[highpriest]

Comedian Andy Dick as Harlan McCraney, the genius behind George W. Bush's stupidity. As the President's speechwriter, he is the architect behind Bush's most famous moments of eloquence. One of the funniest Bush video clips out there. Apologies if this has already been posted.

[need QuickTime for this]
http://www.xroadsfilms.com/batescomedycentral/

Cheers
Harish

[Sid Schumacher]

try this.

There are less than 4000 people in the world who can escape this room . So have a shot.

http://flash.qbol.net/pl;p/youxi/images/04042203.swf


There are 13 items hidden in this room in order to let you get out of this room.

If you found:
0-6 items, your IQ is very low, total idiot
6-8 items, Low IQ, u r an idoit
9-10 items, u r normal
11-12 items, your IQ is high, above the average.
13 items found and get out of the room, there are less than 4000 people in the world can do it.



PS: Want any clues...PM me...I'm one of the 4000

[Sid Schumacher]

I dont know if this has been posted before....if you have read it, read it again.


These are actual ads on a Tamil matrimony site. Just read this and
burst out laughing. Grammar and spell errors have no place in a
profile description as everything is straight from the heart!
Disclaimer : I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar
after reading this mail...






- Hello To Viewvers My Name is Somesha , I am single i dont have
Famale, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am
not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like
me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls viset my
resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Somesha ~*~



i want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa
state he is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other
homework


(Homework?)



Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. She
may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the
entire life can run smoothly. thank you


(The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)



She should be good looking and should have a service. She Shoulsd have
one brother and one sister. She should be educated.


(ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)



I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I
love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love.
I am looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i. Because i
love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on
........ hold my hand forever !!!


(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)



i am simple boy.I have lot ofproblemin mylife because ofmylucknow i
amlooking onegirlshe caremeandloveme lot lot lot


(I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)



My wife should be as 'Parwati' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tulsi
as in KSBKBT......


(Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too
much, ain't he?)



i want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house
but while steping out of house she should give recpect to our cast


(by not wearing her jeans? ahem...)



HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GUY,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO
LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL
MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE
1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND
THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.


(all of us are loughing)



whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be
someone bride and she must think of the future life if she is toolike
this she would bde called the lady of the lamp


(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this guy wants)



i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i
love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok


(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is
suffering from "Ok-syndrome")



HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1
CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK


(the "ok syndrome" again)



iam pradip my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater&mother
sister complity marred


(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married
'completely'?)



iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and
parent. i am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original
resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.


(actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)



my name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes
pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes


(height of desperation! J )



Iwant one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartly or she
havea frank she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey.
IThink the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are
beautiful. but iam not a handsome person or not a good looking. but my
Mom say that Iam a good person. My father already expired . iam
''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye.


(uttama purushan)



iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.


(No comments)



I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT.


(maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)



hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life happily.i
divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good'. i expect the good
minded and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other
caste accepted ...


(but credit cards not accepted..???)



my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service


(Zebra..???)



i'm looking out for who lives in bombay, girl simple who trust me lot
should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY.


(Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)



to be married on jan-2005. working woman perferable


(this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a
bride. I wish him best luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will
get one soon.)



i would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure.
because girl is the mahalakshmi.


(Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)



ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not
paying salary at present.

(Any takers again?)

[haryan]

DEATHS THAT MADE EVEN TOP DOCTORS WONDER...




This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care ward

where Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM. So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.

So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding

wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil........



Just when the! clock struck 11...

and then......





then.....

















then.....



























then.....













































then.....















then.....











Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and

unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum

cleaner

[haryan]

HI FRIENDS NJOY,


Don't smoke
Don't drink
Don't do drugs.
Leave the rest to me.

this is a collection of leave letters and applications
written by people in
Various places of India...


1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for
leave as follows:

Since I have to go to my village to sell my land
along with my wife,
Please sanction me one-week leave.


2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee
who was performing the
"mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me
for two days.."


3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an
employee who was
performing his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a
week's leave.."


4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one
responsible for it,
please grant me 10 days leave."


5. Another employee applied for half day leave as
follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10
o-clock and I may not
return, please grant me half day casual leave"


6. An incident of a leave letter

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day
holiday."


7. A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering
from headache. I
request you to leave me today"


8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave
for the day."


9. Covering note:

"I am enclosed herewith..."


10. Another one:

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please
refer to my below..."


11. Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her
only husband at
home I may be granted leave".


12. Letter writing: -

"I am in well here and hope you are also in the
same well."


13. A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling
for a ' Typist and
an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am
both(!! )for the past
several years and I can handle both with good
experience, I am
applying for the post.

[haryan]

Once a Hyderabadi, Always a Hyderabadi...

>1. Your address reads as 23-404-32/67A-43 (New MCH number
>56-678/4A/B-22),while you actually live in the second house beside zamzam
>cafe in lane behind Anand Theatre on SP Road.
>
>2. You end up buying only a salwar kameez, whether it is a theatre
>workshop,food mela, consumer expo, designer jewellery show, science show or an
>automobile convention.

