[condor]

While this may sound more about literature than a response to the question asked by @DasAuto1985:


Back in high-school, we used to have two papers of English - I & II. Part II was not so much about grammar etc, and for one assignment, I had to present a write-up about Dom Moraes.

I found his autobiography, and then was also able to read a few of his poems. One poem "Key" stands out for me, all through these years. Esp from the middle onwards, this poem is so apt for the question asked - especially lines 9 - 12.

[am1m]

On a bit of a tangent, how much of this is regret at not doing things we should have done earlier?

Speaking for myself, I'm surprised at what held me back from taking more risks and trying out new things when I was in my late teens and 20s, when I had less to lose and the opportunity cost was lower, as opposed to wanting to do them in my late-30s and 40s. (And hopefully, not regretting not doing them at all, when I'm in my 50s and 60s!) I think as Indians, we are really very serious through school and college and on the job. It's only after we've 'ticked-off' certain goals that we start to focus on other things. But by that time, we're not at our physical peak, life responsibilities have gone up, and the appetite and enthusiasm for risk has also gone down.

Which makes us perfect targets for 'lifestyle' products that tell us we can exchange large sums of money to capture something we should have experienced for free when we were younger!

[autocrat]

And there is Social Media.

You see so many people do so many things. Our parents, when they were our age, had no social media content access like we do now.

Their life was simple. Work, Family, Doordarshan and Rest.

Such a drastic change in lifestyle in the last 2 decades, we are overwhelmed by the incessant barrage of information. The more we watch, the more the desire. We want driving holidays, international holidays, cruises, food tours, backpacking, the list is endless. And we want to pack all this into our short lives - as much and as many as possible.

FOMO - Fear Of Missing Out - this is driving most of our actions or activities. Should our lives be dictated by some random peoples likes and upvotes on social media? Isn't it time to stop, look back, relax and re-evaluate our personal goals?

[download2live]

Originally Posted by autocrat

FOMO - Fear Of Missing Out - this is driving most of our actions or activities. Should our lives be dictated by some random peoples likes and upvotes on social media? Isn't it time to stop, look back, relax and re-evaluate our personal goals?

Let me introduce you to the term : JOMO. Joy of missing out.

It is not just social media. Media on the whole is toxic now. The aim is to somehow get attention. Unfortunately humans are evolved to give more importance to negative sentiments. It increased the chances of survival in early days by always being on lookout for danger.

I am not sure if i am going through the midlife crisis. But I have started reading scriptures. Somehow I am enjoying it and it is giving me a tiny bit of peace. I can relate many things in life to what is written out there.

I am thinking of re-writing the scriptures in a modern style. Today's generation cannot wait till page 85 for the main stories to start.

[montsa007]

Originally Posted by download2live

It is not just social media. Media on the whole is toxic now. The aim is to somehow get attention.

Now that is true, no sugar coating .
Altough I don't belong in this thread (yet), sooner or later I'll be a part of it.
Lately I'm trying my best to avoid social media apps/platforms as much as I can, its more or less a time sucker.

[subraiyr]

Originally Posted by DasAuto1985

My main motivation right now is money and career development. Like you said 37 feels like a right age as a little older, I may lose the appetite and the company too will look for someone younger.

Have been there and done that although not really long-term. When my son was a year + I was posted in Jamaica for some time, then to Dublin, and then to Chicago. It is a challenge for both the parents and the children. But with today's advancements in communication, travel, and HR policies, I am sure you can work out things to keep connected. Today, I have zero appetite for corporate travel. I prefer to travel on vacation with my family. I am in a role that dictates travel, but till now I have pushed back. This has reduced my chances to move upward. I have refused promotions due to travel commitments and the time pressure it comes with them. At the end of the day, it is your call. The only thing I would advise is not to have regrets about whatever decision you take.

This brings me to an anecdote from the family. My missus dad had to relocate to Libya for a couple of years. This was in the 80s when communication was tough. There were only postal services and ISD was very expensive. Missus was a child and she and her mum stayed with her grandparents and uncles. Both her parents corresponded over letters written diligently and posted every week + photographs of the growing child being sent every month. Dad was excited to come back at the end of 2 years and when he landed, his daughter would not go to him. She called her uncle dad and her dad uncle. It took them over 6 months to righten the ship. But it was tough on both parents

[airguitar]

Thanks everyone for continuing to pour in heartfelt posts and suggestions. Additional thoughts:

• Men don't seem to open about their insecurities and worries to other men - no matter how close they are. Perhaps most of them want to keep the aura intact. Perhaps each man inherently views the other man as a competitor (basic instincts?). On the contrary, a bit of anonymity seems to encourage free thoughts like on this forum. I have spoken to so many friends - same as my age and some 5-6 years older than me. I could see that they didn't want to open up to the details of their failures, insecurities, the exact problems they went through/going through in their 40s. This is a pattern I see in other aspects too : men will never speak about their failed interviews, failed relationships etc, but are more willing to talk about the secret of their success once they are successful. While peculiar to men ( I see women being more open about their problems and seeking help and helping each other ), men seem to become more sociable/approachable/generous when they are successful. The only problem I have with this is that there are so many tough things we all go through which are the same, yet it all feels so unique - a little bit of heart to heart advice will go a long way in combating stuff like midlife crisis. Of the 12 or so people I spoke to, only 2 opened up and were willing to talk about this.
• Similar things apply to families. How many times have our parents spoken about problems - financial or relationship related? How many parents actually advice children on relationships - with a partner or even for the day when you become an in-law - during our young adult phase ? We keep repeating the mistakes generation after generation ad nauseum.

