[X-Machine]

Originally Posted by Rehaan

I always get confused at this spot at worli naka.... help?



cya
R

Observe it nearly everyday.It cracked me up the first time i seen it.

Check this one.....



Anyone for Gujju Snakes???


X

[revtech]

Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.



He opened his newspaper and started reading... a couple of minutes later he asked the priest. "Father, what causes arthritis?"



"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man."



"Well, I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.



The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologised.

"I'm sorry son, I didn't mean to come on so strong...

how long have you had arthritis?"



"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has arthritis."





rev

[revtech]

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle
of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is
using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way
along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads
through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the
door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None
is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down
the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats
realize they're headed straight for the water at the
edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as
though the plane will plough into the water, panicked
screams fill the cabin.


At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly,
and soon all retreat into their magazin! es, secure in
the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the
other and says,
"You know Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream
too late and we're all gonna die."





Rev

[revtech]

Amitabh : apka 13th question 25 lakh yeh raha apke
samne..

Contestant Santa Singh is tensed.

Amitabh : Who is the father of Abhishek Bachan

Computer Screen:

A. Amitabh Bachan B. Laloo Prasad Yadav
C. Moh. Azhar D. General Perverz Musharaff.

Amitabh : Apka kya jawab hai ? ( He is quite sure that
Santa will opt for A) But Santa is still confused.

Amitabh : Apke pas do life line hai..(50:50 and phone
a friend)

Santa: I think it is A but am not sure.

Amitabh : Not sure... Hmmm Ap kya karna chahenge?

Santa : I would like to use 50:50?

Amitabh: Ok computer , 2 galat javabo ko mita de..

Computer after deleting two names, leaves two options
which are: -

B. Laloo Prasad Yadav.
C. Moh. Azhar.

Amitabh is confused and tensed thinks how come the
computer has made this mistake But as is said in
bollywood the show must go on. Now Santa is confused.
Santa: i would like to use the last life line phone
a friend..

Amitabh : Ap kisko phone karna chahenge?

Santa : Mein Jaya Bachan ji ko phone karna
chahoonga...



Rev

[revtech]

This one just cracked me up had to post it...


Three guys are bragging about what they bought their wives:

The first says:
I bought her something which goes from 0 to 100 in 6 seconds"
The other two guys don't know what he's talking about so he reveals,



"I bought her a nice Porsche"

The second guy says:
"I bought something which goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds."
"That HAS to be a Ferrari - right?"
"Yeah that's right! I bought my wife a nice red Ferrari"

The third one says:
"I bought my wife something which goes from 0 to 200 in just 2 seconds."
"THAT CAN'T BE - The Ferrari is the fastest car in the world?!"
"Well - it's not a car, but .......








Rev

[Dippy]

What would you do if....


Lufthansa Airlines

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the Captain :"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean".

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane"

After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.

The captain once again made an announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean.
All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane.
For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... -Thank You For Flying Lufthansa- ".

British Airways

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses.

This is a recorded message."

[Gordon]

A Sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two
large bags over his shoulders.The guard Iqbal stops him and says,
what's in the bags?', 'Sand,' answered the Sardarji. Iqbal says,
'We'll just see about that.Get off the bike.Iqbal's guards take the
bags and rips them apart; empty them out and find nothing in them but
sand.
He detains the Sardarji overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to
discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.Iqbal
releases the Sardarji, puts the sand into new bags, heaves them on to
the Sardarji 's shoulders, and
lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, 'What have you
got?'Sand,' says the Sardarji. Iqbal does his thorough examination and
discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand
back to the Sardarji, and crosses the border on his bike. This
sequence of events is repeated every day for one year.

Finally, the S ardarji, doesn't show up and one day and the guard
meets him in a 'dhaba' in Islamabad.'Hey, Buddy,' says Iqbal, 'I know
you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think
about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you
smuggling?'

The Sardarji, sips his Lassi and says, 'bikes'. . .

[Gordon]

The definition of Cricket as explained to a foreigner--

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go
in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those
who are not out, that is the end of the game!

[revtech]

A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were
getting trained to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he
shows
the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then
hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?" The first SARDAR answers, "That's
easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one
eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because
the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he
flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR
and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?" The second SARDAR smiles, flips his
hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because
he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds,
"What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one
eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of
his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come
up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the
picture to The third SARDAR and in a very testy voice
asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a
stupid answer."