>3. Your street has at least one roadside mobile hotel that serves Chinese
>delicacies such as " Vegetable soft needles", "Navrotten Kurma", "Chicken
>Manchewurea" or "American Chompsee".
>
>4. Your answer is 'seedha chale jao' when somebody asks you for
>directions,whether it is to Malakpet, Masab Tank, Malkajgiri or Moosapet.
>
>5. You come across tailors sporting the board: 'Immidiot delivery in two
>days onli'.
>
>6.You can speak Hindi, Urdu, hyderabadi hinglish, except Telugu, fluently.
>
>7.You ask the waiter to get you some 'Aam ka achaar' even if you are
>sitting at a lavish continental banquet dinner with exotic Chinese,
>Mexican, Italian and Lebanese cuisines.
>
>8. You order for a tea just after having had a Caramel custard.
>
>9. You have at least one Srinivas, Prasad, Raju, Rao or Venkatesh within
>six >square feet. OR you have at least one cousin, friend, colleague or
>acquaintance with these names.
>
>10. You have at least one cousin, friend, colleague or acquaintance in
>the US in software.
>
>11. Every time somebody gives you a piece of good news, the first thing you
>ask them is 'Party kab hain ?'
>
>12. Refer to any past as 'parso', be it yesterday or long before
>three hundred years.
>
>13. You call 11 AM as subah subah.
>
>14. You label your boss as 'Dimakh Kharab'
>
>15. And it doesn't matter where in the "Gulf/middle east" you are leaving
>you always tell you are going to "Dubai ". (I know of one family who still
>keep telling everyone their son is in "uno Dubai mein hai" but he is
>physically in Yemen for the past 5 years. :-)]
>
>16. You are 15 minutes late and you feel you are on time.
>
>17. You look at the fixed price stand and still ask 'dene ka bolo'
>
>18. If you do not eat rice at least once a day you will die.(Nothing other
>than Rice is considered as a meal)
>
>19. You feel offended by someone looking at you (Kaiku ghoor raa be?)
>
>20. You think you are a born shayer and use some typical filmi batein in
>stylish urdu and crack some romantic jokes.
>
>21. While someone does the above, you say to yourself 'chubbe saale ,mooh
>dekh aaine mein, tere ku kaun pat thi, pataaney waala tho main hi hoon'
>
>22. You can say the typical "Light le le baap" and be cool without
>analyzing what the situation is.
>
>23. You feel its legal and your Nizami birth right to show your hand and
>stop the traffic (better than a traffic police) while you cross the road
>whenever and wherever you like.
>
>24. You can hang out in a Irani cafe the whole day after ordering one cup
>tea and a empty saucer for yourself and your dear friend and you chat like
>thats the last day with each other.
>
>25. You eat Paradise Biryani or bawarchi Biryani atleast once in a month
>
>26. You go to the Petrol Bunk and say "Panch Point Single Oil maaro yaaro"
>and hand over 15 bucks.
>
>27. You can relate the words 'Nakko', 'Hou' 'Kaiku' ,'hallu' and make these
>the integral part of your vocabulary.
>
>28. You tell your friend that you will 'just come back' ("abbhi aathu
>mein") >and your friend knows that either you will take a couple of hours or not
>come back at all.
>
>29. You end up watching every movie you come across , and end up saying oh!
>that was good , but it could be better if it was made that way
>
>30. You are reading this and secretly admitting that you are, after all, a
>true blue Hyderabadi [:-)] You know one thing..... Once a Hyderabadi,
>always a Hyderabadi... and you will forward this site for sure to Hyderabadis ...
>since only they can relate to it.

[v1p3r]

Brilliant one, Haryan...kya hai ki...

[SLK]

Anyone tried this http://www.titane.ca/concordia/dfar251/igod/main.html

[paharino1]

Originally Posted by haryan

Once a Hyderabadi, Always a Hyderabadi...

>4. Your answer is 'seedha chale jao' when somebody asks you for
>directions,whether it is to Malakpet, Masab Tank, Malkajgiri or Moosapet.

" Ek hich road hai " is the way Hyderabadis give directions...

Irrespective whether the road has 8 red lights & 3-4 right or left turns...

[haryan]

''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
''I got in a tiff with Riley.''

''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''

''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''

''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''

''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''

[haryan]

A tall blonde and a tall brunette are standing in an elevator. A short bald man with lots of dandruff walks in, then gets off at the next floor. The brunette says, “Boy he could use some head and shoulders.”
The blonde says, “Hm. How do you give shoulders?”

[haryan]

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"
================================================== ========

A guy was limping, and his friend asked him what was up.
"You know, my foot bugs me sometimes. It's just an old basketball injury."

"Uh, aren't you kinda short for a basketball player?"

"Oh - no - I never played basketball, I just lost a ****load of money on the NBA finals last year, and kicked in the TV."
================================================== ========

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.
The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.

He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?"

She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

[haryan]

A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten fingers. He quicky rushed to the emergency room. The doctor there told him, “Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do'.”
“But I don't have the fingers!”

“What! You don't have the fingers!?” said the doctor, “You should have brought them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done like microsugery and stuff. We could have put them back as good as new.”

“But Doc, I couldn't pick them up.”
================================================== ========
Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?", the first one asks."Oh! I died in a freezer," the second blonde replied." So how did you die?" The second blonde asks, "Well, I suspected my husband was having an affair, so one day when I came home early from work, I looked all over the house, trying to look for the other woman because I saw that my husband was naked. When I coming upstairs from searching the basement, I slipped and broke my neck. I never got to find that woman," replied the first blonde. The second blonde then says, "If only you looked in the freezer, maybe we both might still have been alive!"

[haryan]

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

[haryan]

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"