage and conviction to say No as it hindered my passion. I see others passing by me at work and it doesnt bother me one bit. Although my missus does use some of the choicest at such situations.

At the end of the day, mid life crisis is all about you, not what is going around you. Happy to talk more

[shankar.balan]

This thread seems to be going in the direction of Financial security or the lack of it. It seems to be the paramount worry.

I suggest here that too often we fall prey to comparison. And considering ‘what others may think’ when in actual fact they are all so busy with their own headaches that they can scarcely bother to give thought to you for a minute.

As someone else here said, it is very important to learn contentment. And to just stop a while and smell the roses or the freshly mown grass or the scent of earth with the first rain.

I have made the analogy earlier of the old Amar Chitra Katha Story about the 7th Pot of Gold. Here it is again.

And I also make another related analogy to a quote from Grantland Rice which was written in our School Gymnasium. It held true then, holds true now and will hold true for Always.

We (members of this Forum) are all extremely fortunate. Lets take time to appreciate that piece.

[ajmat]

I am reaching that magic age. I used to work in Management Consulting but fatherhood changed all that. I moved to a cushy MNC job which some challenges here and there. I was able to spend quality time with my daughter while she grew up. We invested in the best education etc.

I could have aimed for a high pressure high reward job but I don't regret it. I was unemployed for nearly 2 years, luckily I had decent reserves to get through this period. At 56 years, the hopes of getting a job was near zilch. You learn to pivot and network. A side effect is that my daughter saw us being careful and is very careful with her money.

To cut a long story, I joined a growing company, the pace is unrelenting but I can put the time in, my daughter is now a working lawyer 900km away! I sometimes wonder whether I should hang up but I really don't know what to do, it's still nice to have an income and not to budget too tightly.

Like the Man with Seven jars, I have friends who are extremely well paid and live very well. I do wonder what happens, the day the job ends. The children are pretty entitled and get everything, I would love to see them live and work independently.

[anshu1101]

Originally Posted by comfortablynumb

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Cheers!

Thank you so much for this! The best thing I've read or heard in a long time.
I'm in my late 30s, and would hit the 40 mark very soon. Many a times I'm at a loss to think where I'm headed, and if it is all worth it.

We are taught a lot of things when we are growing up in our formative years - Strive to be successful, strive to be ahead of the game, strive to be your very best, and what not. But, strive to be happy! That's a rare thing which hardly anyone tells you to do.

Thank you again, reading this was like a breath of fresh air.

[KeepReading]

Originally Posted by V.Narayan

Thank you for bringing up this topic. I'm sure it is on the minds of several young & middle aged readers. I won't preach to you as there are several posts already on do's and don't's. Let's start with the end game. When in a quandry over a long term matter my approach is to start with the answer or end game.

I'm 63. I was the youngest but one in my MBA batch 4+ decades ago. Ours has been an exceptionally close knit batch and today almost all are retired or retiring except a few in business or a couple settled abroad or two who are Chairman of their respective big companies. The rest are back to being 21-year olds we once were. We have quite a few big shots from both Govt and industry in our alumni group mind you but do you think any one of us gives a damn? It simply has faded to irrelevance. When we had our 25th year get together there was fierce sense of competition of who was where in the race to the top and today all that has faded into complete irrelevance. Only one of us took a long while to grasp that showing off about your achievements is now out of fashion with this group.

After you are done with your first career at say 60 or 65 there will still be a 20+ year life ahead of you and possibly a second career often more meaningful than the first. At that stage what will matter is - your health, how your children turn out, your children's relationship with you, your relationship with your life partner, your financial stability in that order. As I wrote in my thread on cancer that nothing like a life threatening disease to put paid to all your titles, awards, news clippings and what not.

Mind you I didn't get this formula down to perfection. I worked like a dog to build my career/business, earn material wealth, chased awards & status relentlessly, loved seeing my name in the papers et al. The only thing I got right was spending time with my kids each evening, attending to their studies class 6 onwards and being home every Sunday with no emails/conference calls. The kids were okay with me coming home at 8PM so long as I was consistent in spending 8PM to 9.30PM with them exclusively. And today as adults they remember that. If we lose the opportunity to build bridges when the children are young we can never ever catch up with that lost foundation later on.

Best of luck with your endeavours.

Words of wisdom.

Due to longer working hours, my time with kids is not quality enough. I worry whether I am self centric about career and ignoring other responsibilities. I feel miserable. As kids entering to teenage, I feel exhausted and feel terrible.
Financially, well settled.
Getting the urge to quit and be close to family and take care of health.
I am not sure on what can be right time to quit.
I dont have a proper goal post quitting.

[Apex1815]

Sir, Thank you for bringing in this. I also feel similar in my mid-30s. I am an Automobile Engineer and I am working in the same company since the beginning of my career.

IMHO, the sense of boredom or frustration comes may be because we feel every day being repetitive. The daily routine makes us think that we are living the same day.

I think that To add slight spark to the life, we should gradually develop hobbies.

Some hobbies you may pursue for lifetime and in some you may lose the interest gradually.

I have made a resolution that Every year I will try to develop a new hobby so as to keep myself fresh/active.

Here are few which I have pursued so far so as to keep excitement going on in life:

1) Daily Workout : I started going to Gym at the age of 25 and till today in my mid-30s I never miss my gym. Daily exercise is definitely an energy booster.

2) Playing Guitar : I recently developed this interest and try to practice it everyday for atleast 30~45 minutes after dinner. My 5 yrs old son also join me during this session with his toy guitar.

3) Perfumes : I had a huge interest in Perfumes right from my childhood. Gradually it turned out to be my obsession. In free time I study about Perfumes, Attars etc. Also I never miss a chance to sample them or Test them whenever I take my wife and kid for shopping. Gradually, my Perfume and Attar collection has turned so huge that I have to slow down this the itch of exploring & buying perfumes.

4) Astrology : This is the Subject I started exploring and studying out of curiosity during pandemic (Started in 2020). There are a lot of key take aways from this Science (which the younger version of me would have always presumed as a myth).

So To conclude,
Developing new hobbies give secondary purpose to the life apart from the regular race and pressure of being the best.

[Neurodoc]

Hi team

I am very thankful for this thread. I am 36 and currently planning to shift to a second tier city just to have a better career and more time with family. In the medical field, our career starts late compared to other fields and I have felt all the insecurities seeing my engineering friends settling early in life, some moving to foreign lands and some cracking UPSC.

Need advice regarding what is the most important thing in our 60s. Till now, like everyone, I am chasing a career, money and somewhat health. What is the advice you want to give to your younger team?

[amitayu]

It is sad to see guys in their mid 30s contemplating midlife crisis. Hit midlife before you think about a crisis guys!!


As a 45 year old 'youngster' who spend half his life being a rebel and headstrong non-conformist, here are my few cents:

A. never have any regrets about your past. You should be partial and biased towards yourself and forgive ALL your mistakes. IF you are still around it means no matter how much you F-ed up, you survived. Remember, that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

B. LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST. For that, live the present. We spend too much time focussing on the future and ignore the present.

C. You never have perfect 20/20 vision about the future. No astrologer, star gazer, consultant or insurance plan can give you 100% guarantees. Life does not come with guarantees. So plan for the future but be mentally prepared for disappointments. If you sare prepared, there will be no disappointments.

D. You think therefore you exist (Descartes really opened a can of worms with that one). But if you overthink, you undermine your own existense.

E. The purpose of life can be found in being happily engaged in your own world. It can be cars, music, arts, movies, just meeting with old friends and families every month. Find your own world and nurture it.