The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment
and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The
policeman is surprised and speechless because he
really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears
contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a
few minutes while I check this file and I'll get back
to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his
office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and
comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I
can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact
wear contact lenses.

Good work! How were you able to make such an acute
observation?"

"That's easy," the SARDAR replied. "He can't wear
regular glasses because he only has one eye and one
ear."



Rev

[Badcheetah]

Sardar to Doc - "I see Rats play football in my dreams every nite "

Doc - " take this medicine from tonight "

Sardar -"can I start from tommorow , coz tonight is the finals "

[revtech]

A man walked into the produce section of his local
supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they
only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was
insistent that the boy ask his manager about the
matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his
manager, "Some ******* wants to buy a half a head of
lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man
standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and
this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his
way. Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was
impressed with the way you got yourself out of that
situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Montreal, Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Montreal," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Well sir, there's nothing but whores
and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Toronto

The boy replied, "No kidding???? What position did she
play,!!!!


Rev

[revtech]

Perfect Husband

There are several men sitting around in the locker
room of a golf club after a round. Suddenly a mobile
phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men
picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H - Husband, W - Wife)

H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

H - "Yes."
W -"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you
are. I ust saw a beautiful leather coat. It's
absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

H -"What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,000."

H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it
that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes
dealership and saw the 2003 models. I saw one I really
liked. Its a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman, and
he gave me a really good price .. and since we need to
exchange the BMW that we bought last year..

H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $65,000..."

H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else...

H -"What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling
your bank account and I stopped by the real estate
agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at
last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a
pool English garden, acre of park area, beach front
property."

H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see
that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up
to $420,000. OK?"
W - "OK,sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love
you!!!"

H - "Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other
men are looking at him in astonishment and derision.
The husband raises his hand while holding the phone
and asks "Does anyone know who this Cellphone belongs
to???"





Rev

[Gordon]

The trials and tribulations of being an Indian.

1. Mother-in law: In India - A woman capable of making your life
miserable.

Outside India - A woman you never fight with, because where else you
will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free?


2. Husband: In India - A boring human species, who listens more to his
mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and
siblings.

Outside India - Still boring, but now a useful human species
that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed.

3. Friend: In India - A person whose house you can drop into any time
of the
day or night and you'll always be welcome.

Outside India - A person whom you have to call first to check and make
sure
he / she is & not busy.

4. Wife: In India - A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when

you
go to take a shower.

Outside India - A woman who yells at you not to
leave tub dirty when you go to take bath.

5. Son: In India - A teenager, who without asking will carry your
grocery bags from the market.

Outside India - A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of
homework when you start mowing the lawn!!

6. Daughter: In India - A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes
during her marriage.

Outside India - A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before her
marriage.

7. Father: In India - A person you are afraid of, and who is never to
be
disobeyed.

Outside India - A person to whom you pretend to obey, after
all he is the one paying your college tuition.

8. Indian Engineer: In India - A person with a respectable job and
earning lots.

Outside India - A person without a secure job, who always dreams one
day he
will be rich.

9. Desi Doctor: In India - A respectable person with ok income.

Outside India-A money making machine, who has a money spending machine
at
home called "doctor's wife".

10. Bhangra: In India - A vigorous Punjabi festival dance.

Outside India - A desi dance you do, when you don't know how to dance.

11. Software Engineer: In India - A high-tech guy, always speaks in
American accent, always anxious to queue in the consulate visa line.

Outside India - The same hitech guy, who does Ganapati Puja everyday,
and says 'This is my last year in the US (or wherever)' every year.

12. A Green Card holder bachelor: In India - the guy can't speak
Hindi, parents of good Looking girls are dying to hook him, wears
jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there.

Outside India - the guy can't speak proper English, wears jacket all
the time, works in a Candy store at Manhattan, dreams
of owning a BMW.

[revtech]

Typical SINDHI

After 48 years of marriage, an elderly Sindhi man in
Bombay calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to
ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of misery
is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"
the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm
sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in
Hong Kong and tell her!"

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the
phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she
shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Bombay
immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are not
getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be
there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU
HEAR??" and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay", he says, "It's all set. They're both coming
for Diwali and paying their own airfare!!"




Rev

ps. no offence intended to sindhis.

[camry93]

Don't they know what their cranes CAN and CANNOT pick up??!!!