I recently saw a linked in post of a former colleague and he had landed a top job. All along I had always felt that I was way superior to him in terms of abilities, but his current role is something that will take me 5 years of hard work to catchup. I didn't sleep the whole night pondering about where I had fallen by the way side. However, when I woke up in the morning , I was a wiser person. I had a clear matrix of where I had spent my time, emotion and energy in the last 3 years v/s him. I also realized that the next 5 years I wouldn't want to be spending my years ( and my kids') to chase a job related thing. Helped me draw meaningful conclusions. Also, it also made me realize how better a person I had become for myself and for my family in the last 2-3 years because of that reprioritization.

I was also reminded of a former boss, that at 50 is head and shoulders above his peers, juniors and seniors. He knows every 250 members of his team by name, designation and compensation. He still codes and is consistently the top most committer in the team. His communication skills are top notch as are his leadership and technical skills. Everyone openly acknowledges that he's the best the firm had, yet he doesn't have a designation that many of his juniors and less capable people have. And it's such a common conversation on the floor as to why he doesn't have that title. He simply doesn't chase those things and doesn't care. What a person!

I'm more relaxed in the last week or two about my choices. My only endeavor will be to be the best at what I do, but not chase things. Most importantly, I will not compare myself to others. I realize that this is the phase that I will remember as plateauing career-wise, but it will be a conscious decision.

The other important takeaway for me is : not pursuing a career at 45 doesn't mean you should start taking it easy or laze around. It's all the more important to keep up your energies and enthusiasm for life; for your children are watching you and you cannot afford to look like a person that takes things easy, and without enthusiasm, all the other arguments I have made come to a nought. As Lakshmana says in Ramayana "उत्साहो बलवानार्य नास्त्युत्साहात्परं बलम्। सोत्साहस्य च लोकेषु न किंचिदपि दुर्लभम्॥" - Enthusiasm is power. Nothing is as powerful as enthusiasm. Nothing is difficult in this world for an enthusiastic person

Non, rien de rien; Non, je ne regrette rien.

[DigitalOne]

Originally Posted by subraiyr

Both her parents corresponded over letters written diligently and posted every week + photographs of the growing child being sent every month.

Off topic. If they have preserved those letters, it would be a treasure years down the line.

[rav11stars]

Originally Posted by download2live

Let me introduce you to the term : JOMO. Joy of missing out.

I am not sure if i am going through the midlife crisis. But I have started reading scriptures. Somehow I am enjoying it and it is giving me a tiny bit of peace. I can relate many things in life to what is written out there.
.

Thanks for mentioning this. I too discovered the joy of understanding our vedas and their meaning. What led me to this is the nagging question of "why am I here? What's my purpose?". Blame it on the monotonous life or being in mid-life I started wondering what am I doing all of this for.

Thankfully in Telugu we have pravachans by Sri Garikapati and Sri Chaganti who have two very different approaches in explaining the vedas and scriptures. Listening to them talk about how ephemeral and short life is, lent a sense of calmness.

I prefer a minimalistic approach and have a leisurely outlook towards life. It is more of a "life is meant to be enjoyed at a slow pace; slow down to notice the small things" approach. Listening to these pravachans gave a sense of confidence that what I'm thinking is in the correct direction.

[AirbusCapt]

The root cause of all crisises. Jealousy and comparision. Its easier said than done, but the day one stops getting affected by the 'success' of others, that is the day one would be truly free.

Think of life as trekking on a mountain. It is pointless to race the other trekkers, it is pointless to try and be first, the whole objective is to trek at ones pace, stop and enjoy the view and complete the trek in ones own time.

The modern world wants you to be ultra competitive, be the rat running the career/growth path/lifestyle exercise wheel until you die, because the self serving industry that you work for needs you chained to your job for them to maximise profits.

If you live life at your pace, you have already won.

[shankar.balan]

I will submit a few things politely here;

We must learn contentment and to count our blessings. Like that old hymn which some of us learnt at convent school.

We must learn to be secure and confident in ourselves as individuals. Each person is unique. Water always finds its own level.

All this comparison-led stuff is bound to result in reduced joy. We should practise facing up to facts, facing and surmounting fears and approaching life with confidence (and a level of intelligence).

Not all of us are ‘street smart’ and ‘go-getters’ and ‘politicians’ at work, to the exclusion of all else, like many people say we ‘must’ be, in order to succeed. (Especially in the cut and thrust of the Corporate world which nowadays seems to be composed largely of Pirates and where there are few Gentlemen left!)

It is always true that like the ‘fastest swimming sperms’, some may get ahead a tad faster than others. The rest may just take a bit longer. But most of us will still get there in the end.

Because life does have a way of levelling things out. (Like Bangalore traffic does!)

If you’re undergoing a sense of under-achievement or non-achievement etc, it is worth re-calibrating your goals all over again. Life goals ought to take precedence. That which makes you happy, you must pursue, because quite simply, you owe it to yourself.

Some wise man said, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, then the fish will always be judged a failure.

Its perfectly ok to choose to opt-out of the rat-race if you like. Because whether you win or lose you’re still just a rat.

Todays world there is so much mental stress, family relationship stress and chaos in life, leading to increasing health issues and the like. Best learn to breathe a little a re-calibrate from time-to-time.

Better to learn to be CEO of your own life.

Lest people think I am sitting on some high pedestal and preaching platitudes from an impregnable fortress of power, please do note that I am most definitely NOT one of those wildly successful career-obsessed people. (Like those you see in TV serials like ‘Suits’ and all.)

In my early 50’s now, if I sit and compare with my own old friends in terms of assets owned and achievements done, I am quite low-down on the ladder even now, just as I once was at the lower-end of the class in certain subjects.

No problems at all with that.

End of the day, I’d rather be easy with and on myself, work towards peace, quiet and happiness and daily enjoyment of whatever things we are able to experience - books, music, films, hobbies like model cars, the company of other souls like my small family and my pet dog, my nice old vehicles, a little golf on weekends etc.

Don’t really need to be super-rich and be obsessed all the time with money and investments and riches but must always be smilingly super-happy and uncomplicated.

Don’t need to be recognised everywhere and touted with pomp, show and grand circumstance and red carpet and all.

Quite happy wandering about the city and the country and indeed the world, being an unrecognisable anonymous nobody.

Because,

It is NOT at all whether you win or lose, but how you Played the Game.

But for us All, to quote that old Mongolian saying
‘Yol Bolsun’ - May There (Always) Be a Road!

[shankar.balan]

Originally Posted by airguitar

Non, rien de rien; Non, je ne regrette rien.

A man of education, taste and refinement.
Clearly.
Edith Piaf, no less!
Very very apt indeed.

[TheSpadgieDrive]

Originally Posted by shankar.balan

A man of education, taste and refinement.
Clearly.
Edith Piaf, no less!
Very very apt indeed.

I am 37 years old and about a year ago, I was working in a Tech Firm in the Consulting Domain. My months would be filled with flights and meetings. Since I was fairly Senior in my Dept, I had to be present in these meetings and other office programs.

I soon realized that while I was honoring my office work, meetings and dinners, I was sometimes not available to meet my friends and most importantly, I had been postponing my decision to do one thing I wanted to do the most and that was road tripping across the western ghats.
I was postponing it for 6 years till one fine day, a friend of mine called me up and asked me "what of the promises you made to yourself?"

Post this conversation, I put down my papers and went on a road trip from Gurgaon to Kanyakumari and I am still doing this trip.

Yes, in the course of 8 months, I saw a lot of my peers become partners, leaders and that has left me a bit dismayed but I also know that one day, I will have the time but no energy. At 50, my energy levels will be less, enthusiasm low and may be I will not be as adventurous as I am now.

Even as I write this post down, I have received a notification that one of my friends has now taken up a leadership role.......

I guess in India we are programmed to operate in fear and conformity. Any deviation from work, jobs, marriage, kids, gives license for others to question us.

But what keeps me going is the fact that in a world where conformity is the order of the day, a minor deviation is seen as an act of rebellion. For motorheads like me, who loves the road and the wheels, I tell myself, "How does it matter"!!!!


Just go drive!!!! and so says my Youtube channel https://www.youtube.com/@theramblingtraveler

[corner_craver]

This thread seems to be the culmination of wisdom of all the wise men and women in the forum & the ones seeking those.

What worked out for me was

My flatmate in my first job had given up on IT and had become a mental health and wellness coach. I approached him when I was in the doldrums and sought help and 4 sessions later I could see the energy starting to flow again. I didn't have high hopes that 4 session can give such a turn around, but it did wonders to me. I recommend this highly

Continuing with the wellness theme, I started my meditation and wellness exercise routine in the nearby park at sunrise time. I have been following a Youtube channel https://www.youtube.com/@BrainEducationTV and all the routines of theirs I followed has worked wonders for my mental wellness

A simple act of walking in the park barefooted on the watered grass gives me the feeling of being grounded and connected to the world. I recently heard of the barefoot shoes moment and thinking to get on the bandwagon

I am grateful for all the things that I have at the moment including my wheels, kids schooling, family, friends, finances etc and the only thing that I pass around to everyone is love. This was from my wellness coach


Reading this thread in its entirety. All the below points are from the thread.
I have given up on Linkedin
Someone said about cleaning up your clutter atleast once a year. Am just 20% through my clutter and gives me a sense of space and serenity.
Managing your finances better. I used to be living forward just on my credit cards and just the simple act of tracking my expenses, inflows and needs for the last 2 months on my iphone numbers app has given back control on my finances. I question a number of those impulse buying and ended up returning atleast 1 or 2 purchases.

I wish you all well who is undergoing the crisis and my best wishes to overcome this and living your life to the fullest!